life is good but i'm the one that's sucking.

I hate, hate, hate, hate this.
I'm up to my ears in nothing. It's the worst!!

Allow me to explain. Here are all the things I've forgotten/put off past the point of no return.

-I haven't gone to work in like two months because of marching band and it's seriously stressing me out.
-I feel like I'm way behind in school because I'm used to being ahead and now I'm not.
-Every other section has section paraphernalia or whatever (hats, shirts) and pit traditionally does jackets, I haven't ordered them yet (because no one's submitted me a design anyway) and the season ends in two weeks.
-Marching band ends in two weeks and for some reason I was like sobbing at the last foot ball game. No one else was and i felt like a baby. But honestly, I think I just needed a good cry.
-Got home at 3 AM from a competition yesterday and it was fucking freezing and I got my foot mashed by a marimba and it's bruised and it hurts. I was so tired after that I even slept with my head against the cold window on a three-hour bus ride on activity buses. And then I woke up at 9 and sat in bed all day pretending to write essays and I feel no more energetic at all. I just feel sick, without being actually sick.
-I suck at maintaining friendships across the board.
-I haven't had an oboe lesson since... hm, april? Jeezus. And I feel guilty about that for some reason.
-Winter drum line auditions are approaching.
-So is All-District. Seeing as I'm not in band this semester my oboe chops suck and I won't be even able to play the piece. Hell, I don't even have a copy.
-Homework and crap I'm not doing.
-I almost posted about Colin but then I remembered I'm not. You're welcome. But still, that doesn't mean he isn't on my mind. Jerk.
-I have mountains of laundry to fold that I just keep putting off.
-College apps to meet by the November 1 dead line.
-And scholarship essays.
-I forgot to go to a mandatory event today for my other internship with the museum of life science. crappp.
-For some reason I've got it drilled into my head that I'm doing NaNoWriMo even though I have neither the time nor the mental energy.
-I can't even look at a book anymore because of AP English. I 'd really like to enjoy reading again without constantly annotating that shit and worrying about writing yet more essays.

So basically... I'm not even doing anything with my days (I literally sat around all day today and I still feel totally stressed), and my head is going to explode. Honestly I kind of wish I was really getting sick, because then I could have an excuse to sit around all day and do nothing guilt free while people feel bad for me and bring me soup and stuff.
I really, really hope the source of all this sluggishness/mental exhaustion/apathy is senioritis and not my actual personality.


The Conductor said...

Everyone feels that way senior year. It's hard to get motivated. And you took on a heavy load. You're going to cringe when I say this, but having hard classes in high school is pointless in college. Really. Pointless. It's nice if you get college credit for them, but if you don't, they certainly aren't worth it. It's more important to maintain a good GPA for scholarships and stuff.
Also. Cry on, girl. I cried like a fucking baby when I performed at my last home game. I cried because it was the end of something important to me. It had defined my life for six years. I cried because I felt like my team had failed me--I wanted to go to state. I cried because deep down I knew I'd never been on a dance team again. Cry on.
That boy. Is worth nothing until he's proven his worth.
And school. Honey. You'll always feel behind. In college you never ACTUALLY catch up. Ever. Just saying.
Text me if you need it. You're falling down.

auroralikescows:3 said...

hey! I've been through the same thing :) obviously not exactly the same, but a similar situation. Tip: try not to make anymore lists of what's wrong in your life! It just make you think more about whta else you could hate and be upset about. If anything, try to write a list of good thinkgs in your life. Even if it only holds 2 things! As long as you dont have a sucky list to compare it to it's 2 more that 0!! :D I've just posted a lil paragraph on my blog which might help you! then i came across your blog! its like it was meant to be! lol but yeah, even though we don't know each other, live on different continents and have never spoken.. sometimes strangers are the easiest to talk to. :) so yeah, pop over to my blog and have a read of that chunk i wrote lol, its not fully relevent to everything on the list, but it still might be useful :D and post to me if you wish? :) hope i could/can help xx


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)