Blog friends, I need help.

All right. It's time I told you what's going on. (This is a really long post, but it would mean so much if you could read it and stuff <3)

It's Colin, of course.
Yesterday I was so happy and things were going so well but here I go doubting things. This ALWAYS happens.

So you all know our story. We almost dated before. It's a long story, but what ended up happening was I didn't want to date him in high school (together, we agreed we'd date in college) because I have confidence issues so I told him to friendzone me for this other chick. He did, and then I angsted about it for many a post. After that, I learned he was quite into his girlfriend and I just kind of have been chilling in the background, trying to get over him. On monday, he asked me if I had a second to talk.

Here's the abridged texting conversation: He's not so sure that he's as in love as he thought before with his girlfriend, that they're fighting more, and their relationship is slipping. He admitted to me that he thought they would be over sooner than this and he was kind of waiting for her to get bored of him but then his feels got in the way. Now though they fight. And he confessed that I've always been in the back of his head the whole time, he liked me for all of high school a little even through all the other girls he's dated and he's always wondered what kind of couple we'd make. [all the worrying I did! Didn't even matter :) ] He said that he and his girlfriend have gone pretty far, right up to it but never actually having sex. She wants to back down on the messing around that they do. And he thinks with his penis a lot and was a little disappointed but respected it. And then she got mad at him for some reason after that.

So I said on Wednesday we should have lunch and talk about this and he agreed. We ended up packing a picnic lunch and going to a river. We hiked down the river (it was very quiet and the only people we saw for several hours were two guys kayaking down the river who didn't notice us) and we climbed up this cliff thing and sat on a giant rock over the river.

I admitted to him that I've also had feelings for him. On and off through high school, but I always got jealous when he had a girlfriend.
And I tried again to explain why I always turned him down. That I was scared kind of. And I was wanting to date other people first, because statistically speaking most people never get a serious relationship with their first boyfriend and I always thought he and i were more than that.
It's funny because we never like each other at the same time and when we do, there's nothing any of us can do about it haha (I have confidence issues, he has a girlfriend, he has confidence issues, it's easier for the sake of drama to be friends, i like some other guy, etc.)
We agreed that we'd probably be the funniest romantic comedy ever and if we wrote a book, it would be a best seller for an original, twisted romance story.

It gets weirder.

We agreed on maybe having a friends-with-benefits relationship in college. After that, he kind of jumped right in and put his arm around me. I didn't argue of course. this was just like old times, before he was dating Kelsey. I missed the attention. Besides, it was just friendly. But then we got real close. We kept talking. We can talk about everything. He told me Kelsey is jealous of that. How much the two of us can talk but how he and her usually have nothing to talk about and just make out. And he said she's jealous of how his face lights up at the mention of me. And she thinks he doesn't at her name. *blushblush*

And then there's this. He kissed me on the cheek. Once on the shoulder, twice on the cheek the entire time. It's pretty obvious he wanted to kiss but he's patient and wants to go my pace. I honestly need him to just grab me and do it. Just like all the other times before, i turned my head and looked away blushing and grinning. I was too scared to kiss him. I've never kissed anyone and he knows that and it's kind of awkward because.. yeah.

Soon it was time for us to go because I had to work. and that was that.
I was so happy at work and it was amazing and I had so much hope for the future and stuff. Hooray! And we were like... this is between us, no one has to know, and besides, we're just going to have an open, loose, non-committed, friendly but beneficial relationship in college and right now we're just gonna let what happens happen.

Then later that night I started to think more about how I would feel were I in Kelsey's shoes. That's another reason I couldn't kiss him. Because if I were her, and my boyfriend who is nice, good looking, and all that, was into some other chick he'd known before me that I was already suspicious and jealous of, I'd feel so crushed and probably I'd be out of confidence for months.
I told him this. I asked him how he'd want things to go were it a perfect world, since he says he really likes both of us and doesn't know what to do.
And I told him, nicely, that usually guys get into this kind of relationships for the physical aspects.

He texted me back the next morning saying that in a perfect world, he'd have the balls and sensibility to break up with his girlfriend but remain friends, and that me and him could have an informal relationship type thing in college where we're still friends but do what we want. And he said that he isn't into me for the sex; he enjoys my company and friendship and stuff. (Note he said nothing else about kelsey.)

Then my friend Kaelin and I went on a walk this morning. She helped me text him. She has so much more balls than i do; she's so smart and I don't know what I'd do without her. She thinks that I definitely shouldn't mess around with him while he's dating Kelsey because it's not fair to either of us. I agree with her. So with her help I told Colin that he needs to choose between us, since if I were Kelsey I'd be crushed to know he's doing this.
I added that as much as I want to be with him too, I don't feel comfortable going any further than cozy friends because I'd feel guilty cheating on Kelsey. It's funny that I seem to care more for his girlfriend's feelings than he does. That bothers me a little bit.

Then in that same conversation he said that he thinks he and Kelsey are gonna take a break. He seemed upset and texted really vaguely.
I went to work today and it's okay.
And now we're texting again late at night and sorting things out more.

I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.
I literally don't care what he does with me; it's Kelsey I'm worried about. I mean I like the extra attention a lot, but I just think about how I'd feel if I were her.
Even if he does end it with her, I think that if I let him take the wheel (which I do. because I'm one of them shy girls.) we might go pretty fast. I'm okay with that. I don't mean to sound like a whore but we're so close it's like we've already been dating and I've been waiting for this for a while. It's about damn time. but idk.

and i don't want a relationship with him still for reasons unknown.
Sometimes I think I have him completely figured out and he does something crazy, like this.
Please help.
This is uncharted water for me and I'm stuck.

EDIT 6/22: He just talked to her today and they agreed on taking a "break" for a semester... I'll tell you what that means once I figure it out.


Ceruleansky said...

Hi! I'm no expert in this but just my two cents here :) : I think you should give him a break as well. Give him some time alone to sort out his feelings and thoughts on what he is going to do. He knows you like him, and he likes you. But I think continuing anything while he is in a relationship with another person and has not completely broken up with her (not just taking a "break for a semester") is still cheating. I like how you think of his girlfriend's feelings. Kudos for doing that!

Madeline Webster said...

He could have had you and he knew that. He wants comfort right now. Don't let yourself be used, hon.


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)