And now, the post about college apps.

I'm mad at my mom right now.

She's trying to help me with college applications. The thing is, I've been mentally burned out for almost a month now and I just can't focus on anything for more than three hours. She's literally making me rewrite my entire college application, insisting it isn't good enough and I'll never get in when I act the way I am in writing.

You know what?

Why can I just be me? Why CAN'T I write in my normal voice? Why do I have to put on YET ANOTHER face just to please someone else? Can I be anything other than just a number? Not everyone can be standout all the time, because then.. no one would be standout. I just don't get this.

And the other thing is, I'm tired of not being good enough all the time for her. For the rest of the world. I was Oceana's Junior Ocean Hero finalist.  I got my gold award. I have more recognitions from senators than I can count. Even the Obama administration has sent me a certificate. I'm the percussion captain. I'm in NHS. I'm in all these environmental councils and religious crap. I've got a 4.2 GPA. Really, what more do you want? How can I possibly make myself better by your standards? Why can't you just take the time to look at me as more than a conglomeration of numbers and grades? How can a tiny slice of what I did in high school determine exactly who I'll be in the future?

And my mother doesn't realize ... her writing this with me... My application right now is sounding a lot more like her than me. The last thing I want to do is spend any more time on this... so I'll worry about it later.

But honestly.
I'm tired of the bullshit. I thought that ended in college. I guess not.

And I'm especially tired of the lying. that's what I do all the time. She is telling me to suck it up and stop being so passive in my essays. Well... I'm a passive person. I dont' want to lie about how great I am. Wouldn't I stand out a lot more if everyone else is bragging about themselves and brushing themselves up and I'm just presenting me for me?

Besides, I spend all day bullshitting and lying. I lie my way through friendships. I never tell people what I really feel. I have wrecked so many relationships in my deliberation of my next move and then lying about what I'm thinking. I lie through all my classes, pretending I'm smart, studying my butt off. I lie to my parents, telling them I'm studying and working when I'm really just reading or something. And the only way I can escape my own lies is through other peoples' lies. I read books. I watch Doctor Who. I write my own stories. My life has always been on lies and pretending.

I'm really sick of lies and making shit up.
So long story short...
i'm pissed.
and the world is looking kinda crappy today.
:( :( :(
Oh wait. My mother told me to stop whining all the time. She says I need to grow up and  do it.
Doesn't anyone else see the irony in that? Grow up and lie about yourself? How can that be something we aspire to?

Okay, I could write and rant about this all day, so I better go back and resume my bullshitting now. Byeee!

1 comment:

The Conductor said...

It sucks, but part of being "professional" is being fake as fuck. It really does suck. But keep an element of yourself. And you're a cool person. LET IT SHINE THROUGH!!!


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)