My sister and I do stupid things.

Sometimes when we're mad we drive past crowded public places with the windows down blaring screamo and yelling curse words. Sometimes we order takeout from three different restaurants. Sometimes we pool all of our money together to buy something stupid like a Sims 2 expansion pack.

Last night, we came home kind of late from a party at like 11:30. And at midnight, she came into my room and asked if we could talk. So I let her crawl into my bed and we talked until 4 AM. I had work the next day.. today actually. It was a dumb idea.

But still. We're total opposites. I'm like the artistic dreamer and I'm empathetic and I think a lot about the future, I have all these dreams and plans and emotions to sort out and shit. I'm the shy nice girl.
But she, she isn't selfish, she just needs her space and needs to take care of herself before helping anyone else. She's confident and logical and smart and tells you straight and just sees things for what they are. She doesn't get distracted; she doesn't overanalyze. She told me she feels like a robot, though, because she says she never really feels any emotions like anyone else does.

I guess we all have our problems. And I complain about my whirlwind emotions a lot... but all in all, I'm glad I have them, because emotions are what allow us to help people most, I think.

And I guess that's why everyone comes to me with their problems. I can feel everything. I can feel everyone's pain and empathize with everyone. It's good because I can help them... but all those little residual emotions I don't really feel sometimes come back on days like this when I'm too tired to function properly.

Weird.
I'm just in a weird mood.
Everyone around us is just having trouble emotionally. I don't want her to be next.
I don't need another person to fix.

For some reason

I have decided that one day, I really want a small, fluffy dog



and i will name her  Coco Peaches Kita Lola.

I'm going to college, baby!

So... I got into the college I really want to go to.
High schoollllll... fuck it!!! hahaha jk. but no kind of seriously.

*does happy dance*

things, part 5 (stupid little things that make me happy)

1. Every time I see Van Gogh's Starry Night. It's my favorite painting.
2. Little kids, babies.
3. Puffy clouds.
4. Honestly, Doctor Who. I said I'd write a legit post of that. Whatever.
5. Writing something really good.
6. Overhearing compliments that people didn't intend for me to hear. :)
7. Passing notes.
8. Fuzzy blankets, and the feeling you get when your head hits the pillow after a long day and you pull the covers close. ^^
9. Paper cranes.
10. The games Ninja or Samurai. samurai is a drum line game i guess. can't find a video haha
11. When I connect with some cute guy over an obscure reference (doesn't happen often haha)
12. Driving.
13. Tea.
14. Stargazing.
15. Turning off my alarm, knowing that I can sleep in the next day :)
16. Pokemon.
17. The lights section at Home Depot or something.
18. Salads with honey mustard dressing.
19. Warm sunlight on the porch.
20. Rainy days where you can sit and play the sims all day and no one cares.
21. Doing something stupid and realizing no one cares.
22. Rhymes.
23. Realizing that people care [about you].
24. Silly movies like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World that are based off comics.
25. People who are bilingual.
26. Animals.
27. Shoes.
28. Yellow things.
29. The sound my curtains make when I close them.
30. Getting mail.

did i tell you about my creeper?

The sad thing is, he's the only guy who has ever told me he thinks I'm beautiful.

15 days

until the doctor who christmas special.

<3

Wow.

This is not a real person singing, it's a computer program.

Technology is pretty awesome sometimes!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Today, one of the guys at work asked me if I was pregnant.
He was serious.
FMLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

I'm an INFP.

It means I'm introverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceptive or something like that.

It's the Myers-Briggs personality thing and I find it endlessly interesting.

And... I share a personality type with the following people: Mary (as in mother of Jesus) Virgil, Shakespeare, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow,  Helen Keller, Dick Clark, Amy Tan, George Orwell, Princess Diana, Aldous Huxley, J.R.R. Tolkien, and best of all...Audrey Hepburn!
SHE IS MY FAVORITE.

that is all.

things, part 4. (things i'm tired of)

1. I'm tired of being fat. I don't feel fat, really, but then I look in the mirror like... ohhh god. And I put on a pair of jeans that fit me a while ago, trying to convince me that these were the jeans that never really fit that well anyway. And, my face looks a lot better when it's not roundisher and fat. I'm tired of fat, flabby upper arms. I'm tired of disappointment when I look at the scale. I'm tired of being shocked at how hard it is to go up two flights of stairs every day. And I'm especially tired of looking around and being jealous of skinny people.

2. I'm tired of being gross. I just went to the doctor because there's a cyst behind my ear and my foot still hurts where I ran over a marimba. Turns out, the cyst behind my ear should go away in a few weeks (or else get removed, which means needles 0.o), and the reason my foot still hurts is because i have a ganglion cyst in there too. Why am i so lumpy. it's probably cause i'm fat. And and and, I also have this nasty thing called hyperhidrosis which means i sweat way too much and usually it's under control, but it just sucks. Oh, and I am so tired of having zits.

3. I'm tired of laundry. I hate unpacking from a trip and doing laundry. Just saying. By the time I stop being lazy and fold it, there's a whole nother load to do. #first world problems.

4. I'm tired of school. Really. I'm sick of studying all the time and focusing all the time and printing crap out and sharpening pencils and buying new paper and writing homework in an agenda.

5. I'm tired of due dates and deadlines. there's ALWAYS some looming, impending thing I need to do that I don't ever feel like doing.

6. I'm tired of the cold. It's barely dropped below 40 here for more than a week and I'm already sick of it.

7. I'm tired of my period. I hate it. I'm sick of cramps and... oh, you know. Also, I'm tired of feeling obligated to use tampons and I'm tired of (confession) being afraid of them and I'm tired of feeling bad about that.

8. I'm tired of freaking out about everything. I've been working for three months and I'm still nervous for several hours before it's time for me to go in. It's not that scary and I know that. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I just freak out.

9. I'm tired of my first instinct when that happens being to text Colin. (that whole last sentence probably wasn't gramatically correct but whatever.) Come to think of it...

10. I'M TIRED OF COLIN. I'm sooo tired of worrying about him. I think actually, I might be more in love with the idea of him than the boy himself. There's nothing for us to talk about anymore. I need someone I can have deep conversations with. I texted him yesterday during a little anxiety attack or whatever, and asked him to tell me a story [stories, we used to tell each other as a way to let each other know our feelings or some deep thing or something real or interesting. we'd tell it in like the third person... oh, it's hard to describe, anyway, he'd tell me a story] or something and all he did was give me some gossip. He's more of a girl than me. Also, he acts shallow and dumb sometimes. I'm sick of waiting for him to grow up. I'm sick of waiting for him to dump his bubble-headed girlfriend. Maybe they should be together. I'm tired of waiting for him to be there for me again just like I used to be there for him. I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of it.

11. I'm tired of lying. I always just smile and tell everyone it's okay. Maybe that's why Colin never asks if I'm okay when I want him to. I never tell him. I never tell anyone anything. I'm tired of bottling it in. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I might not be.

12. I'm tired of feeling not worth it all the time. I don't like feeling like this. I should say, I deserve better, but I honestly don't think I do. And I know I shouldn't think that. But I totally do... it's a little twisted.

13. I'm tired of whining. I whine so much. But i don't know what else to do.

14. I'm tired of being tired of shit.

[remember when i said i thought that humans are biologically inclined to be pissed off as teenagers? yeah, that we all feel a degree of angst and rage or whatever as a way to get us pissed off enough to leave the nest and grow up? Yeah, that's why I'm usually patient with other kids my age, becuase we're supposed to get pissy, i think. It's nature's device for kicking us out. i mean if you think about it being a teenager is nice... free food, no rent, party all night, usually free car, etc... But anyway... Is that what all of that ^ was? maybe?]

Please tell me this is senioritis and not my personality.
Thanks for listening, blog world.

Bellyaching.

When I'm pissed, I do one of three things: I blog, I text Colin, or I grab my red camera and go for a walk.

I'm not texting, and I'm tired of bitching on this blog. So I'll share with you my third and often most effective method of stress relief.  Here's a few pictures I took from the fall. I loveeee nature. It's nice, right? :)

Doldrummmmmms.

I'm really, really bored, and the only thing I have to entertain me is work, and the prospect of going to New Jersey to see my family (all of whom talk like they do in My Cousin Vinny).

Sighhh. I love that movie though. Have some clips.

I think this one illustrates the cultural differences quite nicely.

This is what I did today.

I dared my sister's boyfriend (who is notorious for his love of food) to go to McDonald's and order a McFatass. I taped the scene as we went to lunch today with our other friend. The camera was in my lap cause I didn't want to be too creepy, and then, it shook like a lot apparently from me trying really hard not to laugh. The funniest part though, was probably the people laughing in the background.


I don't know if you'll find this funny... But it made my week.

a post about failure.

Failure, it hurts. It stares you in the face, punches you in the gut, and laughs at you while you curl into a little ball trying to get your breath back.

I honestly think that this year, I've had more failures than successes. I wrecked it with Colin. I'm not doing well in my classes. I'm not first chair oboe. I had the worst last marching band show of my life (it was at Bands of America Grand Nationals in Indianapolis, and I couldn't play to save my life- i forgot parts, botched timing, and just generally sucked D: ). I'm at least a week behind in NaNoWriMo. And overall, I'm just not where I want to be.

Senior year, I wanted to be wildly popular. I wanted everyone to love me. I'd be such a drastic opposite from who I was as a freshman- I'd turn myself around and it would be great. Underclassmen would kiss the ground I walked on, teachers would adore me, I'd make my parents so damn proud, everyone would be calling me up to hang out all the time, and Colin would wish he hadn't dated Kelsey...

But you know what? We don't learn the most from succeeding; we learn the most from failing. From failing, and from trying again and again to learn how to get it right. If everything was perfect, we'd have nothing to perfect.

It hurts, but I'm learning. You have to hit rock bottom before you can spring off from anything.

I need advice.

Blog readers, I have a quick poll.

My not-posting-about-Colin-mission failed. Because I need some help.

Its freaking November. And almost every night, I go to bed remembering the day in July that he told me he loved me. And I know how this must look, because I'm very bad at painting the situation to parties that don't actually know either of us.

So my questions... How does our strange relationship look from the outside? Should i bother waiting for him? And third... Is this healthy? (its not, is it. -.-)

Sorry to beg for help here but I'm floundering and I'd genuinely love to know your honest thoughts. Again.

If you have an opinion, please share!! Thanks <3

so i'm feelin' stressed, again.

I don't know what it is, but for some reason, before I go to work, I stress out. A lot. That's why I always ask for morning shift. So I have less worry time. My shift starts at 5, and I'm leaving at 4:40, and it's 3:20 now. I have like an hour and 20 minutes to get ready. I've been chilling (stressing) all day long. I don't even know wtf I'm so worried about. It's not like it's my first day.

GAHHH.

And also, NaNoWriMo is stressing me out becuase I'm something like 5000 words behind the daily pacing goals. wtf am i doing this for lol

Either... I need to chill out, or it's back on anxiety meds. which is not what i want.
so... off to cross things off my to do list and take a bubble bath. byeee.

NaNoWriMo

Is when you write a minimum-of-50,000-word novel in 30 days or less. And I'm gonna try my damnedest to do it.

This is actually a really dumb idea seeing as i have really no free time... But you know, I guess I'm out to prove that I can still be dedicated to something that I'm not obligated to do. So, you might or might not see a lot of me over the next month... But here goes!! :)

life is good but i'm the one that's sucking.

I hate, hate, hate, hate this.
I'm up to my ears in nothing. It's the worst!!

Allow me to explain. Here are all the things I've forgotten/put off past the point of no return.

-I haven't gone to work in like two months because of marching band and it's seriously stressing me out.
-I feel like I'm way behind in school because I'm used to being ahead and now I'm not.
-Every other section has section paraphernalia or whatever (hats, shirts) and pit traditionally does jackets, I haven't ordered them yet (because no one's submitted me a design anyway) and the season ends in two weeks.
-Marching band ends in two weeks and for some reason I was like sobbing at the last foot ball game. No one else was and i felt like a baby. But honestly, I think I just needed a good cry.
-Got home at 3 AM from a competition yesterday and it was fucking freezing and I got my foot mashed by a marimba and it's bruised and it hurts. I was so tired after that I even slept with my head against the cold window on a three-hour bus ride on activity buses. And then I woke up at 9 and sat in bed all day pretending to write essays and I feel no more energetic at all. I just feel sick, without being actually sick.
-I suck at maintaining friendships across the board.
-I haven't had an oboe lesson since... hm, april? Jeezus. And I feel guilty about that for some reason.
-Winter drum line auditions are approaching.
-So is All-District. Seeing as I'm not in band this semester my oboe chops suck and I won't be even able to play the piece. Hell, I don't even have a copy.
-Homework and crap I'm not doing.
-I almost posted about Colin but then I remembered I'm not. You're welcome. But still, that doesn't mean he isn't on my mind. Jerk.
-I have mountains of laundry to fold that I just keep putting off.
-College apps to meet by the November 1 dead line.
-And scholarship essays.
-I forgot to go to a mandatory event today for my other internship with the museum of life science. crappp.
-For some reason I've got it drilled into my head that I'm doing NaNoWriMo even though I have neither the time nor the mental energy.
-I can't even look at a book anymore because of AP English. I 'd really like to enjoy reading again without constantly annotating that shit and worrying about writing yet more essays.

So basically... I'm not even doing anything with my days (I literally sat around all day today and I still feel totally stressed), and my head is going to explode. Honestly I kind of wish I was really getting sick, because then I could have an excuse to sit around all day and do nothing guilt free while people feel bad for me and bring me soup and stuff.
I really, really hope the source of all this sluggishness/mental exhaustion/apathy is senioritis and not my actual personality.

So.

I was just scrolling through this blog and unfortunately, it mirrors my life almost exactly. Revolves around Colin lately. How is it that I've become such an insignificant part of his life while he's still the center of mine? How could he do this to me? He said it would never be like this... but it is.

I always say that I'm going to move on. Get over it. I can't tell you how many diary entries I've started, like, today is the day I'm moving past this. Today is the day I'm putting myself first. Today is the day I'm getting over Colin. Today is the day I'll find someone new.

I can't live like this! I can't be a slave to him! God damn it, let me go!

So... my inner psychiatrist says, well, that's a step, you're realizing that you feel trapped by him.
I say, but he hasn't done anything. And yeah. I've realized that almost a month ago and look how far that got me.
You needed some time to heal, soothes my inner psychiatrist. Recovery from a broken heart takes time.
I retort, but this same shit has been going on for months. I'll get super depressed over him, then really ticked off, then I get all righteous like fuck that I don't need your shit and there are plenty of goddam fish in the goddam sea, then he'll do something nice or live me some ambiguous trail of hope and I'll fall right back in love with him.
The inner psychiatrist pauses.
Then I get pissed off and I'm like fuck this shit i'm talking to myself.

So basically... I'm going to try something else. I have no one else to vent to about Colin so that's why I put it on this blog. I know, I'm being completely unreasonable and it's stupid to think that he's the only guy I'll ever meet in my life that I'll love this much.

And the new thing I'm going to try is... I'm not going to post about him. That's it. No more Colin. And I mean it this time. Just like dieting. I'm done this time. If I can keep him off my blog, maybe I can keep him off my mind, and I'll finally be able to stop being like a zombie all the time. My parents are so mad at me because they think I'm so tired and moody all the time because of mental exhaustion from school. Nah. It's emotional exhaustion and confusion trickling into the rest of my life.

So no more of that shit!

I wonder how long this is gonna last.

I brought my own sweatshirt today.

I did that so I wouldn't be tempted to ask Colin for his.

I'm trying to get over him. Desperately. This girl on the colorguard is flirting with him. Even my sister gets a little nice with him, and she has a boyfriend! Suddenly... everyone is all over him and I can't even get close. So I just back up and give him some space. I don't think he even knows. I'm doing all I can to be near him but I know I shouldn't. It's so dumb. I'm so dumb.

But let me actually tell you a bit about him before I burn up and my head explodes. I kind of want to settle this once and for all. This is kind of a post I'm doing for me so nobody feel obligated to read it all. Unless you want to xP

So what does he look like.

Well, he's ridiculously tall - 6 foot 3, and really thin, like it makes me look obese next to him. And he's really strong too. He's got pretty nice arms and pecs and shit. I love it when he picks me up because he treats me like I weigh nothing. ego boost thank you. He's got pretty short brown hair, but when he used to wear it longer, you could tell it's pretty wavy. He has these gorgeous sea green-blue eyes. Like this:

But better. He's got this really cool thing where the freckles on his cheek line up to look like the big dipper. I call him my Star Man or Spaceman or Buck Rogers or something. He usually calls me Care Bear (it sounds like my actual name a bit haha. it was my nickname as a really little girl by an old babysitter) or brown-eyed-girl (like the Van Morrison song :] he used to say he'd listen to it and miss me. that was before his girlfriend, when things were good.)

And he wants to join the air force and fly planes and stuff. And let's see... we want to go to the same college, and he's like all game to go.

Personalitywise... I'd say he's... very hard to describe. At his worst he's childish, insensitive, hard-headed, rash, selfish, unforgiving, and touchy. But most of the time he's really chill. He's chivalrous, generous- actually, I lied, when he's not being hard-headed and slows down enough to really listen to you, he's quite sensitive. He's usually too stupid to know how to cheer youu up, but he cares enough to give you a hug and a cookie. My parents love him because he's always polite and helpful and they think he's "a very good boy." Let's see... He's pretty smart too, not in all AP classes but in several. He's really good at math and history and stuff. But he's failing physics and his grammar and spelling rot.

But now. Why do I like him.

Well… first of all, he’s my best friend, and I know him better than almost anyone. I can trust him with anything. He won’t judge. Too hard. Haha.

Hang on. List time. Color coded by positive/negative- as in, why I do like him and don’t, why I should like him and shouldn’t, etc.

• We understand each other. We always know when the other needs us. It’s this weird connection we have that I can’t put my finger on.
• While we have that special connection of togetherness, there are a few things we share, attitude-wise. I can’t put my finger on those either. I think we both believe in going above and working hard and helping others and stuff. And I think we’d have similar parenting styles. Judge if you want.
• Oh right, Colin doesn’t judge me. =]
• We’re good balances to each other and we could teach the other a lot. It's like... futurewise, I'm Earth and he's sky (I want to study the planet, he wants to fly) but personalitywise it's backwards. I’m a dreamer. Sometimes, I’m fickle and vain and set my sights too high. He’s the solid ground that stabilizes me and pulls me back down to Earth. But sometimes he’s too hard-headed and simple, and I can come up with a solution that he was too narrow-minded to see before. We’re good foils for each other.
• We have very few common interests and tastes. In fact, I’d say that sometimes our tastes are complete  opposites.
• Neither of us is “experienced.” ahem.
• He wants to join the military. I think this is hella admirable and a little bit sexy.
• But this would mean that either I go with him wherever he gets sent, or get left behind. I don’t know if I’d want to raise a family by myself.
• But then again, if he’s happy, I’m happy, and luckily, it’s vice versa.
• He’ll support me. And protect me. And take care of me.
• Also, he’s literally big and strong. That’s a perk too. Since I love it when guys pick you up.
• He’s got a giant soft spot.
• And he’s sweet and sensitive.
• When he’s not busy being an IN-sensitive jerk.
• At the very least, he’s honest and faithful. I suppose that his leaving me hanging is his way of making a conscious effort to stay 100% faithful to his girlfriend. Which I appreciate.
• Most of the time, he’s an immature fool.
• And he has no idea about most of the world.
• While I always lie to cover up, saying I’m the one who needs to grow up… he does too.
• HIS MOTHER. she's a nice lady, but controlling and manipulative and passive-agressive at her worst.
• I actually think it’s cute how he works to escape her and do his own thing. Again, military. Not afraid to defy for good reasons. Love that.
• He’s persistent. He tried again with me. Sort of.
• He has that wink and grin that melt my heart. And the wolfish grin that once a guy flashes me, it's all over and I'm all his.
• He’s younger. (which is against my ideal guy list.)
• Off said list, he fits numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 13, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 24, 25, and 28. So actually, not damn bad.
• He’s quite a good sport.
• And my dad loves him. So does the rest of my family. I think it’s important that a guy gets along with your family.
• He’s richhhhhh. :D hahaha
• But cocky sometimes.
• And naïve.
• Not to mention hardheaded, and sometimes pretty rash.
• He genuinely cares about me, though. And we’ll definitely be friends after college.
• Like my mom always says, it’s important to fight with your fiancée before you get married to see how the other reacts to problems. Me and Colin have had our fair share of “fights.” And we handle them. So that’s good.
• Oh, he wants kids. Yay!
• He knows how to kiss.
• He gets immature about it.
• Fuck it. He’ll go my pace.
• Chivalrous and courteous to a fault!! :D
• Sometimes socially awkward. But he’s in high school, so he’ll probably get over it, I hope.
• He holds grudges like an old prejudiced woman.
• Sometimes he doesn’t know when not to make a joke.
• But he apologizes when he knows he did something wrong.
• And he’ll let you hit him too, which is always satisfying.
• He works out. xD
• And he immaturely takes his shirt off whenever possible so you know. :P
• He thinks with his dick a lot.
• But… he sees love as some permanent thing and doesn’t think relationships are just stupid things to be thrown away.

But yeah. That's that. And that's Colin. Most of the time, I don't know what the hell I see in him... but when I get caught up in whirlwind emotions and bad teenager decisions I'll think of all this and remember. I don't know if it's worth it. I don't know if I should wait for him. I mean, he waited for me, and I finally came around... but too late. We'll have to wait and see haha.

everything is everything.

On mondays, I used to take walks. It's because monday is the only day I get home from school at 3:30 and have time to take a walk in daylight. Autumn is slowly arriving in the South, but the only way you can tell is because the days are shorter. The weather is now threatening to cool down from the usual balmy 74 degrees. Trees here usually turn late and then very fast- right now they look like little green matches with a tiny red flame at the top which will eat them up in a matter of a few weeks.

Today, I decided to start my monday walks up again. I went for exercise because I was tired of being fat, and I brought my iPod with my little pedometer app and went for a jog like a boss. Unfortunately, my iPod died, but I kept the headphones in my ears to keep myself inspired. Eventually, I slowed down and pulled the earbuds out of my ears.

And suddenly... nature.

That was when I kind of just stopped. I was on the greenway; I sat on a manhole cover that jutted out of the grass and looked up at the trees. I feel like I've never missed something so big before. The fact that I'm worrying about being fat and exercising and AP classes and marching band and college applications and work and friends and Colin... and then the fact that all around my little world with all my little life-ending disasters and woes and triumphs and everything in between, the earth keeps spinning... I suddenly feel very small.

My favorite thing in the world is quite possibly leaves. For one, I'm an herbivore and I eat salads like a shark. But they're very beautiful things. Tiny colored leaves on the blacktop crunch beneath your feet- that's nice. I love how in the fall, they paint the world my favorite color, yellow. I love the way they sway in trees, light as air, the way they rustle as the wind whispers through, the way they dapple the ground with soft shadows, and the way they glow when you can look up and see the sunlight through them. They're vibrant, soft, supple, alive, and the best thing is... they come back all new every single year.
 
In the forest, you can hear chirping crickets, patter of squirrels, the soft babble of the stream, peeping of frogs, the flutter of falling leaves, rustle of branches in the breeze, twitter of birds, the shuffle of small unseen creatures, swaying grass, sleepy shade... and in the dull october warmth you can still hear the muted echo of far-off cars and airplanes.
 
I found myself wondering... someday all of this will be gone. And it's sad. We're all going to die one day. And yeah, it sucks, but life goes on. Life always goes on. It's just a fact. And to me, it's sobering, but at the same time, insanely comforting. Left to its own devices, nature always wins. We each as humans create this complicated world of mess with all our little social intricacies and machines and customs and shit, but nature is so simple... does the same crap every year. The leaves come back every year. The stars come back every night. The world will always be the same rock spinning around the same star hurdling through space. We're floating. We're flying.
 
Why am I so worried about everything all the time?
 
I don't mean that fatalistically, as in like why worry if it doesn't even matter. I just realized... no matter what happens, the world will keep turning. And bad shit will happen, and leaves will fall off trees, but they always grow back.
 
Sometimes, life sucks, but mostly, it's pretty damn beautiful.

I really should be doing my lab report for AP BIo...

But I just wanted to take a moment to share with you the absolute beauty of this piece.
I literally get goosebumps every time I hear it. Gahhhhh.
And this is why I will never get an A in AP Biology.

procrastination

has the prefix "pro"
which has a positive connotation
which is odd
because there is nothing pro about procrastination.

And now, the post about college apps.

I'm mad at my mom right now.

She's trying to help me with college applications. The thing is, I've been mentally burned out for almost a month now and I just can't focus on anything for more than three hours. She's literally making me rewrite my entire college application, insisting it isn't good enough and I'll never get in when I act the way I am in writing.

You know what?

Why can I just be me? Why CAN'T I write in my normal voice? Why do I have to put on YET ANOTHER face just to please someone else? Can I be anything other than just a number? Not everyone can be standout all the time, because then.. no one would be standout. I just don't get this.

And the other thing is, I'm tired of not being good enough all the time for her. For the rest of the world. I was Oceana's Junior Ocean Hero finalist.  I got my gold award. I have more recognitions from senators than I can count. Even the Obama administration has sent me a certificate. I'm the percussion captain. I'm in NHS. I'm in all these environmental councils and religious crap. I've got a 4.2 GPA. Really, what more do you want? How can I possibly make myself better by your standards? Why can't you just take the time to look at me as more than a conglomeration of numbers and grades? How can a tiny slice of what I did in high school determine exactly who I'll be in the future?

And my mother doesn't realize ... her writing this with me... My application right now is sounding a lot more like her than me. The last thing I want to do is spend any more time on this... so I'll worry about it later.

But honestly.
I'm tired of the bullshit. I thought that ended in college. I guess not.

And I'm especially tired of the lying. that's what I do all the time. She is telling me to suck it up and stop being so passive in my essays. Well... I'm a passive person. I dont' want to lie about how great I am. Wouldn't I stand out a lot more if everyone else is bragging about themselves and brushing themselves up and I'm just presenting me for me?

Besides, I spend all day bullshitting and lying. I lie my way through friendships. I never tell people what I really feel. I have wrecked so many relationships in my deliberation of my next move and then lying about what I'm thinking. I lie through all my classes, pretending I'm smart, studying my butt off. I lie to my parents, telling them I'm studying and working when I'm really just reading or something. And the only way I can escape my own lies is through other peoples' lies. I read books. I watch Doctor Who. I write my own stories. My life has always been on lies and pretending.

I'm really sick of lies and making shit up.
So long story short...
i'm pissed.
and the world is looking kinda crappy today.
:( :( :(
Oh wait. My mother told me to stop whining all the time. She says I need to grow up and  do it.
Doesn't anyone else see the irony in that? Grow up and lie about yourself? How can that be something we aspire to?

Okay, I could write and rant about this all day, so I better go back and resume my bullshitting now. Byeee!

Octoberrrrrr.

I'm writing this on my iPod. It is just about the coolest shite ever. Like freaking magic! I can just tell I'm going to be one of those grandmas who doesn't know that there is such thing as email and texting. I can just tell. xP I'm just a bit technology-impaired.

But anyway, that's not the point. Typing out a whole blog post would take me hours haha and I totally don't have time or energy for that (I meant to go to sleep like three hours ago...) but I figure I'll give y'all a taste of what I plan on posting... Provided that I get a free second. Cause guess what! The soul searching is not over! and I am not giving up!

First of all, thanks to the lovely people out there on the interwebs who have ever given me help or advice or even the coveted comment. I don't get much attention in my actual life; I mean, no one really stands still long enough to listen to me. So the fact that you're taking several minutes to cheer up a complete stranger, well, you are indeed a fabulous and all-around good sort of person. :)

Anyhow, the posts.
- one about Colin. He's not quite as douchey as I make him sound (I hope.) and I'll just throw some crap up about him and attempt to justify myself for... Okay, *loving* him.
- something about how Doctor Who is literally changing my life. i know how nerdy this sounds.
- perhaps some crap about college.
- I'd like to finish that questions series I was doing; you know, the one with all the impossible questions.
- my apparent love of semicolons.
- why marching band is good but stressful.
- why I'm ready to leave and why I'm not.
- books I'd like to read, movies I'd like to see.
- my sister and I are hopefully getting free flight lessons and might get our licenses. Should be frickin' awesome!!
- perhaps a detailed history of my love life?
- and maybe the essay I wrote for English about why I'm a vegetarian and how it's changed me.

 I'm up to my ears in work, but given the five minute breather, I'll hop on to my lovely little Internet escape and spill my heart to lovely people that actually listen.

Kay my pointer's falling off and iPod is dying- gotta goooo byeeee!

kay so i just realized...

... my life is really, really pathetic.

I've drafted this post a hundred times to try and come up with an interesting way to say it, or perhaps to come off like some tragic, witty, charming genius trapped in a mundane lifestyle, or maybe just to not sound like a total whine bucket like I'm about to. But there is no interesting way to tell you my life story.

That's what I'm realizing from procrastinating on doing college applications. Really. "What makes you stand out from your peers?" Um... I write fan fiction can pretend to play the ukulele. "What is a challenge you have overcome and how has it shaped you as a person?" Well... I pretty much haven't solved any of my problems yet, otherwise I'd be happy as shit. Actually, there was this one time where I got hoplessly lost the first time I drove myself further than twenty miles and I had a mental breakdown and realized at that moment that one day I was going to grow up and one day I was going to die; the spark of that epiphany was just because I got lost this one time. But that's embarrassing and I don't want to put that in an essay. "What qualities do you have to offer to better this college?" I'll probably pretend to study a lot and follow all of your rules and generally not make a scene. You're welcome.

But here's the other thing.
There is also nothing remotely interesting about me. Everyone says that. Or I'm just not special.

In pit, my own section members even joke about that. They call me a not-fun bitch. And they tell me I'm old and fat. I know it's just jokes and sometimes they are pretty funny... but they're right. And it's stupid because I actually feel more alone than I've ever really felt before... I'm kind of tired of pretending to myself about how popular and well liked I've become when in reality, no one would pick me over anyone else, to face it bluntly.

Know what just randomly occured to me today? I don't really have a best friend. I pretend I do but honestly... I'm back to feeling where I wouldn't mind moving to a new place and starting all over. I guess that just means I'm ready for college. But I can't go when I'm this low, feeling this worthless.

I really want to blame Colin for all of this, for not treating me like I'm special. Or all of my bitchy girlfriends who have this fantastic habit of leaving me out of stuff. I really want to blame my sister for just getting everything she wants without trying. I really want to blame my parents for cracking me up to the world to be this great person I pretend to be, while I'm really just some lazy bitch who's pretty good at BS'ing.

and blah blah yada yada I know the only one to blame is myself yada blah blah blah. Yes. I know that. Gah.
Sorry, world, for having next-to-nothing to offer.

I really hope my self-esteem comes back because I've been feeling like this for about two months on and off and it's getting soooo old.

I think I'd like to do NaNoWriMo.

We'll see how well this is going to work.

It starts... in 28 days. November 1. Okay, november, get ready to smd because my novel's gonna be tmi for you and youll be like idk wtf and i'll be like lol smh.

Ha.

I really want my room to be like this.

Holla.

Does this shit happen to anyone else or is it just me?

So I was painting my nails today and the name "Monica Llewellyn" randomly popped into my head. And I was trying to think of where I'd heard it before, because I'm sure I have. Is she a politician? A writer? Or maybe a character in a book?

I googled the name, and nothing came up.

And now, I'm starting to think that maybe I was a part of some conspiracy and my mind got wiped and now my memories are starting to come back.

Perhaps I'm just watching too much Doctor Who.

Edit:
Just kidding. I'm probably thinking of Monica Lewinsky.
Unless that's what they want me to think.....
*ominous music*

So about the soul searching.

I think this is widening my mind quite a bit. My good mood days are a lot more blissful, and my bad mood days are a lot more cynical and stormy. I think this might be good, because learning both sides of the spectrum (or more sides) can allow you to pick your favorite better.

Anyway, for a little over a month now I've been slamming this poor blog with all of my sometimes misguided meditation, speculating, and musing. So physically... here's what's happened to me.
- Colin has been dating her for almost exactly the same amount of time as I started my soul searching.
- I suffered over AP Biology, AP English, and endured the hardships of band practice in blistering heat (which is now succumbing to an early, premature, and absolutely frigid cold).
- My car got broken into and my iPod got stolen.
- My little bff fishie Dylan died. RIP lovey. I'm sorry I had to flush you.
- I watched four new relationships form around me since school started. I'm still flyin' solo. Why does that bug me so much?
- Avoided college applications and SAT/ACT prep.

Most things are still pretty unclear, but here's what I have learned for sure so far:
- The difference between a tourist and a traveler. A tourist seeks a destination, a traveler seeks a journey. Metaphorically speaking, of course. :)
- Sometimes, things don't play out according to your visions...
- But sometimes it's because of stuff you did or didn't do.
- There is no controlling anyone else. No one shapes your destiny but you.
- Oh, my bad, no one has a destiny. You do what you want.
- Sometimes I judge people for doing the same shit I do.
- And sometimes when you want someone to empathize with you, but you don't ever communicate your feelings, then they really would have a hard time with that, so you shouldn't get mad at them.
- You can still find meaning by doing ordinary, mundane things. You don't have to pack your bags and set off for the mountains. (Although that would be nice ^^)

And here are the things I should learn... I think. It's stuff people say. And they're all probably right but I haven't quite wrapped my head around it and accepted it all yet...
- Moving on is natural for everyone?
- After your first love, you'll find love again?
- I create my own opportunities?
- I create my own happiness?
- I am worth something?
- Doing something for myself doesn't equal selfishness?

But yeah that's like my one-monthish report. And now, some lovely pictures which make me happy or inspire me, but mostly both. :)

very bad karma.

Basically if it hadn't already happened I would have had my innocence destroyed today.

First I had to wake up at 5:30 to be at the marching band yard sale at 6. It was cold and rainy, and it's still cold and rainy. I woke up to find my beloved pet fishy dead, and, not having the energy to bury him (in the rain mind you) I flushed him unceremoniously down the toilet. It was bad.

Second, I have to deal with they guy who I kindasorta love telling me how much he's into his girlfriend.

Third, I had to work 11-3, and I have to go back again for 5-9. Got my first paycheck though, which is serving as a huge amount of motivation.

Fourth, some d-bag stole my iPod right out of my car! I'm so mad! Who the fuck does that? I hid it an everything, but so stupidly, I have one of those things where you put some thing into your tape player and it connects to an iPod, and I had that, and dumbly forgot to disconnect it so wham. No more iPod and that's how I'm spending my first paycheck. Only my dad's making me save half so I get to go for several months with no iPod. FMLLLLL!

So basically... I'm no longer allowed to believe that the world is an inherently nice place and everyone dies, and your hard earned money can just slip down the drain, and no matter how many good things you do, bad shit will still happen to you.
What a shitty life lesson to learn.

Questions, part 3

11. What bores you? What always bores you, and what never bores you?
What bores me is... Not doing anything. I can take monotony, as long as I stay busy. It sucks but it's fine. What bores me the most is when I'm just sitting and waiting for something to happen or some day to come. It drives me up a wall. Hm... what always bores me... It's not that waiting bores me. It's just that having absolutely nothing to do bores me. No, it's being stuck in the same place day in and day out that bores me! If I ever went to jail, I'd probably die. They'd have to put me to work or give me lots of books, or I'd just die. Which is why I plan on never getting in trouble with the law. So yeah. I hate summer sometimes because I just get stuck at my house, and I have to go out and drive to the city so my world stps feeling so cramped. Oey. I'd hate not being able to stretch out. I guess I have a big fat wanderlust bug.

12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it, and what income level do you aspire to?
I honestly don't give a shit about money. I know people are supposed to say that if they want to sound like nice good people, but I honestly don't care at all. I'm not a materialistic person. I can live in a cardboard box and be happy as long as I'm with the people I love doing the stuff that I love. My parents think I'm crazy, but all the careers I'm interested in (writing, arts, or marine science or ecology or whatever) have itsy bitsy paychecks, and the guy I'm interested in wants to join the military. So basically we'd be poor. And I'd be fine with that. As long as we're together. Do I want money for my kids? Someday, yeah, maybe I'll get a real job (which would mean sitting in an office all day... boorrriiinnggg...) but until then... I make do with less, which is actually how I'm happier. I prefer thrifting. When I spend too much, I feel guilty anyway.

13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you?
God is an important figure in my life. I spend a lot of time thinking about my religion. But I just realized I have to turn in a chapter study guide tomorrow that I forgot so I'm rushing a bit. Instead, you can dip your toes into this post if you'd really like to know.

14. In order, what are your three strongest interests?
Oh my gosh in order. 0.o Hobbywise? Hm. Nature, art, philanthropy. those are really broad.

15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
I've never had an "enemy," so to speak, until this year, and it's freaking me out a bit that I am actually capable of kind of hating someone. All my entire life I made it a point to be nice to everyone and have no enemies. So that's a bit sad. Anyway, she was my rival candidate for section leader. All throughout my sophomore year, in pit, she was always like, "oh yeah, when I'm section leader next year, blah blah blah," and she always acted so superior to me, and I kind of shrank into the corner, not wanting to step on her toes like, hey... i'm thinking I might try out too. When I made it over her, she got all upset and didn't talk to me for a week, adn her mom pitched a fit so the drum instructor made up this bullshit position called "Equipment Manager" so she could steal my job legally, basically, she just was in charge of putting all the mallets in this box and got super possessive over its key. She would get super offended when I knew how to fix something and she didn't and I'd just do it. She was totally useless and fought me every step. I felt sorry for her, but I didn't have time to teach her how to do her job to just watch her neglect her responsibilities. Even the drum instructor confidentially told me he regrets it and it was a mess. She ended up switching sections when she couldn't get over herself. And now we're stuck in AP Bio together and I have to pretend to be friendly. It's awful. But she's the only person I've legit ever hated because she was just so mean to me and spread rumors and just did bitchy stuff. Gah.

"Global warming is a hot topic."

That's punny. xP

Just thought I'd post that. lol

it's colin's birthday. but whatever no big deal. i made him a cake. and i won't bother you all with stories about him that go nowhere. byeeeeee!

and here is the song that's been stuck in my head like all week.  hell yeah i'm a 90's kid.

blah blah blah blah blah.

Basically I've been repeating my daily life for like a month now and I have literally no interesting things to say. Sighhh.

So here's my week.

Monday. Get up. Go to school. Fret over AP Bio. Maybe go off campus for lunch. Leave school. Study, do homework, etc. Then, marching band practice from 6-9. Possibly drive home a few of my pit kids who don't have a ride. Go home. Make dinner. Study some more, and log on facebook upon brain collapse. Obsess about Colin. go to bed later than the intended time.

Tuesday. Worst day of the week (because, monday is like, oh i get to see my friend again, Wednesday is like, it's hump day... bahahaha and then Thursday is like, tomorrow's Friday! And then Friday's like, it's the weekend, bitch. Tuesday is like. nothing.). Get up. go to school. Fret over AP Bio. Fret over other classes. Go to practice. Drive pit kids. Again. Waste gas. Go run errands. probably. Then do homework. or whatever.

Wednesday. Get up. Go to school. Fret over AP Bio. Leave school as fast as possible to the downtown where I have my internship at a museum caring for animals. Drive back home. It's 45 minutes long. Eat dinner, do homework, worry about no one, then go to bed.

Thursday. See Tuesday.

Friday. Get up. Go to school. Fret over AP Bio. Practice after school for a bit, then football game. Get home way too late. Study. Go to bed, not worrying about anyone.

Saturday. Work 11-2, then 5-9. Homework, studying.

Sunday. Church, homework, studying, working out, church, go to bed too late.

Then that's it.
Boooooorrrrriiiiiinnnnng. If you read that, I'm shocked. Also: congratulations, because that means your life is probably as boring as mine.

Well bai.

I've been planning this crap since I was a little kid.

And I don't know why I'm thinking about it now, but it's fun, so what the hell. Actually, it's cause I saw twenty dollar wedding dresses at Goodwill the other day and seriously almost bought one.

But basically, like any other teenage girl, I've had my wedding planned out since I was ten.

It's going to be kind of small, just family and some close friends. And I don't want a bunch of presents, and I don't want some huge reception.
It's going to be outdoors, somewhere, but nowhere too ridiculous. Maybe a garden, or the beach.
I'm going to wear my mother's dress, provided that neither of my sisters wants it.
The cake is going to have Van Gogh's Starry Night painted on it in icing. It's one of my favorite paintings. :)
I'll slow dance with my dad to My Girl, and he'll probably cry.
And I'll have wildflowers everywhere, and people will blow bubbles instead of throw rice, and we'll sail away on a honeymoon, and life will be great.


The end. <3

Reality check.

I need to shut up and get over it.
ohhhh kthxbai.

A letter I'm quite seriously considering sending.

So basically… the real reason why I said we should wait to date is because I’m afraid. I told you so many lies because I wanted to cover up how serious I really felt. About you. And I’d say we could date right now. Only… okay, honestly, girls break up all the time. Everyone breaks up with their first boyfriend. No one marries their high school sweetheart. It’s stupid. I know; I’m being super dramatic right now. But… I said we should wait because I wanted the chance to… have another first boyfriend. I didn’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to become a fabled “ex.” The reason I like drum line guys so much is because they’re so simple and there’s nothing to lose with them. All they care about is drums, sex, and drugs. So breaking up with one of them, it wouldn’t hurt. I just wanted something fun to practice with, and just waste a few relationships that weren’t even serious… On the flip side, I felt terrible even thinking that so I was always afraid to reach out to someone with the intention of just wasting their hearts. And I didn’t want to throw you away while I struggled with all that. I didn’t want you to be the one I make all my stupid mistakes on, although that’s kind of happening anyway. All the soul searching I did was for you, because things weren’t happening the way I planned and I didn’t have anything fake. So I clung to the only thing that was real to me. You. I’m sorry I bugged you and Kelsey so much. I always got jealous when you dated other girls. Even Katie, freshman year. I just didn’t want to lose you. I know it’s selfish of me, to cling to this vision of the future. I just couldn’t bear to waste you. I don’t want to let you go. Not now, not ever. But that's why I always put you off, and always said no, and always sent you all of those mixed signals. And I’m sorry for playing all these games with you. I'm just always afraid of the stupidest things. And I’m sorry for hurting you. And I totally understand if you want to leave me and my twisted philosophy behind. But I just thought you should know the truth behind all of my meaningless mystery and whatever. And there you have it.

herp derp.

I think you guys should know this- whenever I have AP English, my brain kind of shuts down from writing. haha. so you might not hear from me for a while, especially while I have AP Bio homework to do. Which is every day. *sigh*

Just got Tangled.

LOL see what I did there.
Anyway, a few of my friends are like obsessed with the movie Tangled, and I can understand movie obsessions (I mean look at me... >.>) so I decided, that during the middle of a hurricane, I'd watch it on Netflix. And I did. And now I'm a believer. I converted.

Or maybe I just really wish this-

-would happen to me.

Especially with those lanterns in the back ground :3

things, part 3. (things that hide in my closet.)

And now, a small list of darkish things I keep hidden in my closet behind all my clothes.

1. I used to be an anorexic.

2. My self confidence is small to non-existant.

3. I've bought alcohol without getting carded. Twice. (It was a pina colada. And a spiked daiquiri. But still.)

4. I used to cut. Well, sort of. I would just pick excessively at my scabs because I thought I deserved to bleed. And now, my legs and arms are covered in scars and I regret it.

5. I used to hate myself and want to die every day.

6. I'm in love with my best friend.

7. I've never been kissed.

8. I text while driving. If my parents knew, they'd kill me.

9. I have asthma.

10. A few years ago, I stopped believing in God and turned to Wicca. Now I'm back to mostly Christianity. but. yeah.

11. Most kids my age can't wait for college, but I'm terrified of it.

Questions, part 2.

So I'm finally, for two days, free of the clutches of the fear and pain demon known as AP English 4. (Granted, I still have to tackle the slightly lesser demon known as AP Biology, but whatever). And that means I finally have a moment of free time to continue my soul searching.

Onward!

5. What is it like being you? More precisely, how do you feel about yourself---physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?

Can I come back to that? Sometimes I don't know. Well, it doesn't do any good to run from anything, so I guess I could give it a try. Um... I mean, it feels normal I guess. Honestly, emotionally and spiritually, I feel kind of advanced from other people my age. Sure that sounds egotistical and stupid, but really, lots of kids my age are total atheists because they're too lazy to think about God. I don't know. I feel like... not profound. I don't feel like I've been through this before, like an old soul. Maybe I have. I feel like I had one past life or so. But that's totally not answering the question. Physically, I'm a wimp, and I can't even do a push up. Otherwise I'm healthy. Mentally, well, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, and I'm like manth-dyslexic. Now my boss is making me run inventory and is giving me this crazy numbers system to use that involves painful mental math... fml. Emotionally, I'm okay, normal for a teenager I suppose. Spiritually, not so bad. I know what I believe, so at least that's down. I still don't feel like I answered this question. I still can't keep up a texting conversation with Colin either. It's like I'm not interesting to him anymore. Jeezus I need to learn when to move on.

6. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? How does it feel when you are inspired?
When I am inspired, my mind clears. Right now, my mind is a foggy mess. Usually, music inspires me. Nature and long walks inspire me. I consider inspiration to be a cleared head. I think I inherently like working hard for stuff (wow loser haha) but I can't work when my thoughts are clouded. So clearing my head would enable me to work. So things that clear my head... a bubble bath, a cup of tea, a long walk outside, driving, playing piano, and sometimes just forcing myself to get stuff done, so, if anything, i have less to think about.

7. What is the most important thing in the world to you?
Hm. Unconditional love. Jesus had that. Close families have that. Best friends have that. It is my goal to love everyone, unconditionally, just like Jesus.

8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
Do I know I have one day to live? Does everyone else? Oh, whatever. Well, first, I would wake up at 8 and go for a walk with a friend. Doesn't matter who. I would write letters to people, pick out music for my funeral (haha jk... but no seriously, music is important and i do NOT want people to play the corniest of cliches, amazing grace), I would wear my cutest clothes, I would hug trees, I would hug small animals, I would go wading in a creek, I would take my sisters for ice cream, and in all honestly I'd probably kiss Colin. Because I've never been kissed before. And I have no need to focus on getting over him if I'd be dead.

9. When do you feel most afraid?
Well, in normal scary situations I have this little thing I like to call zen mode, where I just take a deep breath and relax. Whenever lights shut off suddenly and everyone else screams, walking alone at night, getting a really deep cut, etc. I get worried when I think people don't like me. Or when I've done something wrong or to hurt someone. That's when I feel the most afraid. Oh, or when someone is advancing on me with a needle. I've tried very hard, but zen mode does not work in the doctor's office.

10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
I want to be a good example. I want to teach people how to love. I want to teach people kindness and generosity. Maybe that's a few things, because to be a good example I have a lot to learn haha.

a game? i love games! xD

Let's play a quick game.

RULES:

1. Hold breath.
2. Hold down the full stop (.) button.
3. Unhold it when you have to breathe again.
4. GO!!!
........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................*BAH* okay. that was like painful.


Anyway, the main point of this post.
I'm realizing... being an adult must suck, having to get up early and go to work all the time and make money. It makes me sad. Yesterday my mom went shopping and I spent 80 bucks at Charlotte Russe. It's depressing how much the (my) world revolves around money.

Just kidding that wasn't the main point. Secret. There is no main point. lol.
Um. Basically, I still love Colin so much it hurts, I'm still up to my ears in work, school still hasn't started, and I still haven't finished my AP homework. Oh, and I'm getting creeped on by this other guy, who I've already turned down but stilll keeps creeping.
Pretty much FML. haha.
And for the record, I have not touched down in Hawaii or Polynesia. sigh.

(listening to) Beautiful Small Machines, The Cure, The Cars
(location) beddd
(hairstyle) down, with a yellow headband a friend brought from Korea.
(mood) Derp. Uninspired, cynical, bored, oh-well-let's-go-party-instead-but-idk-the-word-for-this

a fighter plane. i am a fighter plane.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting this song entirely... but I think right now it could be my theme song.
I'm past the point of wanting sympathy.
I just want to be a little fighter plane and fly away.
And that's what I'm going to do.
I'll talk to yall when I touch down in Hawaii or Polynesia something. xP

oh my god. you guys.

he told me he lied.

my soul is dead.

religion.

Here's the deal. I don't know what my religion is.

I guess I could call myself an agnostic Christian...? I'm not sure.

Basically, though, I believe there is a higher power out there. Or higher powers. Being raised a Christian, I choose to call it/those God. I could never prove to you His existence, but that doesn't mean I don't believe He does exist- because I do.  However, while I agree with some Christian principles, I think it's wrong to automatically assume that Christianity is the only religion that's right. Or any religion.

When we're dealing with the God I see, there is no one single path to religion. I think that God is the most powerful good imaginable, and I honestly don't think He would want His children to argue about who loves Him more or who He loves more or whatever. There's no reason that I couldn't find God through Hinduism, or Buddhism, or Islam, or Shintoism, or whatever. As long as the religion calls for goodwill towards each other, a higher power, and even oneself, I think it's right.

I pray the rosary because I want to, because I enjoy it, and because I think someone out there is listening. When I go to church, I do it because I want to meditate on my spiritual connection. I read the bible because I like the meaning behind the stories and it teaches good lessons. I don't take it literally. How can we prove those things all really happened, anyway? Scientifically, we can't.

Don't get me wrong. I have a deep admiration for those devout Christians who are at church every sunday, or those super intense Buddhist monks seeking enlightenment, or anyone from any religion who truly believes in that religion. I think that's great and I don't think any of them are wrong, because, like I said, I don't believe there is only one path to God. I just really hate to see people bashing each other over religion. I just don't think that's what God wants. Of course, I can't interpret God, just like I can't prove Him, but still. :)

On that note, though, I don't think anyone else should be able to tell me what God wants. The only thing any of us can do is guess. So those people who "haven't seen but believe," yeah, that's really great that you have such strong faith in God, but... honestly, how good is that for our society to never question anything? To just follow blindly because some dude said that it's the word of God? I think following blindly is dangerous, and no one should tell you what YOU believe. You should decide that for yourself; your mind and your beliefs are your own, and the gift of free will, I believe, is a gift from God. So we should use it wisely.

Also, I don't believe in Hell and stuff. People ask me, what do you think about natural disasters and stuff? If God is so good, why does that happen? Okay. Natural disasters, I think, are science, not religion. Same for birth defects and accidents. It's all really unfortunate and it sucks, but they can be explained. There's no mystery. Science is science, God is religious. I believe God has no control over any of us, he is only our loving creator who shapes our souls. God isn't science, so I think it's unfair to blame God for that. God shaped the earth and physics, and this is just what happens when they mix. On that note, if religion could be explained by science, there would be no religion. If science could be explained by religion, there would be no science. They can't mix. It's yin and yang, so to speak. That's what I love about faith. You just gotta know God is out there.

People ask, so why is there evil in the world, if you don't believe in Hell? Free will. I think that people can choose to do good or evil. If they choose to do evil... well. There you go. So what's my opinion on Satanists? If I believe everyone can be right? Well... they can too, I guess, but what they seek for is not the path to God or spiritual enlightenment or whatever, so I don't believe they can find Him that way. That's all.

Also, I believe in reincarnation. God, I think, is a forgiving guy; why should He only give us one chance if we mess up before sending us to suffer eternally in hell? That's a little harsh for the ultimate good guy. I think that God puts us in the life where we can learn the most. I mean, life is such a complex mystery, I just don't think it's possible to learn all its lessons in one life anyway. And then that's it. We're here to learn the lessons Life has to offer, so we can be worthy of spending eternity with the highest good, God Himself.

And that's all I have to say. So basically, I'm an agnostic with Christian tendencies? Or a Christian with agnostic tendencies? Hahaha. I don't know.

Questions, part 1.

So a long while back someone left the following questions in one of the comments to aid me in my soul searching. (Thanks, by the way :D)

I might not be able to post in the next few days, because, guess what? I'm working! Yayyyyy. I have a job and they actually want me to come back. Yay! yay yay yay no more rejection! This is like super awesome. Who thought a part time job earning minimum wage washing dishes and being a customer's bitch would be so exciting. :D

Anyway, I just wanted to share my meditations over a couple of those questions that I was given.

1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
Aw damn. I knew this was coming. There are a few I have to narrow it down. First, my mother. For a while, I had an intense attachment to her, like a little baby with separation anxiety. I think that's why separation from my family at governor's school was so bad for me. People always tell us we are exactly alike; we look alike at this age, we sound alike on the phone, we have the same mannerisms, we act alike... I don't know if I modeled myself after her or not. I never think about being like my mother. It just happens. She is someone I always turn to with most of my problems. I don't have many secrets from her.

Second, my sister. The middle one. She's closer in age to me than my other sister. She's two years younger (the other is five). And she's the one whose shadow I live in, literally sometimes haha. She's about 5 inches taller than me. I don't have many secrets from her either. But she's always got my back. She always defends me and always helps silently. She's very supportive and we always have fun together. I'd actually go and hang out with her now and then. We have similar groups of friends, and hang out with each other's friends and stuff, and I don't mind driving her around. We're polar opposites, though. I'm the dreamer and she's the logical one who always is the voice of reason to bring me back to earth.

Third, I know you guys might want to spit at me or start throwing pointy objects, but Colin. Regardless of what a jerk he's been about this whole thing in the past month. He's honestly one of my best friends. He'll love me unconditionally. I don't mean romantically, i mean deeper than that. He was always there for me freshman year when I went through my self-harm and anorexia and whatever. He was ALWAYS there when no one else was. And he is still always here on the sidelines. Sure, he's a moron, but he's probably a friend I'll have for life. And he has changed me and taught me a lot. Almost none of my girlfriends like him, but he's more of a true friend than most of them, so I learn to balance and he's teaching me what is truly important in a friend.

Fourth, my friend Taylor. She and I have been friends since we were toddlers- the story goes, we were the only two in the class that could talk. I don't know how true this is haha. We rarely talk now because we're both so busy with so many different activities, but we really shaped each others' childhoods a lot and we were sooo similar when we were younger. If we'd never met, I think both of us would be very different people. Also, I have no doubt that she'll also be a forever friend. So that's that.

I don't know which one to pick, because they're all really important. Maybe I'll get back to you later on that.

2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
I want to have kids. Really bad. I can't wait to show someone the world. I can't wait to love someone unconditionally and have them love me back. I can't wait to fully devote my life to someone who will be fully dependent on me and my future husband. I can't wait to create my own little person, just like God. I can't wait to assist God in a miracle. I really really really can't wait. Like I would have a kid, right now. I am readyyyy. At least, emotionally ready. Perhaps not everything else.

3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you angry?
I'm going to try to do this fairly, disregarding who I'm angry at now. *ahem.* People who make me angriest are people who get stuff without working hard. I hate favoritism. So much. Don't even get me on my soapbox. It's just that I work my ass of and then they have the nerve to steal all the credit. That makes me so mad. Also, people who are bigoted and closed-minded and inflammatory towards those who are different from them. I can't stand people like that either.

4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you feel so loveable?
God these questions really do bite to the soul. I can't say Colin again. I don't want to. I'd say my parents, only this'll sound really dumb and unappreciative. It's just that, while I appreciate the gestures and all, parents are supposed to love you and tell you how pretty and great you are. When it comes from your best friend who happens to be a guy... it means a lot more. Especially when he's so stupid and terrible at giving compliments. When we were at the beach and we were like... wrapped up in each other on a couch watching Lord of the Rings, there was nothing better. Nothing. I could feel his heart beat through his chest, in the same time as mine, like we were in some stupid corny-ass love song. He put his arm around me. I put my head on his chest. He put his head on mine. God. It was soooo nice. He was completely comfortable with me; I was completely comfortable with him. What we could have had, what he said we were going to have, god, it's just going to kill me. What was it, though? Anyone can put their arms around you. I guess it's because, it's your best friend. There's so much between us we don't say. We would die for each other.
 
And I think I'll stop there haha.