no more emo.

I can't believe how easy it is to change your heart in just the span of a week.

I really, really can't.

So, I've decided it's time for me to do a little soul searching. Right now, I'm going to focus on finding out what I want.

At first, I thought I'd just go for the jugular and start with, "who am I?" but I don't think any of us ever truly know that. I don't think it's possible to know yourself. I don't know. Maybe it's just impossible for me to know myself.

Instead, I'm not going to take crap from any more people. I don't want to get pushed around. At least, not blindly. I'm going to ask myself, "Well, what do I want?" I miss so much convincing myself what I don't want. This time, I'll go running because I want to, not because I'm worried about people thinking I'm fat. This time, I'll hang out with whoever I please without worrying if I'm going to stay in the 'in" crowd. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.

Okay, maybe things won't quite happen like that, but at least I'll be thinking about if it's what I want or not.


While I'm here, here is my seven step plan to getting over that jerk who stole my heart and ran away with it.

1. Tonight, I'm going to wear his shorts that he let me borrow when i went to his house (because i came wearing stockings because of a meeting, didn't have time to change before i came, and was dying of discomfort - i hateeeeee stockings >.<). I'm going to wear them to bed tonight, and then wash them with my clothes tomorrow to erase myself from them, and give them back to him. Forever.
2. I'm going to purge my phone inbox of all the cute texts from him I've been saving, so I can peek at them when I'm feeling down or insecure. No more, since now I'm just looking at them and getting upset, because I keep thinking of how he lied. I know he didn't mean to lie. But it still hurts.
3. I will drown my sorrows in a giant bowl of ice cream for breakfast tomorrow.
4. I'm going to not care that he all of a sudden stopped texting. I'm not going to text him. I'll text other people instead. In fact, I just might turn off my phone for a while to remove temptation.
5. I'm going to go out with my girlfriends who will remind me what a creep he is. Though I'll never tell them about what almost happened between us that I'm now forgetting about.
6. I'm going to remember what a giant crush I have on half the drum line.
7. I'm going to listen to sad piano music for only today and then death metal tomorrow because I know I'll start getting really, really pissed,, and then super happy stuff the day after that when I get sick of metal.

And there. Broken heart recovery plan is now under way. Hold me to this, because I do not want to slip back into wallowing in this hole of self pity and sadness again.


The Conductor said...

Secret: no one figures out who they are. We can only get close when we stop trying.

Forever and ever I had the most trouble with myself because I was always trying to lable myself something. The problem with that is, no one really fits perfectly into ANYTHING. We aren't made from cookie cutters. It may have started that way. But now genetics and environment have made us all gloriously different and unique. But when we try to label ourselves, we have to change some core things about us to fit perfectly. Because it never happens naturally.

Just live. Pray every day, because no matter who you're praying to, or what it's about, you'll feel better afterwards. Work out because it's FUN. Not because you want to be skinny. And here's another secret: I fucking HATE running. So I've started biking because I like that. And now I'm a Zumba instructor becaue I love it. Now I get PAID to work out. Find a local Zumba place. You'll like it better. Promise.

So just live. And here's another secret: (How many is that now? I'm just divulging everything, aren't I?) Boys will be stupid. Boys will make you want to hate yourself because they aren't like us. We think about our decisions a hundred times over when they just act. We feel everything, when they're just going along. It's just how it is. Don't let someone like that bring you down. Don't let anyone bring you down. Because if they don't love you enough to stick around, then you shouldn't love them enough to care.

Last thing, then I'll "publish my comment" Did you get permission? I tried adding your email. I may have done it wrong. If it didn't work, send it to me again on this email, because the old one doesn't work anymore: mthompson36@sycamores.indstate.edu

Shinichi-kun said...

Ok, yeah, Boys are stupid, it was already said, and countless more people will say it again too. Its so easy for someone to give away their heart and most of the tome it turns out the other person doesn't really care anyway, but it happens and we move on. I did it to the first girl that I even loved, and the second girl I loved did it to me. Eventually we move on, don't forget that, your 7 step plan sounds better than any of my plans have.
with the lack of anything better to say, all I have is a good luck, and *hug* it sucks, but there will be someone who realizes a good thing when they see it.

Cypress said...

awww thanks for the kind words and advice and secrets and encouragement and stuff C;


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)