5.27.2012

new phone and all that crap.

I got a new phone because some bitch stole it. Hahahahaha.

Friday was my last day of school. Ever. Until college, that is. So I think I’ll take a moment to reflect.
            
Does college still scare me? Yes. I thought this day was doomsday, the last day of school, I’d be fighting to hold it together, terrified to grow up. But in all reality, high school is not a place for children. It’s a place for wannabe grownups. And actually, I think I grew up a long time ago. Well, not grew up, but matured at least.
           
This year has been really key for me. I learned a lot about myself. I couldn’t explain it to you right here and now, but I understand. I’m a different person from when I started this. I’m a lot … calmer. I know I haven’t seen much, but I feel like I have. I learned about people, how they work.
            
A lot of things have happened, but at the same time, it’s really nothing much at all. My dad says this is the time he remembers when his life started; nothing really mattered before that.
           
That gives me mixed feelings. It’s good partially, because it means the best things are to come, but at the same time, I don’t want to forget everything I’ve learned from being a high schooler.
           
Here’s the kicker.
I like myself.
There. I like who I am. I’m comfortable being myself.
            
Freshman year, I hated myself and I wanted to die, if only cleaning me up didn’t have to be a problem for anyone else.
           
Now, I feel like I have self worth, confidence almost. Well, not quite, because I still don’t feel valuable to be loved enough by guys, but I have a feeling that someday, that’ll come.

So. That’s all that.

I feel like this has all been very anticlimactic. I don’t really like things to go out with a bang. It makes me uncomfortable. And it’s ironic. My whole life seems to be pretty damn ironic.
            
It’s always the opposite of what I plan/expect to happen that happens, but things end up turning out the way I usually want anyway. Like me and Colin. Our whole relationship is essentially a CF, but we’re still strong friends and we’ll look out for each other in college. Maybe we’ll be fuck buddies.
            
And college itself. I used to look forward to it so much, then I dreaded it, and now I’m coming to terms with it. And I used to be so adamant about not going to state, and it was my first choice. Not sure how that happened.
           
And I’m giving Emily all this advice I would have given myself as a freshman, and she said that she feels better and I changed her as a person. I became for her the person I wished I could have been friends with then. I see myself in her. And I believe in her because I see how I've changed in the past four years, and I know she can do it too. It kind of brings things full circle for me.
           
I’m still not sure how all of this happened.
          
And my sister made section leader, and it’s awesome, because now there’s a dynasty. And I’m letting go of front ensemble just fine.
And finally, me and Taylor are going to the same school again- first time since preschool.
And my phone is no longer missing, but not having one was more liberating than anything else and I almost don’t really want a new one. But it’s harder for everyone else if I don’t have one.

So that’s that. I’m cleaning my room right now. And my contacts list. I put up a status on facebook telling people to text me with their numbers, and the people I don't want to talk to anymore, I just don't put them in my contacts. I'm starting over. I'm going to college.

1 comment:

Madeline Webster said...

Stop worrying about who you're going to be, and be it. :)

Hello!

Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)