Query #2


Why does my life feel so complicated so suddenly? Gah. I almost preferred middle school when only girls cared about me and only a few guys did. Now it feels like nobody really cares about me that much...

Now my life is in reverse. Everything I did is becoming undone. I thought I found my religious path, now I’m teetering once again on the line between There and Not. I knew I would do this, then I knew I could do this, then I thought I could do this, and then suddenly I’m not so sure. Instead of getting better at life, I’m getting worse. I’m losing grip, going from Found to Lost again. Marching band is over as soon as it started and my weekdays are empty again, just like my heart feels right now.

I know that sounds so emo. But it’s all going backwards.

In middle school, I had all girl friends and only girls cared about me as far as I knew, with only a few guy friends. But now... I’ve spent all this time wishing, and now that I’ve got it I’m wishing it away. (I'm not telling what that wish is.) I was confident, like I knew where I was going, but now I just wish I could turn back.

We were born from the darkness and clothed in the light, but now I feel naked, alone, and in the dark. Everyone can see me, who I am, yet they don’t know or accept or understand me at all.
I never wanted to be emo, but it feels kind of inevitable right now.

I should be happy. I’ve always been happy. Some days I am, some I’m not. I guess this all comes with the wonderful package of being a teenager.

But even though I have clean clothes, warm meals every day, a good school, clean water, a house that we own, cars, a full unbroken family, no drugs, perfect health, every material thing I could want, and my father having a job… I’m not happy. I feel so selfish. There are some people in the world who have no clothes, no food, no water, and no place to sleep at night. No family, no friends, no medicines for when they’re sick, no comfort, no hope.

But sometimes I too feel like I have no hope.

I just don’t get it. What would I even hope for? I don’t know what’s missing in my life. My social life has a lot to be desired, but when you think about it, I’m so lucky. I have no effing idea anymore, I’m just going through the motions. And I’m wishing all my wishes away. And here I am, I said I wanted to grow up and get a job but I’m too scared for an interview.

My little sister has now thrown her name in the hat for all the kids on the street as their babysitter. I don’t get it. Why didn’t I do that? Why wasn’t I as brave? That’s not even bravery. That just says here I am, call me and give me money for eating your food while your kids watch movies while you're out getting wasted or whatever.

I wish for attention occasionally, but when I have it, I shy away from the spotlight. Should I just wish for nothing because I’m no happier once I get it?

What is wrong with me?

On second thought, don’t answer that.


Taylor said...

You are NOT being selfish. You are being a teenager. From personal 7th Grade experience (yes, THIS is how I felt then) it WILL go away. Don't worry, I care a TON. I may have a boyfriend now, but I'm engaged to you, remember? :)

What's missing? YOUR time. We both long for the unhindered and beautiful ranges of flat land and blue skies, and we both can't have that right now. You want the sea, I want the air, we both want QUIET. And we can't have that right now! We have to sail through this sea known as HIGH SCHOOL, avoid crashing on the rocks, and reach our fulfilling horizon... As much as you may hate it now, you have to get through it. Otherwise, that horizon will fade. Ireland. Montana. Hawaii.

Don't worry, I'm here for you! Always and forever. Screw Matthew, heh!

Cypress said...

Please don't [screw Matthew]. I'd rather not, that's your job.

HAHA! Joking.

Taylor said...

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW haha. I do, in fact, have a promise ring for a reason, ROFL.


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)