2. I'm tired of being gross. I just went to the doctor because there's a cyst behind my ear and my foot still hurts where I ran over a marimba. Turns out, the cyst behind my ear should go away in a few weeks (or else get removed, which means needles 0.o), and the reason my foot still hurts is because i have a ganglion cyst in there too. Why am i so lumpy.
3. I'm tired of laundry. I hate unpacking from a trip and doing laundry. Just saying. By the time I stop being lazy and fold it, there's a whole nother load to do.
4. I'm tired of school. Really. I'm sick of studying all the time and focusing all the time and printing crap out and sharpening pencils and buying new paper and writing homework in an agenda.
5. I'm tired of due dates and deadlines. there's ALWAYS some looming, impending thing I need to do that I don't ever feel like doing.
6. I'm tired of the cold. It's barely dropped below 40 here for more than a week and I'm already sick of it.
7. I'm tired of my period. I hate it. I'm sick of cramps and... oh, you know. Also, I'm tired of feeling obligated to use tampons and I'm tired of (confession) being afraid of them and I'm tired of feeling bad about that.
8. I'm tired of freaking out about everything. I've been working for three months and I'm still nervous for several hours before it's time for me to go in. It's not that scary and I know that. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I just freak out.
9. I'm tired of my first instinct when that happens being to text Colin. (that whole last sentence probably wasn't gramatically correct but whatever.) Come to think of it...
10. I'M TIRED OF COLIN. I'm sooo tired of worrying about him. I think actually, I might be more in love with the idea of him than the boy himself. There's nothing for us to talk about anymore. I need someone I can have deep conversations with. I texted him yesterday during a little anxiety attack or whatever, and asked him to tell me a story [stories, we used to tell each other as a way to let each other know our feelings or some deep thing or something real or interesting. we'd tell it in like the third person... oh, it's hard to describe, anyway, he'd tell me a story] or something and all he did was give me some gossip. He's more of a girl than me. Also, he acts shallow and dumb sometimes. I'm sick of waiting for him to grow up. I'm sick of waiting for him to dump his bubble-headed girlfriend. Maybe they should be together. I'm tired of waiting for him to be there for me again just like I used to be there for him. I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of it.
11. I'm tired of lying. I always just smile and tell everyone it's okay. Maybe that's why Colin never asks if I'm okay when I want him to. I never tell him. I never tell anyone anything. I'm tired of bottling it in. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I might not be.
12. I'm tired of feeling not worth it all the time. I don't like feeling like this. I should say, I deserve better, but I honestly don't think I do. And I know I shouldn't think that. But I totally do... it's a little twisted.
13. I'm tired of whining. I whine so much. But i don't know what else to do.
14. I'm tired of being tired of shit.
[remember when i said i thought that humans are biologically inclined to be pissed off as teenagers? yeah, that we all feel a degree of angst and rage or whatever as a way to get us pissed off enough to leave the nest and grow up? Yeah, that's why I'm usually patient with other kids my age, becuase we're supposed to get pissy, i think. It's nature's device for kicking us out. i mean if you think about it being a teenager is nice... free food, no rent, party all night, usually free car, etc... But anyway... Is that what all of that ^ was? maybe?]
Please tell me this is senioritis and not my personality.
Thanks for listening, blog world.