A letter I'm quite seriously considering sending.

So basically… the real reason why I said we should wait to date is because I’m afraid. I told you so many lies because I wanted to cover up how serious I really felt. About you. And I’d say we could date right now. Only… okay, honestly, girls break up all the time. Everyone breaks up with their first boyfriend. No one marries their high school sweetheart. It’s stupid. I know; I’m being super dramatic right now. But… I said we should wait because I wanted the chance to… have another first boyfriend. I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to become a fabled “ex.” The reason I like drum line guys so much is because they’re so simple and there’s nothing to lose with them. All they care about is drums, sex, and drugs. So breaking up with one of them, it wouldn’t hurt. I just wanted something fun to practice with, and just waste a few relationships that weren’t even serious… On the flip side, I felt terrible even thinking that so I was always afraid to reach out to someone with the intention of just wasting their hearts. And I didn’t want to throw you away while I struggled with all that. I didn’t want you to be the one I make all my stupid mistakes on, although that’s kind of happening anyway. All the soul searching I did was for you, because things weren’t happening the way I planned and I didn’t have anything fake. So I clung to the only thing that was real to me. You. I’m sorry I bugged you and Kelsey so much. I always got jealous when you dated other girls. Even Katie, freshman year. I just didn’t want to lose you. I know it’s selfish of me, to cling to this vision of the future. I just couldn’t bear to waste you. I don’t want to let you go. Not now, not ever. But that's why I always put you off, and always said no, and always sent you all of those mixed signals. And I’m sorry for playing all these games with you. I'm just always afraid of the stupidest things. And I’m sorry for hurting you. And I totally understand if you want to leave me and my twisted philosophy behind. But I just thought you should know the truth behind all of my meaningless mystery and whatever. And there you have it.


The Conductor said...

Don't send it.

Cypress said...

Thanks - I am veryyyy glad you said that :o

The Conductor said...

No problem. I'll also say, here's something I learned in college:

You have a reputation in high school. It's a good one. People don't see you as being easy. Horn dog boys won't want to date you because you haven't given that impression. I never understood why horn dogs didn't like me in high school: that's why. Because college is a whole new ball game--you have no repuation with anyone--it's too many people for anyone to remember. So... you'll get plenty of opportunity next year. It's your decision how you want to handle that.


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)