kay so i just realized...

... my life is really, really pathetic.

I've drafted this post a hundred times to try and come up with an interesting way to say it, or perhaps to come off like some tragic, witty, charming genius trapped in a mundane lifestyle, or maybe just to not sound like a total whine bucket like I'm about to. But there is no interesting way to tell you my life story.

That's what I'm realizing from procrastinating on doing college applications. Really. "What makes you stand out from your peers?" Um... I write fan fiction can pretend to play the ukulele. "What is a challenge you have overcome and how has it shaped you as a person?" Well... I pretty much haven't solved any of my problems yet, otherwise I'd be happy as shit. Actually, there was this one time where I got hoplessly lost the first time I drove myself further than twenty miles and I had a mental breakdown and realized at that moment that one day I was going to grow up and one day I was going to die; the spark of that epiphany was just because I got lost this one time. But that's embarrassing and I don't want to put that in an essay. "What qualities do you have to offer to better this college?" I'll probably pretend to study a lot and follow all of your rules and generally not make a scene. You're welcome.

But here's the other thing.
There is also nothing remotely interesting about me. Everyone says that. Or I'm just not special.

In pit, my own section members even joke about that. They call me a not-fun bitch. And they tell me I'm old and fat. I know it's just jokes and sometimes they are pretty funny... but they're right. And it's stupid because I actually feel more alone than I've ever really felt before... I'm kind of tired of pretending to myself about how popular and well liked I've become when in reality, no one would pick me over anyone else, to face it bluntly.

Know what just randomly occured to me today? I don't really have a best friend. I pretend I do but honestly... I'm back to feeling where I wouldn't mind moving to a new place and starting all over. I guess that just means I'm ready for college. But I can't go when I'm this low, feeling this worthless.

I really want to blame Colin for all of this, for not treating me like I'm special. Or all of my bitchy girlfriends who have this fantastic habit of leaving me out of stuff. I really want to blame my sister for just getting everything she wants without trying. I really want to blame my parents for cracking me up to the world to be this great person I pretend to be, while I'm really just some lazy bitch who's pretty good at BS'ing.

and blah blah yada yada I know the only one to blame is myself yada blah blah blah. Yes. I know that. Gah.
Sorry, world, for having next-to-nothing to offer.

I really hope my self-esteem comes back because I've been feeling like this for about two months on and off and it's getting soooo old.


The Conductor said...

Alright. Enough. Listen up.
I don't even know where the fuck you live, but I want you to apply to Indiana State University. It's where I go, and I'll preach for it for three big reasons: 1) The profs legitimately care about you. 2) You're inevitably going to get accepted. and 3) There are great people here and lot of ways to get involved where YOU're important. Apply and get accepted. Then. If you have a pretty good GPA and a decent (not even exceptional) ACT or SAT score, then you're elligible to get the full-ride scholarship I got. Not only is it a full-ride, but you get free housing, and you get opportunities to meet and chat with on a first-name basis some pretty important people. And I'd be happy to walk you through it.
This time last year I was feeling exactly the same way. I felt uninteresting and boring. But you're not. I've read your blog. You're funny. You're a musician. You're passionate. And I want other people to see that too. I want you to be a presidential schloar like me. :P
Look. It's hard sometimes to think of those things they want you to come up with. But if you're so goddamn average (which you're not) then you're just like the millions of other college students applying right now. No one's going to turn you down for not having shit to say. You're in fucking HIGH SCHOOL! You have plenty of time to have awful things happen to you and for you to rise above them, and you have plenty of time to change the fucking world. So stop trying to be something you're not a learn to love the intelligent, funny, driven girl you are.
It's decided: I want you at my school.

The Conductor said...

Because my blog is private, I'm going to put my cell phone number in a post. You don't HAVE to text me, but if you ever have questions about filling out applications for scholarships or colleges, or if you have any questions about anything AT ALL, then I want you to feel like you have some unbiased source of relatively informed information. <--I am the information in that scenario which is weird.

Just text me. I never, ever answer calls.

Cypress said...

You. Are. My. Hero.<3 and you know what the heck I will apply. It's just one more app.

Caitlin said...

You know what, I agree with "The Conductor!" I have read your blog a lot also, and I am always so horrible at reading other peoples blogs, but I love yours! You're writing is so real! You know how to write your true feelings without sounding like, "feel bad for me ! ME ME ME! My life sucks!" You seem like you are so aware of yourself, and I know for me, I have known myself for so long, but it wasnt until a month ago is when I was like, "You know what? Who cares what anyone thinks of me!" I was always that awkward chick that was really funny but always said "unusual comments" but I totally own it now! and you should too! People that know themselves and don't care about what people think of them, are the coolest! I have seen you write about Colin before, and he seems like a douche! :'( I dont know him, and I dont know the situation, but seriously... you deserve a man that will sweep you off your feet and make you feel like a million bucks! You are gifted and unique and dude! if you lived where I lived, I can already tell we would probably be besties! :) Keep your chin up!! Dont let people bring you down, you've got your whole life in your hands!! My sister and brother both got their bachelors degrees and both went on to grad school... I am at my 5th year in community college.... but am graduating this year! We are different, but all equally unique in our own ways, and so are you and YOUR sister! :)

Cypress said...

Aww thank you! Y'all are sooo sweet. Caitlin idk what's up but every time I try to comment back on you blog it won't let me ;A; but I've been reading up on yours too :3 and trust me, I'm so in the market for getting the hell out of this town and getting the hell over colin (who probably isnt as douhey as i make him sound xD) and maybe I'll come visit you while I travel the world avoiding desk jobs and, you know, things will be spiffy. :)


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)