Here's something intriguing.

I think I might have a suppressed memory.

First of all, isn't that incredible?! The human mind is amazing, how you can block things from yourself. I thought that it's possible these sorts of things could be made up, but then I was like, whoa, when I looked at myself.

So here's this. I have an abnormally good memory of my childhood. Probably the earliest thing I can remember is being two years old in an elevator at the hospital with my dad. I was wearing an "I'm a big sister now" t-shirt, and it was when my first sister was born in 1996. My first vivid memory was when I was three years old on a plane. I remember the fluffy clouds going by. I'd been sitting with my dad and my mom and baby sister were several rows behind us. He went back to check on them and I remember being terrified, but there was a nice man on the aisle seat who talked to me to cheer me up.

Anyway, the memory in question is when my grandfather died in 2002. I was eight years old, in third grade. Most of 3rd grade I remember pretty clearly, except for a few months in the middle. that's where it gets fuzzy, which is weird since most of my elementary school memories are pretty clear.

I remember when my mother was shouting, "goodbye daddy" to her hard-of-hearing father on the phone downstairs. I was standing in the upstairs hallway. I didn't understand what was happening. I remember when she sat down on my bed and told me he had died. I don't remember anything else. Apparently we drove to Florida to go to the funeral, which I don't remember. The only memory I have is a flash: a yellow couch with flowers on it.

Apparently, when we got back home, I had a test that I had to take which would put me in the Academically Gifted (AG) program if I got a certain score. I didn't score very well on it. Both my sisters made it into AG, but I never did. The first "advanced" class I took was in high school.

I don't remember anything about the funeral or the test. My dad was talking to me about how my mother harbors some resentment towards him from that time and they still haven't cleared it up. He says I should clear things up with her because she doesn't get over things well. It's a long story what happened between them but he says it was about putting the kids first instead of her. He thinks that if I don't remember any of that mess, it might be because I repressed it. Now he's with mom thinking that I'm psychologically messed up- he thinks that I have pent up anger or something at not making the AG program and I always feel stupid and inadequate because of that test, or like I'm the source of people's problems from my parents fighting over me.

It's possible. I'd rather not blame my issues on some past thing I don't even remember that might not even be relevant to all this. I wonder if I really did repress that, though. Is that weird or what?

No comments:


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)