Here's something intriguing.

I think I might have a suppressed memory.

First of all, isn't that incredible?! The human mind is amazing, how you can block things from yourself. I thought that it's possible these sorts of things could be made up, but then I was like, whoa, when I looked at myself.

So here's this. I have an abnormally good memory of my childhood. Probably the earliest thing I can remember is being two years old in an elevator at the hospital with my dad. I was wearing an "I'm a big sister now" t-shirt, and it was when my first sister was born in 1996. My first vivid memory was when I was three years old on a plane. I remember the fluffy clouds going by. I'd been sitting with my dad and my mom and baby sister were several rows behind us. He went back to check on them and I remember being terrified, but there was a nice man on the aisle seat who talked to me to cheer me up.

Anyway, the memory in question is when my grandfather died in 2002. I was eight years old, in third grade. Most of 3rd grade I remember pretty clearly, except for a few months in the middle. that's where it gets fuzzy, which is weird since most of my elementary school memories are pretty clear.

I remember when my mother was shouting, "goodbye daddy" to her hard-of-hearing father on the phone downstairs. I was standing in the upstairs hallway. I didn't understand what was happening. I remember when she sat down on my bed and told me he had died. I don't remember anything else. Apparently we drove to Florida to go to the funeral, which I don't remember. The only memory I have is a flash: a yellow couch with flowers on it.

Apparently, when we got back home, I had a test that I had to take which would put me in the Academically Gifted (AG) program if I got a certain score. I didn't score very well on it. Both my sisters made it into AG, but I never did. The first "advanced" class I took was in high school.

I don't remember anything about the funeral or the test. My dad was talking to me about how my mother harbors some resentment towards him from that time and they still haven't cleared it up. He says I should clear things up with her because she doesn't get over things well. It's a long story what happened between them but he says it was about putting the kids first instead of her. He thinks that if I don't remember any of that mess, it might be because I repressed it. Now he's with mom thinking that I'm psychologically messed up- he thinks that I have pent up anger or something at not making the AG program and I always feel stupid and inadequate because of that test, or like I'm the source of people's problems from my parents fighting over me.

It's possible. I'd rather not blame my issues on some past thing I don't even remember that might not even be relevant to all this. I wonder if I really did repress that, though. Is that weird or what?


on why despite all this, i'm okay.

(note: hi! I'm finally back in the blogging world. This is the last in a series of like a zillion posts so if you want to start on the first, scroll alllllll the way back down. I'm having a feels-dump right now. you're welcome. ;P )

I'm okay because I'm learning. I'm okay because I refuse to go down without a fight. I haven't gotten into my self worth issues and all that shit yet. That would be hard to explain. Very hard. And you'd probably feel obligated to give me advice on it. Which I probably won't be able to follow, as much as I want to. So thanks in advance, you kind, beautiful person, you, but please don't feel obligated. :)

I like myself. Really. That's why this is weird. I'd be friends with myself, sure. I'd want to hang out with me. If I were a guy, what the heck, I'd fuck me. I don't consider myself an all around bad person to be. If I were anyone else, I would like me.

But I don't care about myself. I don't know. Everyone always yells at me for being a doormat and getting walked on and getting used. They say I should value myself more. Well, that's a load of shit. Honestly... you'll probably think this is twisted, but I'm done caring what other people think. (possibly the fourth or fifth time i've said that this semester, so that sentence doesn't carry much weight, but whatever).

I only feel valuable when other people are using me for something. That's how I feel important.

I'm okay with getting used and shat on and forgotten. I run with it by lying back and pretending it’s okay, and hiding behind this face of everything’s-awesome, and I parade around trying to be what I think other people want me to be, and that’s the basis of my life. I'm used to it.

Maybe you're gonna tell me that's fucked up as shit and I need therapy. If this were any of my friends telling me this, I'd probably smack them across the face and tell them otherwise.But for me it's different. I don't know. Besides nobody wants to listen to me bitch for hours about the same things I've been bitching about for months on end and tell me things I already know I can fix and how and I just don’t get why I can’t. And my parents shouldn’t spend that kind of money for something so stupid and trivial that I don’t really need. And I really don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. A lot of this shit is unfixable.

Let’s face it, I’m never going to convince myself that I love my body. Not until I look like Miranda Kerr or something. I’m never going to convince myself that I’m worth it. I don’t know. I can tell other people everything they should do and I would pad and support everyone’s body image but all I ever do is throw myself under the bus. Am I worth that? Yeah. I guess so.

Things have gotten so bad where I feel guilty about eating again. I feel like I'm not worth it. That's dangerous, because that's what started my little anorexia thing in high school. And I'm never going back there ever again.

The only value I have is to other people. And if I’m the one who needs help, than what value am I then? I’m not such a great helper if I’m the one who needs help all the time.

Why have I been away for so long? I’ve just been busy, I guess. Studying. Exercising. Obsessing over fitness and food and body image.I mean. I tried to explain it to that girl friend when she told me I was a freak for going running and calorie counting. It’s how I keep my mind off beating myself up over failing with Colin. It gives me something to strive for that will actually help me. Not give me another (romantically speaking) wasted year. It's me trying to take the emptiness he left and turn it into room for improvement. It's making light of a situation, and giving me something positive to obsess over.

It's just... i'm so jealous.

It hurts.

It hurts that he’s gonna tell Rebecca all the things that make him happy and sad instead of me. it hurts that I used to be all that. It hurts that he’s come back to me before and that I have to go to through this It hurts that I’m not strong enough to break free and face the unknown darkness where there are no colins and maybe not anybody but the glimmer of hope that there’s someone better for me just isn’t inspiring enough to get me out of this hole. It hurts that no one else can see what is happening to us. To me. it hurts that he’s gonna move on and act like nothing happened and maybe treat some other girl the way he treated me (and the sad thing is, I don’t even know if that’s good or bad because I have no idea what I deserve or what guys are supposed to do in a relationship or if we count as a relationship or what a relationship is)

And it’s times like this when I look at myself and I’m sad. (maybe i should have put this bit under disappointment or on why i don't like accepting help. oh well)

I’m sad with what I’ve become and how I would be such a disappointment to myself in the past. I said I wasn’t gonna have sex with him and here I am begging for round 5. I think this would be the fifth now. I said I was going to find some other guys and break out of my shell and meet new people and I’m essentially tying myself to him. We’re living together. And no, I don’t regret any of it, and I don’t think that this is a bad idea, I just don’t see any other way that this could be. I mean, I can’t see through the darkness of the unknown without him.

I don’t really want to, either.
And that's what keeps dragging me down.
I don’t want to be saved.

But despite all this...
I'm learning.
I'm keeping on keeping on.

When something hurts, I smile. Physically, too. When I get jabbed with a needle (terrified of that shit), I’m grinning because it fights off tears. When I don’t want to take another step from running, I smile cause I know that every step is a step away from being fat and out of shape. When you smile, you feel better. So I figure, what the fuck. It’s a good life lesson. I smile when people hurt me too. It just works out better.

So through all this, I'm gonna smile.
I'm going to stop wallowing.I

'm the only one who can help me. It doesn't matter anything anyone else says to me, because let's be real. People try to tell me to get some self-respect but it doesn't work that way. You don't magically wake up and earn your own respect. You don't magically open your eyes and see that you don't have to practically be somebody's slave to be useful to the world.

So that's why despite all this, I'm okay. And I'm back. :)

Thanks for listening to me bitch, blog world. If you read all of that, I love you. Now go have a wonderful week and merry christmas!

on the end of the world / on disappointment.

So I'd told you that I had this embarrassing fantasy where I wanted to have wild sex when "the world was ending."

It obviously didn't happen haha. I was in such an analyzing mood last night. I was just like, reflecting on how small I felt and how little had really happened in my life and how little I’d really done. How much I worry about things that are so small and stupid but how they’re all I have.

Where does time go? One minute we have so much of it we’re practically wasting it and the next second it’s gone and we’re wishing it back.

I’ve heard that exes can’t go back to being friends. That it’s like saying, hey, your dog is dead but you can still keep it. I know Colin and I aren’t exes, but… something’s weird. I can’t put my finger on it.

I don’t want to admit to myself that it’s because there’s nothing there anymore and that’s it, wham bam, he’s over me. and we’re exes and we can’t be friends and the dog is dead and we’re trying to keep it and it’s just rotting I wish I could look back at what went on last year. I was a little comforted by our secret college agreement last year, clinging to that because I thought there could be hope for me still that he’d come back for me. and then he did. Kind of.

I tell myself I just want the sex and that I can deal without him emotionally there. Sometimes it washes over me and I get super horny all of a sudden and I feel like a disgusting pervert. Like a guy, pretty much.

Colin kept joking around that I’m practically a guy now. I wonder if that was a hidden message. That I got friend-zoned permanently.

Everyone’s advice to me has always been “just wait for college” and “in college it’s so much better” and you know what? It’s not. It’s not better. I’m still battling the same demons. I still hate myself for the same things. I’ve made a grand tally of one new friend who I didn’t know from high school.

I was supposed to go wild. I was supposed to become beautiful and hot and come back skinny and wow the pants off everyone who ever thought I was fat or not good enough or not worth anything. My dad told me I’d have guys falling all over me in college. Me and that girl friend were supposed to go out and party and meet tons of new, fun, interesting people. I was supposed to have a fascinating time and get good grades and jobs and internships and what am I doing?

I’m spending the majority of my break at home in bed making up stupid stories and watching stupid TV shows wishing that I was someone else, doing something interesting and of value to society.

And what have I done with my life so far?
Not gotten a new job.
Fucked a guy because I thought I’d be able to stake my way to his heart for good eventually.
Sat in the library and pretended to study but couldn’t because I was too distracted.
Got C’s in classes I shouldn’t have.
Spent way too much money on morning after pills because of my irresponsible sex god knows what.
Helped a guy cheat twice.
Kissed and told.
And fucked everything up royally.

Oh my god I just want to talk to Colin about this but we don’t talk like we used to. It’s so weird. Sometimes he’ll look at me and smile and it’s beautiful and sometimes he’ll be such a dick and so mean to me and god. Like in the theater the other day, I saw on the screen that Sylvester McCoy, the guy who played the 7th Doctor, was in The Hobbit, so I hung around to look at the credits, and Colin was like, “no one cares, doctor who is a shitty show, god” and I was like, dude, calm your tits about it, it’s really nothing worth getting pissed over.

I wonder if he kind of started watching it a while back because he was trying to impress me. And now he’s hating on it because he’s trying to send me a message of how done he is with me.
I wish he’d face me like a man.

He told me that he just wants to be friends. Yeah, that was facing me, and okay, I said I was cool with that and I’ve respected it. I haven’t begged for him back or anything drastic like that yet. I’ve obviously made no moves on him. I’ve been nothing but straightforward. I get it, Colin. I get it. And you know that. Just who is he trying to convince?

I keep pretending all the time. Even my mother calls me a liar. Who am i trying to convince. 

I wish I could tell someone about this. And ask for advice. Or just reassurance that I’m not crazy. I don’t know. I just want someone to get me and where I’m coming from. I don’t want anyone to tell me how Colin is not the guy for me and I should move on and I deserve better because honestly I don’t give a shit and I don’t want to hear about your idea of what a good relationship for me is because oh, that’s right, it’s my damn relationship. Actually, I don’t want anyone’s advice because all they’re gonna tell me is to move on. I’m tired of hearing that. It doesn’t fucking work.

I feel like 12/21/2012 was oddly symbolic. This is like. All my missed opportunities and passing overs and uncertainties and lies and loose ends and possibilities and what ifs all tied up and symbolized by one day. I knew the world wasn't really going to end, but still, it's kind of fun to pretend and what-if. It’s a lot easier to worry about the end of the world and have some crazy unexplained thing just off it for the entire planet than have to worry about all the stupid petty things and tiny personal demons that we have to face for ourselves in the rest of our lives.

on accepting help.

A few years ago, I struggled with anxiety so they put me on anti-anxiety meds. I struggled with depression and they put me on anti-depressants. Then I gradually stopped taking them. Now I'm stressed again. I'm beating myself up over conversations that happened months ago. I'm always worrying about what other people are thinking. I get hung up on one single idea and it possesses me all night. Like tonight. I rolled over in bed at 11:00, tired. Then Colin popped into my head. Then everything else in live popped into my head. it's all dancing in my skull and I can't make it shut up.

My dad's asking me why I'm just lazing around all the time, or why I just chill out in my room so much. that just happens to be my evening haunt, which is when he gets back from work. I tell him I'm just tired. But it's true. I am.

Other people are working so much harder than me so I don’t get how I could possibly feel so drained all the time. Everyone around me, it feels like, is doing so great at everything and I'm feeling left in the dust. Where do people get all this energy?

I really want to ask Colin to start selling me Adderall. Anything man. He says he doesn’t take it anymore but I’m about to ask him to start pretending to so I can have it. I hate having disadvantages. The other day my dad almost wouldn’t even let me go out and rake because he was worried about me getting asthma. Fuck my asthma. I’m not as wimpy as everyone thinks. 

Maybe I fucking am. And apparently I’m stupid and can’t focus on anything… how do you get tested for ADD anyway? I’ve got enough drugs in my system. Fuck that. I’m just gonna let another stupid drug fix me. I’ve got birth control as my safety net because I’m too stupid to use a condom and can’t say no and whatever. I’ve got all this acne medication because I can’t just fix my own skin. I keep forgetting, I had to take antidepressants sophomore-junior year to get back on my feet. And now I’m going to have to take Adderall or Ritalin or something to clear the shit out of my head. To focus me cause I can’t focus myself. I don’t really have ADD. I just have too many things distracting me that I don’t have the willpower to put aside. Things I’m not willing to stop thinking about. Important things that follow me around all day. 

I hate going to the doctor. I always feel like they’re going to tell me I’m making shit up and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me, or I’m just pretending, or my problems aren’t real. Or like I’m disappointing them with how much I suck and how laughable and inadequate and pathetic I am that I have to ask for this kind of help. 

 But then, I've always dealt with people like that girl I told you about pushing me down and people telling me to suck it up and that I'm not really suffering and it's not a big deal anyway. When I was fighting anorexia as a freshman, nobody saw it happening, nobody asked, so I felt like maybe it was all in my head and I was inventing an eating disorder as a plea for attention. Which I still wonder about. Was it a plea for attention if only one other person ended up knowing about it? 

I hate it when people see me struggle. That’s why I won’t go to a tutor. I don’t want anyone to watch me struggle through something easy. I hate going running with people because I suck at it and then I’m sitting in a corner gasping for air and then that idea is stuck with them forever, that I’m fragile and weak, and wimpy, and they just assume that I can never do it and I can’t anyway but it just hurts when people get that assumption. So I’d honestly rather that people believe that I’m lazy and don’t want to try than have them believe that I can’t. Not trying hurts a lot less than failing. 

I’m this far away from giving up this winter break- like getting a job, who's going to hire me for two weeks? I want to say I'm so done with Colin. I just fail in the end anyway. I just end up alone. Bled dry. Bruised. God. I just obsess over the same things. Colin. My weight. My appearance. Things people say. Things people do. Things people don't do. Sex. 

All my goddamn anxiety problems are coming back and I want to blame it all on Colin cause he left me and it’s his fault but it’s not. I want to be like, he’s the one terrorizing me, he’s the one who pressures me to be so perfect, but no. 
 He’s not doing a goddamn thing.
Never has, never will. 
 I’m the one bullying myself. 
Always have, always will.

I’m my own biggest enemy. And I need drugs to beat myself, which is stupid. I used to think I’d have Colin to fight with me.

on religion.

The way I see it, God is an all-powerful being who does not need humans. It does not affect God if you praise him or not (praise is what you give a dog or small child). God doesn’t need humans to drive to special buildings and sing about how great he is.

Also, God doesn’t need my shit. God has enough shit to worry about and enough to solve about this fucked-up world. Why should I expect God to fix something for me? The last thing an all-powerful immortal being needs is some stupid chick who can’t solve her own problems.

I hate it when people say they’re praying for someone who’s going through a tough time. Why don’t YOU help them? Don’t push it on some immortal, invisible dude who we’re not even sure exists or not.

Colin says his favorite poem is about God carrying you or whatever and honestly I think that’s a little ridiculous. It’s YOU carrying you. You’re the one who chose to get yourself out of this. If it’s by deluding yourself into thinking an invisible man took time out of his busy day and carried you (while he has millions of other people hoping he’ll carry them too)… how could any one of us be that special and important? I’m certainly not. I’m certainly not worth his time. I was designed to carry myself. If you want to honor God, make his life easier and pull your own damn weight and don’t make him spoon-feed you. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

It should YOU helping other people. It’s not God’s fault. Don’t make it his responsibility to fix you. And we only go to religion when we want something. Courage. Strength. Forgiveness. Something material. Whatever. And the occasional giving thanks, too. Somebody once told me there are only two real types of prayers- please and thank you. Is that all life is? Give me, give me, and then thanks a heap and then bye until I have to ask for more stuff? It’s like oooh look I have a religion; God is on my side. Well, I don’t believe we’re entitled to anything. We’ve got to use our God-given brains and hearts and social skills and make our own way.

I just told Colin that I have blind faith in lots of stupid things so God should be no different, I guess. I do. I obviously believe in God. I just don’t want to ask him for anything. I don’t want to trust him to be let down again. Or left behind. Honestly, why the hell would God help me with my problems which are insignificant anyway and what the hell can he do.

Another thing I don’t get is that he’s looking to GOD for forgiveness. Colin. You offended PEOPLE. You should be apologizing to people and asking them for forgiveness. You didn’t wrong God. You wronged humans. God’s forgiveness won’t give you anything but peace of mind without fixing the problem.But then… God is not human, he probably doesn’t have a time schedule that he can’t infinitely expand, and he’s probably not restricted to one place at one time like we are. And I’m holding him to human standards right now, which is unfair. Still though. The golden rule is treat others as you’d like to be treated.

Maybe I’m just saying all of this is because I’m tired of wishing.

I’ve realized that if you want things to happen, you should work hard.

And right now is one of those times when I’m tired of working hard,

So I just feel really hopeless.

Anyway, I started a new story about ghosts and demons and stuff and figured I’d read the bible tolook up Christian demonology. But then I thought, no, the real reason I should read this is because I only go to church twice a year, and if I’ve been struggling with religion for so long, I might as well just read the damn thing and get my facts straight. I told Colin that I’m gonna read it cover to cover. He said don’t because it’d be crazy hard. I told him I love proving people wrong. Whatever. Anyway, I hate arguing with religion. And religious people. Okay, god exists, yeah, sure, but there’s no reason he’d give a shit about me. Other people have it way worse. They deserve his attention. My mother always told me that God helps people who help themselves. Well, I don’t, really. I’m a hopeless case, anyway. I wouldn’t dare ask him for help, especially with how not devoted I am and everything. I figured Colin would have something to say about this since he’s on this Jesus streak or whatever, but he didn’t.

Also. Something that’s kind of eating me up is when I was driving home about a week ago, I saw this one-legged guy in a wheelchair trying to inch himself up a hill. I wanted to help him. But there was nowhere I could effectively park. And my mother would yell at me for getting out of the car to help some sketchy stranger. I mean but he was an old guy with one leg! Come on. I beat myself up about it for several miles. The rosary I’d hung on my mirror so I wouldn’t forget it at school was swinging in my face. And the church bells were blaring as I drove past. It’s like fucking Jesus Christ himself wanted me to turn around and help that man. But I don’t know why. I couldn’t. I shut him out. I pulled the rosary off the mirror and put it on the seat. See, this is why I can’t be a Christian. I can’t even answer Jesus when he calls me. Why should he answer me when I call then. Why should he care about me. I don’t even deserve it.

on work.

The place I'm working at closed down over break.

this one's a short one. just a quick blurb update.
now i'm getting all philosophical and shit.

I was going to distract myself from life by working lots of hours. Now having nothing to do just reinforces the feeling of how much I feel like the things I care about are nothing. How I feel like what I do is nothing. How I feel like I'm worth nothing.

on grades.

Here's my grades.
Environmental Science - A
Chemistry 101- C
Calculus - B
Understanding music: Global Perspectives - A
Agricultural/Resources Economics - C+

In calculus, I got tutored by Colin. It's funny how often tutoring sessions dissolved into passionate sex. We joked about that a lot. Looks like it worked though. It's funny. Some people might say that boys are a distraction to girls in school. By the contrary, in my case: the more sex I had, the better my grades were. Probably because I wasn't so distraught and distracted about the idea of losing him. The security and peace of mind it brought me was good. I know that just because you have sex with a guy, it doesn't mean he loves you, but at least it's some part of him that you have. It's one part of him that you're stealing back from some other girl who's trying to steal him from you.

Anyway. I realized something else. In chemistry, I felt washed away. That was a hard, disgusting class. I spent a long time studying. And economics, I definitely should have done better in. that was a fascinating class and I genuinely enjoyed it. I did so badly on one test though. That was the one on Halloween. The night before, I was probably so distracted by the idea of Colin and Kelsey possibly getting back together I forgot I was supposed to be studying for it. (I found out that day that my suspicions were correct and they did. sigh.)

I also realized that I excused poor performance by calling myself stupid. And then, I started to believe it. I started to hide behind it. So I could use it as a shield against disappointment in myself. That friend I just told you about calls me stupid a lot. So do Colin and Luke sometimes. I do. It's all just joking, but nobody jumps to assure me otherwise.

A few years ago, nobody called me stupid. Maybe I used to be smart. But then I started feeling stupid so I just excused myself, brushed off my feelings of inadequacy by calling myself out before anyone else could. I’ve always been told that you should laugh off your mistakes because it doesn’t give anyone anything to hurt you with if you act like you’re okay with it. So now, me doing anything dumb is the butt of a lot of jokes. And people just assume I’m really stupid, and now I’m molding to that stereotype. I can see this happening. But I don’t know what to do about it.

I started it. It was my stupid defense mechanism that brought me to this. Same with me calling myself fat. If I were anyone else I’d say I look just normal; average. But because it’s me, I’m jumping to call myself fat and beat myself down before anyone else can. And when they do, it just feels worse because that was what I was trying to hide from.

on a friend.

I have this girl friend who I was tight with in high school. I love her to bits and we're really good friends.

In high school, she was always alpha and I was always omega. I always worked so hard to please her. She was one of those girls who everyone worked hard to please. I met her in kindergarten when we fought over a toy zebra, but we weren't really friends until eighth grade. In that last post, she was the third girl who Colin invited to the eighth grade dance party thing.

How she is, I don’t know; I can’t really describe it. But she always laughs at you like “you’re dumb” like she's not taking you seriously and you always have to feel like you need to impress her and you always feel like you’re never gonna be cool enough to do the things she does. She makes you the butt of jokes a lot. It's a power thing, I guess. By making people laugh at you and seeing that she made the joke and made them laugh, it makes her stronger. I don't think she does it consciously. But she definitely does it.

One day, I couldn't hold it all in anymore. She was busy kind of waving around the number of guy's she's kissed here. She acted for a moment like she was going to ask me if I'd met any guys here or kissed any guys, but then she just plowed right on talking about herself like she'd assumed she knew the answer: as usual, Carolyn is paralyzingly socially retarded when it comes to romance. Then she stopped and looked at me and asked what's up. Sometimes she's a self-centered queen bee, but sometimes she's a really good listener. So I cracked and told her.

When she learned that I was getting way more dick than her, things were more even. For a few weeks it was like she respected me as her equal, not as this little loyal dog that follows her around. But then, things kind of turned themselves around. She put Colin down and told me not to have sex with him. Not to talk to him, even.

It wasn’t that she was trying to do this. It’s not that she was trying to prevent me from being with someone I liked. She thought she was telling me this for my own good, because she saw how hurt I was and and how whipped around by him I was. She thought she was helping me. But still. When you show weakness, it puts her back in command. The second I had to rule over her, she took it and tried to get back on top.

She probably has no idea she does that.

And I let her.Now things are back where they were where it’s like I’m following her around. It was cool when we were equals. I don’t know. It was just… different. Now my sex life is like a joke to her. She teases me about opening my legs a lot. Hello? Not okay… I kind of want to not talk about that with anyone anymore. At least, not with her, because with her, everything’s a power thing.

on colin.

Okay. I'm going to tell you what happened with Colin. This is the whole, unabridged, TMI version of the story and I'm cutting the crap. If you want to read the whole, by all means, go ahead. :) If not, I won't be offended. Here goes.

Everything up until college is this (most of this is probably already on this blog somewhere):

  • I met him in middle school. My best friend in eighth grade was in gym class with him and told me what a big crush she had on him. We didn't know his name, so we called him Fat Boy when we gossiped about him because he was so thin and we thought that was hilarious. Eventually, the two of them started dating. At the end of the year, he invited her and two of her closest girl friends (me and another friend, so she wouldn't be the only girl), over to his house for a pre-dance party. The eighth grade dance at the end of the year was this big thing.
  • My friend started treating him kind of badly around this time, and oddly enough, I saw that she was being a real bitch and secretly sided with him. I never said or did anything, though.
  • I'm not really sure how it happened, but over that summer, Colin and I became good friends. I don't talk to my eighth grade best friend anymore. Nothing happened, we just drifted apart.
  • Freshman year, around winter break, he sort of indirectly asked me out. I was shocked that anyone would ever feel that way about me, and I wasn't sure if I saw him the same way, so I told him I wasn't really ready for a boyfriend yet, which he accepted. Things were normal.
  • Until he dated one of my band friends and I realized that the weird pit in my gut that I was feeling was jealousy. And that I did like him after all.
  • I dealt with it.
  • And during freshman year, I had my battle with anorexia and depression and he was the only one who saw that. He didn't know what to do but he always tried to reach out to help. I just pushed him away.
  • Things were weird sophomore year. He dated a few other girls and I always got jealous. I was recovering slowly. Then there was this weird period where we'd drifted so far apart we stopped talking. And we contacted each other both at the same time because we realized how weird things were.
  • My friends in high school never really liked him. He was this gangly, gawky kid who laughed too loud and couldn't match his clothes and stuff. Truth was, I was kind of ignoring him because my friends were telling me to. I worked so hard for popularity in high school, to be liked by everyone. I sacrificed Colin because we could be friends outside of school where I didn't have to pretend. I knew we'd always come back to each other. We both knew that, but it was wrong of me to treat him that way. To betray him in front of my friends just to look cool. But the truth was, he was such a better friend to me than any of those girls ever were, and I wish I had seen that back then.
  • Junior year was when he grew up. He filled out and damn he started looking good. And girls started falling all over him. I just kind of hung back. Junior year was quiet when nothing much happened. It was around spring semester that our feelings started creeping back up.Over the summer we were spending tons of time together. 
  • My dad is retired military so whenever we travel, we always get to stay on military bases. It's tradition for us to drive up to Virginia Beach and stay in a cottage there. This year we'd rented two because we were expecting our family to come with us, but they bailed. So we invited Colin's family and they came.
  • That was the real tipping point when we realized how hard it was to keep our feelings for each other quiet. But.
  • My vanity struck and I was like, no, I can't date him because I was worried all my friends I'd worked so hard to make would kick me out. Also, it would be weird for all our friends and stuff. There were a hundred reasons. We needed to buy some time to sort things out more, because we thought that if we ever dated, it would be serious. So we agreed that we'd push our feelings under the rug for just one more year and date later, in college.
  • That was when Kelsey came into the picture.
  • He asked me if it was okay if he dated her.
  • Wanting to be a good friend and stuff, and since we had an open relationship thing that wasn't even a relationship anyway, I said that of course I had no problem with them dating. 
  • So they dated, and it was brutal, and I was horribly jealous, and the problem was, he really did like her. We talked over New Years and we agreed that maybe we shouldn't have this college agreement tying us together. He was more serious about Kelsey than he thought he'd be; liked her more than he intended. Plus, he felt like he was leading me on which was just hurting unnecessarily.
  • For a little while, I was okay with that. It still hurt. I say I got over him, but I don't think I ever really did.
  • Then in June, we had a weird text conversation where he was telling me that things were getting weird with Kelsey. And that there was always this girl in the back of his head.
  • Turns out that girl was me and we reintroduced the idea of dating in college. (I'm ecstatic about this, btw.) He said what sparked all this was this one time just the two of us were hanging out and decided to go to the creek behind his house to just wade in the water like 8-year-olds, left our phones inside, and ended up talking in a tree house for five hours straight, losing track of time and scaring the shit out of his mom and girlfriend when he didn't pick up the phone. That, he said, was when he realized again why he'd always liked me. 
  • He and his girlfriend talk and decide to "take a break" (whatever that really meant) and re-evaluate before Colin left for school. His reasons were that he wanted to focus on his studies and adjust to school life and let's be real- girls everywhere. She said she was cool with that, and plus they were on the rocks anyway so they needed some space. 
  • And then we started a friends-with-benefits kind of deal. He's the first guy I've ever kissed. He's the first guy who's ever fingered me. He's got the first dick I ever touched. But nothing too serious happened over the summer.
  • Somehow, my mom found out about us being friends-with-benefits because I failed to cover my tracks once (I don't want to lengthen this anymore with another side story haha). She didn't approve because she saw what we were doing as Colin cheating on Kelsey. To shut her up I lied and said we were done and putting it in the past and it was gross and like kissing my brother and I just wanted to kiss someone before going to college. She bought it. She respected that I wanted this to be a secret and didn't tell anyone. Still, though, I think she doubts me. she's right, of course, but whatever.
And now. College. 

Chapter 1: Kelsey.
  • When we moved in, everything was cool. He was rooming with his best friend Luke. I did random assignment, and I can't remember if I told you what a CF that was. haha. 
  • He'd officially broken up with Kelsey, which was pretty messy. In his head, they were done when he and I started messing around, when he and her had decided to "take a break," but she never accepted it until he had to say we-are-done to her. I felt guilty because I felt like I'd gotten between them, but he insisted that their falling out was their own doing and it wasn't my fault. 
Chapter 2: Carolyn.
  • We're in college. We had plenty of time and space to sneak off and make out and stuff. 
  • All in all, everything was pretty good.
  • Except for the fact that we were moving really fast. I was a shy girl who'd never done anything with a guy before and he was like a restless horse that'd been kept in a stall for too long- he wanted to gogogogogo. I did feel a little pressured to have sex. 
  • I had him, though. He respected that and didn't push me. The pressure was all in my head, really. 
Chapter 3: Jen.
  • Some nights he'd go missing. He and Luke were in marching band. I didn't make it. I'd text him and Luke if they wanted to hit the dining hall for food, and sometimes they'd be playing basketball with their new-found band friends. After a while, Luke would be back before Colin was. 
  • I ask him what's up, and he tells me he's playing basketball with some guys and a girl from band. In my head, I noted that he added specifically that there was a girl. I noted it because lots of times, I look back in my journal and see little signs I should have picked up on before. Little signs that tell me what's about to happen. This was one of them. that girl was Jen.
  • Jen was a trombone player. She was one of the quieter, more reserved types. Colin, being mister knight-in-shining-armor, sought to be a good friend and reach out to her. (kind of like he did to me once, in high school, i guess.) When Colin brought her to dinner with me and Luke, she never said much, and to me- although I'm telling this as seen through bitter, jealous eyes- she seemed standoffish and almost rude. When she did talk, she had kind of a country accent. I don't know.
  • Apparently one night she was just hanging out with Colin in his dorm and they were watching a movie and she ended up on his lap. He didn't fight it, he said. And she just ended up staying the night, sleeping in his bed. Nothing happened. Luke was there, too. it's funny because that night, my roommate was out so I told him he could come over. I'd mustered up my courage to do whatever he wanted because I had this gut feeling I was losing him- I'd done my hair in curls and wore a nice dress and everything, but he never came because Jen stayed way later than he thought she would. Basically, he stood me up. 
  • I didn't take that very well, haha. but i dealt with it.
  • One night, the four of us (me, him, Luke, and Jen) were playing Call of Duty, and we took a break. Luke was messing on the computer, Jen was absorbed in her phone, and Kelsey, Colin's ex, started texting me crap about how much she missed Colin. I asked Colin what the heck I should say to her, and let him read through some texts. When Colin's upset or mad about something, he goes for a long run. After reading my phone, he got up, left the room, ran down the steps, and didn't stop. I ran after him until I lost him. It was like neither Luke or Jen noticed. He didn't come back after an hour so we looked for him. I ran around the whole campus. He didn't pick up his phone. Eventually Jen texted me saying "he found me" as if he went to her, who he'd known for a week, over two of his best friends. that sucked royally. 
  • Colin and I talked about it. He told me how bad he felt for how things went with Kelsey. He told me that he couldn't help liking Jen. Apparently they could talk for hours too. He told me he still liked me too, but that was much smaller, like an afterthought. I was okay with it. I understand that no one can control how they feel about someone else. We were talking about this when Luke was at his dad's house for the night. I ended up staying over because it was raining and late. And. We actually ended up having sex. It was kind of like our way of saying goodbye. I don't want to call it break-up sex, because there was nothing to break-up from, but that was basically it. It was the first time for both of us. It was horrible. We acknowledged it and laughed it off, and what's funny and possibly a little weird, is that it actually brought us closer as friends. 
  • The start of that relationship was pretty blurry, but one day, they were eventually referred to as boyfriend/girlfriend.
  • Somehow in the middle of it Colin and I ended up having sex again, because a) Luke was out B) it was really late and c) it was conveniently pouring again. He said that Jen would be cool with it. But when you're really hot, you're really not thinking about that kind of thing. We knew it was wrong but it felt so right we did it anyway. 
  • Not long after that, Colin and Jen broke up. It was really clean. He said it was just because he thought they made better friends. He told me that he'd had sex with her too. But it was nothing serious. It was probably his cleanest break up ever. They're still friends and they still hang out. As far as I know, it's completely platonic. I think they're good.
Chapter 4: Carolyn, Part II. 
  • Then things between us were cool. When you're Colin's number one, he texts you stupid things like good morning :) or just because he wants to say hi. He treats you to everything. He does dumb romantic shit like offering his arm while walking you home or scooping you up in hugs and kissing you on the neck. That was nice.
  • I felt awesome. You know in Scott Pilgrim, how he has to defeat the seven evil exes? That's always how I feel with him and his girlfriends. It's like I'm beating the exes, but as they're happening. I'd beaten Katie, that friend I told you he dated who I got jealous of (it felt like a competition), Kelsey, and now Jen. I felt like the invincible girl, the one, the one who'd always win in the end.
  • We had more sex. 
  • It was good.
  • Then he got kind of distant.
  • and then he told me he was considering getting back with Kelsey.
Chapter 5: Kelsey, Part II.
  • Colin gets weird when he's hiding things from you. You can't put your finger on it until it's too late. 
  • It was Halloween when Kelsey was texting me. I never explained Kelsey. She's an interesting character. It's funny because she'd text me for help and ask me what's going on with Colin. When they first broke up, she would confide in me how hurt she was and ask what she should do to get over him. I confessed to her (don't remember when) that I used to like him. She knows that he almost dated me before he started dating her. She always was jealous of me, because she said that Colin used to always light up at the mention of my name, and she was jealous that he and I could just talk for hours. I felt really guilty about that, and I know what losing Colin feels like, so I tried to help her. 
  • Anyway, she ended up waving the fact that she and Colin had gotten back together in my face. She asked me not to say anything because he wanted to keep it on the DL.
  • I acted like I was all happy for her. My advice to her was to give him space, because Colin always comes back, I said cryptically. I meant as a friend. But she got him back, like got him back-got him back. Sigh.
  • I had been in the library studying, but eventually, the fact that I'd heard this from her and not him kind of got too much to hold in so I just walked home. It was cold and I was wearing a blanket and had my music in. I didn't think I'd see anyone because it was late and I thought they'd all be out partying. I lost it and was crying like a 9-year-old when I passed a pack of dudes dressed like Slenderman. I ignored them. Someone grabbed me from behind by my shoulders. I assumed it was one of those guys just pulling a Halloween prank. I was going to turn around and be like, "yeah happy fucking halloween" or something bitter like that, but I had to look up because he was so tall. It was COLIN. The LAST possible person I wanted to see. He saw that I was crying like an idiot and he grabbed me in a huge hug and asked me what was wrong. I wouldn't tell him, but eventually he wheedled it out of me. We stood talking in a field for a little, actually, mostly, he held me while i just cried into his chest about him. Then we decided to go find the slendermans (slendermen?) and enjoy Halloween, and I put my big girl pants on and dealt with it. After everyone had gone home, we sat up on a parking deck and he apologized for not telling me. He said he thought that if he didn't dump all this on me, it would hurt me less. I get it. It was his misguided little way of trying to protect me. I was just hurt that he was acting like he didn't trust me. 
  • So all that happened.
  • Then one day, about a month later, he told me he thought he was going to break up with Kelsey because it didn't feel right.
  • After that, I thought we were gonna get back together again, for something.
  • But then, we signed the lease on an apartment next year with our parents' blessings. We'd been planning this for a long time with Luke, except he wants to be an RA so now he's out. And Colin and I, secretly, had joked together about how easy it would be to have sex. lol. But now there's no way we can have a public relationship, which I'm not so sure our friends/family are ready for anyway- they're so used to the idea of us being completely platonic friends, except my mom, who's hung up on the idea that he's a cheater. 
Chapter 6: Rebecca.
  • I learned about this one, again, from Kelsey. She texted me frantically, saying that she was texting him and he sent her the wrong text. The text said that he was "crazy about you" and she knew it couldn't have been her because he just dumped her. So she went apeshit.
  • I ignored it for a while. I'm trying to learn to keep my nose out of things that don't concern me. 
  • About a week later, Colin drunk texted me and asked me not to tell Rebecca about that. I said don't worry, because I don't know who she is.
  • Interruption: After meditating, I realize I do. Two years ago, at the beach, I was actually trying to convince Colin to date other girls during senior year. He said Kelsey, one girl he was interested in, was a lost cause, and so was this other girl, Rebecca. He said he knew he and Rebecca could have worked but he wasn't religious enough for her. I should have known it was her when he got on a mysterious Jesus-streak about a week before the drunk text incident. 
  • Anyway, I said I didn't know who she was, and he texted back all mysteriously that I will, not yet but soon.
  • Great.
  • He texts her like 24/7.
  • I don't want to talk about it. It just makes me mad.
  • It pisses me off that this girl could apparently come out of nowhere. After me not hearing about her for two years, suddenly he's all over her! Jen, it makes sense, he just wanted all the pussy he could get. But this girl is super Christian so he probably isn't getting anything (plus she doesn't want him to get this tattoo he really wants, doesn't want him to curse (he swears like a sailor regularly), doesn't want him to drink, etc so what the fuck), she's someone he met in high school brass band- she is a year behind us, still in high school, and four towns away. Oh, and she's into marine biology, just like me. It scares me that he really likes her. That she's the girl who's gonna win in the end. That in a cruel plot twist, I'm one of the evil exes that has to be defeated. 
And that's as far as it is. 
Colin and I are still good friends. 
It's weird, though, because I feel like something's missing. And I think it's him. He's always tied to his phone, texting rebecca all the time. sometimes he doesn't look you in the eye. Even my parents noticed that. My dad joked, "it's probably guilt because he's so guilty about fucking my daughter." He has no idea and he was joking, but boy, was that an awkward one to laugh off. phew.

I know this paints Colin to probably look like some inconsiderate, selfish dickhead, but he's really not like that. He's not. He's just... not mature yet. He doesn't understand self control, but he's learning. 

Example: This is embarrassing, but I've kind of had this fantasy of having wild sex on the end of the world, 12/21. Which was yesterday. It didn't happen. But since Colin was single, I joked with him about being DTF a week ago. He implied that he was too, but he's learning his lesson and told me he thinks he should stick to one girl at a time since he's trying to date Rebecca right now. I told him I'm definitely cool with that and he earned a ton of respect from me with that self control he's finally learning.

Anyway, the other thing about him is that he doesn't want to hurt people but he doesn't understand how other people think. He thinks that what people don't know won't hurt them. He thinks that if you run off, and leave a problem alone for a while, it'll sort itself out. He thinks that if you ignore an issue and don't talk about it, then you don't make it a reality, and therefore it's not. He thinks that time heals everything all by itself. 

He knows I still like him, and he's being sensitive and gentle to that.
still, though, it's weird.

And i'll be ending this monster of a post here. 


i'm back.

In the next few posts, which will probably be much wordier than I'm expecting, I'm going to explain everything. Hold tight, loves.


getting the fuck over it.

Life does not give a damn if I like myself or not, so I might as well get the fuck over it and learn to make peace with myself. I can’t expect to face the world if I can barely face myself.

So now I’m getting the fuck over it and
Maybe learn a little self-love, and self-respect. I’ve never wanted to before. I’ve never thought I’m worth it. I’m not, but how can I expect to understand why anyone else likes me?

Scarlett tells me I’m cool as shit. I don’t think she’s lying. But I don’t believe it so it feels like a lie to me, and it’s hard for me to trust people because I feel like everyone lies to me all the time and the world is a grand conspiracy where people are nice to my face and pretend to care when in reality they don’t give a rat’s ass what happens to me.

The world is like that.I

t don’t give a shit if you ain’t happy with what you got. Life goes on anyway. If you’re happy with what you have, you’re just saving yourself time and energy bitching about what you haven’t got, and hating yourself for all the things you are and aren’t. If you don’t like something, quit fucking bitching and change it. I bitch way too fucking much.

I bitch about myself way too fucking much.

I would tell any of my friends that self-love isn’t arrogance and it’s an important step in finding self-confidence.

Which I’m sick of not having.

Another thing I do besides beat myself up all the time is worry. I always analyze everything. Yesterday Colin and I agreed that maybe we wouldn’t make the best couple right now and agreed to maybe date later, if we do, and we’ll just be friends with slip ups for a while because neither of us is actually ready for a real, formal relationship. Besides, he’s still hung up over Kelsey. He says he still has feelings for her which I don’t understand but half the time he is bashing her for being clingy.

He calls me stupid sometimes and that’s not okay. He doesn't put enough value onto sex and that’s not okay. He makes jokes my family and that’s not okay.

I tell him one second that I just want something free and no-strings attached, then I ask him what kind of relationship we’re in and that’s not okay. I’m hot and cold with him all the time and that’s not okay. I test him and play games and that’s not okay. And I'm two-faced a lot behind his back and that's not okay.

In all this, keeping a journal has done one positive thing, well, maybe two, actually: it’s helped me keep my sanity through all this by having somewhere to sort out my thoughts, and it’s helped me recognize patterns and spot signs of trouble.

So we stopped it before we started, because neither of us is what the other wants yet? I think we both have this feeling that we’ll end up together in the end.

But it’s impossible to know.

The only thing I can control is me and being the best person I can be. I can’t control how he thinks or what he does or what he says or why or when he gets a boner or who he texts what to or how he feels or anything. I can’t control that and it’s not something I should bother analyzing patterns in because I can’t do anything to fix it if it has nothing to do with me.

So I’ve decided for a week, that instead of writing everything down and thinking about why, I’m just going to write down only events and if necessary how they make ME feel. I’m going to be selfish and not care about anyone else’s point of view. This is my diary, after all. I don’t have to solve the world. No one can do that.Life is big, life is complicated. As Dr. Bruck hollers, LIFE IS NOT MULTIPLE CHOICE.

I can’t keep doing what I’m doing.

I bought a pack of cigarettes to shake things up and step out of my comfort zone with something that I for once am in complete control of. Nobody’s making me smoke. Nobody’s pressuring me to do it.

I felt pressured to have sex. I feel pressured to lose weight and be thin. I feel pressured to go out partying. I feel pressured to look perfect and be perfect and funny and all that. I feel pressured to put myself out there and make all new friends. I guess none of those are really truly horrible things, but… it makes me uncomfortable to not conform, so I do it, even if it doesn't necessarily make me happy.

Fuck it. Nobody’s pressuring me to have a cigarette, and nobody’s pressuring me to not have a cigarette, so I’m just going to do it if I feel like it.

I’ve never been in so much control before. That sounds stupid and untrue, but for most things in my life, somebody or something was always driving me to do something. I haven't ever really done much for just no reason at all. Control makes me uncomfortable. I’ve always let life have its way with me and hated myself for letting myself get taken advantage of.

Well, I’ll still do that, because stopping it all of a sudden will just flatten me.So for now, I’ll make peace with myself and life and stop trying to figure it out all the time. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay for some things to be a mystery. It’s okay for there to be uncharted water. I don’t have to have Colin on my agenda in the future. I don’t have to date him. Maybe I’ll have his babies; maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll meet other guys; maybe I won’t.

But it’s like I always said to Colin himself: when you plan things, they have this weird habit of fucking up. I can’t bank on things happening the way I want or expect in life. Sometimes it throws curve balls and I have to deal with it. When I’m my own biggest obstacle, I can’t catch the things life throws at me.

So here's my week off from analyzing and self-scrutiny.


talking about things people don't talk about.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've been going running a lot too, trying to drag and yank my body into the shape i want it to be. (It ain't workin' :P) And then I get all angry when I run and get all self-righteous and confident like shit I don’t need no man! and all sorts of other things. Then once my heart rate slows down and my headache goes away (I'm probably running wrong somehow but then again... asthma sigh), I sit at my computer and type all the things I mulled over in my sweaty anger.

I hate running, but I keep going anyway. It’s like a life lesson. Even when things hurt and you hate everything, you should still keep going and keep pushing through, because you’ll be stronger in the end. If you stop and cut corners, you’re only not helping yourself.

Now to the meat and potatoes of this post (or whatever vegetarian substitute you prefer; perhaps quinoa): How many people have sex? I don't mean statistics. I mean, around me, how many people do it? Who? Why?

We’re trying to do adult things when we’re not adults. He can’t grow up and think about things and the consequences of his actions. Me on the other hand, I think too much, I worry too much. Does that fit the bill of being an adult?Isn't worrying too much something adults do? Am I trying to grow up too fast? Because, let’s think… I was so firm in my self-discipline of not having sex, but just like the running, I hated resisting because resisting was hard, so I stopped and caved in. I don’t have as much willpower and determination as I pretend I do.

In reality, I give up pretty easily.

I give up trying to get any other guys than him. (Oh, that word, HIM, who can mean anyone but you probably know who I mean.) I don’t try because I’m afraid. Being afraid of nothing, that’s more of a child thing than an adult thing,isn't it.

And I also thought, what's the difference between sex and making love? What is love? I said I was going to think about that. I’m pretty sure he and I love each other, but what kind of love is it? And… why are we trying so hard to be adults? We’re not having sex to fit in. We’re having sex because we want to. Because it brings us closer, as friends, and as whatever else we are. We're having sex because we're bored, and sex is something that people hide and don't talk about; and having a secret, that makes you interesting, that makes your life exciting, somehow.

But in reality, we’re just two shaking kids getting it on.

I finished a book of short stories by Charles Bukowski, as recommended to me by a friend named Scarlett (whose social group I've always admired for their free-spirited, who-gives-a-fuck, beatnik generation kind of attitude). I told Scarlett I liked it. I did. Bukowski’s fascinating. I don’t get why people don’t talk about sex and stuff or why they find it all so offensive. Our sex lives are things we all keep secret. Who the fuck cares? If we all have the same secrets and the same hidden sexual desires, why try so hard to keep them holed up?

I don’t know why people can’t talk about sex or their sexual urges. Those are something everyone has. Just like everyone has the urge to pee. If you announce you have to pee, I mean, some people will be like, ok, tmi, but it’s not completely taboo. Why don’t people talk about sex? What’s so bad about it that it’s got to be hushed up? You don’t talk to children about sex, sure, but you also don’t talk to them about politics. That doesn't mean politics don’t exist. Doesn't mean they’re horrible things that should be kept private. Sure, you can offend somebody with it and sure it’s complicated and serious, but the more people know about it, possibly the wiser choices they’ll make.

I don’t know,

Look at me getting all philosophical and shit. I'm all by myself on campus. I have no idea where everyone is. I feel like the world just left me behind. That's how i feel a lot. like even coming to college with 35,000 people and i still feel totally alone when he's not here.


Something else I noticed.

They have a word for someone who tells lies. (Liar.) But they don't have a word for someone who tells truths.


So tell me

is it easier to say goodbye for now or goodbye forever?


While I'm here

Has anyone ever noticed how, on books that have been turned into movies, the more recent publications have a little balloon that chirps, "Now a major motion picture!"

Two things.
1. Someone please tell me which books have been turned into minor motion pictures.
2. We don't live in the fucking 1920's, so why the hell can't you just call it a movie. "Yeah, bye mom, the motion picture's over at 11 so I'll see you then!" WTF.

There's a First Time for Everything 6: Walk of Shame

Last night I did something pretty dumb.

I slept with Colin.
Not like that. I mean it in the most innocent sense of the word. It'll be tough to explain what happened, because from the outside, this situation looks so fucked up. So I'm not even going to try. But it was kind of like our way of saying goodbye I guess.

It's 8 AM. I just went back because I wanted to let him sleep and I just wasn't getting any. I probably got 20 minutes of sleep per hour. And we went to bed probably around 2. So what's that...2 hours of sleep? I'm not tired, though.

I know it sounds creepy, but most of the time I just watched him. everyone's so peaceful when they sleep. You can listen to their breathing and it tells you when they've nodded off. I put my hand on his chest and felt his heart beat. He sleeps shirtless. He was warm and the air was cold, so we snuggled together.

I'm going to miss him, but I know I have to let him go.

Anyway, back to the original topic of this post...
Walk of shame. All the way back to my dorm. I saw one person walking. I think he knew I was shamin'. It was a little embarrassing, but fuck him for judging.



So Colin and me are done.

He found this other chick he likes. Jennifer. It's a long story, but we agreed that maybe we should stop doing what we're doing. We texted about it, then we talked the next day. He said a lot of nice things, actually. We just held each other and hugged and cried and talked. And now we're fine. It's funny. Every time we have one of our "break ups" I feel like we're actually closer friends afterward.
He told me I'm amazing and he doesn't deserve someone as great as me. He apologized a hundred and ten times for acting like a scumbag and a dick. The last time we kissed was last Monday. And it's okay.

I don't like this new girl, but I just asked him not to tell me about her. I don't want to know. Of course we'll still be friends. And it's all good. 

I told him I'll still be here for him. I left it up to his interpretation. And yeah, it sounds wrong like I'm inviting myself to get used, but I have a Colin shaped hole in my heart. Always have. He said back to that, sheepishly, softly, and almost humbly, "And you know that I'll always come crawling back..."

You know what? This time away from Colin is probably good. It’s not like I never want to take him back. I’ll always love him somehow, and we’ll always be good friends. And although I haven’t found any other guys, I can finally take off the rose-tinted glasses I always saw him through- the ones that let me overlook his faults all the time. Actually, on that little expression, Colin gave me these sunglasses that I tried on to be silly and liked when we were driving up to Virginia together. It turned everything yellow. So now I’m looking through yellow-tinted glasses. Not love glasses. Friendship glasses.

Maybe he’s not the guy for me anyway. 

So… I feel like there were loads of feelings I should write down, loads of things to explain.
I really want to tell Kelsey, his ex girlfriend who's been texting me, everything, but I’m afraid it would destroy her. I want to tell her how much I’m in the same boat with her. I really want to help her and make her feel better, because I know how she feels. I know what it's like to lose him. It's funny how things like this turn on their heads- all year, I felt like I was competing with Kelsey. And it's funny because the further he got from her meant the closer he got to me. I think she wants me to help her get him back, but it's not like that'll be easy for me to do. I want to help her. But guiltily, I think of how easy sabotaging her would be so I could get closer. I could if I wanted to. but I don't. I'm remaining neutral, for once. 
I watch him decide he wants to grow apart from her and move on. She’s just baggage to him now. I feel terrible. I’m watching this happen, but there’s nothing I can do. I don’t want to say anything to him about it. Then, there’s the unspoken worry I haven’t dared think about, but I guess I should do now…
What if I have to follow Kelsey? What if I’m next to get dumped? I mean… he’s dumped me before. And come back. I told Kelsey that Colin comes back. I never told her exactly how, because that would mean telling her that… well, saying he cheated would be a little harsh, but essentially, to her, that’s what it would be.
Then come all the tough questions I don’t want to answer myself.
Like… Will he really come back to me?
I need to get a plan to get him back.
But do I really want that?
What’s so great about him that I want him back for, anyway?
Do I really want him back?
Well, I’ve already done a pros and cons thing about him. But god… I already miss him a little bit. Here comes a word dump. I miss how he’d just grab me close and pull me in for a kiss. He blew raspberries on my stomach. He’d trace his finger on my thigh as I sat in the passenger seat as we drove, windows down, music up. He is the only person so far who’s been able to tickle me on the neck. He’d drag his finger under my leg, slowly, driving me crazy, asking, tickle yet? Tickle yet? And I’d shake my head, trying to contain my giggles. I don’t know if it was cause it tickled or because I was just… you know. Fucking turned on. He’d get a twinkle in his eye when he teased me about something, especially if it was sexy. We would play truth and all of a sudden he’d get super horny and try to pretend he wasn’t… or sometimes, he wouldn’t even pretend at all. The way his eyes get bigger and sparklier when he asks for something… how he bows down when he knows he’s wrong and lets you smack him. When I sat close to him and he got a boner, he’d awkwardly shove at his pants and I’d giggle and pretend not to notice. He blew out his air really slow when I touched him, like he was trying to calm himself down and not scare the shit out of me. He was so gentle. He went my pace. I miss when he used to just text me and all he had to say was “hi.” I miss how he could put his head on my lap and I’d stroke his hair while he slept.  I miss when we fell asleep texting each other. I miss putting my head on his chest and feeling his heartbeat. I miss when we were at the pool and he was dripping wet and I was dripping wet and we kissed under the stars, at Luke’s house when anyone could come out at any moment but we didn’t care…
Gah. I bet Kelsey feels pretty similar.
At the same time though… most of the day, I didn't miss him. I felt pretty defiant and confident. Like, I can look. I don’t need him to validate me. I don’t need him as my security blanket, just like he doesn’t need me as his. Or does he? Ugh.

I used to be afraid of the song “Walking Through That Door” by Future Islands. I don’t know why, but it made me think of … I don’t know, my father walking me through somewhere. It felt like… someone walking you through the door to the next life; having a guide that would sometime soon be gone and leave you alone.
It still scares me a bit.
But I can listen to the song now. It’s like the next chapter of my life, which I never pictured happening, is opening up.
My feels are divided again, just like they are with Colin, between missing and not missing my parents. I don’t miss the things like…nagging from my mother, the bitching from my father, etc. But still I can hear them. My mother’s voice echoes in my head when I walk alone at night, that I’m going to get raped. The other day, I heard My Girl, the song that this bear my dad won me from musical chairs at a daddy-daughter dance once played, and I almost called him up to tell him. I can hear my mother’s advice, the rules for sex. I was hanging up my towel just a second ago and I found the unopened box of condoms she packed me. I thought about what me and Colin were gonna use them for. Doing it safely? Check. Not going to regret it later? Check. Right guy? Check??... I also remember her warning me that cheaters cheat again. Cheaters will cheat again. … Ugh.
Why does she gotta be so damn right all the time? She’s always fucking right and it’s annoying. Maybe one day I’ll become a mom so I can be right all the time. You know, that’d be a nice change.
Today my economics teacher started the class by saying that he hopes we all fail at something. Not at class, of course, he said. But he hopes that we try something and fail.
Trust me, I wanted to say back, I’ve had plenty of failures. I think I actually laughed out loud when he said that. Whoops.
He meant business failures, of course.
But whatever. It still cut.
Teachers here, they seem to be different from high school. Definitely. You get a wider range of things.
The environmental science teacher, he said that he hates high school because it teaches you everything in a multiple-choice mindset. It prepares you for life by preparing you for the test. Well, he hollered, because that’s apparently what he does (even his notes are in all caps) LIFE IS NOT MULTIPLE CHOICE. LIFE IS COMPLICATED.
Yeah, it really is.

But I'm learning. He's learning. we're all learning. It's college, and we'll figure it out as we go.

And if he comes back to me, awesome. If not, it's something I'll have to face. But I'm trying not to worry about it. I'm going to open up my heart and let new guys I meet in, if they want. I'm going to tell my self confidence problems to fuck themselves and do whatever the hell I want. Maybe I'll use those three condoms I saw today, hanging in my toiletries bag. The ones that stare at me, call me a little whore, but at the same time jeer at me for never using them. Fuck em. Maybe I'll throw em out.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.


It's easy to tell someone else to move on.

Until you have to try it for yourself.


Quick update.

So I'm in college.
So far it's actually not too scary at all.
Bye. :)


oaughnadlan ,emfn.

I'm so annoyed with myself. I asked my dad to help me wipe my computer and install the new Microsoft software before college, and I have this extra hard drive that I put everything on, but I didn't notice that not all the files copied and I lost all my stories and diaries and video logs but yet i still have all the crap from AP Biology.


I'm so mad.

That was like five years worth of diaries.
So... this blog is the sole source of documentation in my life! Hoorayyy... :/


Is it weird that

I use youtube to find new music.

I just click through related videos and wake up from a youtube coma four hours later realizing how much money I just spent on iTunes. LOL.



If something makes you feel good, do it. If it doesn't, don't.

What's so hard about that?
How come you always have to figure out why it makes you feel good or not?
Just enjoy it.
For once in your life, live in the present.
Forget about the past.
Don't worry about tomorrow.
You have today, so make the most of it.
You can reach for tomorrow, but let it be, because you'll never catch it anyway. It's always a day away.
Stop over-analyzing, and love what you've got.
Don't worry about what you don't have.
You don't have to make today the best day ever.
Sometimes, you will have a shitty day.
It's all right.
Sit back, and enjoy life.
It'll happen whether you worry about it or not; whether you're "ready" or not.
Trust me, you're probably ready for it when it comes at you.


Blog friends, I need help.

All right. It's time I told you what's going on. (This is a really long post, but it would mean so much if you could read it and stuff <3)

It's Colin, of course.
Yesterday I was so happy and things were going so well but here I go doubting things. This ALWAYS happens.

So you all know our story. We almost dated before. It's a long story, but what ended up happening was I didn't want to date him in high school (together, we agreed we'd date in college) because I have confidence issues so I told him to friendzone me for this other chick. He did, and then I angsted about it for many a post. After that, I learned he was quite into his girlfriend and I just kind of have been chilling in the background, trying to get over him. On monday, he asked me if I had a second to talk.

Here's the abridged texting conversation: He's not so sure that he's as in love as he thought before with his girlfriend, that they're fighting more, and their relationship is slipping. He admitted to me that he thought they would be over sooner than this and he was kind of waiting for her to get bored of him but then his feels got in the way. Now though they fight. And he confessed that I've always been in the back of his head the whole time, he liked me for all of high school a little even through all the other girls he's dated and he's always wondered what kind of couple we'd make. [all the worrying I did! Didn't even matter :) ] He said that he and his girlfriend have gone pretty far, right up to it but never actually having sex. She wants to back down on the messing around that they do. And he thinks with his penis a lot and was a little disappointed but respected it. And then she got mad at him for some reason after that.

So I said on Wednesday we should have lunch and talk about this and he agreed. We ended up packing a picnic lunch and going to a river. We hiked down the river (it was very quiet and the only people we saw for several hours were two guys kayaking down the river who didn't notice us) and we climbed up this cliff thing and sat on a giant rock over the river.

I admitted to him that I've also had feelings for him. On and off through high school, but I always got jealous when he had a girlfriend.
And I tried again to explain why I always turned him down. That I was scared kind of. And I was wanting to date other people first, because statistically speaking most people never get a serious relationship with their first boyfriend and I always thought he and i were more than that.
It's funny because we never like each other at the same time and when we do, there's nothing any of us can do about it haha (I have confidence issues, he has a girlfriend, he has confidence issues, it's easier for the sake of drama to be friends, i like some other guy, etc.)
We agreed that we'd probably be the funniest romantic comedy ever and if we wrote a book, it would be a best seller for an original, twisted romance story.

It gets weirder.

We agreed on maybe having a friends-with-benefits relationship in college. After that, he kind of jumped right in and put his arm around me. I didn't argue of course. this was just like old times, before he was dating Kelsey. I missed the attention. Besides, it was just friendly. But then we got real close. We kept talking. We can talk about everything. He told me Kelsey is jealous of that. How much the two of us can talk but how he and her usually have nothing to talk about and just make out. And he said she's jealous of how his face lights up at the mention of me. And she thinks he doesn't at her name. *blushblush*

And then there's this. He kissed me on the cheek. Once on the shoulder, twice on the cheek the entire time. It's pretty obvious he wanted to kiss but he's patient and wants to go my pace. I honestly need him to just grab me and do it. Just like all the other times before, i turned my head and looked away blushing and grinning. I was too scared to kiss him. I've never kissed anyone and he knows that and it's kind of awkward because.. yeah.

Soon it was time for us to go because I had to work. and that was that.
I was so happy at work and it was amazing and I had so much hope for the future and stuff. Hooray! And we were like... this is between us, no one has to know, and besides, we're just going to have an open, loose, non-committed, friendly but beneficial relationship in college and right now we're just gonna let what happens happen.

Then later that night I started to think more about how I would feel were I in Kelsey's shoes. That's another reason I couldn't kiss him. Because if I were her, and my boyfriend who is nice, good looking, and all that, was into some other chick he'd known before me that I was already suspicious and jealous of, I'd feel so crushed and probably I'd be out of confidence for months.
I told him this. I asked him how he'd want things to go were it a perfect world, since he says he really likes both of us and doesn't know what to do.
And I told him, nicely, that usually guys get into this kind of relationships for the physical aspects.

He texted me back the next morning saying that in a perfect world, he'd have the balls and sensibility to break up with his girlfriend but remain friends, and that me and him could have an informal relationship type thing in college where we're still friends but do what we want. And he said that he isn't into me for the sex; he enjoys my company and friendship and stuff. (Note he said nothing else about kelsey.)

Then my friend Kaelin and I went on a walk this morning. She helped me text him. She has so much more balls than i do; she's so smart and I don't know what I'd do without her. She thinks that I definitely shouldn't mess around with him while he's dating Kelsey because it's not fair to either of us. I agree with her. So with her help I told Colin that he needs to choose between us, since if I were Kelsey I'd be crushed to know he's doing this.
I added that as much as I want to be with him too, I don't feel comfortable going any further than cozy friends because I'd feel guilty cheating on Kelsey. It's funny that I seem to care more for his girlfriend's feelings than he does. That bothers me a little bit.

Then in that same conversation he said that he thinks he and Kelsey are gonna take a break. He seemed upset and texted really vaguely.
I went to work today and it's okay.
And now we're texting again late at night and sorting things out more.

I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.
I literally don't care what he does with me; it's Kelsey I'm worried about. I mean I like the extra attention a lot, but I just think about how I'd feel if I were her.
Even if he does end it with her, I think that if I let him take the wheel (which I do. because I'm one of them shy girls.) we might go pretty fast. I'm okay with that. I don't mean to sound like a whore but we're so close it's like we've already been dating and I've been waiting for this for a while. It's about damn time. but idk.

and i don't want a relationship with him still for reasons unknown.
Sometimes I think I have him completely figured out and he does something crazy, like this.
Please help.
This is uncharted water for me and I'm stuck.

EDIT 6/22: He just talked to her today and they agreed on taking a "break" for a semester... I'll tell you what that means once I figure it out.


My life is so great.

My life is so great. My life is so great. My life is sooooo great!!
maybe i'll post about it later.


Everything is going to work out perfectly.

My poultry-science-major 19-year-old country girl future roommate who I may or may not be a little scared of,  I just learned, is in a relationship with someone named Matt Smith.

I think things are going to be just fine. :)

Update: Oh god, she likes country... Ok, Cypress, be open-minded about this, let's be open-minded...

hey whatever her boyfriend is named Matt Smith. Here's who I think of:

You know, the eleventh doctor. <3
I highly doubt it's the same guy. <--shuddup, reason. :P


words are futile devices.

I wish more people liked Sufjan Stevens. That guy's a genius.

nzvnjaskawpawmabk *head banging on keyboard*

My feelings. They are overwhelming. asdlkbndan argh.
I'm in a silly mood.
But at the same time, I'm not.

I feel like there's a little storm bubbling under my skin. Storms don't bubble. Ugh. Whatever.
I can't write coherently.

I don't know why I'm like this. I usually only post when I have something interesting to say but all I've got is nothing.

I'm getting my wisdom teeth out on Monday. I'm not excited about that at all because it will involve IV's, therefore, needles. Which are, by the way, a big no-no.

and COLIN.
I don't know. I . Fuck. I miss him so hard it hurts. I don't know why I'm STILL not over him. I just saw him last Monday. And we've only been texting on and off all day. But...

The worst thing is, I don't want to get over him.
I'm still letting him tear me up.

Yeah, I don't get it either.


new phone and all that crap.

I got a new phone because some bitch stole it. Hahahahaha.

Friday was my last day of school. Ever. Until college, that is. So I think I’ll take a moment to reflect.
Does college still scare me? Yes. I thought this day was doomsday, the last day of school, I’d be fighting to hold it together, terrified to grow up. But in all reality, high school is not a place for children. It’s a place for wannabe grownups. And actually, I think I grew up a long time ago. Well, not grew up, but matured at least.
This year has been really key for me. I learned a lot about myself. I couldn’t explain it to you right here and now, but I understand. I’m a different person from when I started this. I’m a lot … calmer. I know I haven’t seen much, but I feel like I have. I learned about people, how they work.
A lot of things have happened, but at the same time, it’s really nothing much at all. My dad says this is the time he remembers when his life started; nothing really mattered before that.
That gives me mixed feelings. It’s good partially, because it means the best things are to come, but at the same time, I don’t want to forget everything I’ve learned from being a high schooler.
Here’s the kicker.
I like myself.
There. I like who I am. I’m comfortable being myself.
Freshman year, I hated myself and I wanted to die, if only cleaning me up didn’t have to be a problem for anyone else.
Now, I feel like I have self worth, confidence almost. Well, not quite, because I still don’t feel valuable to be loved enough by guys, but I have a feeling that someday, that’ll come.

So. That’s all that.

I feel like this has all been very anticlimactic. I don’t really like things to go out with a bang. It makes me uncomfortable. And it’s ironic. My whole life seems to be pretty damn ironic.
It’s always the opposite of what I plan/expect to happen that happens, but things end up turning out the way I usually want anyway. Like me and Colin. Our whole relationship is essentially a CF, but we’re still strong friends and we’ll look out for each other in college. Maybe we’ll be fuck buddies.
And college itself. I used to look forward to it so much, then I dreaded it, and now I’m coming to terms with it. And I used to be so adamant about not going to state, and it was my first choice. Not sure how that happened.
And I’m giving Emily all this advice I would have given myself as a freshman, and she said that she feels better and I changed her as a person. I became for her the person I wished I could have been friends with then. I see myself in her. And I believe in her because I see how I've changed in the past four years, and I know she can do it too. It kind of brings things full circle for me.
I’m still not sure how all of this happened.
And my sister made section leader, and it’s awesome, because now there’s a dynasty. And I’m letting go of front ensemble just fine.
And finally, me and Taylor are going to the same school again- first time since preschool.
And my phone is no longer missing, but not having one was more liberating than anything else and I almost don’t really want a new one. But it’s harder for everyone else if I don’t have one.

So that’s that. I’m cleaning my room right now. And my contacts list. I put up a status on facebook telling people to text me with their numbers, and the people I don't want to talk to anymore, I just don't put them in my contacts. I'm starting over. I'm going to college.


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)