He found this other chick he likes. Jennifer. It's a long story, but we agreed that maybe we should stop doing what we're doing. We texted about it, then we talked the next day. He said a lot of nice things, actually. We just held each other and hugged and cried and talked. And now we're fine. It's funny. Every time we have one of our "break ups" I feel like we're actually closer friends afterward.
He told me I'm amazing and he doesn't deserve someone as great as me. He apologized a hundred and ten times for acting like a scumbag and a dick. The last time we kissed was last Monday. And it's okay.
I don't like this new girl, but I just asked him not to tell me about her. I don't want to know. Of course we'll still be friends. And it's all good.
I told him I'll still be here for him. I left it up to his interpretation. And yeah, it sounds wrong like I'm inviting myself to get used, but I have a Colin shaped hole in my heart. Always have. He said back to that, sheepishly, softly, and almost humbly, "And you know that I'll always come crawling back..."
You know what? This time away from Colin is probably good. It’s not like I never want to take him back. I’ll always love him somehow, and we’ll always be good friends. And although I haven’t found any other guys, I can finally take off the rose-tinted glasses I always saw him through- the ones that let me overlook his faults all the time. Actually, on that little expression, Colin gave me these sunglasses that I tried on to be silly and liked when we were driving up to Virginia together. It turned everything yellow. So now I’m looking through yellow-tinted glasses. Not love glasses. Friendship glasses.
Maybe he’s not the guy for me anyway.
So… I feel like there were loads of feelings I should write down, loads of things to explain.
I really want to tell Kelsey, his ex girlfriend who's been texting me, everything, but I’m afraid it would destroy her. I want to tell her how much I’m in the same boat with her. I really want to help her and make her feel better, because I know how she feels. I know what it's like to lose him. It's funny how things like this turn on their heads- all year, I felt like I was competing with Kelsey. And it's funny because the further he got from her meant the closer he got to me. I think she wants me to help her get him back, but it's not like that'll be easy for me to do. I want to help her. But guiltily, I think of how easy sabotaging her would be so I could get closer. I could if I wanted to. but I don't. I'm remaining neutral, for once.
I watch him decide he wants to grow apart from her and move on. She’s just baggage to him now. I feel terrible. I’m watching this happen, but there’s nothing I can do. I don’t want to say anything to him about it. Then, there’s the unspoken worry I haven’t dared think about, but I guess I should do now…
What if I have to follow Kelsey? What if I’m next to get dumped? I mean… he’s dumped me before. And come back. I told Kelsey that Colin comes back. I never told her exactly how, because that would mean telling her that… well, saying he cheated would be a little harsh, but essentially, to her, that’s what it would be.
Then come all the tough questions I don’t want to answer myself.
Like… Will he really come back to me?
I need to get a plan to get him back.
But do I really want that?
What’s so great about him that I want him back for, anyway?
Do I really want him back?
Well, I’ve already done a pros and cons thing about him. But god… I already miss him a little bit. Here comes a word dump. I miss how he’d just grab me close and pull me in for a kiss. He blew raspberries on my stomach. He’d trace his finger on my thigh as I sat in the passenger seat as we drove, windows down, music up. He is the only person so far who’s been able to tickle me on the neck. He’d drag his finger under my leg, slowly, driving me crazy, asking, tickle yet? Tickle yet? And I’d shake my head, trying to contain my giggles. I don’t know if it was cause it tickled or because I was just… you know. Fucking turned on. He’d get a twinkle in his eye when he teased me about something, especially if it was sexy. We would play truth and all of a sudden he’d get super horny and try to pretend he wasn’t… or sometimes, he wouldn’t even pretend at all. The way his eyes get bigger and sparklier when he asks for something… how he bows down when he knows he’s wrong and lets you smack him. When I sat close to him and he got a boner, he’d awkwardly shove at his pants and I’d giggle and pretend not to notice. He blew out his air really slow when I touched him, like he was trying to calm himself down and not scare the shit out of me. He was so gentle. He went my pace. I miss when he used to just text me and all he had to say was “hi.” I miss how he could put his head on my lap and I’d stroke his hair while he slept. I miss when we fell asleep texting each other. I miss putting my head on his chest and feeling his heartbeat. I miss when we were at the pool and he was dripping wet and I was dripping wet and we kissed under the stars, at Luke’s house when anyone could come out at any moment but we didn’t care…
Gah. I bet Kelsey feels pretty similar.
At the same time though… most of the day, I didn't miss him. I felt pretty defiant and confident. Like, I can look. I don’t need him to validate me. I don’t need him as my security blanket, just like he doesn’t need me as his. Or does he? Ugh.
I used to be afraid of the song “Walking Through That Door” by Future Islands. I don’t know why, but it made me think of … I don’t know, my father walking me through somewhere. It felt like… someone walking you through the door to the next life; having a guide that would sometime soon be gone and leave you alone.
It still scares me a bit.
But I can listen to the song now. It’s like the next chapter of my life, which I never pictured happening, is opening up.
My feels are divided again, just like they are with Colin, between missing and not missing my parents. I don’t miss the things like…nagging from my mother, the bitching from my father, etc. But still I can hear them. My mother’s voice echoes in my head when I walk alone at night, that I’m going to get raped. The other day, I heard My Girl, the song that this bear my dad won me from musical chairs at a daddy-daughter dance once played, and I almost called him up to tell him. I can hear my mother’s advice, the rules for sex. I was hanging up my towel just a second ago and I found the unopened box of condoms she packed me. I thought about what me and Colin were gonna use them for. Doing it safely? Check. Not going to regret it later? Check. Right guy? Check??... I also remember her warning me that cheaters cheat again. Cheaters will cheat again. … Ugh.
Why does she gotta be so damn right all the time? She’s always fucking right and it’s annoying. Maybe one day I’ll become a mom so I can be right all the time. You know, that’d be a nice change.
Today my economics teacher started the class by saying that he hopes we all fail at something. Not at class, of course, he said. But he hopes that we try something and fail.
Trust me, I wanted to say back, I’ve had plenty of failures. I think I actually laughed out loud when he said that. Whoops.
He meant business failures, of course.
But whatever. It still cut.
Teachers here, they seem to be different from high school. Definitely. You get a wider range of things.
The environmental science teacher, he said that he hates high school because it teaches you everything in a multiple-choice mindset. It prepares you for life by preparing you for the test. Well, he hollered, because that’s apparently what he does (even his notes are in all caps) LIFE IS NOT MULTIPLE CHOICE. LIFE IS COMPLICATED.
Yeah, it really is.
But I'm learning. He's learning. we're all learning. It's college, and we'll figure it out as we go.
And if he comes back to me, awesome. If not, it's something I'll have to face. But I'm trying not to worry about it. I'm going to open up my heart and let new guys I meet in, if they want. I'm going to tell my self confidence problems to fuck themselves and do whatever the hell I want. Maybe I'll use those three condoms I saw today, hanging in my toiletries bag. The ones that stare at me, call me a little whore, but at the same time jeer at me for never using them. Fuck em. Maybe I'll throw em out.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.