on colin.

Okay. I'm going to tell you what happened with Colin. This is the whole, unabridged, TMI version of the story and I'm cutting the crap. If you want to read the whole, by all means, go ahead. :) If not, I won't be offended. Here goes.

Everything up until college is this (most of this is probably already on this blog somewhere):

  • I met him in middle school. My best friend in eighth grade was in gym class with him and told me what a big crush she had on him. We didn't know his name, so we called him Fat Boy when we gossiped about him because he was so thin and we thought that was hilarious. Eventually, the two of them started dating. At the end of the year, he invited her and two of her closest girl friends (me and another friend, so she wouldn't be the only girl), over to his house for a pre-dance party. The eighth grade dance at the end of the year was this big thing.
  • My friend started treating him kind of badly around this time, and oddly enough, I saw that she was being a real bitch and secretly sided with him. I never said or did anything, though.
  • I'm not really sure how it happened, but over that summer, Colin and I became good friends. I don't talk to my eighth grade best friend anymore. Nothing happened, we just drifted apart.
  • Freshman year, around winter break, he sort of indirectly asked me out. I was shocked that anyone would ever feel that way about me, and I wasn't sure if I saw him the same way, so I told him I wasn't really ready for a boyfriend yet, which he accepted. Things were normal.
  • Until he dated one of my band friends and I realized that the weird pit in my gut that I was feeling was jealousy. And that I did like him after all.
  • I dealt with it.
  • And during freshman year, I had my battle with anorexia and depression and he was the only one who saw that. He didn't know what to do but he always tried to reach out to help. I just pushed him away.
  • Things were weird sophomore year. He dated a few other girls and I always got jealous. I was recovering slowly. Then there was this weird period where we'd drifted so far apart we stopped talking. And we contacted each other both at the same time because we realized how weird things were.
  • My friends in high school never really liked him. He was this gangly, gawky kid who laughed too loud and couldn't match his clothes and stuff. Truth was, I was kind of ignoring him because my friends were telling me to. I worked so hard for popularity in high school, to be liked by everyone. I sacrificed Colin because we could be friends outside of school where I didn't have to pretend. I knew we'd always come back to each other. We both knew that, but it was wrong of me to treat him that way. To betray him in front of my friends just to look cool. But the truth was, he was such a better friend to me than any of those girls ever were, and I wish I had seen that back then.
  • Junior year was when he grew up. He filled out and damn he started looking good. And girls started falling all over him. I just kind of hung back. Junior year was quiet when nothing much happened. It was around spring semester that our feelings started creeping back up.Over the summer we were spending tons of time together. 
  • My dad is retired military so whenever we travel, we always get to stay on military bases. It's tradition for us to drive up to Virginia Beach and stay in a cottage there. This year we'd rented two because we were expecting our family to come with us, but they bailed. So we invited Colin's family and they came.
  • That was the real tipping point when we realized how hard it was to keep our feelings for each other quiet. But.
  • My vanity struck and I was like, no, I can't date him because I was worried all my friends I'd worked so hard to make would kick me out. Also, it would be weird for all our friends and stuff. There were a hundred reasons. We needed to buy some time to sort things out more, because we thought that if we ever dated, it would be serious. So we agreed that we'd push our feelings under the rug for just one more year and date later, in college.
  • That was when Kelsey came into the picture.
  • He asked me if it was okay if he dated her.
  • Wanting to be a good friend and stuff, and since we had an open relationship thing that wasn't even a relationship anyway, I said that of course I had no problem with them dating. 
  • So they dated, and it was brutal, and I was horribly jealous, and the problem was, he really did like her. We talked over New Years and we agreed that maybe we shouldn't have this college agreement tying us together. He was more serious about Kelsey than he thought he'd be; liked her more than he intended. Plus, he felt like he was leading me on which was just hurting unnecessarily.
  • For a little while, I was okay with that. It still hurt. I say I got over him, but I don't think I ever really did.
  • Then in June, we had a weird text conversation where he was telling me that things were getting weird with Kelsey. And that there was always this girl in the back of his head.
  • Turns out that girl was me and we reintroduced the idea of dating in college. (I'm ecstatic about this, btw.) He said what sparked all this was this one time just the two of us were hanging out and decided to go to the creek behind his house to just wade in the water like 8-year-olds, left our phones inside, and ended up talking in a tree house for five hours straight, losing track of time and scaring the shit out of his mom and girlfriend when he didn't pick up the phone. That, he said, was when he realized again why he'd always liked me. 
  • He and his girlfriend talk and decide to "take a break" (whatever that really meant) and re-evaluate before Colin left for school. His reasons were that he wanted to focus on his studies and adjust to school life and let's be real- girls everywhere. She said she was cool with that, and plus they were on the rocks anyway so they needed some space. 
  • And then we started a friends-with-benefits kind of deal. He's the first guy I've ever kissed. He's the first guy who's ever fingered me. He's got the first dick I ever touched. But nothing too serious happened over the summer.
  • Somehow, my mom found out about us being friends-with-benefits because I failed to cover my tracks once (I don't want to lengthen this anymore with another side story haha). She didn't approve because she saw what we were doing as Colin cheating on Kelsey. To shut her up I lied and said we were done and putting it in the past and it was gross and like kissing my brother and I just wanted to kiss someone before going to college. She bought it. She respected that I wanted this to be a secret and didn't tell anyone. Still, though, I think she doubts me. she's right, of course, but whatever.
And now. College. 

Chapter 1: Kelsey.
  • When we moved in, everything was cool. He was rooming with his best friend Luke. I did random assignment, and I can't remember if I told you what a CF that was. haha. 
  • He'd officially broken up with Kelsey, which was pretty messy. In his head, they were done when he and I started messing around, when he and her had decided to "take a break," but she never accepted it until he had to say we-are-done to her. I felt guilty because I felt like I'd gotten between them, but he insisted that their falling out was their own doing and it wasn't my fault. 
Chapter 2: Carolyn.
  • We're in college. We had plenty of time and space to sneak off and make out and stuff. 
  • All in all, everything was pretty good.
  • Except for the fact that we were moving really fast. I was a shy girl who'd never done anything with a guy before and he was like a restless horse that'd been kept in a stall for too long- he wanted to gogogogogo. I did feel a little pressured to have sex. 
  • I had him, though. He respected that and didn't push me. The pressure was all in my head, really. 
Chapter 3: Jen.
  • Some nights he'd go missing. He and Luke were in marching band. I didn't make it. I'd text him and Luke if they wanted to hit the dining hall for food, and sometimes they'd be playing basketball with their new-found band friends. After a while, Luke would be back before Colin was. 
  • I ask him what's up, and he tells me he's playing basketball with some guys and a girl from band. In my head, I noted that he added specifically that there was a girl. I noted it because lots of times, I look back in my journal and see little signs I should have picked up on before. Little signs that tell me what's about to happen. This was one of them. that girl was Jen.
  • Jen was a trombone player. She was one of the quieter, more reserved types. Colin, being mister knight-in-shining-armor, sought to be a good friend and reach out to her. (kind of like he did to me once, in high school, i guess.) When Colin brought her to dinner with me and Luke, she never said much, and to me- although I'm telling this as seen through bitter, jealous eyes- she seemed standoffish and almost rude. When she did talk, she had kind of a country accent. I don't know.
  • Apparently one night she was just hanging out with Colin in his dorm and they were watching a movie and she ended up on his lap. He didn't fight it, he said. And she just ended up staying the night, sleeping in his bed. Nothing happened. Luke was there, too. it's funny because that night, my roommate was out so I told him he could come over. I'd mustered up my courage to do whatever he wanted because I had this gut feeling I was losing him- I'd done my hair in curls and wore a nice dress and everything, but he never came because Jen stayed way later than he thought she would. Basically, he stood me up. 
  • I didn't take that very well, haha. but i dealt with it.
  • One night, the four of us (me, him, Luke, and Jen) were playing Call of Duty, and we took a break. Luke was messing on the computer, Jen was absorbed in her phone, and Kelsey, Colin's ex, started texting me crap about how much she missed Colin. I asked Colin what the heck I should say to her, and let him read through some texts. When Colin's upset or mad about something, he goes for a long run. After reading my phone, he got up, left the room, ran down the steps, and didn't stop. I ran after him until I lost him. It was like neither Luke or Jen noticed. He didn't come back after an hour so we looked for him. I ran around the whole campus. He didn't pick up his phone. Eventually Jen texted me saying "he found me" as if he went to her, who he'd known for a week, over two of his best friends. that sucked royally. 
  • Colin and I talked about it. He told me how bad he felt for how things went with Kelsey. He told me that he couldn't help liking Jen. Apparently they could talk for hours too. He told me he still liked me too, but that was much smaller, like an afterthought. I was okay with it. I understand that no one can control how they feel about someone else. We were talking about this when Luke was at his dad's house for the night. I ended up staying over because it was raining and late. And. We actually ended up having sex. It was kind of like our way of saying goodbye. I don't want to call it break-up sex, because there was nothing to break-up from, but that was basically it. It was the first time for both of us. It was horrible. We acknowledged it and laughed it off, and what's funny and possibly a little weird, is that it actually brought us closer as friends. 
  • The start of that relationship was pretty blurry, but one day, they were eventually referred to as boyfriend/girlfriend.
  • Somehow in the middle of it Colin and I ended up having sex again, because a) Luke was out B) it was really late and c) it was conveniently pouring again. He said that Jen would be cool with it. But when you're really hot, you're really not thinking about that kind of thing. We knew it was wrong but it felt so right we did it anyway. 
  • Not long after that, Colin and Jen broke up. It was really clean. He said it was just because he thought they made better friends. He told me that he'd had sex with her too. But it was nothing serious. It was probably his cleanest break up ever. They're still friends and they still hang out. As far as I know, it's completely platonic. I think they're good.
Chapter 4: Carolyn, Part II. 
  • Then things between us were cool. When you're Colin's number one, he texts you stupid things like good morning :) or just because he wants to say hi. He treats you to everything. He does dumb romantic shit like offering his arm while walking you home or scooping you up in hugs and kissing you on the neck. That was nice.
  • I felt awesome. You know in Scott Pilgrim, how he has to defeat the seven evil exes? That's always how I feel with him and his girlfriends. It's like I'm beating the exes, but as they're happening. I'd beaten Katie, that friend I told you he dated who I got jealous of (it felt like a competition), Kelsey, and now Jen. I felt like the invincible girl, the one, the one who'd always win in the end.
  • We had more sex. 
  • It was good.
  • Then he got kind of distant.
  • and then he told me he was considering getting back with Kelsey.
Chapter 5: Kelsey, Part II.
  • Colin gets weird when he's hiding things from you. You can't put your finger on it until it's too late. 
  • It was Halloween when Kelsey was texting me. I never explained Kelsey. She's an interesting character. It's funny because she'd text me for help and ask me what's going on with Colin. When they first broke up, she would confide in me how hurt she was and ask what she should do to get over him. I confessed to her (don't remember when) that I used to like him. She knows that he almost dated me before he started dating her. She always was jealous of me, because she said that Colin used to always light up at the mention of my name, and she was jealous that he and I could just talk for hours. I felt really guilty about that, and I know what losing Colin feels like, so I tried to help her. 
  • Anyway, she ended up waving the fact that she and Colin had gotten back together in my face. She asked me not to say anything because he wanted to keep it on the DL.
  • I acted like I was all happy for her. My advice to her was to give him space, because Colin always comes back, I said cryptically. I meant as a friend. But she got him back, like got him back-got him back. Sigh.
  • I had been in the library studying, but eventually, the fact that I'd heard this from her and not him kind of got too much to hold in so I just walked home. It was cold and I was wearing a blanket and had my music in. I didn't think I'd see anyone because it was late and I thought they'd all be out partying. I lost it and was crying like a 9-year-old when I passed a pack of dudes dressed like Slenderman. I ignored them. Someone grabbed me from behind by my shoulders. I assumed it was one of those guys just pulling a Halloween prank. I was going to turn around and be like, "yeah happy fucking halloween" or something bitter like that, but I had to look up because he was so tall. It was COLIN. The LAST possible person I wanted to see. He saw that I was crying like an idiot and he grabbed me in a huge hug and asked me what was wrong. I wouldn't tell him, but eventually he wheedled it out of me. We stood talking in a field for a little, actually, mostly, he held me while i just cried into his chest about him. Then we decided to go find the slendermans (slendermen?) and enjoy Halloween, and I put my big girl pants on and dealt with it. After everyone had gone home, we sat up on a parking deck and he apologized for not telling me. He said he thought that if he didn't dump all this on me, it would hurt me less. I get it. It was his misguided little way of trying to protect me. I was just hurt that he was acting like he didn't trust me. 
  • So all that happened.
  • Then one day, about a month later, he told me he thought he was going to break up with Kelsey because it didn't feel right.
  • After that, I thought we were gonna get back together again, for something.
  • But then, we signed the lease on an apartment next year with our parents' blessings. We'd been planning this for a long time with Luke, except he wants to be an RA so now he's out. And Colin and I, secretly, had joked together about how easy it would be to have sex. lol. But now there's no way we can have a public relationship, which I'm not so sure our friends/family are ready for anyway- they're so used to the idea of us being completely platonic friends, except my mom, who's hung up on the idea that he's a cheater. 
Chapter 6: Rebecca.
  • I learned about this one, again, from Kelsey. She texted me frantically, saying that she was texting him and he sent her the wrong text. The text said that he was "crazy about you" and she knew it couldn't have been her because he just dumped her. So she went apeshit.
  • I ignored it for a while. I'm trying to learn to keep my nose out of things that don't concern me. 
  • About a week later, Colin drunk texted me and asked me not to tell Rebecca about that. I said don't worry, because I don't know who she is.
  • Interruption: After meditating, I realize I do. Two years ago, at the beach, I was actually trying to convince Colin to date other girls during senior year. He said Kelsey, one girl he was interested in, was a lost cause, and so was this other girl, Rebecca. He said he knew he and Rebecca could have worked but he wasn't religious enough for her. I should have known it was her when he got on a mysterious Jesus-streak about a week before the drunk text incident. 
  • Anyway, I said I didn't know who she was, and he texted back all mysteriously that I will, not yet but soon.
  • Great.
  • He texts her like 24/7.
  • I don't want to talk about it. It just makes me mad.
  • It pisses me off that this girl could apparently come out of nowhere. After me not hearing about her for two years, suddenly he's all over her! Jen, it makes sense, he just wanted all the pussy he could get. But this girl is super Christian so he probably isn't getting anything (plus she doesn't want him to get this tattoo he really wants, doesn't want him to curse (he swears like a sailor regularly), doesn't want him to drink, etc so what the fuck), she's someone he met in high school brass band- she is a year behind us, still in high school, and four towns away. Oh, and she's into marine biology, just like me. It scares me that he really likes her. That she's the girl who's gonna win in the end. That in a cruel plot twist, I'm one of the evil exes that has to be defeated. 
And that's as far as it is. 
Colin and I are still good friends. 
It's weird, though, because I feel like something's missing. And I think it's him. He's always tied to his phone, texting rebecca all the time. sometimes he doesn't look you in the eye. Even my parents noticed that. My dad joked, "it's probably guilt because he's so guilty about fucking my daughter." He has no idea and he was joking, but boy, was that an awkward one to laugh off. phew.

I know this paints Colin to probably look like some inconsiderate, selfish dickhead, but he's really not like that. He's not. He's just... not mature yet. He doesn't understand self control, but he's learning. 

Example: This is embarrassing, but I've kind of had this fantasy of having wild sex on the end of the world, 12/21. Which was yesterday. It didn't happen. But since Colin was single, I joked with him about being DTF a week ago. He implied that he was too, but he's learning his lesson and told me he thinks he should stick to one girl at a time since he's trying to date Rebecca right now. I told him I'm definitely cool with that and he earned a ton of respect from me with that self control he's finally learning.

Anyway, the other thing about him is that he doesn't want to hurt people but he doesn't understand how other people think. He thinks that what people don't know won't hurt them. He thinks that if you run off, and leave a problem alone for a while, it'll sort itself out. He thinks that if you ignore an issue and don't talk about it, then you don't make it a reality, and therefore it's not. He thinks that time heals everything all by itself. 

He knows I still like him, and he's being sensitive and gentle to that.
still, though, it's weird.

And i'll be ending this monster of a post here. 

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Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)