My sister's crush pretty much told her he likes her and she read the text he sent to her aloud when we were driving and I was so excited for her I squeed and almost crashed the car.
But then when we got home I kinda sat on my bed and stared at the ceiling, like, shit, my little sister officially has more love experience than me. And remember a couple posts ago how I said that my sisters come to me for love advice and I thought it was really cute? sigh.
I didn't think this would bother me, because I really am super happy for her, but it does bother me.
And now I'm like, seriously, though, what the fuck is so great about a boyfriend anyway? I mean, I don't actually know any boys I'd consider even dating. I'm going to the beach in a few days with my best friend's family for a week (who is a guy), and he asked me out once, and he's always been here for me, but would I consider dating him? No. I kind of want to tell him this but I'm afraid he won't understand or he'll take it wrong or something. IDK. I obviously can't tell my sister about this. And my other friends are still being sort of bitchy, so you're welcome interwebs, I'm telling you.
So... unless I get a job (been turned down four times already, probably not going to happen this summer), I pretty much have no way of meeting guys, since I'm stuck with my band family and the entire rising senior class is full of a bunch of fucks who either have girlfriends, are jerks, are gross, or ... idk. friends who you can't date.
and that means i have no boys in my life.
So I've decided, fuck this shit, I'm becoming a lesbian.
.....I'm kidding. I just hate boys currently, that's all. I hate people turning me down before they really give me a chance. I mean, I just get skipped over so much. I can't even get a job. Like, what am I missing that makes me not good enough all the time?
Please excuse me while I go cry and slit my wrists. T.T
I'm feeling defensive today, sooo.. here's a list of things I might get judged for doing and why I shouldn't be xD
1. Marching band. - Okay, seriouly, marching band is not just a bunch of nerds, it's actually a very social thing. Can you march and play an instrument? Me neither, I'm in pit, but that's beside the point. Anyone who is in marching band knows how freaking legit it is. Nuff said.
2. Write fan fiction - Okay, maybe it should be 'writing' in the first place, but hey, I can get a nearly perfect score on the writing portion of the SAT so whatever. Anyway, fan fiction is a great way to practice writing without worrying about the tedious worldbuilding and stuff. You can just take another world that you like, and add your own twist on it. Voila. And it's fun, too!
3. Being a Miyazaki freak. Well, those movies are amazing and if you watched them, you'd understand those masterpieces for what they are.
4. Being a book nerd. Well, I don't ever go to bed alone. :D
5. Being an environmentalist. Hey, if no one protects the planet, we'll end up destroying it. Someone's gotta champion for the underdog.
well... that's all i can think of, I just feel highly defensive today. I'm not even under any attack. I don't know, I guess I just feel kind of lonely, especially watching my super popular sisters go hang out all the time whereas I have like ... three friends who would actually call me up to hang. Oh well.
The staggeringly tiny number of books I've read this year is making me feel illiterate, so I think it's time for me to do something like enter one of these!
Timeline: July 1, 2010 - August 31, 2010
Levels: Remember swim classes? Thus our reading challenge levels! * Tadpole - Read 4 books in this challenge. * Minnow - Read 8 books in this challenge. * Dolphin - Read 12 books in this challenge. * Shark - Read 16+ books in this challenge!
So, because I'm lame and I might have trouble reading anything other than board books, I'm going to shoot for the minnow level. Especially considering I have band camp to meditate on somewhere in the middle of all that 0.o
And I'ma keep everything in this post, but I'll add all my read books to my own sidebar...
Et voila! ... et au revoir, I'm off to read a book now.
Recently, it has started making this little clicking noise and I'm afraid it may explode. It's kind of scaring me.
Also, the screen has begun to fix itself.
And when I think it stops clicking again it just starts up again. I think it's a little fear demon and it's playing with me before it eats me like a cat plays with a mouse or a killer whale plays with a seal. I'm done for. My poor nerves can't take any more.
I hate, hate, HATE when artists get super famous. Because then they just start writing crap and try to become crowd pleasers. It's like... forcing art, which is not something you can do.
Take Owl City. A lovably crappy "band" to begin with - I mean, it's just Adam Young by himself. I mean don't get me wrong. Lots of his stuff sounds exactly the same (people say he ripped off the Postal Service- if they actually knew both bands they'd know how grossly incorrect that is) and I agree. But I love it just the same! His music was like my happy music and it was nice and all. I love love love Of June, Maybe I'm Dreaming, and Ocean Eyes.
When I bought All Things Bright and Beautiful, I didn't quite get what I signed up for. One, the title is pretty corny. And two... wtf are you doing bringing in rappers? And that breanna girl? Hello, I thought I signed up for some more of Adam Young awesomeness. I get the same feeling of "ugh" listening to this new album that I get when I listen to the American Top 40. This was like... musical diarrhea, to say the least. I'm sorry to say I didn't like his new album. It just isn't artful and heartfelt like his other albums. *sigh*
My life's kind of failing right now. It sort of sucks, because I'm unemployed and broke, sucking enough at life to deserve an SAT tutor :B , a little bit too fat for my own tastes, not eligible for too many scholarships because I suck, etc, etc. And I'm kind of tired of failing at life. Soooooooooooo, here are some goals I'm contemplating, short-term, and long-term.
1. Get a freaking summer job. I'd love it if I didn't have to be a cashier at a grocery store because... i'd rather do something i enjoy, like work at a florist or pet shop. But then maybe I'm setting my sights too high.
2. Get this ridiculously awesome scholarship from a school I'd like to apply to. It is 80,000 dollars. It will be amazinggggg.
3. With that scholarship, possibly get a grant to study abroad, ideally in Japan.
4. Learning Japanese would be pretty crucial for this.
5. I'd like to lose about 20 pounds. *sigh* May not happen by the time I'd like it to.
6.Practice oboe and get in some lessons this summer. My stupid band director just gave the oboe solo in next year's MB show to a SOPHOMOREEE over a SENIOR. I'm so mad that he'd even consider that. Besides, the "blind audition" was totally fake; he'd actually pretty much told my mom he wanted me to play mallets instead. I'm not mad at anyone about it because I know it's best but still. God. It just isn't fair. So I need to step it up this year so she won't beat me anywhere else.
7. Finish the SAT prep course I have to do with my new tutor. I swear if I don't go up at least a hundred points my mom's going to kill me.
8. Recetly, I stumbled upon a "help wanted" for summer interns at Tofugu and I think I might seriously apply. I mean, blogging, Japanese, what better could it be? Of course, I have minimal knowledge about Japanese language, culture, etc. but maybe they'll let me write about my quest to teach myself Japanese. *sigh* Maybeee. I figure applying can't hurt. It's unpaid, but what the heck. Should I do it? Should I???? :o
1. When mistakes are published and I can yell out that they're wrong and I'm right. Example 1: In the movie theatre they play the trivia thing before the movie, and it said Beyonce's first album was B'Day. Indeed it is actually Crazy in Love; I bought B'day when it came out- I was like twelve. Example 2: In City of Bones by Cassandra Clare, there exists the following quote: "True. I'd always hoped that when I finally said 'I love you' to a girl, she'd say 'I know' back, like Leia did to Han in Return of the Jedi." In actuality, it is Leia who says "I love you" and Han who says "I know" and it in fact takes place in The Empire Strikes Back. HA!!
2. When guys offer to carry you. I pretend to hate getting picked up but I actually love it. It makes me feel like a Disney Princess^^
3. My little sisters come to me with boy problems. I love the fact that they think I have wisdom in that area. My littlest sister in sixth grade came crying to me today that her crush is moving to Idaho (ummm randomm?) and she was all distraught and so I gave her a hug and put down my book and bought her some ice cream. I felt like a good sister. :)
4 . When I can fit my mini van into an impossibly tight space. Hells yeah for parking skillz.
5. When you draw something really, really good without meaning to. Like a doodle on a final exam. *sigh* I'll never get it back, but perhaps the teacher will appreciate it.
6. When karma kicks someone else in the ass who deserves it. HA!
I'm just in a very HA! mood kind of day if you're wondering.
This week I've had all these fairy tale images stuck in my head begging me to either write them down or draw them or something.Most are from when I dreamed up this little fantasy world- I played in it every day when I was a kid. (and sometimes I still do.) They'd all be soooo great in stories, ja? But seeing as I'm rather unskilled at both writing and drawing this week due to lack of brain power from energy-sapping exams, they're just floating around my head and driving me insane.
It's kind of like when you get a wad of hair stuck in the drain. You kind of don't know it's there but it keeps messing up the drain, then it occurs to you that it exists, and you pull it out and you're kind of grossed out but in awe at the same time, like wow, I have that much hair?? and I'm not bald from losing it all?
It's like that.... mostly kindasorta.
So I'ma throw down my distracting little fantasy land here. here's a cluster of images stuck from my brain. Not in pretty pictures, not in pretty poems, and certainly not in any organized fashion.
Maybe you can write them or draw them. ^^
- Fish kites, like these-
- that you could ride on as they curl through the sky.
-Clouds that you could bounce on and hide in and rainbows that you could slide back to earth on.
- A horse that talks. He happily gives you rides, and his back can even stretch so you can bring friends.
- A fish disguised as a girl that disappears when you realize what she is.
- A man that is actually a fox.. and a fox, that is actually a fox.
- Invisible walls that stretch to the sky - you can only find the door by knocking along the bottom.
- A giant paper dragon that can't breathe fire because it'll burn itself, but it tricks people into thinking that it can.
- A mysterious old mask maker. By putting on a different mask, you become someone, or something, else entirely.
- Trees that bend over to form arches are actually portals.
- Cats with lantern eyes and lots of tails.
- Listening to a music box that will pause time.
- Magic boots that guide you to where you want to go.
- Huge fish that can fly on land.
- prehistoric animals that are actually real. Before the dinosaurs. Like, Devonian, Ordovician, etc. fish fish fish fish fish. i loved fish as a kid. still do. Fish are like... magic in this fantasy world. Inside every magikarp, there is a frickin gyarados. Metaphorically speaking. Anyway...
- A forest- where the deeper you go, the smaller you get... or everything else gets bigger.
- puzzles and riddles and games.
- river spirits, forest spirits, sky spirits... mostly animism.
- fairies that dance in every flame.
- rocks that turn out to be dragon eggs.
so there's some random images. :/ now what right? haha.
Before, I kind of brushed it off, saying you can't just look at a person and love them. You are probably lusting instead. Or liking. But love is like a deep compliment that can't just be thrown at anyone.
Of course, I still kind of believe that but today I believe I experienced love at first sight.
Do you need to sit down or something? I bet you're about to faint. Yeah, it was like that for me, too.
So here's my story. (Disclaimer. It's very possible I imagined this whole thing, or he was looking at someone else entirely.)
I'm in my precalc class today. The teacher left the door open. I sit on the furthest side away from the door, bored to tears, watching people go up and down the hallway and stop at the water fountain.
And... suddenly, this super cute guy with wavy hair and glasses takes a drink. He looks up (at me, I swear), pauses for a fraction of a second, then keeps going. A minute later he comes back! Looks at me again, takes another little drink, and looks at me again, then leaves.
Wait what? Was he looking... at me? Because he was totally cute.
And I felt a pull to go run after him and ask him what his name was, and ask him if he wanted to go off campus with me because my "friends" totally are excluding me now and just being bitches. And maybe he could be my knight in shining armor.
But I didn't, and I probably imagined it.
Still... dayum, what a nice feeling. I can see why people believe in it.
PS. What if he's a senior and graduating so I'll never see him again? D;
And by the way, this is kind of random and a little mushy, but thanks for reading my blog. And if you're one of my regulars/followers/commenters or whatever, thank you soooo much. It really means a lot to see that people listen to me and remotely care about what i have to say. I really need a 'friend' right now because the junior class girls I thought I was friends with are such fucking bitches. ... i don't feel like talking about it, it'll just piss me off. So yeah. Thanks a lot to the interwebs for providing me with company, comfort, etc. etc. etc. <3
Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.
Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)