things, part 4. (things i'm tired of)

1. I'm tired of being fat. I don't feel fat, really, but then I look in the mirror like... ohhh god. And I put on a pair of jeans that fit me a while ago, trying to convince me that these were the jeans that never really fit that well anyway. And, my face looks a lot better when it's not roundisher and fat. I'm tired of fat, flabby upper arms. I'm tired of disappointment when I look at the scale. I'm tired of being shocked at how hard it is to go up two flights of stairs every day. And I'm especially tired of looking around and being jealous of skinny people.

2. I'm tired of being gross. I just went to the doctor because there's a cyst behind my ear and my foot still hurts where I ran over a marimba. Turns out, the cyst behind my ear should go away in a few weeks (or else get removed, which means needles 0.o), and the reason my foot still hurts is because i have a ganglion cyst in there too. Why am i so lumpy. it's probably cause i'm fat. And and and, I also have this nasty thing called hyperhidrosis which means i sweat way too much and usually it's under control, but it just sucks. Oh, and I am so tired of having zits.

3. I'm tired of laundry. I hate unpacking from a trip and doing laundry. Just saying. By the time I stop being lazy and fold it, there's a whole nother load to do. #first world problems.

4. I'm tired of school. Really. I'm sick of studying all the time and focusing all the time and printing crap out and sharpening pencils and buying new paper and writing homework in an agenda.

5. I'm tired of due dates and deadlines. there's ALWAYS some looming, impending thing I need to do that I don't ever feel like doing.

6. I'm tired of the cold. It's barely dropped below 40 here for more than a week and I'm already sick of it.

7. I'm tired of my period. I hate it. I'm sick of cramps and... oh, you know. Also, I'm tired of feeling obligated to use tampons and I'm tired of (confession) being afraid of them and I'm tired of feeling bad about that.

8. I'm tired of freaking out about everything. I've been working for three months and I'm still nervous for several hours before it's time for me to go in. It's not that scary and I know that. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I just freak out.

9. I'm tired of my first instinct when that happens being to text Colin. (that whole last sentence probably wasn't gramatically correct but whatever.) Come to think of it...

10. I'M TIRED OF COLIN. I'm sooo tired of worrying about him. I think actually, I might be more in love with the idea of him than the boy himself. There's nothing for us to talk about anymore. I need someone I can have deep conversations with. I texted him yesterday during a little anxiety attack or whatever, and asked him to tell me a story [stories, we used to tell each other as a way to let each other know our feelings or some deep thing or something real or interesting. we'd tell it in like the third person... oh, it's hard to describe, anyway, he'd tell me a story] or something and all he did was give me some gossip. He's more of a girl than me. Also, he acts shallow and dumb sometimes. I'm sick of waiting for him to grow up. I'm sick of waiting for him to dump his bubble-headed girlfriend. Maybe they should be together. I'm tired of waiting for him to be there for me again just like I used to be there for him. I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of it.

11. I'm tired of lying. I always just smile and tell everyone it's okay. Maybe that's why Colin never asks if I'm okay when I want him to. I never tell him. I never tell anyone anything. I'm tired of bottling it in. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I might not be.

12. I'm tired of feeling not worth it all the time. I don't like feeling like this. I should say, I deserve better, but I honestly don't think I do. And I know I shouldn't think that. But I totally do... it's a little twisted.

13. I'm tired of whining. I whine so much. But i don't know what else to do.

14. I'm tired of being tired of shit.

[remember when i said i thought that humans are biologically inclined to be pissed off as teenagers? yeah, that we all feel a degree of angst and rage or whatever as a way to get us pissed off enough to leave the nest and grow up? Yeah, that's why I'm usually patient with other kids my age, becuase we're supposed to get pissy, i think. It's nature's device for kicking us out. i mean if you think about it being a teenager is nice... free food, no rent, party all night, usually free car, etc... But anyway... Is that what all of that ^ was? maybe?]

Please tell me this is senioritis and not my personality.
Thanks for listening, blog world.


The Conductor said...

1) As I read this, we were discussing anorexia in Psychology. :P I don't think you're going to be anorexic. I think you're probably more like I am. I'm going to start a food diary and start working out a little. Why don't you join in? You'll feel better about yourself.
2) Sometimes I have seizures on the shitter while having diarrhea. Sometimes I get zits on my ass. My friend Brittany had a huge ass boil thing IN HER ARMPIT that I had to take her to the ER to have cut open. We all have weird shit with our bodies. We just don't talk about it. Also zits? Eat less sugar, wash your face regularly. I know you know that. But it helps. I'm a Mary Kay consultant. I'd suggest Velocity if you can find a local consultant.
3) Laundry sucks ass.
4) Christmas break is coming!!!
5) Welcome to college. You're NEVER free from homework. You'll always have something that you don't have done yet. It sucks. But you just have to learn to be okay with it and keep doing a little at a time. Just keep swimming. :P
6) It's colder here.
7) You don't use tampons? I'm not judging. I didn't for the first two years I had my period. It really scared me. But I wanted to go swimming one time and just decided I could do it. I'd say practice with your mom. Let her talk you through it. And if you're not practicing ON your period, then get yourself some KY so it goes smoothly. That isn't weird. I promise. I've helped a friend through this before. :P
8) Story. of. my. life.
9) I tend to obsessively text Drew. But he wants me back. Honey. You're about to go to COLLEGE. I used to think I was such a loser in high school because no one wanted to be with me. But in college a lot of people do. And the pool is bigger. Just wait. Just wait.
10) ...wait for college.
11) Lying about your feelings is part good social skills and part really dangerous. You don't need to tell everyone when you're freaking out, but you need to tell someone.
12) What aren't you worth?
13) It's not whining. It's feeling.
14) meh. Then take a nap ;)

You're perfectly normal. Well. You're not. But neither am I. You're like any other freaking out perfectionist. It's okay. Don't be afraid to be a little weird. And all of that ^^ it part of growing up.

Cypress said...

Thanks soooo much for the response. 1. Yeah... I'm afraid of being anorexic again, don't think I'm going there. I'd loveeee to start a food diary and stuff with ya. There's actually this fabulous website that I started using for a bit once that counts calories for you. So yeah let's do it!
And thanks for the weird body shit. Good to know everyone else has freaky shit too xD
Yeah pretty much I keep telling myself wait for college, wait for college... gah, I used to be afraid of it but now it can't come fast enoug :/
What am I not worth...? Sometimes I just get way down in the dumps and I don't feel like I'm worth anyone's time, like I should be working harder for them... I don't know, I guess I just grew up thinking that I always had to work for everyone else and put myself last so it's still like stuck in my head. sigh.
thanks again sooooo much for the comment. as usual ^^

Searching Life said...

If I were to make a list like this, it would probably be identical (with the exception of 10 naturally). My number 15 would be that I am tired of people noticing my whining. I mean, I think I do so because I am stuck keeping everything bottled up inside (all of a sudden, typing that felt really cheesy) and a friend of mine, who is too smart for their own good, will be able to see through that lie I tell when I am pretending to be fine. They remove the cap off of the bottle so to speak. So when everything explodes on them I want to say "...well, you asked for it".

Searching Life said...

And I am super sorry for not saying anything helpful. I guess we both struggle with a lot of the same things. So all I ever do is relate and complain, adding to the mess instead of being useful.

Cypress said...

No way girl! You vent all you need to. I just like knowing someone's listening (reading) and relating. I'm here for ya too! electronically speaking :)


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)