wrong exit?

I think my life is starting too early. Yeah I know. My actual life has already started. I'm talking about my adult life.

I just feel like I'm going to fast. I'm growing up too quickly. Yeah, I'm 15, and I'm out of the house in 3 years. It's kind of a scary thought, but everyone has to do it. I just feel like I'm ahead of everyone I know in the whole business... It's like my entire life right now is preparation for the future. Before I even think about doing something I think about if it will look good on a college application. I feel like such an effing geek. I should do things because I love them and I want to, not because some stupid college wants me to.

So am I getting off on the wrong exit from the highway of life?

I'm getting a ... I dunno, sort of a job, at a lab this summer. It's going to take up every day I'm not at band camp or on vacation or days I decide to take off. It will take as much time as an actual job, until I finish my project. I gave up being a PA at girl scout camp for this. Imagine that, I'll be working in a lab. If I want to be a marine biologist, this is a perfect experience. All the same...

Is this the life I want to have? Yeah, I love nature and all of its mysteries and creatures. Yes, I love my friends and family. But is this the way I really want to go? Yes, I'm still a kid, it's not like I'm choosing a major. But I'm certainly paving the road to where I might want to go.

I was thinking about this last night. I wrote like ten pages in my journal. (Yes I'm a total lame-o and keep a journal.) There's so much I want to do in life, I want to go so far. It's just... no one really ends up getting what they want for real. I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis as a pitiful hormonal teenager, not a 47-year-old woman.

Example. Simple, but still. Every woman wants a wraparound porch but they usually end up in the center of Suburbia in a townhouse with a front lawn about two feet long. Everybody wants to be happy and go golfing or whatever in their free time. But what if I don't have that? If I'm a marine biologist, say, I'll be spending all my time in a lab or out in the field, wherever that is.

You know what? Screw golf, I don't like it anyways.

1 comment:

Booksaboutbridgette said...

I can relate, I feel the same way. Like you're this giant package and you're getting filled with all these goodies, but you can't really open them yet..What a stupid analogy I know....Then when it's finally time to open it, everything could be rotting inside.


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)