on the end of the world / on disappointment.

So I'd told you that I had this embarrassing fantasy where I wanted to have wild sex when "the world was ending."

It obviously didn't happen haha. I was in such an analyzing mood last night. I was just like, reflecting on how small I felt and how little had really happened in my life and how little I’d really done. How much I worry about things that are so small and stupid but how they’re all I have.

Where does time go? One minute we have so much of it we’re practically wasting it and the next second it’s gone and we’re wishing it back.

I’ve heard that exes can’t go back to being friends. That it’s like saying, hey, your dog is dead but you can still keep it. I know Colin and I aren’t exes, but… something’s weird. I can’t put my finger on it.

I don’t want to admit to myself that it’s because there’s nothing there anymore and that’s it, wham bam, he’s over me. and we’re exes and we can’t be friends and the dog is dead and we’re trying to keep it and it’s just rotting I wish I could look back at what went on last year. I was a little comforted by our secret college agreement last year, clinging to that because I thought there could be hope for me still that he’d come back for me. and then he did. Kind of.

I tell myself I just want the sex and that I can deal without him emotionally there. Sometimes it washes over me and I get super horny all of a sudden and I feel like a disgusting pervert. Like a guy, pretty much.

Colin kept joking around that I’m practically a guy now. I wonder if that was a hidden message. That I got friend-zoned permanently.

Everyone’s advice to me has always been “just wait for college” and “in college it’s so much better” and you know what? It’s not. It’s not better. I’m still battling the same demons. I still hate myself for the same things. I’ve made a grand tally of one new friend who I didn’t know from high school.

I was supposed to go wild. I was supposed to become beautiful and hot and come back skinny and wow the pants off everyone who ever thought I was fat or not good enough or not worth anything. My dad told me I’d have guys falling all over me in college. Me and that girl friend were supposed to go out and party and meet tons of new, fun, interesting people. I was supposed to have a fascinating time and get good grades and jobs and internships and what am I doing?

I’m spending the majority of my break at home in bed making up stupid stories and watching stupid TV shows wishing that I was someone else, doing something interesting and of value to society.

And what have I done with my life so far?

Not gotten a new job.

Fucked a guy because I thought I’d be able to stake my way to his heart for good eventually.

Sat in the library and pretended to study but couldn’t because I was too distracted.

Got C’s in classes I shouldn’t have.

Spent way too much money on morning after pills because of my irresponsible sex god knows what.

Helped a guy cheat twice.

Kissed and told.

And fucked everything up royally.

Oh my god I just want to talk to Colin about this but we don’t talk like we used to. It’s so weird. Sometimes he’ll look at me and smile and it’s beautiful and sometimes he’ll be such a dick and so mean to me and god. Like in the theater the other day, I saw on the screen that Sylvester McCoy, the guy who played the 7^th Doctor, was in The Hobbit, so I hung around to look at the credits, and Colin was like, “no one cares, doctor who is a shitty show, god” and I was like, dude, calm your tits about it, it’s really nothing worth getting pissed over.

I wonder if he kind of started watching it a while back because he was trying to impress me. And now he’s hating on it because he’s trying to send me a message of how done he is with me.

Ouch.

I wish he’d face me like a man.

He told me that he just wants to be friends. Yeah, that was facing me, and okay, I said I was cool with that and I’ve respected it. I haven’t begged for him back or anything drastic like that yet. I’ve obviously made no moves on him. I’ve been nothing but straightforward. I get it, Colin. I get it. And you know that. Just who is he trying to convince?

I keep pretending all the time. Even my mother calls me a liar. Who am i trying to convince. 

I wish I could tell someone about this. And ask for advice. Or just reassurance that I’m not crazy. I don’t know. I just want someone to get me and where I’m coming from. I don’t want anyone to tell me how Colin is not the guy for me and I should move on and I deserve better because honestly I don’t give a shit and I don’t want to hear about your idea of what a good relationship for me is because oh, that’s right, it’s my damn relationship. Actually, I don’t want anyone’s advice because all they’re gonna tell me is to move on. I’m tired of hearing that. It doesn’t fucking work.

I feel like 12/21/2012 was oddly symbolic. This is like. All my missed opportunities and passing overs and uncertainties and lies and loose ends and possibilities and what ifs all tied up and symbolized by one day. I knew the world wasn't really going to end, but still, it's kind of fun to pretend and what-if. It’s a lot easier to worry about the end of the world and have some crazy unexplained thing just off it for the entire planet than have to worry about all the stupid petty things and tiny personal demons that we have to face for ourselves in the rest of our lives.