things, part 1.

Okay. So I'm going to continue my soul searching with a couple of lists. I like lists. Lists I can do.

But anyway...

Things that are tough (for me).

1. Talking about myself. And really telling the truth. I just hate to put myself out there. I desperately, desperatly want people to like me. I secretly crave attention. I don't think people realize that. I actually think strangers I've never met might know me better just from reading this blog than the majority of my closest friends. It's hard for me to say what I mean. By speaking your mind, sometimes you offend people. Being afraid of this, I usually just shut my mouth and lie.

2. Saying no. I cannot say no to anyone who asks me for a favor. My mother tells me this is my biggest flaw. She always says, "you can't work to please everyone unless you take care of yourself first." But I don't like taking care of myself. I've got it pressed into my head that I don't matter as much as everyone else does. And so, everyone else goes first. It was probably from that one time in CCD when I was eleven, when the teacher lady told us what JOY stands for - Jesus first, others second, yourself last. As an eleven-year-old that rocked my proverbial boat a bit, and so I turned everything around in that order. Haha. Who ever thought being a Catholic could be emotionally or socially scarring. jk.

3. Saying yes. I don't know what I want. I don't want to press my desires on other people. So I usually just go with it. That was why Colin probably left. Because while I never said no, I realize I never really gave him the yes he was looking for. I guess this in conjunction with #1. I never told him what I really felt.

4. Calling people and asking for stuff. I hate, hate, hate calling businesses and stuff. My mom says I should call back my boss-who-might-not-be-my-boss because he was supposed to send me a work schedule, then never did, but I'm terrified to. I always sound sooo dumb on the phone.

5. Letting stuff go. It's hard for me to let stuff go. I don't mean that as in I hold grudges. In fact I always let things go in confrontational situations. I just mean it's hard for me to move on sometimes. I had a really tough time letting go of my family for six weeks at governor's school. When I was a little kid I had a super tough time letting go of pacifiers. When I was seven, I went to sleepaway camp and for the first time I had to give up my blankie. It was awful. 0.o

6. Confrontations. I guess this ties in with #1, or possibly 2 or 3. I hate stepping on people's toes and making a splash. I don't like to tell others they're wrong. I don't like to hurt other people's feelings. And I don't want to embarrass anyone, or make a scene, so usually I just don't say anything and let it slide. It's my way of trying to be laid back and cool, but sometimes it backfires.

7. Math. I'm a dreamer. There is nothing mathematical, logical, or scientific about me. And it's unfortunate, because for the longest time, I thought I'd be a marine ecologist, which is, you know, a scientific job. My dad always teases me about being lazy (which is funny, because I'm actually not) and he jokes that if I don't "get my ass in gear" then I'll be  "flipping burgers" or whatever. But now I kind of might be since I've realized I don't have a prayer in the science community.

8. Being aggressive. It's hard for me to make the first move. I usually just follow what everyone else does. I never quite considered myself a shy person. I just don't want to upset anyone, and I test the water first. I guess that's another reason why  Colin moved on. I'm painfully slow.

9. Not comparing myself to others. I can't help it. I always feel second best. I always feel like people are one-upping me. But I never do anything. I think I might be the only eldest sister in history who lives in the shadow of her younger sisters. My younger sister is beautiful. She's tall and thin and ridiculously smart, and athletic, and she just got the boyfriend of her dreams, and she's a standout student, and she's head of the Beta club, and I'm like... nothing. And my youngest sister is charisma and cute personified. She's like Shirley Temple -she's got the hair too. Sure, she can be a brat sometimes, but she steals people's hearts like you wouldn't believe, she has literal genius-level IQ, she paints, she rides horses, and she's good with computers. Me, let's just say that while they're on Nintendo Wii's, I'm stuck on Gameboy Color. I'm really the dumbest one in my family. And I'm short and stubby and a little chubby. Whereas my sisters, beautiful. God. Look at that whole paragraph. Case and point.

Well... that's all I can think of. I've got to get a move on on all of my SAT/ACT prep stuff, and my AP English assignment is due next week. Where on earth did the summer go?

Next time, on things... (bahahaha i'm kidding.) I don't know what I'll talk about next. byeee.


The Conductor said...

1. Honey, isn't that the truth. We all lie, all the time. Unless you're stupid, you have to lie. Stupid people can't see things as they are. Everyone is good, and everyone is evil. And our whole lives we are trying to pretend the evil isn't there. Or some point it out all the time and make some up. But that's not us. Because we want people to like us we note things silently... then we blog about them. Therefore: we're honest here where we aren't otherwise.
2. No is hard. The better you know yourself, the easier it is to say no. You'll know what you want better. I went to Catholic school. :P I was made to believe that every time I stubbed my TOE it was punishment for something. So... yeah. I get it. ;)
3. No and yes! I think it's just decisions you fear. You want other people to make them so you can't make the wrong ones, right? And what yes might that be with him? The yes to a relationship? The yes to a step you weren't ready for? You can't spend your time thinking about why he left you, because if it didn't happen, it wasn't supposed to. Someday you'll be happily married to someone thinking: I'm so glad he didn't want me enough, because I never could have found this. Remember that. Keep calm and carry on.
4. I'm terrible on the phone! But I sell Mary Kay now, so I had to get over it. My 70 year-olds don't exactly want a text to tell them about the new eye-shadow-liner duo. :P They just don't. It takes a lot of confidence. Write down your question exactly how you want it said and maintain a really professional (fake) tone the whole call. Being someone else helps when you're on the phone. Even if that sounds bad, it's true. Be the confidence you wish you were.
5. We all hate letting go. I HATED high school, and I cried at graduation. Because loss is hard. It just is. You'll cry a lot this next year. But the trick is to cry, then get excited. Cry about your last home football game at home, but then be so excited about all the ones you'll attend in college! For every loss there is a gain. It's only a matter of finding it.
6. I'm seeing a lot of myself in this post. Yeah. Confrontations SUCK. And I hardly ever do them. But I've been through enough conflict resolution classes to know what will work and what won't. I'll just add another comment (because this one's getting long) with my steps to a successful resolution.
7. Have you considered environmental journalism? You have to be good under pressure and with deadlines, but those can be learned skills. You are a good writer. You care about the environment. Really, people change their minds a hundred times in college. That's part of the process. Don't think you need to go in POSITIVE that you're going to study one thing, because it will change. But that might be somewhere to start.
8. Again. That will come with confidence. Know you're right, then move on. Don't let yourself think too long on something. AND STOP BLAMING YOURSELF OVER THAT BOY!
9. That's human nature. I do it too. Even the prettiest, smartest girls in the world do it. Boys do it too. Look at your strengths. If you focus on what other people are good at, you'll never get better at what you're good at. Find something to be a part of, you know? College will be the perfect place. If I could have told High School Senior Maddie how happy she would be in a year, I think I would have been happier, you know? There's something final and sad about your senior year. But college is so much better. You can find a niche easier. There are more organizations. There are things that you can RUN! In high school everything is such a popularity contest... but college isn't. Just be you.

The Conductor said...

Longest comment ever. I know.

5 Steps to a Successful Resolution:

1) Be nice twice. The first time, you're going to be nice by asking to speak with them. Maybe even pay for their lunch with the money from that job you just got the balls to call your boss over ;). There's the first time. Your second time will come up soon.

2) Use "I statements." Don't say things like "You shouldn't have..." or "Why would you..." Start with, "I had my feelings hurt when you didn't..." or "I had a hard time understanding why you..." That makes people less defensive and more likely to help. We're all hard-wired to be nice to someone when they're down. Be down. You obviously are hurt. Don't be afraid to let that show.

3) Hear them out. Without bias. This is the hard part. Sometimes after you've gone to all this trouble, it's hard to hear you're wrong. But hear it. We all make mistakes. Hear what they're saying. If you were wrong, say you're sorry, and propose a solution for the future. (Communication is almost always the solution.) If you were right, they handled it one of two ways: Either they accepted responsibility and apologized, or they made excuses.

4) Be nice twice. Here comes the second time. No matter their response (mature or immature), here's your second chance. Say something like, "I really appreciate you apologizing. I'll try to be better about communicating too, and maybe this won't happen again." If they were dumb say something like, "I didn't mean this as an attack. I didn't want to offend you. I really was just hurt and I want you to hear me out." This shows maturity. It shows that you're willing to keep your cool when they aren't.

5) If it went really well and you both did well. The important next step is to actually do what you both said you would. If the other person wasn't so good. You've got this: Final statement. If their response to your number 4 wasn't so good, you've already been nice twice. You don't need a third time. That's letting yourself get walked on. You can say something like, "I'm sorry we couldn't work this out for ourselves maturely. Perhaps I need to bring in our supervisor." or you could say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. When you're ready to apologize for the way you've treated me, I'll be ready to resume our friendship. Until then, I think we need some time apart."

So... that's it! Be nice first. Say I. Listen. Be nice again. And wrap it up. That's helped me a lot. It means that you don't look like an idiot or a bitch. And people for the most part respond really well to it.

Cypress said...

OMG. I love you. Thanks soooo much for taking the time to read that and then give me all that quality advice. Actually environmental journalism is all over my mind lately- I went to college meetings and stuff about that!

I'm probably going to print out your comments and put them on my piano and meditate on them daily. thanks sooooooooooooo much!!


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)