okay, maybe i complain too much.

I deleted the last post, because I was really mad and posted it from my iPod and it was all just angst with no literary value whatsoever (unlike the rest of this extraordinary masterpiece of a blog).

Life isn't as bad as I make it sound; I'm actually quite well off and need to think about how lucky I am.

Even though sometimes that doesn't make me feel any better. Just guilty. Cause, it's like, I should be happy, but I'm not. What a brat I am.
Yeahhhh bout that.

While I'm here, I figure I'll post this little gem i found that describes my life.

talk to her, she's a girl.
the reason she doesn't talk first is
because she has this vision of a boy who
will go out of his way for her.

Oh well. C'est la vie.
(listening to) Ellie Goulding, Florrie
(recently bought) Matryoshka doll necklace
(mood) Pensive, Wistful
(only feels like) Drawing, writing


so about that guy from that post.

I don't know if anyone cares about this, but I'll do a mega post because I want to let this out too and I can't tell anyone else. There are some kind of squeeworthy moments, which are a bit of a novelty for me. Enjoy if you're bored!

So once we both get home from the beach, this same guy texts me. He says, "Hey, how did you get out of telling us who you like at the beach?" He bugged my sister, who's texting her crush I told you about a few texts ago, and she bugged him, and I sat there like, sighhh. god. I ultimately explain to him,

- ok so brace yourself for awkwardness. And possibly a multipage text lol. Ready?
    So remember how I said dating is for marriage? Well I didn’t mean it but kinda did. I know this is unreasonable cause im so young but id only get into a serious relationship with someone id consider marrying. There aren’t many people out there who are deserving of that currently. So heres where the definition of “like” gets fuzzy. For example, you, I know so well id be ok if you were the last man on earth and I had to marry you, however I don’t have a “crush” on you. *$%(&^ on the other hand I may crush on, but he doesn’t quite fit my bill. Make sense kinda? ;/

He's like, yeah, I guess. Then I ask him about his girl, Rebecca. He says it's not going to work with her. So I say, "well, I'll just say what you always tell me, the right one is out there somewhere." And he said, "and she might be right in front of me." so i pester him about what he means. I'm actually being quite dumb. He says it's not going to work with her, because she's said she doesn't like him... Here, have the text conversation.

-yep. And btw she doesn’t like me anyway.
- aw. So negative.
- she told me
-oh. That’s rough, im sorry. She wasn’t mean about it was she?
- nope she didn’t even know what she was saying indirectly
- so you didn’t tell her? Maybe you should to clarify things. Its quite possible she didn’t realize, especially if shes as dumb as me lol.
- you know i'm not going to tell you until i tell her.
- buttt you never know. She might change her mind if shes smart :D
- I don’t think she will she’s pretty set in her ways.
- why don’t you tell her how YOU feel. Maybe that’ll loosen her up, huh? people changeeee.
- would u?
- you mean will I change? I hope so!
- would you change? Not will, would.
- of course I would.
- if someone told u they liked you, you would change?
- I would try my best!
- well you’re one in a million then.
- so there are seven thousand exactly like me? xp
- that's not what i meant, but nice math.
- i know what you meant. and thanks :] i think you're one in a million tooooo
- seven thousand just like me?
- give or take.

Then I had to run some errands. Great timing right.

Me – ok so I was driving home and started thinking, maybe this, we should wait until after high school. What do you think?
Him – I was thinking that too... you guessed?
- nah, I just... this might sound corny, but hs dating is just practice and I think maybe we might be more serious than that. And the type of dating we see is like... insulting to that. Wdyt?
- =) didn’t I say hs was practice and you yelled at me?
- yeahhhhhhh that’s why I think we should wait.
- I can wait.... can you?
- ive waited for what feels like forever. Want to know why I really turned you down freshman year? This is why.
- to wait for college?
-sort of. Dating at 14 and 15 is kind of a joke too lol. Holding hands all the time and kissing in front of other people just because they can. If you really love somebody, I think its different. You know?
- yeah ik what youre saying. Haha. Don’t wanna be like luke and jasmine
- exactly. I don’t doubt that they are enamored with each other but... its just not classy.
- haha yea
- so what were your reasons? The same? Lol
- and your dad likes me and I don’t want him to hate me for taking his princess =) and yeah the same and weve been friends through hs and it would shock everyone haha!
-hahaha you’ve got that right. Yeah lets not tell our parents. Your mom and my dad might have mini bitchfits.
- now what I wanna know is how you guessed.
- how I guessed what?
- that I was talking about you.
- want to feel like a Disney movie? because my heart told meeee:) and, you were being a little too elusive.
- so if im elusive, its you? =)
- not necessarily. Xp. But that makes me wonder, what about Rebecca? Or kelsey? This can be like, open if you want. Don’t feel restricted now.
- Rebecca is a lost cause. So is kelsey.
- are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like, sworn to... idk chastity from gfs.
- haha don’t worry im not getting any more till college =)
- heehee! but seriously. Im thinking this is like a fair game thing.

Lalala we establish it as open season. And I said deciding where to go to college is much easier and much less scary now. Look at how much I poked and prodded at him, hahaha! I totally knew right when he started putting smiley faces in when I asked who she is and that he said she didn’t like him back. (it was a lie on my part.) Hmmm. I can read you like a book sir.
And that’s that. We’re not telling anyone... and we’re waiting until the end of senior year. To think that this morning, I almost cried because I thought I fucked everything up. Ha.

I kind of can’t wait for college now.
The funny thing is, I’m not as excited as I thought. But this might be because he’s already like, married to me in my head. That sounds really stupid, but honestly. I could marry him and have minimal qualms. Fo shizzle. Is that weird? I already feel like we are married and I’m stuck in the past when my future self is laughing at me for having been so shy about this. And making all the wrong moves. It’s like my future self is looking back, watching me, coaxing me on, and trying not to laugh at me as I stumble through all of my first times. But at the same time, letting me know I’m on the right track and things are falling into place.


i don't really know how to explain this post but i kind of have to let something out.


i'm sorry to say this, but i don't want to date you until after high school. because honestly, i could see us getting married one day and i don't want high school haters to spoil us.

still... today, we snuggled up on the couch to watch LOTR, and even though my sister and your brother were there and joining our snuggle party it was the most natural thing ever. you're my best friend, i've known you for years, and there isn't anyone i'd rather spend a week at the beach with. and i put my head on your shoulder and you put your head on mine, and i could feel your heart beat like this was a part of some sappy love song.

a few things, sir.
one. is there any way for me to tell you how i feel before my heart explodes.
two. why do i not tell you.
three. do you really like that other girl or are you just saying that. because if you asked me who i liked for unknown reasons id just make shit up... and idk but you'd probably do the same.
four. ilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyilyily. <3


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)