on religion.

The way I see it, God is an all-powerful being who does not need humans. It does not affect God if you praise him or not (praise is what you give a dog or small child). God doesn’t need humans to drive to special buildings and sing about how great he is.

Also, God doesn’t need my shit. God has enough shit to worry about and enough to solve about this fucked-up world. Why should I expect God to fix something for me? The last thing an all-powerful immortal being needs is some stupid chick who can’t solve her own problems.

I hate it when people say they’re praying for someone who’s going through a tough time. Why don’t YOU help them? Don’t push it on some immortal, invisible dude who we’re not even sure exists or not.

Colin says his favorite poem is about God carrying you or whatever and honestly I think that’s a little ridiculous. It’s YOU carrying you. You’re the one who chose to get yourself out of this. If it’s by deluding yourself into thinking an invisible man took time out of his busy day and carried you (while he has millions of other people hoping he’ll carry them too)… how could any one of us be that special and important? I’m certainly not. I’m certainly not worth his time. I was designed to carry myself. If you want to honor God, make his life easier and pull your own damn weight and don’t make him spoon-feed you. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

It should YOU helping other people. It’s not God’s fault. Don’t make it his responsibility to fix you. And we only go to religion when we want something. Courage. Strength. Forgiveness. Something material. Whatever. And the occasional giving thanks, too. Somebody once told me there are only two real types of prayers- please and thank you. Is that all life is? Give me, give me, and then thanks a heap and then bye until I have to ask for more stuff? It’s like oooh look I have a religion; God is on my side. Well, I don’t believe we’re entitled to anything. We’ve got to use our God-given brains and hearts and social skills and make our own way.

I just told Colin that I have blind faith in lots of stupid things so God should be no different, I guess. I do. I obviously believe in God. I just don’t want to ask him for anything. I don’t want to trust him to be let down again. Or left behind. Honestly, why the hell would God help me with my problems which are insignificant anyway and what the hell can he do.

Another thing I don’t get is that he’s looking to GOD for forgiveness. Colin. You offended PEOPLE. You should be apologizing to people and asking them for forgiveness. You didn’t wrong God. You wronged humans. God’s forgiveness won’t give you anything but peace of mind without fixing the problem.But then… God is not human, he probably doesn’t have a time schedule that he can’t infinitely expand, and he’s probably not restricted to one place at one time like we are. And I’m holding him to human standards right now, which is unfair. Still though. The golden rule is treat others as you’d like to be treated.

Maybe I’m just saying all of this is because I’m tired of wishing.

I’ve realized that if you want things to happen, you should work hard.

And right now is one of those times when I’m tired of working hard,

So I just feel really hopeless.

Anyway, I started a new story about ghosts and demons and stuff and figured I’d read the bible tolook up Christian demonology. But then I thought, no, the real reason I should read this is because I only go to church twice a year, and if I’ve been struggling with religion for so long, I might as well just read the damn thing and get my facts straight. I told Colin that I’m gonna read it cover to cover. He said don’t because it’d be crazy hard. I told him I love proving people wrong. Whatever. Anyway, I hate arguing with religion. And religious people. Okay, god exists, yeah, sure, but there’s no reason he’d give a shit about me. Other people have it way worse. They deserve his attention. My mother always told me that God helps people who help themselves. Well, I don’t, really. I’m a hopeless case, anyway. I wouldn’t dare ask him for help, especially with how not devoted I am and everything. I figured Colin would have something to say about this since he’s on this Jesus streak or whatever, but he didn’t.

Also. Something that’s kind of eating me up is when I was driving home about a week ago, I saw this one-legged guy in a wheelchair trying to inch himself up a hill. I wanted to help him. But there was nowhere I could effectively park. And my mother would yell at me for getting out of the car to help some sketchy stranger. I mean but he was an old guy with one leg! Come on. I beat myself up about it for several miles. The rosary I’d hung on my mirror so I wouldn’t forget it at school was swinging in my face. And the church bells were blaring as I drove past. It’s like fucking Jesus Christ himself wanted me to turn around and help that man. But I don’t know why. I couldn’t. I shut him out. I pulled the rosary off the mirror and put it on the seat. See, this is why I can’t be a Christian. I can’t even answer Jesus when he calls me. Why should he answer me when I call then. Why should he care about me. I don’t even deserve it.