everything is everything.

On mondays, I used to take walks. It's because monday is the only day I get home from school at 3:30 and have time to take a walk in daylight. Autumn is slowly arriving in the South, but the only way you can tell is because the days are shorter. The weather is now threatening to cool down from the usual balmy 74 degrees. Trees here usually turn late and then very fast- right now they look like little green matches with a tiny red flame at the top which will eat them up in a matter of a few weeks.

Today, I decided to start my monday walks up again. I went for exercise because I was tired of being fat, and I brought my iPod with my little pedometer app and went for a jog like a boss. Unfortunately, my iPod died, but I kept the headphones in my ears to keep myself inspired. Eventually, I slowed down and pulled the earbuds out of my ears.

And suddenly... nature.

That was when I kind of just stopped. I was on the greenway; I sat on a manhole cover that jutted out of the grass and looked up at the trees. I feel like I've never missed something so big before. The fact that I'm worrying about being fat and exercising and AP classes and marching band and college applications and work and friends and Colin... and then the fact that all around my little world with all my little life-ending disasters and woes and triumphs and everything in between, the earth keeps spinning... I suddenly feel very small.

My favorite thing in the world is quite possibly leaves. For one, I'm an herbivore and I eat salads like a shark. But they're very beautiful things. Tiny colored leaves on the blacktop crunch beneath your feet- that's nice. I love how in the fall, they paint the world my favorite color, yellow. I love the way they sway in trees, light as air, the way they rustle as the wind whispers through, the way they dapple the ground with soft shadows, and the way they glow when you can look up and see the sunlight through them. They're vibrant, soft, supple, alive, and the best thing is... they come back all new every single year.
In the forest, you can hear chirping crickets, patter of squirrels, the soft babble of the stream, peeping of frogs, the flutter of falling leaves, rustle of branches in the breeze, twitter of birds, the shuffle of small unseen creatures, swaying grass, sleepy shade... and in the dull october warmth you can still hear the muted echo of far-off cars and airplanes.
I found myself wondering... someday all of this will be gone. And it's sad. We're all going to die one day. And yeah, it sucks, but life goes on. Life always goes on. It's just a fact. And to me, it's sobering, but at the same time, insanely comforting. Left to its own devices, nature always wins. We each as humans create this complicated world of mess with all our little social intricacies and machines and customs and shit, but nature is so simple... does the same crap every year. The leaves come back every year. The stars come back every night. The world will always be the same rock spinning around the same star hurdling through space. We're floating. We're flying.
Why am I so worried about everything all the time?
I don't mean that fatalistically, as in like why worry if it doesn't even matter. I just realized... no matter what happens, the world will keep turning. And bad shit will happen, and leaves will fall off trees, but they always grow back.
Sometimes, life sucks, but mostly, it's pretty damn beautiful.


The Conductor said...

and she's back. :)
There we go. You needed to get in touch with that girl again. Because she was always in there. You cared about what you had to say, and that's the most important thing.
From a writing standpoint, don't pretty things to be pretty. Say them as you feel them, and they'll be beautiful enough. That I can promise you. Let yourself feel your words and let go in ways you feel uncomfortable doing. Remove the technique--you can always apply it later. But it's most important to feel first.


Gia said...

very lovely...


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)