I was just scrolling through this blog and unfortunately, it mirrors my life almost exactly. Revolves around Colin lately. How is it that I've become such an insignificant part of his life while he's still the center of mine? How could he do this to me? He said it would never be like this... but it is.
I always say that I'm going to move on. Get over it. I can't tell you how many diary entries I've started, like, today is the day I'm moving past this. Today is the day I'm putting myself first. Today is the day I'm getting over Colin. Today is the day I'll find someone new.
I can't live like this! I can't be a slave to him! God damn it, let me go!
So... my inner psychiatrist says, well, that's a step, you're realizing that you feel trapped by him.
I say, but he hasn't done anything. And yeah. I've realized that almost a month ago and look how far that got me.
You needed some time to heal, soothes my inner psychiatrist. Recovery from a broken heart takes time.
I retort, but this same shit has been going on for months. I'll get super depressed over him, then really ticked off, then I get all righteous like fuck that I don't need your shit and there are plenty of goddam fish in the goddam sea, then he'll do something nice or live me some ambiguous trail of hope and I'll fall right back in love with him.
The inner psychiatrist pauses.
Then I get pissed off and I'm like fuck this shit i'm talking to myself.
So basically... I'm going to try something else. I have no one else to vent to about Colin so that's why I put it on this blog. I know, I'm being completely unreasonable and it's stupid to think that he's the only guy I'll ever meet in my life that I'll love this much.
And the new thing I'm going to try is... I'm not going to post about him. That's it. No more Colin. And I mean it this time. Just like dieting. I'm done this time. If I can keep him off my blog, maybe I can keep him off my mind, and I'll finally be able to stop being like a zombie all the time. My parents are so mad at me because they think I'm so tired and moody all the time because of mental exhaustion from school. Nah. It's emotional exhaustion and confusion trickling into the rest of my life.
So no more of that shit!
I wonder how long this is gonna last.
2 comments:
Boys are basically awful.
You MUST watch The Holiday! It is a movie and I think you are like Iris. You are acting like the "best friend" but you are actually the "leading lady!" :) You MUST be the leading lady for your own life, for goodness sakes! Iris is lovely and I believe that you are as well, unfortunately you have a guy that plays with your heart. He can be a total d-bag because he knows that he can, but then... when he knows he is losing you, he can be the sweetest, and it is SO easy to fall back into it and completely forget about all the mean things he has done! It is a horrible cycle! And.. I am so sorry that you are going through this! My only advice is silly, but could quite possibly help. So WATCH The Holiday! PLUS! Jude Law is in it and he is a gorgeous! :) Thinkin' of you, girly!
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