But what can I say? We make mistakes; we learn from them. So here are all the mistakes I made in 2010:
- I was afraid to get involved with someone who I was certain no one would approve of.
- I sacrificed valuable friendships for the sake of "popularity."
- I was a snob to the other girl who didn't make section leader right back to her.
- I also talked smack about people behind their backs.
- I let my commitment to God totally slide this year.
- I wasted my talents. Instead of practicing I read books or played on my gameboy.
- I didn't work out very often.
- I focused on the negative things.
- I let my room get totally messy.
- I didn't paint it like I said I would.
- I backed into another car because I was too cocky to turn around and look. Luckily no damage was done, but still.
- I wasted too much time on the computer.
- I constantly compared myself to others.
- I didn't get along sometimes with my sisters or parents.
- I judged. A lot.
- I hid behind a self-created wall.
Hopefully, in the coming year, all those "Oops"-es will cease to be such because I'll have learned something from them. In the end things usually have a habit of turning out okay, yannoe?
and if you're wondering what my new challenge is going to be this year... well, I have like ten minutes to decide. I'll letcha know.
I wish I could do this.
Plus, the guy is cute.
Not to mention like one of my favorite songs ever.
While I'm here I'll use blogger as my notepad and post my to do list.
-shower and get dressed.
-go outside and take pictures of the snow before it all melts.
-possibly eat lunch.
-do all of apush project short of the illustrations, though it can't hurt to start those.
-clean up room.
But anyway, if you're wondering, I did in fact get a ukulele. And winter drum line. And Miike Snow and Neutral Milk Hotel CD's, and the Kiki's Delivery Service Japanese soundtrack, and of course winter drum line, and a ton of hair stuff and liquid eyeliner, and gloves. And a new fuzzy blanket!
Sooooo... merry christmas to all and to all a good night!
2. Kiki's Delivery Service sountrack - Japanese version
3. Winter drum line!
4. Oboe repairs
5. New jeans
7. Any CD by Miike Snow
8. Harry Potter 7 movie
9. New shoes!
10. Can't go wrong with nail polish...
and now i'm just making up stuff. I've already been promised the only things I'd actually be sad without.. Winter drum line, I'm doing, my oboe already is fixed and fine, and they promised me a ukulele bought from a local store. I picked it out myself but I can't have it until Christmas haha. Wow all music stuff.
The thing I want most of all but know I can't have is the trip to Belize. I junior curate at a museum and take care of the animals, and the group goes on an international trip to usually south or central America each year. This year it's Belize. I reallllly want to go because we're going scuba diving, canoeing, visiting preserves, and all sorts of wonderful stuff, but it's $4,000. argh.
Also, my parents argue that if I can't even handle the idea of going to college 20 minutes away, how am I going to do a couple thousand miles? Well... invalid argument, vacation is different than leaving forever. Sigh. But we're not going to think about that, because this week I am happy and breakdown free.
but anyway, my lovely readers, I hope your Christmas lists are satisfied and I hope you can fulfill those of others! :D
I really just don't have words to describe it. It's scary what the movie shows. You can watch it for free online here. http://www.goodplanet.org/en/ I mean, some of it seems kind of dramatic for the sake of making a hard hitting mood, but it worked, I tell you.
Honestly I couldn't tell you my stand on global warming. I know that temperatures are rising and I know the negative impacts it has on the environment. I am pretty certain humanity has a hand in the potential destruction of this planet. However, how can we prove that this isn't another one of Earth's natural cycles we're trying to control? Still... the pollution and exploitation of natural resources is undeniable and should be stopped ASAP if we want to have anything left of our planet for years to come.
So... If you have a spare hour and a half lying around, I highly recommend watching it.
If you can believe it, I told my Marine Ecology/APES teacher about my sharks project and Oceana, and he actually tried discouraging me from doing it. And he's the sponsor of the environmental club. wtf? He said go ahead and try, but Senator ******isn't actually going to listen to me.
Now what kind of attitude is that??? I'm a vegetarian, yes, and if only a few people do it, it has virtually no effect. But if more and more people boycott meat, imagine how many animals we could save from cruel conditions, how many people we could feed with grain normally going to the livestock, how much oil we could save by eliminating the transport, how many trees we could save by not clearing land for processing factories. Just saying.
A drop in the bucket is nothing... but a lot of drops in the bucket, now that's something.
Here's this thing I found on facebook I decided to do. It makes me look like even more of a square than I already am.
 Gotten caught chewing gum
 Gotten caught cheating on a test
Total so far: 0
 Arrived late to class more than 5 times
[x] Didn't do homework over 5 times
[x] Turned at least 2 projects in late
 Missed school just because you felt like it
 Laughed so loud you got kicked out of class
Total so far: 2
[x] Got your mom, dad, etc to get you out of school
[x] Text people during school
[x] Passed notes
 Threw stuff across the room
 Laughed at the teacher
Total so far: 5
[x] Took pictures during school hours
[x] Called someone during school hours
[x] Listened to iPod, CD, etc during school hours
Total so far: 8
 Threw something at the teacher
 Went outside the classroom without permission
 Broke the dress code
 Failed a class
[x] Ate food during class
Total so far:9
 Gotten a call from school
 Been called the worst student
 Punished on a school trip because you behaved badly
 Didn't take your stuff to school
Given a teacher the finger when they weren't looking
Total so far: 10
 Faked your parents' signature
[x] Slept in class
[x] Cursed at a teacher behind their back
[x] Copied homework
 Got in trouble with the principal/vice principal/dea
 Thrown food in the lunch room
Final Result: 12
Multiply by 3. Post as "I screwed up ' 'of my teenage life" . Tag 15 people, they have to do it too. How much of your teenage life have you screwed up
This is kind of a bad test though because lots of these things aren' the same level. Oh well. I'm going to break the single digit post count maybe at least.
Also I'm failing at my 50 books challenge! Any suggestions for short, fast reads, I'm so opened to. Geesh.
Here are some of my little gems:
- Go on a photo safari.
- Try the "weird" ice cream flavors like jamocha and pistachio.
- Go to the flea market.
- Pack a picnic lunch.
- Go stargazing.
- Make a pilgrimage to the drive-in 50 miles away.
- Go ice skating.
- See local bands
- Cook dinner for each other/together.
- Have movie marathons.
- Go to the art museum.
- Blow bubbles.
- Go to Paint Your Pot
- Go to the planetarium.
- Go wading in the creek.
- Debate about ethics.
- Volunteer together.
- Draw each other.
- Play board games.
- Play video games.
- Watch vintage movies.
- Play "PENIS" - where one of you has to yell "penis" louder than the other in a public place. very funny game:) saw it in 500 days of summer. lulz.
- Go to the zoo.
- Go to the mall and play dress up.
- Sit in the grass by a highway or railroad tracks... watch the world go by.
- Feed ducks.
- Go to a playground.
- Go to target and play with all the toys. (nerf guns, bouncy balls, etc.)
- Find each other's ticklish spots. (ohhhh scandalous0.o)
- Write songs togeter.
- Go sunbathing.
- Pretend you're in a photo booth and take pictures.
- Or go to an actual photo booth.
Sadly... my first date will still probably be a movie date. If there is a first date.
god i need a confidence boost.
I heard "Aves" and "is gay" in the same sentence and I was like... dammit. What if he is??? *bites fingernails psychotically*
That would suck, since all the guys I've liked have either turned out to be assholes, creepers, or gay. *sigh*
And this guy likes my sister and she likes him too, but neither of them admit it.
I've gotten over myself and I don't really care anymore if she gets a boyfriend before me.
I've learned to just be happy for her.
I try to listen politely when she whines to me.
Or when she tells me the same story about him for the eighth time.
Or calls me to ask me to pick her up from his house (apparently, she walked there).
Then I tried to give her some advice as she whined, and she shot me this look like "bitch please."
Considering my love experience consists of: my guy best friend from eighth grade asking me out freshman year (ahem ... it would be like kissing my brother), some guy stalking me to All-District, and another guy in my Marine Ecology class stalking me on facebook and never talking to me in person, liking a football player who STILL doesn't know my name nearly three years later, a drum line guy who came out as gay and... Jimmy and Aves, I would say... she's right.
My sister is in her freshman year and has been asked out twice.
Aves is probably gay, Jimmy likes Sophie.
but... That's my new years resolution, I've already thought of it.
I'm letting a lot of this go to my head. Because my hard work finally paid off, now I find myself assuming that I'm going to ride a wave of success all the way to college.
well... that wave is about to crash and i'm about to end up on the rough, hard beach with a mouth full of gritty sand, it the only person to blame is myself.
So brace yourself for some bitchy posts coming up! Less art, less environmentalism, less politics, less inspiration, less poetry, less insight, less music... more cypress complaining. You're welcome.
I smiled and stopped worrying. What a day-maker.
I heard every word you said to her- I really, really like you. You're a beautiful girl. But you explain how bad it would look to date again after you just broke up with a girl.
I whisper to Katalina, Oh god... sophie likes him, doesn't she?
She says, "yep."
I sit back against the window and we both listen. I don't want to hear any more but I'm stuck, transfixed. I can't believe this, but somehow it's just what I knew all along. Everywhere we go, we're together. You're sitting behind me. we still walk out for awards line together. we're both percussion captains. How can you say we're not meant to be?
I cry. I cried right there on the bus. I held it in, and Katalina held me, just like you should have, but never did, and never will.
I really hate Asian color guard girls and quad players right now.
Just... screw you.
The other day I stumbled upon this lovely lady, Clara Chung, and her intoxicating voice. Seriously, how can this song just not make you fee happy? The thing she plays at the end is called a melodica... and now, I really want one. right there next to that ukulele. and i now also feel inspired to go practice my singing.
ok seriously, how is it that crap like justin beiber gets signed but not her? well, i shouldn't say that, because i don't know the guy personally or how hard he's worked... but you get my point.
anyway. I generally have not many interesting things to say today.
Or this whole week. it's like... life is interesting, but not interesting to a stranger.
maybe it just takes me too long to explain and i'm being lazy.
But life is pretty ... simple, yet complicated.
I just can't figure out what the hell is going on.
and i have fallen ridiculously behind in most of my classes, so my mom let me stay home after the stress of the weekend's competition and just catch up.
um... that's it.
O, long lost love! Forget this, it's not English class. We're in the same one of course. Everywhere I go you're right there. And you're back with her again! I said I was sorry about you breaking up. I was. But now you're back to making cow eyes at each other. I can't deal with it anymore. I'm trying to make myself like another guy who, ironically enough, I still have no chance with, but I have a bigger chance with him than with you. At least he's single.
Last night after the competition, we went out on awards line like we always do. First place percussion, you dut 4 times and we march out together to receive the cutesy little trophy. You take it from the guy there, you shake hands first, but then you smile at me and ask if I want to take it as we march back. I say okay, and go put it behind the line. (We always put awards behind us, instead of in front like other bands, because we're trying to send the message that awards don't matter. You know this already, but you're not the one reading this because you don't give a shit about me in the way i want you to and I'm saying all this to my blog readers, not you.)
I'm always glad we go together. I couldn't do it alone like everyone else goes out. One goes out for marching, one goes out for music, one goes out for guard. but we go together for percussion. i hurry along to keep up with your long strides, i worry about my marching, i worry about doing something stupid, but i know you're not going to mess up, and i feel totally safe like nothing bad is ever going to happen, just as long as your're right there on my right side.
And as a tradition, everyone on awards line takes an award and we link arms and walk back to the band, singing our cadence in the absence of a drum line. You suggest we both hold onto the award. We're together, finally, compressed in a line of eight others each with their own trophy. As we wait on the field to go back to the band, I realize, this is the closest I have ever been to you and the closest I will be. We squeeze together closer to fit in a picture, and I plaster on a smile. Our hands touch, our arms link, our hips brush, we laugh together. Together.
and you will never know how that feels, will you?
I hope you are doing well. I’m the online editor at Oceana, and a (state) native myself – I was very impressed with all of your sea turtle activism. (lalalala asking me a question about all my work with sea turtle stuff)
I’m writing to you because we have reached an important moment in our shark campaign, and we thought you might be able to help us. I know your big passion is sea turtles, but I was wondering if you might be interested in helping out with a big push we’re doing right now around the Shark Conservation Act in the U.S. Senate.
The bill, if passed, would finally put an end to shark finning in U.S. waters, and it’s already passed the U.S. House, so we are really pushing right now for its passage by the Senate. One senator who has expressed opposition to it is (A senator.). We are asking all of our Wavemakers to call their Senators, but we thought you in particular could be a big help as a result of your presence in (state) and experience talking to legislators.
Would you be interested in going to the (senator's) office closest to you and expressing your support for the bill? If so, we might be able to do a bit of press around it. Attached are some talking points you could use to talk to Senator (ahemahem) if needed.
And blah blah blah and she says she'd understand if I don't want to, and says some other optional things I could do... Sorry for all the things I blocked out of that, I'm just not interested in my own personal creeper. Not that anyone would care enough to stalk me. But anyway...
Just how cool is this! I have a new mission! From OCEANA! What if they, like, hire me one day! Do yall even know what this means? They remember some cutesy grassroots project that I started up to pass a bill against gillnet fishing (ask me another time, I'll go totally apeshit on that soap box). And they rememer me!
Maybe they'll offer me a job one day! And wouldn't that be sweet...
In the meantime, I've got to memorize all this stuff and more and go talk to a real live US senator. Not state senators anymore. Movin' up the ranks mmmhmm.
• Each year, humans kill more than 100 million sharks worldwide. Shark finning alone kills up to 73 million sharks annually. As a result, shark populations around the globe have plummeted. According to the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) Red List of Threatened Species, 30 percent of shark and ray populations are threatened or near threatened with extinction.
• Almost ten years ago, Congress passed the Shark Finning Prohibition Act with the intent to end shark finning in U.S. waters. In practice, shark finning is still occurring. Current law allows for fins to be removed on the vessel as long as a fin to carcass weight ratio is not exceeded. The ratio is difficult to enforce while fin removal hampers species-specific identification and management.
The Shark Conservation Act would:
END SHARK FINNING IN ALL U.S. WATERS.
Currently, federal shark fisheries in the Atlantic Ocean and Gulf of Mexico are required to land sharks with their fins attached. Additionally, the Atlantic States Marine Fisheries Commission also issued similar regulations for the state waters along the Atlantic coast. Passing the Shark Conservation Act would provide consistent requirements for all shark fisheries in U.S. waters.
• CLOSE LOOPHOLE IN EXISTING LAW
In August 2002, the United States Coast Guard boarded the King Diamond II, a Hong Kong owned vessel, and found 32 tons of shark fins, but no shark carcasses. The fins were seized pursuant to the Shark Finning Prohibition Act of 2000. The case went to trial and the U.S. government prevailed. However, in March 2008, the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the previous decision, exposing that fishermen can circumvent the existing shark finning ban by transferring fins at sea to non-fishing vessels. The Shark Conservation Act would close this loophole.
• ALLOW THE U.S. TO BE A LEADER IN INTERNATIONAL SHARK CONSERVATION AND MANAGEMENT.
• The bill has successfully passed the House by unanimous consent, been favorably reported to the full Senate by the Commerce Committee and has garnered the bipartisan support of 33 Senators.
Sweeeeeeeet. Let's go save some sharks. :)
I feel horrible.
I'm so, so sorry for wishing this.
So here is what I'm going to do to defy the stereotypes and make a difference.
1. I will never judge anyone. Again. I will never say anything mean about anyone because of what they look like or what they do. I am not that person. I cannot explain their actions unless I am actually them. Which I'm not. So I'm not going to judge.
2. I'm not going to tell myself I'm ugly every day. I'm going to accept everything that's different about me. If I want to be skinny, well no. I'm perfectly healthy as I am. I'll only lose weight for health reasons.
3. I'm never going to litter.
4. I'm not going to slack off in school.
5. I'm going to defy conformity. I'm not going to be a sheep. I'm going to think about every thing society and the media try to feed me. I'm going to do something different for a change.
6. I'll wear whatever I goddamn please.
7. And I will worship God however I want to.
8. I WILL make the world a better place.
9. I will not follow a culture label (indie, nerd, hippie, emo, fashionista, etc.)
10. I will eat healthier foods.
11. I will not be so selfish all the time!
12. I will do something with my life that has a lasting (hopeflly positive :D) impact.
13. I will relax and not freak out all the time.
14. I won't hate anything. I won't dislike without basis. I won't like blindly.
15. I will live outside the maistream. I will listen to whatever music I like, watch whatever I want to watch, wear whatever I want to wear, read whatever I want to read... But I won't oppose mainstream. I just won't make it my one and only guideline.
We'll see how long this lasts before my confidence fades and I slip back into being a sheep-mind. :)
We divide ourselves up. Way too much. Facebook asks you for your religion and political views. An EOC last year asked me my race and religion. It's not their business! I left it blank. I leave everything like that blank. Sometimes I don't even put my gender, because people will just judge and judge you. And anyway, if race, religion, and all that crap don't matter right... then they REALLY don't matter. If they didn't matter, you wouldn't be asking me.
We're always like, oh America's not racist.. yes we are. We are soooo racist. We are even counter racist. Affirmative action? No, that is not anti-racist. It's still racist, you're favoring one race over another, which is what we always say is so wrong. There's so much profiling going on even in my town which is hundreds of miles away from where that stuff is said to happen. In my cafeteria, people often sit according to race. You see a bunch of the black kids bussed in from poorer neighborhoods with the stereotypical gangster clothes and accents. You see the nerdy Asians all studying together. You see the rich white kids all up in their gucci and crap. And all the Muslim girls in this hijabs or whatever they're called all eat together. we don't even try to mix, just because we know... it simply won't work. that's the hard truth. We're bred to see that were just too different.
Oh and I know since I'm white, I have to say this. White is not seen as offensive. Black can be seen as offensive. To be completely correct, it's "African-American," "Asian-American," "Latino" or whatever... then there's just... White. I'm apparently not "European American." KNOW WHAT PEOPLE! We're all still Americans! Once you become a citizen, you are still American! Yes you can retain your heritage... but why does the name for it matter so dang much?
People are afraid to make a splash and do something different. "I love you man... no homo." Isn't that insulting to gay people? And telling someone when they dive at a penny on the ground "OMG you're such a Jew." You get a 100 on a test. "Dude, how come you're so Asian?" She's mean. "She is such a nazi." Well, even if I disagree with what they did, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. That's what we preach here. The "I'm okay, you're okay" sesame-street attitude. Well apparently we are all not "okay."
I also have a rant on Lady Gaga while I'm here . While I see her as a true artist, a revolutionary when it comes to self expression, and a totally inspiring lady... Her meat dress that she wore?
Do you remember that day too? Or am I just remembering it wrong? Because here's what I remember, in bits and pieces, the leftovers of what's been dusted over by time: We're sitting on the bus together, in springtime of second grade, and... I confessed that I liked you. And then you confessed right back. And I blushed, and you didn't kiss me, then it was my stop, and I got off, and we didn't speak again for seven years.
Now you like her, you've been dating her for a year or so. It hurts how you write how much you love her on facebook and it pops up on my newsfeed. I'm happy she's moved to Cali so I don't have to put up with you two holding hands and kissing all the time. I know it's selfish of me, to not want you to be happy.
But let me explain myself. Just... no one notices me. Othe than you, no one's confessed to liking me, except... ugh, I won't even go there, it's just too... ok, i don't want to be mean. I'm like... the spare friend, the crutch to lean on, the shoulder to cry on, that girl who will do anything you ask her, sometimes even just one of the guys. No one sees me for what I really am. I am secretly a shning sports car, the one everyone wants to drive. I mean really. Everyone sees me as the junky old pick up truck, who no one would pick over the sports car... unless they were doing like work or something.
come on. She's in California! I see you kind of eyeing that other girl too... but she's just a bubble head! You know who's really good for you? Who's liked you secretly, so secretly I barely even knew it myself... Come on. Come on. Just... do something. I can't make the first move, again.
ugh what am i even saying. i just needed to rant. it's not like you'll ever read this, or understand, or pick me over the bubble head.
I feel like a movie extra all the time. While the plenty of the world goes out and makes history, me and several other billion people remain unnoticed by each other, and not to mention those people going out and making history.
I don't know, I just feel sort of small. Like no matter what I do... none of it is going to be remebered in a hundred years. People know the stories of great authors and world leaders and athletes and scientists. People tell their stories.
But who is going to tell my story? What's the worth of me doing anything if no one even remembers it? Just... why bother?
Just pondering. :)
It's to escape from the problems we're afraid to have. It's easier to walk away. It hurts less to listen to songs about moving your booty than songs about losing the ones you love. It hurts less to sing about break ups than death. A fantastical setting, like guys lining up to buy you drinks, waking up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy, having shiny cars, love and sex and magic... it's just an escape from real life things.
We just do shallow things to keep ourselves out of the deep things. I always write this a lot, but going to Governor's School made me realize how afraid I am to have to grow up and be separated from my family. I can't listen to songs about separation, or songs without words, I have to be hypnotized by songs about sex and love and things that don't even apply to me. If it's about loss, I can only take songs about break ups. Oh, I say, it's just a break up, I've never felt that pain so I don't care. It lets me be someone else.
I watch movies and read books and crap because it just lets me get away for a while.
It's like drugs. Without, you know, the actual drugs. But shallow things are just as addicting. Now I feel lke I need shallow things to stay afloat above the deep things.
When things get too deep, it's like Governor's School all over and I have a panic attack.
but that's honestly why i have to engage in all those shallow things. I'm assuming it's the same thing for America. Is it?
Ten plans for the semi-near future:
1. Since I'm a baby, I will live at home and commute to college, hopefully keep my potential jobs, still somehow make friends, somehow find some nice guy to elope with, and all that. Sidebar on this at the bottom. (Bottom bar?) Note: I'm in my junior year of high school and already freaking out about this.
2. Become awesome. Refer to this post.
3. Make section leader again next year.
4. Survive all of my AP classes.
5. Learn how to play the ukulele.
6. Not fail at art.
7. Major in something dealing with marine science or ecology.
8. Live in a house with solar panels or geothermic heating or something awesome like that.
9. Maintain this blog... hopefully.
10. Adopt rescue animals from the shelter.
Okay, now the sidebar. This is what I wrote on it yesterday in my journal and I will share the abridged version with you all:
I just had a huge freak out panic attack for on and off all day long. It was about college and I realized I just can’t live in two places like it was at governor’s school or it would be just like it- panic attack almost every day. Even there, I didn’t feel like I belonged.
But who says I have to belong? Society wants to kick me out of the house right after senior year. Well guess what? I sobbed on my mother, then she said, “nobody’s kicking you out, sweetie. You have three great colleges right here. You can just live at home.” So I cried a little more, she left to pick up my sister from the movies and go shopping and pick up Japanese, and then I thought a little more. Assuming I get a job at *the flower shop* and/or the museum, I can keep those jobs, live at home, and just go to *ahem university*. I can pay my parents for rent, get free meals and laundry, and let that be that. I can cut so much of the room and board costs. I might even make some friends too, it won’t be like, go to school come directly home. I might just hang out there for a little bit. But it won’t be like, living in a dorm, then having a completely different place called home. Which throws me really weird, and I can’t figure out why.
My whole panic attack was because I didn’t feel like I could get truly comfortable because I’d just have to uproot and move out in a mere two years. But you know what? I’ll just do what they do in Europe, live and study at home until I get married or whatever. Not quite. I don't know if that's what they do in Europe. But there’s always the *apartments*. I can be like Nanny after college is out. There, see? I don’t have to move to a big city after all. I can just live my life, and maybe I’ll get bored or feel trapped, but life will be at least familiar and comfortable. (And that’s when I know I’ll be ready to move out and fly solo.) And no one is getting lost or permanently separated. And my sister will probably move out and grow up before I do, but you know what? I don’t care. She has done plenty of stuff before and at the same time as me. Whatever! I don’t have to be dictated by what everyone else does. Ha. So there, society! I beatcha!
Unfortunately, I’m doing just as my father said – I’m not facing my fears. Remember that email he sent me at governor’s school? Saying I can’t run forever? Well, I’m not. I’m just getting used to the water before I dive in and freeze and get hypothermia and drown. That’s all. Plus, I’m saving him money, so he cannot complain.
The thing that really pisses me off is when people say that voting is a waste. It is not. So maybe none of the parties are worth it, and they're all corrupt, but that doesn't mean you give up all hope and sit at home and do nothing. At least go vote against the party you dislike most. Otherwise you'll be the one crying when they come into power.
And dont' think that one vote can't make a difference. It can. Every drop counts in a bucket of water and the same goes for voting and elections.
No wonder our future looks so bleak.
I'll tell you who the problem is. Adults.
Aziza hits the nail on the head.
when i wake up in the middle of the night,
there is a thunderstorm coming.
i'm a little bit shaken still, but
i throw open the curtains to watch.
i can see the sky growing darker
with churning louds
glowing in the orange haze
of streetlights flickering out across the city.
i can feel the windows rattle,
and just hear the thunder.
i count the seconds
as they get shorter, and shorter.
the house shakes with its great roars
the sky sparkles in a ripple of light
the trees bow to its power
the driveway becomes a waterfall
the dark becomes a symphony
and the street becomes a river
as the rain begins to fall.
i shut my curtains
and lie back in bed.
i am lulled back to sleep,
comforted by knowing that bigger things are out there
than the demons in my nightmares.
For dinner, my sisters and I ate pizza hut food. I was ordered pizza bites, and I figured that since they were ordered specially for me, they were okay. It wasn't until after eating two of these that I noticed how flat and not oozy the red sauce was. I realized it was not sauce, but pepperoni.
And all I can think about is how probably fifteen or so pepperoni's are just sitting in my stomach. Why didn't I recognize the taste or the texture? Why didn't I examine the sauce sooner? All I can do is cry, and apologize over and over and over, and feel like a monster, unclean, impure, savage. I feel sick. Time will tell to see how physically sick I might or might not be.
I just didn't think the world would betray me twice in one day... The worst part was, after my mother found me, tear-streaked, picking apart the rolls so I wouldn't waste any money, she was like, "Oh my God, I can't believe you're really crying. You're being way too serious about this." Um hello. I told you this wasn't a phase and I'm not going back to eating meat. I know she didn't try to sabotage me but still...
Nobody did any backstabbing or whatever, but the body image thing? It's ridiculous. Seriously who out there doesn' hate something about their body? What was the line... Regina was like, "I wanna lose three pounds." Then she looked around like "omg guys you're supposed to tell me i'm not, duh" and everyone instantly said, "ohmigod Regina, you're so skinny," or "no you so don't." Or whatever.
So my friends and I were getting ready for the formal on Friday night, and everyone always was commenting about how fat she is, or how awful her hair looked, or how her face looked gross or she had pimples,no boobs, or how fat her butt was, or how fat her thighs were, or how stupid her makeup looked, or whatever. It was disgusting, looking back on it. We wanted to make everyone else feel prettier than us while fishing for compliments at the same time. It was like we needed approval or jealous compliments from the other girls. It was sick, and reminded me of my anorexia phase.
I know I'm being a bit of a hypocrite saying that we, as in America and the whole world, needs to change, because all I do is complain about my own "fatness" and "ugliness" but still. Let's not be "cold, shiny, hard plastics. "
Here it is: http://www.formspring.me/lipsinspace
Yeahhhhhh i'm awesome. (no you're not dude don't lie.) Wow, has Governor's school turned me into even more of a nerd. *sigh*
Last night we had a variety show, which of course, was epic, but that's not the point of this story. The lights dimmed, and then this kid rolled out on his little wheelchair to the center of the stage. We were silent as he took his hands off the motor control thing and put them in his lap. Then the music came on and he began to sing.
It was a pretty little Christian song about always having faith in God to catch you and be there for you. I cried. Not just because it was a beautiful song but because this kid who evokes pity and misunderstandings was cool with putting himself up there and letting us all know what he's really like. Someone who I judged and never expected to be able to sing, or someone who would hide in his shell his whole life.
We all stood and cheered when he rolled back off the stage.
male's answer: That's not possible.
female: haha wow. I could see no, but impossible? ouch.
male: Well, I don't have a uterus.
HAHAHA because there are all these jokes about her having a dick. So funny!
I'm on my own computer again and it's weird to see things in widescreen. My mother is shopping, my dad is working (for now yay!) and both my sisters are at summer camps. This silence is so weird after three weeks of input and noise. I can't believe it's already been three weeks. If only band camp would go this fast.
I feel like I'm afraid to relax though. I mean it's only three days of sleeping home then back to the dorms.
Here is what I hate about Governor's school:
- Waking up at 7 AM because of my bloody roommate blow drying her hair with no consideration for her sleeping roomie.
- Classes on Saturday mornings.
- Missing home.
- No difference between silence and awkwardness and loneliness.
- No doing things on my own schedule.
- Hard beds.
- Upcoming concerts.
But here is what I miss already:
- Always having something on the agenda
- Always having friends right down the hall
- Freedom in classes
- Good food
- Fun electives
so that's that.
has: a headache.
misses: peace and quiet.
enjoys: a book and blanket.
hates: the sticky heat, talking.
dreads: having to be section leader when she has no idea what she's doing.
wishes: that this would hurry up.
feels guilty because: this is fun and she is enjoying herself and all.
also wishes: that some boy would come talk to her, a pretty one preferably.
also also wishes: that she were thinner.
also also also wishes: that her period were over.
is trying to: get her mood off the swingset.
i’m having a great ti-
screw this, i can’t write poetry.
who am i kidding?
i’ve been lying
did i trick you into thinking i was a poet?
someone to be secretly jealous of?
someone with her own true sense of style
it wouldn’t hurt my pride if you said no, i didn’t.
you see, it’s just like
i put on a face for
i always act like i’m
who am i really?
i mean who am i inside?
who’s hiding behind the mask?
i’m not funny.
i’m not brave.
i’m not cool.
i’m not interesting.
i’m not creative.
i’m not talented.
i’m none of that.
but i have made people think i am...
the light person
i act like to other people? or
the dark person
who i am convinced really lives inside?
just who am i?
just who do i think i am?
which one does that make me?
oh, philosophy class is getting
Yesterday I went home for a little bit. That was one of the worst mistakes I think I ever made. I was okay until I got to my room, then I started crying and couldn't stop. I cried all through dinner, right in front of my family. I cried in the car on the way back and I cried in my dorm. I even cried a little bit signing myself back in and on the way to the auditorium for convocation, but I eventually did stop and was okay.
This morning I got up and took a shower and started crying again in the bathroom. I miss everything. I miss not seeing my canopy over my head when I wake up. I miss my sisters yelling. I miss getting up late in the summer. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss having shampoo waiting in the shower for me. I miss having my own room. I miss my computer. I miss my fish. I miss everything. I'm still crying a little. It will stop for a bit and I think I'm fine, but then I'll think of my family again and start almost crying all over again. I barely made it through first period without sobbing.
I have five weeks left. I really don't think I can do this.
It's also my sister's birthday today, soooo... Yay June 20. Happy weekend everyone!
Me: Hey, you know how coffee has caffeine and makes you hyper? What if they had like, a reverse coffee, that made you not hyper?
Person: Like... alcohol? ...
So much for intelligent conversation.
Yeah... so, not sure what to make. I was hoping to meet some cute guys and potentially my soulmate here. I've seen loads of guys but never had the courage to talk to them. We're always so separated. I just... I don't know. I'm meeting lots of girls and that's great... but there are still some people I wish I could be like, friends with, back at home, and there are the same type of people here but I can't get up the courage to talk to them. I don't see what is so hard.
It's like. "Hey, I'm Cypress." Then... - (see above conversation) -
What else is new.
they're partying out on the quad and part of me wants to join them. I have also been running around like all day to electives and stuff (today was area one, lunch, then later area one since all my classes are tomorrow, meditation elective, the undead and society (or whatever it's called) lecture, the poetry reading, and then the required films at 7. I really kind of want some time to myself, but part of me thinks I should go out and meet my soulmate who I'm convinced is here and is hopefully not just as shy as me.
Sorry for like spilling my heart out here, but my computer journal is on my red USB drive which is in fact MIA 0.o but it's okay because the important journals were password protected. my nerdy little sci-fi story i'm writing was not. but oh well. It's so much faster to type this than it is to write in my regular journal, soooooo.....
Comment if you feel like it.
i lost my USB drive with my computer journal on it. could be bad. thank goodness i password protected it and only made that document start at may. sigh.
well i gotta go. it's time for lights out. bye.
I was playing in the band, to the left of the stage - where they were giving out diplomas. I watched you walk up. I'd been mentally preparing myself for this all week. Did I cry? Debatably, no. You shook hands with the principal, took your diploma, and walked further right off the stage. It was quite symbolic. You walked away, further from me now than ever before. Now you'll be out of my life for good.
I'll probably never see you again, dear Evan, but what do you care- you'll just go away to college in Wisconsin or wherever you're going, forget about this town, forget about your promises to visit, forget about this stupid school, and forget about me.
And I'll try to forget about you.
Litter in the pond behind my neighborhood. Ewwww.
Evidence of beavers. Anyone know what kind of snake that is? I nearly stepped on it... while chasing a butterfly. Naturally.
The marshes. This is what I kept walking for two miles to find haha. They're so pretty. Aside from the perpetual road noise, and the neighborhood that looms up on a hill to the west.
Another thing that makes the marshes not pretty is the giant bypass that is being built right next to them. I really, really hate noisy roads and development. Out there on that greenway is one of the quietest places that I can walk to, but nooo. The system works, let's screw it up. Welcome to 2010 Cypress.
- Something that pisses me off, a lot- talking advertisements. With sound. That won't shut up until they've finished. This is especially piss-worthy when you're trying to listen to something else. I also really hate pop ups, and having YouTube and Facebook blocked.
- And in church or some other gathering place where people say/sing stuff together... Whenever we all say s's, it is like a deafening hiss. The best is "Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." There are so many s's. I feel like we're all becoming snakes. Oh, America. It's about time.
- And the final thing... My dad kind of looks like the Pringles guy, except balder. Anyone who knows my father, care to testify?
- I was kidding, that is totally not the final thing.
- My stack of books to read is considerably smaller, but still considerably large. I finally have my hands on the third princess diaries. And a bunch of Jane Austen recorded books... does that count for reading? I'll count it.
- I am considerably less pasty white and actually more tanned than freckled. I actually did some gardening (gasp, work) and went out to tan. I actually am less freckly than I thought I would be. Maybe I'll update this tomorrow and tell you how freckly I am then.
- I feel kind of hyper... I haven't had any soda, coffee, drugs, alcohol, etc? What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm just pissed off. I don't even know. I think it must be the tea I had this morning finally hitting me. YESSSS.
Anyway. . . I've recently been getting into Bollywood films. I'm too lazy to write any reviews. It is Monday and I'm already dead.
The world is looking kind of confusing, and I'd really rather just sit in bed as it swirls by without me. Unfortunately, exams are next week and I've got to hold on until then. And then, it's off to governor's school with me.
I have to record my playing test, do some other crap and chores, I have a stomach ache, I got home all hot and bothered, it's hot as balls out, I'm so ready for the end of the year, I'm touchy and jumpy and gahhhhhhh.
But let's see if I can turn this post into something remotely interesting. So, the book I'm reading right now, Voyage of the Turtle by Carl Safina, is actually a zillion times better than I expected. It was recommended to me and I thought it would be a book of facts and statistics. However it has some really artful lines in there. I dog-eared a few. Maybe they'll inspire you to write opuses (opi? what's the plural?) or long epic poetry, and maybe you'll do what I do, be like, oh, that's pretty, and be jealous all day and ticked off at yourself for only being able to appreciate art, not make it. *sigh* Again, rambling. Here are the lines.
"Watching her, and the people, I'm reminded of humans' strange range of treatment of other animals, our deep capacity for kindness and our equal one for cruelty."
I like the way he says OTHER animals, as in, we are animals too. I also love the last phrase... our capacities for kindness and cruelty. I stared at that paragraph for a few moments and thought about it.
"Is this the only thing we give generously and abundantly to nature, such pain?"
Wow. Guilt trip. Thank you.
"A tiny sea horse falls from the net into the boat like an elegant living question mark."
I will never think of sea horses the same.
"Like sacred Egyptian icons passing below us, six White Ibises bestow on us the lofty sensation of gazing down upon birds in flight... Soon we're over a mosaic of wooded islands inlaid into emerald marshes, grouted with wriggling creeks, spanning expansively toward the coastal contour."
I love the language he uses here. A mosaic of islands, emerald marshes, wriggling creeks. Love it.
"Exposure to petroleum can damage [sea turtles'] skin, blood, digestive and immune systems, and salt glands. ... In a Japanese study, 26-36 Green Turtles (72%) had consumed plastic sheets, rope and line, foam, rubber, and/or cloth. Of 54 juvenile Leatherbacks in Mediterranean waters, 80% contained tar, paper, polystyrene foam, hooks, lines, or net fragments. Of 50 hatchlings captured at sea off Florida, a third had eaten plastics and synthetic fibers. Turtles can absorb toxins from plastics. Eating plastics and latex (as from balloons mistaken for jellyfish) also interferes with the absorption of real food."
There are some hard-hitting statistics, a set of many. If that doesn't tug at your heart, I don't know what will. Maybe you, my lovely readers, understand all my sea turtle craze and nonsense, at least those of you who know me and think I'm crazy.
"They're the ocean's camels, traveling long distances across watery deserts."
I adore the juxtaposition and irony in this sentence. He's talking about turtles, of course.
"I spot a large yellowish jelly - a Lion's Mane, Leatherback food - like a smudge of rust pulsing through the sea."
He uses such good imagery! I went ... what's that called when you go up on a parachute behind a boat? Parasailing? Whatever. I did that with my sister a year or two ago but I had to leave my glasses on the boat. I saw this far below, rust pulsing through the sea, but I didn't know what it was. And now I do. Verdict: awesome.
And that's it. Maybe I'll post more another time, but I actually really do need to record my playing test.
1. Lose like twenty pounds. (That makes me sound really fat. I don't look that fat, but I would love to weigh somewhere aroud 110. )
3. Find a nice, pretty-looking boy and date him. (Really, what was I thinking?)
8. Exercise at least 2 hours each week. (Not happenin'.)
11. Read 50 books.
12. Become awesome. (Refer to diagram published in previous post.)
I'm not encouraged.
my coordination is messed up. today, i opened a door but my face was in the way so i got a faceful of door.
and i feel sort of fat. not fat. just thick.
i can't really think. i have a project due tomorrow for which i'm doing like half the work again. i hate groupwork.
i can't get motivated to move.
my eyelids have been heavy all day long.
i'm in one of those weird moods where i can't listen to a song all the way through because i get bored with it.
i am a whine bucket. a thick one.
oh, while i'm here whining. COMMENT IN ENGLISH, NOT CHINESE, AND STOP POSTING PORN LINKS. i swear, you people make me want to kill a baby or something.
It's sad because they were my only friends last year and I dumped them.
I feel like the mean bitchy girl in the movies who leaves her bff for popular girls. I kind of feel like whatsername Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls.
And it doesn't bother me. But since I'm making myself lose this much, maybe I'll be awesome one day. Maybe it will all pay off and once I've made it to the top I can be friends with them.
I really do hope I become awesome one day.
she got married to a prince,
and they lived happily ever after.
okay, not the end.
let me tell you her story.
she isn’t really a princess,
but that’s the best way i can think of
to start a fairy tale.
she is an average girl.
i’m sure you’ve already read about her.
she was just...
she loved this prince, you see.
well, he isn’t really a prince,
but he was to her.
it is raining outside.
it looks a bit like her heart does...
cold, grey, crying.
maybe she’s overreacting.
but she feels like ten pounds of crap
in a five pound bag.
she just can’t get him out of her head.
one day, she dreams, they will be married
on a breezy day by the sea
in the spring...
they’re from different countries
and their families believe different things.
so marriage would be a challenge.
but, she reminds herself,
the fairytales all say
love transcends everything.
i lied to you before,
and this is not a fairy tale.
neither of them are royalty.
they do not live happily ever.
and love can not transcend everything.
But if this continues, I may have to end our relationship.
PS. I'm really bored.
Edit. It's 10:15. The annoying neighbors have a live band blaring music at some stupid party. How inconsiderate. I have a canker sore in my mouth. I just watched Avatar. Again. I feel a little depressed. I'm not getting much in return for all that I'm losing. The problem is, I've given it up, so why should I get anything in return?
My sister is pissed off for no reason and it's spreading. I'm out of purple kool-aid mix. I'm bored. And tired, but the music is keeping me up. normally loud music doesn't bother me because I'm usually pretty patient and good-natured towards that sort of thing. But not in this mood.
I haven't seen the guy I like since Sunday last week and it... I'm bothered by the fact that I'm not bothered by the fact that it doesn't bother me. I know that looks confusing. It bothers me that I'm not being bothered by not being bothered. (I give up with English.) Hopefully I just won't cry too much when I have to play at his graduation, then. I'm hot with this blanket and cold without. I feel fat. I want to cut my hair before I chicken out but my appointment is next saturday. I feel lazy and lethargic. I don't have much of a to-do list anymore except to study for my exams and discernment interview for Confirmation next week, but I'm still really stressed.
Alltel got bought out by Verizon, and I hate Verizon. Now I'm stuck with it. They also changed their voice mailbox, which is confusing and annoying and I'm not in the mood to deal with it, ever. So if you call me I probably sound really pissed off when you get my voice message. That's why. Because my mailbox talks to me in some annoyingly cool voice, telling me to press 2 to pause, 3 to skip, 4 to save, 5 to do something I've never heard of, 6 to save it for this many days, 9 to just save it, and then no main menu button. I was ready to start hollering at it and then that maddeningly silky electronic voice apologises and tells me I haven't pressed anything, then repeats all those buttons again.
This band is really starting to piss me off. It's 10:30. Go to bed. Oh hey wait they're playing Love Song by the Cure. OK. Redeemed. Still, they've been playing since maybe 4 or 5 today. Wrap it up y'all.
i'm really pissed off and upset and needed to rant. I've been feeling sarcastic and bitchy for the past few hours. Please feel free to either comment in Chinese or not at all. Like always. bye.
Maybe I'll never figure you out.
Maybe I'll annoy the shit out of you.
Maybe I'll turn out to be a backstabbing bitch.
Maybe I'll make you cry.
Maybe you'll hurt me and push me away when someone better comes along.
Maybe you'll never figure me out.
Maybe you'll annoy the shit out of me.
Maybe you'll turn out to be a backstabbing bitch.
Maybe you'll make me cry.
But who cares?
I'd also like to note the uncanny resemblance between Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry. I put Katy first and Zooey next. I actually am having a tough time telling the difference. Crazy. Has anyone else noticed that? Seriously go look it up. Oh whatever anyways... those of you who know me, would I be able to pull off bangs like that?
Oh yeah, and it's Taylor's birthday today. Happy birthday!(;
However, on a positive note, since it is Easter, can now eat junk food guilt-free! I went to the beach and the mountains in the past three days (long story), so remind me to post pictures. You know I always forget. Happy Easter!
ps. while i'm here i have a rant. whoever it is who keeps posting spam in comments about viagra and kidneys and crap, you are very uncool. i've deleted all of your wall-of-text comments advertising whatever the hell you're advertising. you're stupid and unless you can post something remotely interesting then please do us all a favor and take a long walk off a short pier. thank you. rant over.
It's spring break. I always say I'm going to go out and take pictures, but I haven't.
Easter is less than a week away - I'm counting the hours until I can eat junk food again. You know you're hungry when your stomach is making noises straight out of Star Wars.
I love polaroid photography because the soft edges and cool colors make it feel like a happy memory, like I've already been there before, like I'm always welcome there.
Maybe I should have titled this post "a bunch of random crap nobody cares about." Oh well. Happy monday!
To an unknown dearest,
I have never met you. You have never met me. Has fate decided it this way? Will I see your face one day? Or shall we be divided by the seven seas, the indomitable waves splashing our stunned cheeks until we’ve had enough? I look around me here in the city. Of all these people, the busboy and the grocery store cashier and the telemarketer and that man walking across the street right there, how could I mingle with all of these people and not find you? I hate to think, what if one of the thousands of people I see a year was you and we passed each other, those three seconds of interaction never occurring, never talking, never caring? We just never knew, we never knew…
God, this wistful contemplation is hard to take, and yet we must wonder.
Know this, my dear, that you are not alone. I can’t fathom how I’ll feel when you find that girl oh yes that girl whom you will adore with all your porcelain heart, how I’ll smile when I hear of you making your success in this bittersweet, cruel world, how I’ll wonder what could have been. But know this, darling, that you hold a special place in my heart.
Your unknown beloved
Anyways... the month of march is ridiculously busy for me so I figure I'll squeeze in a post now about life and just kind of put this blog on the back burner for the rest of the month.
I was going to write about my birthday now, in case I don't get a chance later. Last week I was at my Confirmation class and we were talking about gifts. One girl said that when her mother was still pregnant with her she made a video, that she would give to her on her sixteenth birthday. She was talking about her being sixteen when she wasn’t even born yet.
I’ll do that for my kids. I think I’ll make a video on my sixteenth birthday. For my daughter. I don’t even know her yet. I don’t know if I’ll even have daughters. Or what if I have more than one? Should I show it to all of them then? I dunno, I was hoping it would be an eldest daughter to eldest daughter heart to heart.
I guess... I’ll talk about my lack of a boyfriend, how I fill my time, some of my worries, my friends, the music I like, my interests, my classes, things that kids like to do, my sisters, my parents and my relationship with them, sex, movies, kissing, boyfriends, friends in general, parties, drugs, school, driving, books I like, values, religion, my hot buttons, boys I like, things I like about boys, fashion, my hopes and dreams, that sort of thing. Teenage girl stuff. Maybe I'll wear some crazy hippie outfit or rad 80's thing as a joke to freak her out, like "omg mom you're so ooooold!" or whatever. Kind of hard to imagine... but still.
The only problem is doing it when the house is empty, because I need to speak up and I don’t want to be spilling my life as a new sixteen year old to apparently no one. I’m actually super excited about this. Maybe I’ll start writing a transcript. Or something... That kind of is lame.
That's what it would be if I weren't to lazy and too tired to go downstairs and change it that. FB doesn't work on this computer.
So here it is... I love: art. So I made this all out of red writing/painting utensils. Despite this, I still suck at art and photography, however, I had fun doing it.
I have nothing else interesting to put up, but they say a picture paints a thousand words, right? sorry... bad pun I guess. Goodnight everyone.
Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.
Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)