Okay, I caved. I'm already doing an epilogue.

Reading this again, I learned a lot. I saw how I've changed. That's why I keep my journals and shit, so I can learn from them. Compared to where I once was, the place I am now is darker. A lot. Things back then were so much lighter, and I had no idea how good they were. It's a lesson in appreciating things, I suppose. Or not letting the bad things get you down so much.

I don't mean to say that you should appreciate the way things are now because in the future they are going to be so much worse. But in an open letter to my past self, this is what I am going to say.

Dear Past Carolyn,
There are two categories of things in your current life. A few things that will change and a few things that won't. And there's no way to tell which things fall in which category. It's all tits up.

In a way that's also comforting. It's how life is. It's a big story with a lot of variables. You have to learn which things you can control and which things you can't, so you avoid either wasting time or becoming too fatalistic to function.

You will learn the demons in your head and you will name them. One will be bipolar disorder. One will be rape. One will be self-harming. One will be delusions. One will be alcoholism. One will be daddy issues. There are a few demons you have now that will fade away. And there are more to come. You will learn how to fight them in time.

You will fight your entire life. And you have to keep fighting.

I'm sorry I couldn't resolve all the issues that you had, and I'm sorry that I was responsible for creating more. But the thing to know is this: in the past you were a fighter. You knew how to learn from the things that happened to you, and you knew the importance of keeping an open mind and trying to loosen up and let go.

I read some of those older posts and I realize I still struggle with the same thing. But... things take time. Not every issue is fixed simply by getting older. Some things you have no control over, and mental illness really knows how to muck everything up for sure, but sometimes you have to realize... maybe you do have control over this.

This is what I am learning. And I'm going to try my best to use everything that we both have learned.

Mkay. That's it. Now it's the end.

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Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)