My dad's asking me why I'm just lazing around all the time, or why I just chill out in my room so much. that just happens to be my evening haunt, which is when he gets back from work. I tell him I'm just tired. But it's true. I am.
Other people are working so much harder than me so I don’t get how I could possibly feel so drained all the time. Everyone around me, it feels like, is doing so great at everything and I'm feeling left in the dust. Where do people get all this energy?
I really want to ask Colin to start selling me Adderall. Anything man. He says he doesn’t take it anymore but I’m about to ask him to start pretending to so I can have it. I hate having disadvantages. The other day my dad almost wouldn’t even let me go out and rake because he was worried about me getting asthma. Fuck my asthma. I’m not as wimpy as everyone thinks.
Maybe I fucking am. And apparently I’m stupid and can’t focus on anything… how do you get tested for ADD anyway? I’ve got enough drugs in my system. Fuck that. I’m just gonna let another stupid drug fix me. I’ve got birth control as my safety net because I’m too stupid to use a condom and can’t say no and whatever. I’ve got all this acne medication because I can’t just fix my own skin. I keep forgetting, I had to take antidepressants sophomore-junior year to get back on my feet. And now I’m going to have to take Adderall or Ritalin or something to clear the shit out of my head. To focus me cause I can’t focus myself. I don’t really have ADD. I just have too many things distracting me that I don’t have the willpower to put aside. Things I’m not willing to stop thinking about. Important things that follow me around all day.
I hate going to the doctor. I always feel like they’re going to tell me I’m making shit up and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me, or I’m just pretending, or my problems aren’t real. Or like I’m disappointing them with how much I suck and how laughable and inadequate and pathetic I am that I have to ask for this kind of help.
But then, I've always dealt with people like that girl I told you about pushing me down and people telling me to suck it up and that I'm not really suffering and it's not a big deal anyway. When I was fighting anorexia as a freshman, nobody saw it happening, nobody asked, so I felt like maybe it was all in my head and I was inventing an eating disorder as a plea for attention. Which I still wonder about. Was it a plea for attention if only one other person ended up knowing about it?
I hate it when people see me struggle. That’s why I won’t go to a tutor. I don’t want anyone to watch me struggle through something easy. I hate going running with people because I suck at it and then I’m sitting in a corner gasping for air and then that idea is stuck with them forever, that I’m fragile and weak, and wimpy, and they just assume that I can never do it and I can’t anyway but it just hurts when people get that assumption. So I’d honestly rather that people believe that I’m lazy and don’t want to try than have them believe that I can’t. Not trying hurts a lot less than failing.
I’m this far away from giving up this winter break- like getting a job, who's going to hire me for two weeks? I want to say I'm so done with Colin. I just fail in the end anyway. I just end up alone. Bled dry. Bruised. God. I just obsess over the same things. Colin. My weight. My appearance. Things people say. Things people do. Things people don't do. Sex.
All my goddamn anxiety problems are coming back and I want to blame it all on Colin cause he left me and it’s his fault but it’s not. I want to be like, he’s the one terrorizing me, he’s the one who pressures me to be so perfect, but no.
He’s not doing a goddamn thing.
Never has, never will.
I’m the one bullying myself.
Always have, always will.
I’m my own biggest enemy. And I need drugs to beat myself, which is stupid.