Neil Gaiman

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”


i have a secret

I used to be one of a kind...

But now I don't feel so sure.


Ten best things from Hot Topic

In my humble opinion. Not in any particular order. I was bored and online, and these are the coolest things I found. These are from hottopic.com, so click the links to see the pretty pictures.

1. Charlie the Unicorn Sparkle Tee. Featuring teh magical amulet on teh back, muaha.

2. A Fine Mess Neon Zebra Hoodie. Featuring a ZEBRA on the back. WORD.

3. Peace Heart Printed Belt.

4. Turquoise And Pink Stripe Hair Extensions 2 Pack. I could never wear this but it's still so cool.

5. Black Tuxedo Fedora. I've already got two (haha) but I think I'm drooling...

6. Star Cluster Earrings. I'm so lame. XP

7. Rainbow Checkered Bandana.

8. White Three Row Metallic Rainbow Pyramid Stud Belt. I own this one, it's my very favorite thing.

9. Silver Beaded Draped Bracelet. 0_0

10. Black and White Striped Knee-High Socks. I'm a sucker for knee-highs.

Hot topic, this is amazing stuff you have here. Who agrees and is now inspired to make their own list? XP

I'm so vain.


Dear World,

I am so lonely. Please come back. No one pays attention to me. At school, you ignore me. Online, you ignore me. Nobody texts, nobody emails, nobody calls. Nobody follows up, nobody calls me back. No one ever checks with their parents to see if they can come to whatever I've invited them to. Nobody comes to talk to me at lunch when I'm sitting all alone in the middle of them, again. No one stays with me in the morning, when I come over to talk to them, they just leave me there like they never noticed I'd come over to say hello. No one jumps to me as their first choice.

Right in my face, people detail their elaborate plans with other people that I'm not invited to, that I'm never invited to. And that I never will be invited to. People make out in my face. And SOMEBODY wants to make out with my face, but I just can't. I want it... but honestly, not him. I'm such a bitch.

I don't get it. Why can't I just take what you give me and be happy with it? But no... the shit just piles up, World, I'm really getting sick of it.

I'm the "Dear Abby" of the world, the free advice column. I'm the one people come to with their petty little problems they'll probably forget about next week, but never sit still long enough to listen to my problems.

I love it how passing strangers would notice me just about crying in a stairwell and ask if I'm okay when my own friends pass and don't even notice.

I think I need some new friends. I am so damn lonely all the time. And nobody cares.

Come back, Tyler.



This is my new mantra.

"Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option."

I must remember this. I must remember this. I must remember this. I must remember this. I must..... *groans* Life sucks.


Meet Pon

And Zi. XP

Click it for full effect. I LURVE Pon and Zi, therefore, so should you. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3



...in exactly one month.

Well, here I am. I'm done being fourteen. This is hell, and also boring as hell at the same time.

But here I am, being alive for nearly one more year. Almost one more year closer to my dying day.

And here I am, still a nobody.

Still a wallflower. Though a bit more wall than flower. (Okay, a lot more.)

I think I can finally get my learners permit once I turn fifteen. Which eventually turns into a license. One day. And then I'll be able to get a job that pays and drive there myself, and get the hell out of here.

Of course, marching band isn't as cheap as it looks and I'll be stuck paying for that. Plus insurance for when I crash my eighth car. Oh, and I'll probably be paying college loans off until I'm fifty, and my sisters' too since there's no way there's enough money for us all to go to college. *sigh* There's no money anymore. Anywhere.

I'm one year closer to living in a refugee camp thanks to Obama, says my very cynical dad.

I'm now starting to think that being fifteen isn't going to be so much greater than being fourteen. Maybe I should just stay here forever, never having to move forward.

Never having to choose. Catholic or Pagan?- I get Confirmed next year, and I went for a meeting today with this lady who is supervising my home school class for this all. Boyfriend or not?- I've got two to choose from. Fucking yes. Over him, or not?- my old crush has a frigging girlfriend, but better girlfriend than boyfriend I suppose. Push for more or settle for less?- I just want to sit down and chill, but I want to go further. Be who I want to be, or who society wants me to be? I guess I'll never know...

Ugh. I just want to crawl in bed, throw the covers over my head, and sleep forever.

Ten CDs on my list of things to buy

Not in any particular order.

1. Sam's Town, the Killers

2. All We Know Is Falling, Paramore

3. Riot!, Paramore

4. Black Sails in the Sunset, AFI

5. A Lesson in Romantics, Mayday Parade

6. The Black Parade, My Chemical Romance

7. Something by Counting Crows, Hard Candy perhaps.

8. Wish, the Cure

9. The Creek Drank the Cradle, Iron and Wine

10. Our Endless Numbered Days, Iron and Wine

11. (Shhhh, I know. Shush.) Foiled, Blue October

Not that I could afford any of this, haha.


well, this rots.

Fuck my old crush. Fuck my suitors. They can get pregnant for all I care, just not me.

Imagine that for a reputation. The girl that got three guys pregnant. *sigh*


And the sad thing is, it's all my fault. It's my fault I'm still single and that I'm rotting in my bedroom for it. This is not right. We're freaking fourteen and we're using terms "single" and "dating." All the same... I wonder if they lie awake in bed late at night wondering what on earth they're going to do about me, too.

Well, this rots.


Picture this.

You're walking down the 200 hall after school, headed to drivers' ed.

You liked him all last year. Maybe you're finally over it at last.

You turn the corner into the stairwell. And there, at the top of the stairs, is the beautiful boy you were once and might still be madly in love with.

Then, he kisses that girl tenderly on the lips and they walk down the stairs together, hands intertwined. They blow past you, laughing at some inside joke you'll never know. They don't even notice you.

You stand dumbfounded. It's like in the movies, where the guy gets shot but hardly notices until he sees the blood soak through his shirt.

They turn out of sight as he puts his arm around her. You choke back a sob, and dash upstairs, eyes to the ground. You find your friends who are chattering happily but you don't even try to join in. They don't notice you're shaking, they don't notice you've been out of breath for the past two minutes, or that you look like you're about to throw up.

So you excuse yourself to go get some water, when really all you do is sit in a corner and just cry.

You really thought you were over him.

But maybe you were wrong.


ten on sunday

Ten ways to not think about that thing you don't want to think about.

10. Play the Wii Fit and realize how sad it is that it's that hard to do twenty push-ups.

9. Go outside, lay in the grass, and stare at the clouds. Or planes if there are no clouds. *sigh*

8. Make an entire mixing bowl of tea, stick your face in it, and breathe deeply. So there.

7. Read a book or two... or twenty.

6. Go for a walk to the library and check out some books.

5. Play a musical instrument.

4. Watch a happy little Disney movie.

3. Sit in a corner at the mall and count how many people are wearing what kind of shoes. This works in any busy place really. I count mostly Uggs, f'Uggs, Converse, Rainbows, Pumas... that sort of thing.

2. Make eggs, just so you can whip it to a pulp to let out your anger.

1. Lastly, go wading in the non-polluted parts of the creek and end up thinking about what you're trying not to anyways.



movie/book mini review

I have taken the liberty to reread Eragon and Eldest and steal my friend's Brisingr. Simply because I haven't read it yet.

But here's the thing. Where the heck is George Lucas in all this? Eragon/Eldest is exactly like Star Wars. Think about it. Eragon has a secret sibling he doesn't know about, he lives in a time where "The Empire" reigns. (That is so cheesy.) He falls in love with an ambassador (senate member, whatever, and that would be Anakin Skywalker, not Luke, but whatever!), realizes his father is a "bad guy," has a wise old mentor who dies, then goes to complete his training in a far off land with an even wiser guy who tutored his first wise old mentor, uses "the force," if you will, flies everywhere, has a million zillion traveling companions he just picks up, knows his mother is dead but not who his father is, has a guy that everyone thinks is a hoot watching him from afar, lives with his aunt and uncle and they die because their farm was burned or whatever, he is the first of a powerful race in a long time (Jedi/Dragon Rider), has to use his mind a whole lot, blah blah. He rescues a beautiful princess in the lair of the bad guys, gets secret messages from her, unites with a secret galactic senate or whatever (once again an Anakin Skywalker reference but whatever), and oh, gosh, there's so much more. It's a wonder George Lucas hasn't sued Paolini yet or something.

On the other hand, while the plot was very predictable and mocked Star Wars, those two books are extremely well written. Paolini's style of writing is wonderful, very descriptive, very good. Some of you might disagree but mesa likes it. XP

And the movie section of all this?

Waste of money. Don't go see it, kiddles.

Yeah. Don't get me started on how bad it was. It was a waste of six dollars, don't even think about it. Like really. Erase it from your mind. Right now.

Okay, I'm done. Byebye.



There is this girl in my band class, she plays oboe like me. She's the first chair, I'm second. My first encounter with her was in seventh grade, when she was in eighth grade. It was All-County, my first ever audition and whatever, and when she made first and I made third, she was like such a bitch to me. And to the second chair too. And I didn't like her. Plus I was very scared that all female oboe players were truly doomed to be bitches. (I mean, look at me...)

And then on the first day of school, here she was in my class and it took me like ten minutes to figure out how I knew her already.

She proceeded to be a complete total bitch for the first quarter but she started getting better by second. We've somehow miraculously become friends, but maybe bitchy oboe players just click I guess.

It has come to my attention that there are two Friday the 13ths in both February and March. I shared this with her.

She gave me some stare that I couldn't figure out. "What," I asked, "is it really that bad of a day for you?"

She was silent for a moment, then said, "My father died on Friday the 13th."

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh......... I floundered. "Oh, my God..." I said. "I am so sorry, oh my God, that's terrible, I am so sorry..."

She just shrugged. "He died when I was five."

I didn't know what to say to that so I settled for nothing. I mean, I love Friday the 13ths because everyone hates them so much and I just don't get it. I mean no one hates those three days or whatever before Easter, nobody hates the day when Eve took a bite from that apple, I mean I just don't get it.

But this girl has a reason to hate Friday the 13th. Could you imagine, what she must go through every single Friday the 13th... God almighty, I really do take a lot for granted... And this begs a bigger question... in the whole big scheme of the world as an apple tart, is this sometimes why she's more tart than apple?




I think I really, really hate beef.

Now that that is out of the way, I shall state that in a strange perverse way, I feel like a princess. It's like I have suitors. Two guys to like me at once? Crazy. I've never been liked by even one, I think.

And now that one of them *coughcoughenry* is pestering poor Tay-la over me, and the other one texts me every moment of the day and stares at me at lunch, I'm like seriously getting weirded out here. This has never ever happened before...

It's like kindergarten all over again.


Self-Portrait Tuesday

OMG. There is no way it's Tuesday.

And so this theme is from December... sssslllloooooowwwwww. And I'm feeling slow and sluggish so I don't feel like getting a decent picture (self portrait, haha) up here. So here's a tragic image that I took last week.

This is a piece of cake.

In the road.

If someone had slowed down, they wouldn't have dropped their cake out of the window.

I mean, how do you do that anyways? Somebody enlighten me, please.


Ten I like colors to paint my nails, so there.

Sorry to any guys who don't paint their nails. XP

1. Black. All-purpose, so there. Personal favorite.

2. White. Equally all-purpose. Also personal favorite.

3. Green, cause green is freaking cool. Mix with blue if you want to be even freaking cooler, or have a lot of nail polish and a decent dixie cup that won't bleed through. (You can do that with any colors. For instance... red sparkles and black, purple and blue, etc. Have fun.)

4. Blue, because... yeah.

5. Red, no questions.

6. Purple, now how many people do you see walking around with purple nails?

7. Sparkly. Any cool color, add silver sparkles. Any warm color, add gold. End of story.

8. Clear. Clear is good. And shiny. 0_o

9. Silver. One of my personal favorites.

10. Au naturale. The best of all. XP Add dirt under them for that hippie look if that's what you desire. haha! Plus, this is also the best because you don't have to deal with the smell or wait for them to dry. Ah, the things a lady will do to be beautiful... or not... *sigh*

PS. Use sharpies too. Or white-out (even though you'll probably get high or something, use your good judgement and no sniffing cause I don't want to be responsible for that if you're dumb enough to actually try what I suggest). Amen.


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)