Does this shit happen to anyone else or is it just me?

So I was painting my nails today and the name "Monica Llewellyn" randomly popped into my head. And I was trying to think of where I'd heard it before, because I'm sure I have. Is she a politician? A writer? Or maybe a character in a book?

I googled the name, and nothing came up.

And now, I'm starting to think that maybe I was a part of some conspiracy and my mind got wiped and now my memories are starting to come back.

Perhaps I'm just watching too much Doctor Who.

Just kidding. I'm probably thinking of Monica Lewinsky.
Unless that's what they want me to think.....
*ominous music*


So about the soul searching.

I think this is widening my mind quite a bit. My good mood days are a lot more blissful, and my bad mood days are a lot more cynical and stormy. I think this might be good, because learning both sides of the spectrum (or more sides) can allow you to pick your favorite better.

Anyway, for a little over a month now I've been slamming this poor blog with all of my sometimes misguided meditation, speculating, and musing. So physically... here's what's happened to me.
- Colin has been dating her for almost exactly the same amount of time as I started my soul searching.
- I suffered over AP Biology, AP English, and endured the hardships of band practice in blistering heat (which is now succumbing to an early, premature, and absolutely frigid cold).
- My car got broken into and my iPod got stolen.
- My little bff fishie Dylan died. RIP lovey. I'm sorry I had to flush you.
- I watched four new relationships form around me since school started. I'm still flyin' solo. Why does that bug me so much?
- Avoided college applications and SAT/ACT prep.

Most things are still pretty unclear, but here's what I have learned for sure so far:
- The difference between a tourist and a traveler. A tourist seeks a destination, a traveler seeks a journey. Metaphorically speaking, of course. :)
- Sometimes, things don't play out according to your visions...
- But sometimes it's because of stuff you did or didn't do.
- There is no controlling anyone else. No one shapes your destiny but you.
- Oh, my bad, no one has a destiny. You do what you want.
- Sometimes I judge people for doing the same shit I do.
- And sometimes when you want someone to empathize with you, but you don't ever communicate your feelings, then they really would have a hard time with that, so you shouldn't get mad at them.
- You can still find meaning by doing ordinary, mundane things. You don't have to pack your bags and set off for the mountains. (Although that would be nice ^^)

And here are the things I should learn... I think. It's stuff people say. And they're all probably right but I haven't quite wrapped my head around it and accepted it all yet...
- Moving on is natural for everyone?
- After your first love, you'll find love again?
- I create my own opportunities?
- I create my own happiness?
- I am worth something?
- Doing something for myself doesn't equal selfishness?

But yeah that's like my one-monthish report. And now, some lovely pictures which make me happy or inspire me, but mostly both. :)


very bad karma.

Basically if it hadn't already happened I would have had my innocence destroyed today.

First I had to wake up at 5:30 to be at the marching band yard sale at 6. It was cold and rainy, and it's still cold and rainy. I woke up to find my beloved pet fishy dead, and, not having the energy to bury him (in the rain mind you) I flushed him unceremoniously down the toilet. It was bad.

Second, I have to deal with they guy who I kindasorta love telling me how much he's into his girlfriend.

Third, I had to work 11-3, and I have to go back again for 5-9. Got my first paycheck though, which is serving as a huge amount of motivation.

Fourth, some d-bag stole my iPod right out of my car! I'm so mad! Who the fuck does that? I hid it an everything, but so stupidly, I have one of those things where you put some thing into your tape player and it connects to an iPod, and I had that, and dumbly forgot to disconnect it so wham. No more iPod and that's how I'm spending my first paycheck. Only my dad's making me save half so I get to go for several months with no iPod. FMLLLLL!

So basically... I'm no longer allowed to believe that the world is an inherently nice place and everyone dies, and your hard earned money can just slip down the drain, and no matter how many good things you do, bad shit will still happen to you.
What a shitty life lesson to learn.


Questions, part 3

11. What bores you? What always bores you, and what never bores you?
What bores me is... Not doing anything. I can take monotony, as long as I stay busy. It sucks but it's fine. What bores me the most is when I'm just sitting and waiting for something to happen or some day to come. It drives me up a wall. Hm... what always bores me... It's not that waiting bores me. It's just that having absolutely nothing to do bores me. No, it's being stuck in the same place day in and day out that bores me! If I ever went to jail, I'd probably die. They'd have to put me to work or give me lots of books, or I'd just die. Which is why I plan on never getting in trouble with the law. So yeah. I hate summer sometimes because I just get stuck at my house, and I have to go out and drive to the city so my world stps feeling so cramped. Oey. I'd hate not being able to stretch out. I guess I have a big fat wanderlust bug.

12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it, and what income level do you aspire to?
I honestly don't give a shit about money. I know people are supposed to say that if they want to sound like nice good people, but I honestly don't care at all. I'm not a materialistic person. I can live in a cardboard box and be happy as long as I'm with the people I love doing the stuff that I love. My parents think I'm crazy, but all the careers I'm interested in (writing, arts, or marine science or ecology or whatever) have itsy bitsy paychecks, and the guy I'm interested in wants to join the military. So basically we'd be poor. And I'd be fine with that. As long as we're together. Do I want money for my kids? Someday, yeah, maybe I'll get a real job (which would mean sitting in an office all day... boorrriiinnggg...) but until then... I make do with less, which is actually how I'm happier. I prefer thrifting. When I spend too much, I feel guilty anyway.

13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you?
God is an important figure in my life. I spend a lot of time thinking about my religion. But I just realized I have to turn in a chapter study guide tomorrow that I forgot so I'm rushing a bit. Instead, you can dip your toes into this post if you'd really like to know.

14. In order, what are your three strongest interests?
Oh my gosh in order. 0.o Hobbywise? Hm. Nature, art, philanthropy. those are really broad.

15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
I've never had an "enemy," so to speak, until this year, and it's freaking me out a bit that I am actually capable of kind of hating someone. All my entire life I made it a point to be nice to everyone and have no enemies. So that's a bit sad. Anyway, she was my rival candidate for section leader. All throughout my sophomore year, in pit, she was always like, "oh yeah, when I'm section leader next year, blah blah blah," and she always acted so superior to me, and I kind of shrank into the corner, not wanting to step on her toes like, hey... i'm thinking I might try out too. When I made it over her, she got all upset and didn't talk to me for a week, adn her mom pitched a fit so the drum instructor made up this bullshit position called "Equipment Manager" so she could steal my job legally, basically, she just was in charge of putting all the mallets in this box and got super possessive over its key. She would get super offended when I knew how to fix something and she didn't and I'd just do it. She was totally useless and fought me every step. I felt sorry for her, but I didn't have time to teach her how to do her job to just watch her neglect her responsibilities. Even the drum instructor confidentially told me he regrets it and it was a mess. She ended up switching sections when she couldn't get over herself. And now we're stuck in AP Bio together and I have to pretend to be friendly. It's awful. But she's the only person I've legit ever hated because she was just so mean to me and spread rumors and just did bitchy stuff. Gah.


"Global warming is a hot topic."

That's punny. xP

Just thought I'd post that. lol

it's colin's birthday. but whatever no big deal. i made him a cake. and i won't bother you all with stories about him that go nowhere. byeeeeee!

and here is the song that's been stuck in my head like all week.  hell yeah i'm a 90's kid.


blah blah blah blah blah.

Basically I've been repeating my daily life for like a month now and I have literally no interesting things to say. Sighhh.

So here's my week.

Monday. Get up. Go to school. Fret over AP Bio. Maybe go off campus for lunch. Leave school. Study, do homework, etc. Then, marching band practice from 6-9. Possibly drive home a few of my pit kids who don't have a ride. Go home. Make dinner. Study some more, and log on facebook upon brain collapse. Obsess about Colin. go to bed later than the intended time.

Tuesday. Worst day of the week (because, monday is like, oh i get to see my friend again, Wednesday is like, it's hump day... bahahaha and then Thursday is like, tomorrow's Friday! And then Friday's like, it's the weekend, bitch. Tuesday is like. nothing.). Get up. go to school. Fret over AP Bio. Fret over other classes. Go to practice. Drive pit kids. Again. Waste gas. Go run errands. probably. Then do homework. or whatever.

Wednesday. Get up. Go to school. Fret over AP Bio. Leave school as fast as possible to the downtown where I have my internship at a museum caring for animals. Drive back home. It's 45 minutes long. Eat dinner, do homework, worry about no one, then go to bed.

Thursday. See Tuesday.

Friday. Get up. Go to school. Fret over AP Bio. Practice after school for a bit, then football game. Get home way too late. Study. Go to bed, not worrying about anyone.

Saturday. Work 11-2, then 5-9. Homework, studying.

Sunday. Church, homework, studying, working out, church, go to bed too late.

Then that's it.
Boooooorrrrriiiiiinnnnng. If you read that, I'm shocked. Also: congratulations, because that means your life is probably as boring as mine.

Well bai.


I've been planning this crap since I was a little kid.

And I don't know why I'm thinking about it now, but it's fun, so what the hell. Actually, it's cause I saw twenty dollar wedding dresses at Goodwill the other day and seriously almost bought one.

But basically, like any other teenage girl, I've had my wedding planned out since I was ten.

It's going to be kind of small, just family and some close friends. And I don't want a bunch of presents, and I don't want some huge reception.
It's going to be outdoors, somewhere, but nowhere too ridiculous. Maybe a garden, or the beach.
I'm going to wear my mother's dress, provided that neither of my sisters wants it.
The cake is going to have Van Gogh's Starry Night painted on it in icing. It's one of my favorite paintings. :)
I'll slow dance with my dad to My Girl, and he'll probably cry.
And I'll have wildflowers everywhere, and people will blow bubbles instead of throw rice, and we'll sail away on a honeymoon, and life will be great.

The end. <3


Reality check.

I need to shut up and get over it.
ohhhh kthxbai.


A letter I'm quite seriously considering sending.

So basically… the real reason why I said we should wait to date is because I’m afraid. I told you so many lies because I wanted to cover up how serious I really felt. About you. And I’d say we could date right now. Only… okay, honestly, girls break up all the time. Everyone breaks up with their first boyfriend. No one marries their high school sweetheart. It’s stupid. I know; I’m being super dramatic right now. But… I said we should wait because I wanted the chance to… have another first boyfriend. I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to become a fabled “ex.” The reason I like drum line guys so much is because they’re so simple and there’s nothing to lose with them. All they care about is drums, sex, and drugs. So breaking up with one of them, it wouldn’t hurt. I just wanted something fun to practice with, and just waste a few relationships that weren’t even serious… On the flip side, I felt terrible even thinking that so I was always afraid to reach out to someone with the intention of just wasting their hearts. And I didn’t want to throw you away while I struggled with all that. I didn’t want you to be the one I make all my stupid mistakes on, although that’s kind of happening anyway. All the soul searching I did was for you, because things weren’t happening the way I planned and I didn’t have anything fake. So I clung to the only thing that was real to me. You. I’m sorry I bugged you and Kelsey so much. I always got jealous when you dated other girls. Even Katie, freshman year. I just didn’t want to lose you. I know it’s selfish of me, to cling to this vision of the future. I just couldn’t bear to waste you. I don’t want to let you go. Not now, not ever. But that's why I always put you off, and always said no, and always sent you all of those mixed signals. And I’m sorry for playing all these games with you. I'm just always afraid of the stupidest things. And I’m sorry for hurting you. And I totally understand if you want to leave me and my twisted philosophy behind. But I just thought you should know the truth behind all of my meaningless mystery and whatever. And there you have it.


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)