8.29.2011
herp derp.
I think you guys should know this- whenever I have AP English, my brain kind of shuts down from writing. haha. so you might not hear from me for a while, especially while I have AP Bio homework to do. Which is every day. *sigh*
8.27.2011
Just got Tangled.
LOL see what I did there.
Anyway, a few of my friends are like obsessed with the movie Tangled, and I can understand movie obsessions (I mean look at me... >.>) so I decided, that during the middle of a hurricane, I'd watch it on Netflix. And I did. And now I'm a believer. I converted.
-would happen to me.
Anyway, a few of my friends are like obsessed with the movie Tangled, and I can understand movie obsessions (I mean look at me... >.>) so I decided, that during the middle of a hurricane, I'd watch it on Netflix. And I did. And now I'm a believer. I converted.
Or maybe I just really wish this-
-would happen to me.
Especially with those lanterns in the back ground :3
8.25.2011
things, part 3. (things that hide in my closet.)
And now, a small list of darkish things I keep hidden in my closet behind all my clothes.
1. I used to be an anorexic.
2. My self confidence is small to non-existant.
3. I've bought alcohol without getting carded. Twice. (It was a pina colada. And a spiked daiquiri. But still.)
4. I used to cut. Well, sort of. I would just pick excessively at my scabs because I thought I deserved to bleed. And now, my legs and arms are covered in scars and I regret it.
5. I used to hate myself and want to die every day.
6. I'm in love with my best friend.
7. I've never been kissed.
8. I text while driving. If my parents knew, they'd kill me.
9. I have asthma.
10. A few years ago, I stopped believing in God and turned to Wicca. Now I'm back to mostly Christianity. but. yeah.
11. Most kids my age can't wait for college, but I'm terrified of it.
1. I used to be an anorexic.
2. My self confidence is small to non-existant.
3. I've bought alcohol without getting carded. Twice. (It was a pina colada. And a spiked daiquiri. But still.)
4. I used to cut. Well, sort of. I would just pick excessively at my scabs because I thought I deserved to bleed. And now, my legs and arms are covered in scars and I regret it.
5. I used to hate myself and want to die every day.
6. I'm in love with my best friend.
7. I've never been kissed.
8. I text while driving. If my parents knew, they'd kill me.
9. I have asthma.
10. A few years ago, I stopped believing in God and turned to Wicca. Now I'm back to mostly Christianity. but. yeah.
11. Most kids my age can't wait for college, but I'm terrified of it.
8.23.2011
Questions, part 2.
So I'm finally, for two days, free of the clutches of the fear and pain demon known as AP English 4. (Granted, I still have to tackle the slightly lesser demon known as AP Biology, but whatever). And that means I finally have a moment of free time to continue my soul searching.
Onward!
5. What is it like being you? More precisely, how do you feel about yourself---physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
Can I come back to that? Sometimes I don't know. Well, it doesn't do any good to run from anything, so I guess I could give it a try. Um... I mean, it feels normal I guess. Honestly, emotionally and spiritually, I feel kind of advanced from other people my age. Sure that sounds egotistical and stupid, but really, lots of kids my age are total atheists because they're too lazy to think about God. I don't know. I feel like... not profound. I don't feel like I've been through this before, like an old soul. Maybe I have. I feel like I had one past life or so. But that's totally not answering the question. Physically, I'm a wimp, and I can't even do a push up. Otherwise I'm healthy. Mentally, well, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, and I'm like manth-dyslexic. Now my boss is making me run inventory and is giving me this crazy numbers system to use that involves painful mental math... fml. Emotionally, I'm okay, normal for a teenager I suppose. Spiritually, not so bad. I know what I believe, so at least that's down. I still don't feel like I answered this question. I still can't keep up a texting conversation with Colin either. It's like I'm not interesting to him anymore. Jeezus I need to learn when to move on.
6. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? How does it feel when you are inspired?
When I am inspired, my mind clears. Right now, my mind is a foggy mess. Usually, music inspires me. Nature and long walks inspire me. I consider inspiration to be a cleared head. I think I inherently like working hard for stuff (wow loser haha) but I can't work when my thoughts are clouded. So clearing my head would enable me to work. So things that clear my head... a bubble bath, a cup of tea, a long walk outside, driving, playing piano, and sometimes just forcing myself to get stuff done, so, if anything, i have less to think about.
7. What is the most important thing in the world to you?
Hm. Unconditional love. Jesus had that. Close families have that. Best friends have that. It is my goal to love everyone, unconditionally, just like Jesus.
8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
Do I know I have one day to live? Does everyone else? Oh, whatever. Well, first, I would wake up at 8 and go for a walk with a friend. Doesn't matter who. I would write letters to people, pick out music for my funeral (haha jk... but no seriously, music is important and i do NOT want people to play the corniest of cliches, amazing grace), I would wear my cutest clothes, I would hug trees, I would hug small animals, I would go wading in a creek, I would take my sisters for ice cream, and in all honestly I'd probably kiss Colin. Because I've never been kissed before. And I have no need to focus on getting over him if I'd be dead.
9. When do you feel most afraid?
Well, in normal scary situations I have this little thing I like to call zen mode, where I just take a deep breath and relax. Whenever lights shut off suddenly and everyone else screams, walking alone at night, getting a really deep cut, etc. I get worried when I think people don't like me. Or when I've done something wrong or to hurt someone. That's when I feel the most afraid. Oh, or when someone is advancing on me with a needle. I've tried very hard, but zen mode does not work in the doctor's office.
10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
I want to be a good example. I want to teach people how to love. I want to teach people kindness and generosity. Maybe that's a few things, because to be a good example I have a lot to learn haha.
Onward!
5. What is it like being you? More precisely, how do you feel about yourself---physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
Can I come back to that? Sometimes I don't know. Well, it doesn't do any good to run from anything, so I guess I could give it a try. Um... I mean, it feels normal I guess. Honestly, emotionally and spiritually, I feel kind of advanced from other people my age. Sure that sounds egotistical and stupid, but really, lots of kids my age are total atheists because they're too lazy to think about God. I don't know. I feel like... not profound. I don't feel like I've been through this before, like an old soul. Maybe I have. I feel like I had one past life or so. But that's totally not answering the question. Physically, I'm a wimp, and I can't even do a push up. Otherwise I'm healthy. Mentally, well, I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, and I'm like manth-dyslexic. Now my boss is making me run inventory and is giving me this crazy numbers system to use that involves painful mental math... fml. Emotionally, I'm okay, normal for a teenager I suppose. Spiritually, not so bad. I know what I believe, so at least that's down. I still don't feel like I answered this question. I still can't keep up a texting conversation with Colin either. It's like I'm not interesting to him anymore. Jeezus I need to learn when to move on.
6. When do you feel inspired? Who and what contribute to your sense of inspiration? How does it feel when you are inspired?
When I am inspired, my mind clears. Right now, my mind is a foggy mess. Usually, music inspires me. Nature and long walks inspire me. I consider inspiration to be a cleared head. I think I inherently like working hard for stuff (wow loser haha) but I can't work when my thoughts are clouded. So clearing my head would enable me to work. So things that clear my head... a bubble bath, a cup of tea, a long walk outside, driving, playing piano, and sometimes just forcing myself to get stuff done, so, if anything, i have less to think about.
7. What is the most important thing in the world to you?
Hm. Unconditional love. Jesus had that. Close families have that. Best friends have that. It is my goal to love everyone, unconditionally, just like Jesus.
8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
Do I know I have one day to live? Does everyone else? Oh, whatever. Well, first, I would wake up at 8 and go for a walk with a friend. Doesn't matter who. I would write letters to people, pick out music for my funeral (haha jk... but no seriously, music is important and i do NOT want people to play the corniest of cliches, amazing grace), I would wear my cutest clothes, I would hug trees, I would hug small animals, I would go wading in a creek, I would take my sisters for ice cream, and in all honestly I'd probably kiss Colin. Because I've never been kissed before. And I have no need to focus on getting over him if I'd be dead.
9. When do you feel most afraid?
Well, in normal scary situations I have this little thing I like to call zen mode, where I just take a deep breath and relax. Whenever lights shut off suddenly and everyone else screams, walking alone at night, getting a really deep cut, etc. I get worried when I think people don't like me. Or when I've done something wrong or to hurt someone. That's when I feel the most afraid. Oh, or when someone is advancing on me with a needle. I've tried very hard, but zen mode does not work in the doctor's office.
10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
I want to be a good example. I want to teach people how to love. I want to teach people kindness and generosity. Maybe that's a few things, because to be a good example I have a lot to learn haha.
8.21.2011
a game? i love games! xD
Let's play a quick game.
RULES:
1. Hold breath.
2. Hold down the full stop (.) button.
3. Unhold it when you have to breathe again.
4. GO!!!
........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................*BAH* okay. that was like painful.
Anyway, the main point of this post.
I'm realizing... being an adult must suck, having to get up early and go to work all the time and make money. It makes me sad. Yesterday my mom went shopping and I spent 80 bucks at Charlotte Russe. It's depressing how much the (my) world revolves around money.
Just kidding that wasn't the main point. Secret. There is no main point. lol.
Um. Basically, I still love Colin so much it hurts, I'm still up to my ears in work, school still hasn't started, and I still haven't finished my AP homework. Oh, and I'm getting creeped on by this other guy, who I've already turned down but stilll keeps creeping.
Pretty much FML. haha.
And for the record, I have not touched down in Hawaii or Polynesia. sigh.
(listening to) Beautiful Small Machines, The Cure, The Cars
(location) beddd
(hairstyle) down, with a yellow headband a friend brought from Korea.
(mood) Derp. Uninspired, cynical, bored, oh-well-let's-go-party-instead-but-idk-the-word-for-this
RULES:
1. Hold breath.
2. Hold down the full stop (.) button.
3. Unhold it when you have to breathe again.
4. GO!!!
........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................*BAH* okay. that was like painful.
Anyway, the main point of this post.
I'm realizing... being an adult must suck, having to get up early and go to work all the time and make money. It makes me sad. Yesterday my mom went shopping and I spent 80 bucks at Charlotte Russe. It's depressing how much the (my) world revolves around money.
Just kidding that wasn't the main point. Secret. There is no main point. lol.
Um. Basically, I still love Colin so much it hurts, I'm still up to my ears in work, school still hasn't started, and I still haven't finished my AP homework. Oh, and I'm getting creeped on by this other guy, who I've already turned down but stilll keeps creeping.
Pretty much FML. haha.
And for the record, I have not touched down in Hawaii or Polynesia. sigh.
(listening to) Beautiful Small Machines, The Cure, The Cars
(location) beddd
(hairstyle) down, with a yellow headband a friend brought from Korea.
(mood) Derp. Uninspired, cynical, bored, oh-well-let's-go-party-instead-but-idk-the-word-for-this
8.18.2011
a fighter plane. i am a fighter plane.
Maybe I'm misinterpreting this song entirely... but I think right now it could be my theme song.
I'm past the point of wanting sympathy.
I just want to be a little fighter plane and fly away.
And that's what I'm going to do.
I'll talk to yall when I touch down in Hawaii or Polynesia something. xP
8.17.2011
religion.
Here's the deal. I don't know what my religion is.
I guess I could call myself an agnostic Christian...? I'm not sure.
Basically, though, I believe there is a higher power out there. Or higher powers. Being raised a Christian, I choose to call it/those God. I could never prove to you His existence, but that doesn't mean I don't believe He does exist- because I do. However, while I agree with some Christian principles, I think it's wrong to automatically assume that Christianity is the only religion that's right. Or any religion.
When we're dealing with the God I see, there is no one single path to religion. I think that God is the most powerful good imaginable, and I honestly don't think He would want His children to argue about who loves Him more or who He loves more or whatever. There's no reason that I couldn't find God through Hinduism, or Buddhism, or Islam, or Shintoism, or whatever. As long as the religion calls for goodwill towards each other, a higher power, and even oneself, I think it's right.
I pray the rosary because I want to, because I enjoy it, and because I think someone out there is listening. When I go to church, I do it because I want to meditate on my spiritual connection. I read the bible because I like the meaning behind the stories and it teaches good lessons. I don't take it literally. How can we prove those things all really happened, anyway? Scientifically, we can't.
Don't get me wrong. I have a deep admiration for those devout Christians who are at church every sunday, or those super intense Buddhist monks seeking enlightenment, or anyone from any religion who truly believes in that religion. I think that's great and I don't think any of them are wrong, because, like I said, I don't believe there is only one path to God. I just really hate to see people bashing each other over religion. I just don't think that's what God wants. Of course, I can't interpret God, just like I can't prove Him, but still. :)
On that note, though, I don't think anyone else should be able to tell me what God wants. The only thing any of us can do is guess. So those people who "haven't seen but believe," yeah, that's really great that you have such strong faith in God, but... honestly, how good is that for our society to never question anything? To just follow blindly because some dude said that it's the word of God? I think following blindly is dangerous, and no one should tell you what YOU believe. You should decide that for yourself; your mind and your beliefs are your own, and the gift of free will, I believe, is a gift from God. So we should use it wisely.
Also, I don't believe in Hell and stuff. People ask me, what do you think about natural disasters and stuff? If God is so good, why does that happen? Okay. Natural disasters, I think, are science, not religion. Same for birth defects and accidents. It's all really unfortunate and it sucks, but they can be explained. There's no mystery. Science is science, God is religious. I believe God has no control over any of us, he is only our loving creator who shapes our souls. God isn't science, so I think it's unfair to blame God for that. God shaped the earth and physics, and this is just what happens when they mix. On that note, if religion could be explained by science, there would be no religion. If science could be explained by religion, there would be no science. They can't mix. It's yin and yang, so to speak. That's what I love about faith. You just gotta know God is out there.
People ask, so why is there evil in the world, if you don't believe in Hell? Free will. I think that people can choose to do good or evil. If they choose to do evil... well. There you go. So what's my opinion on Satanists? If I believe everyone can be right? Well... they can too, I guess, but what they seek for is not the path to God or spiritual enlightenment or whatever, so I don't believe they can find Him that way. That's all.
Also, I believe in reincarnation. God, I think, is a forgiving guy; why should He only give us one chance if we mess up before sending us to suffer eternally in hell? That's a little harsh for the ultimate good guy. I think that God puts us in the life where we can learn the most. I mean, life is such a complex mystery, I just don't think it's possible to learn all its lessons in one life anyway. And then that's it. We're here to learn the lessons Life has to offer, so we can be worthy of spending eternity with the highest good, God Himself.
And that's all I have to say. So basically, I'm an agnostic with Christian tendencies? Or a Christian with agnostic tendencies? Hahaha. I don't know.
I guess I could call myself an agnostic Christian...? I'm not sure.
Basically, though, I believe there is a higher power out there. Or higher powers. Being raised a Christian, I choose to call it/those God. I could never prove to you His existence, but that doesn't mean I don't believe He does exist- because I do. However, while I agree with some Christian principles, I think it's wrong to automatically assume that Christianity is the only religion that's right. Or any religion.
When we're dealing with the God I see, there is no one single path to religion. I think that God is the most powerful good imaginable, and I honestly don't think He would want His children to argue about who loves Him more or who He loves more or whatever. There's no reason that I couldn't find God through Hinduism, or Buddhism, or Islam, or Shintoism, or whatever. As long as the religion calls for goodwill towards each other, a higher power, and even oneself, I think it's right.
I pray the rosary because I want to, because I enjoy it, and because I think someone out there is listening. When I go to church, I do it because I want to meditate on my spiritual connection. I read the bible because I like the meaning behind the stories and it teaches good lessons. I don't take it literally. How can we prove those things all really happened, anyway? Scientifically, we can't.
Don't get me wrong. I have a deep admiration for those devout Christians who are at church every sunday, or those super intense Buddhist monks seeking enlightenment, or anyone from any religion who truly believes in that religion. I think that's great and I don't think any of them are wrong, because, like I said, I don't believe there is only one path to God. I just really hate to see people bashing each other over religion. I just don't think that's what God wants. Of course, I can't interpret God, just like I can't prove Him, but still. :)
On that note, though, I don't think anyone else should be able to tell me what God wants. The only thing any of us can do is guess. So those people who "haven't seen but believe," yeah, that's really great that you have such strong faith in God, but... honestly, how good is that for our society to never question anything? To just follow blindly because some dude said that it's the word of God? I think following blindly is dangerous, and no one should tell you what YOU believe. You should decide that for yourself; your mind and your beliefs are your own, and the gift of free will, I believe, is a gift from God. So we should use it wisely.
Also, I don't believe in Hell and stuff. People ask me, what do you think about natural disasters and stuff? If God is so good, why does that happen? Okay. Natural disasters, I think, are science, not religion. Same for birth defects and accidents. It's all really unfortunate and it sucks, but they can be explained. There's no mystery. Science is science, God is religious. I believe God has no control over any of us, he is only our loving creator who shapes our souls. God isn't science, so I think it's unfair to blame God for that. God shaped the earth and physics, and this is just what happens when they mix. On that note, if religion could be explained by science, there would be no religion. If science could be explained by religion, there would be no science. They can't mix. It's yin and yang, so to speak. That's what I love about faith. You just gotta know God is out there.
People ask, so why is there evil in the world, if you don't believe in Hell? Free will. I think that people can choose to do good or evil. If they choose to do evil... well. There you go. So what's my opinion on Satanists? If I believe everyone can be right? Well... they can too, I guess, but what they seek for is not the path to God or spiritual enlightenment or whatever, so I don't believe they can find Him that way. That's all.
Also, I believe in reincarnation. God, I think, is a forgiving guy; why should He only give us one chance if we mess up before sending us to suffer eternally in hell? That's a little harsh for the ultimate good guy. I think that God puts us in the life where we can learn the most. I mean, life is such a complex mystery, I just don't think it's possible to learn all its lessons in one life anyway. And then that's it. We're here to learn the lessons Life has to offer, so we can be worthy of spending eternity with the highest good, God Himself.
And that's all I have to say. So basically, I'm an agnostic with Christian tendencies? Or a Christian with agnostic tendencies? Hahaha. I don't know.
8.16.2011
Questions, part 1.
So a long while back someone left the following questions in one of the comments to aid me in my soul searching. (Thanks, by the way :D)
I might not be able to post in the next few days, because, guess what? I'm working! Yayyyyy. I have a job and they actually want me to come back. Yay! yay yay yay no more rejection! This is like super awesome. Who thought a part time job earning minimum wage washing dishes and being a customer's bitch would be so exciting. :D
Anyway, I just wanted to share my meditations over a couple of those questions that I was given.
1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
Aw damn. I knew this was coming. There are a few I have to narrow it down. First, my mother. For a while, I had an intense attachment to her, like a little baby with separation anxiety. I think that's why separation from my family at governor's school was so bad for me. People always tell us we are exactly alike; we look alike at this age, we sound alike on the phone, we have the same mannerisms, we act alike... I don't know if I modeled myself after her or not. I never think about being like my mother. It just happens. She is someone I always turn to with most of my problems. I don't have many secrets from her.
Second, my sister. The middle one. She's closer in age to me than my other sister. She's two years younger (the other is five). And she's the one whose shadow I live in, literally sometimes haha. She's about 5 inches taller than me. I don't have many secrets from her either. But she's always got my back. She always defends me and always helps silently. She's very supportive and we always have fun together. I'd actually go and hang out with her now and then. We have similar groups of friends, and hang out with each other's friends and stuff, and I don't mind driving her around. We're polar opposites, though. I'm the dreamer and she's the logical one who always is the voice of reason to bring me back to earth.
Third, I know you guys might want to spit at me or start throwing pointy objects, but Colin. Regardless of what a jerk he's been about this whole thing in the past month. He's honestly one of my best friends. He'll love me unconditionally. I don't mean romantically, i mean deeper than that. He was always there for me freshman year when I went through my self-harm and anorexia and whatever. He was ALWAYS there when no one else was. And he is still always here on the sidelines. Sure, he's a moron, but he's probably a friend I'll have for life. And he has changed me and taught me a lot. Almost none of my girlfriends like him, but he's more of a true friend than most of them, so I learn to balance and he's teaching me what is truly important in a friend.
Fourth, my friend Taylor. She and I have been friends since we were toddlers- the story goes, we were the only two in the class that could talk. I don't know how true this is haha. We rarely talk now because we're both so busy with so many different activities, but we really shaped each others' childhoods a lot and we were sooo similar when we were younger. If we'd never met, I think both of us would be very different people. Also, I have no doubt that she'll also be a forever friend. So that's that.
I don't know which one to pick, because they're all really important. Maybe I'll get back to you later on that.
2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
I want to have kids. Really bad. I can't wait to show someone the world. I can't wait to love someone unconditionally and have them love me back. I can't wait to fully devote my life to someone who will be fully dependent on me and my future husband. I can't wait to create my own little person, just like God. I can't wait to assist God in a miracle. I really really really can't wait. Like I would have a kid, right now. I am readyyyy. At least, emotionally ready. Perhaps not everything else.
3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you angry?
I'm going to try to do this fairly, disregarding who I'm angry at now. *ahem.* People who make me angriest are people who get stuff without working hard. I hate favoritism. So much. Don't even get me on my soapbox. It's just that I work my ass of and then they have the nerve to steal all the credit. That makes me so mad. Also, people who are bigoted and closed-minded and inflammatory towards those who are different from them. I can't stand people like that either.
4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you feel so loveable?
God these questions really do bite to the soul. I can't say Colin again. I don't want to. I'd say my parents, only this'll sound really dumb and unappreciative. It's just that, while I appreciate the gestures and all, parents are supposed to love you and tell you how pretty and great you are. When it comes from your best friend who happens to be a guy... it means a lot more. Especially when he's so stupid and terrible at giving compliments. When we were at the beach and we were like... wrapped up in each other on a couch watching Lord of the Rings, there was nothing better. Nothing. I could feel his heart beat through his chest, in the same time as mine, like we were in some stupid corny-ass love song. He put his arm around me. I put my head on his chest. He put his head on mine. God. It was soooo nice. He was completely comfortable with me; I was completely comfortable with him. What we could have had, what he said we were going to have, god, it's just going to kill me. What was it, though? Anyone can put their arms around you. I guess it's because, it's your best friend. There's so much between us we don't say. We would die for each other.
And I think I'll stop there haha.
I might not be able to post in the next few days, because, guess what? I'm working! Yayyyyy. I have a job and they actually want me to come back. Yay! yay yay yay no more rejection! This is like super awesome. Who thought a part time job earning minimum wage washing dishes and being a customer's bitch would be so exciting. :D
Anyway, I just wanted to share my meditations over a couple of those questions that I was given.
1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
Aw damn. I knew this was coming. There are a few I have to narrow it down. First, my mother. For a while, I had an intense attachment to her, like a little baby with separation anxiety. I think that's why separation from my family at governor's school was so bad for me. People always tell us we are exactly alike; we look alike at this age, we sound alike on the phone, we have the same mannerisms, we act alike... I don't know if I modeled myself after her or not. I never think about being like my mother. It just happens. She is someone I always turn to with most of my problems. I don't have many secrets from her.
Second, my sister. The middle one. She's closer in age to me than my other sister. She's two years younger (the other is five). And she's the one whose shadow I live in, literally sometimes haha. She's about 5 inches taller than me. I don't have many secrets from her either. But she's always got my back. She always defends me and always helps silently. She's very supportive and we always have fun together. I'd actually go and hang out with her now and then. We have similar groups of friends, and hang out with each other's friends and stuff, and I don't mind driving her around. We're polar opposites, though. I'm the dreamer and she's the logical one who always is the voice of reason to bring me back to earth.
Third, I know you guys might want to spit at me or start throwing pointy objects, but Colin. Regardless of what a jerk he's been about this whole thing in the past month. He's honestly one of my best friends. He'll love me unconditionally. I don't mean romantically, i mean deeper than that. He was always there for me freshman year when I went through my self-harm and anorexia and whatever. He was ALWAYS there when no one else was. And he is still always here on the sidelines. Sure, he's a moron, but he's probably a friend I'll have for life. And he has changed me and taught me a lot. Almost none of my girlfriends like him, but he's more of a true friend than most of them, so I learn to balance and he's teaching me what is truly important in a friend.
Fourth, my friend Taylor. She and I have been friends since we were toddlers- the story goes, we were the only two in the class that could talk. I don't know how true this is haha. We rarely talk now because we're both so busy with so many different activities, but we really shaped each others' childhoods a lot and we were sooo similar when we were younger. If we'd never met, I think both of us would be very different people. Also, I have no doubt that she'll also be a forever friend. So that's that.
I don't know which one to pick, because they're all really important. Maybe I'll get back to you later on that.
2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
I want to have kids. Really bad. I can't wait to show someone the world. I can't wait to love someone unconditionally and have them love me back. I can't wait to fully devote my life to someone who will be fully dependent on me and my future husband. I can't wait to create my own little person, just like God. I can't wait to assist God in a miracle. I really really really can't wait. Like I would have a kid, right now. I am readyyyy. At least, emotionally ready. Perhaps not everything else.
3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you angry?
I'm going to try to do this fairly, disregarding who I'm angry at now. *ahem.* People who make me angriest are people who get stuff without working hard. I hate favoritism. So much. Don't even get me on my soapbox. It's just that I work my ass of and then they have the nerve to steal all the credit. That makes me so mad. Also, people who are bigoted and closed-minded and inflammatory towards those who are different from them. I can't stand people like that either.
4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you feel so loveable?
God these questions really do bite to the soul. I can't say Colin again. I don't want to. I'd say my parents, only this'll sound really dumb and unappreciative. It's just that, while I appreciate the gestures and all, parents are supposed to love you and tell you how pretty and great you are. When it comes from your best friend who happens to be a guy... it means a lot more. Especially when he's so stupid and terrible at giving compliments. When we were at the beach and we were like... wrapped up in each other on a couch watching Lord of the Rings, there was nothing better. Nothing. I could feel his heart beat through his chest, in the same time as mine, like we were in some stupid corny-ass love song. He put his arm around me. I put my head on his chest. He put his head on mine. God. It was soooo nice. He was completely comfortable with me; I was completely comfortable with him. What we could have had, what he said we were going to have, god, it's just going to kill me. What was it, though? Anyone can put their arms around you. I guess it's because, it's your best friend. There's so much between us we don't say. We would die for each other.
And I think I'll stop there haha.
if you love something, set it free.
if it comes back, it was meant to be.
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Hello world. I haven't done any good-quality soul searching between the last post and now, but I really felt like writing. Or posting. Or something. I'm 1/3 of the way done with my AP English crap if anyone cares. yayyy. And for the record, I did try to go for a walk yesterday to try and clear my mind and meditate on life, but all I could think about was how much my feet hurt because I rubbed them raw by running on hot pavement. *sigh* i told you logic is not my strong suit.
With nothing that interesting to say left, I'll leave you with some quotes.
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Hello world. I haven't done any good-quality soul searching between the last post and now, but I really felt like writing. Or posting. Or something. I'm 1/3 of the way done with my AP English crap if anyone cares. yayyy. And for the record, I did try to go for a walk yesterday to try and clear my mind and meditate on life, but all I could think about was how much my feet hurt because I rubbed them raw by running on hot pavement. *sigh* i told you logic is not my strong suit.
With nothing that interesting to say left, I'll leave you with some quotes.
Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars.
~Violeta Parra
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
~John Vance Cheney
Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.
~Lamartine
Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.
~Author Unknown
If you're going through hell, keep going.
~Winston Churchill
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.
~William Shakespeare, Othello
8.14.2011
things, part 2 (things to do)
Panic has just set in with my AP summer assignments. For English, I have to read 1984 and Invisible Man and complete a reading journal for both, read 2 poems and write two pages on each of them, then read How to Read Literature like a Professor (HTRLLAP) and do all these little assignments that go with it, which I've heard are a bitch. It doesn't sound too bad, but it's taken me the entire summer to leisurely complete 1984 and most of its journal and half of Invisible Man. So panic is setting in, because that's all due this Friday. 0.o Not to mention my AP Bio assignment, which is due when school starts the next thursday. OMG!
So I need to set my priorities straight and stop screwing around. This is going to be excessively personal and I'm sorry about that, but I need somewhere that I can just lay out my thoughts really fast, as well as keep to my soul searching and blog duties. (haha. duties, like doodies. trololol.)
Anyway, here's my list of things to do short term.
Today - finish Invisible Man, get a good chunk of the reading journal done, and start finishing up the 1984 journal.Also, fold the mountains of laundry and tidy up room.
Tomorrow - finish reading journals, and then do the poetry part. All day is up for working tomorrow.
Tuesday - not worry about Colin (who said he'd try his luck asking that girl out), marching band 5-8, finish poetry part or whatever's left from the other days, and get seriously cracking on the HTRLLAP.
Also picking up little sister from wherever she needs to be picked up from.
Wednesday - work 11-2, marching band 5-8, further serious cracking on HTRLLAP.
Thursday - work 11-12, marching band 5-8, wrap up everything.
Friday - work 11-2, environmental youth council meeting 2-5, marching band 5-8, final stressing over assignment, and SUBMIT.
Saturday - study group for AP Bio, and commence stressing about AP Bio.
The following is a list of things I was previously concerned with but will now no longer be worrying about for this week:
1. Practicing Japanese.
2. Playing piano.
3. Practicing drawing, keeping a sketchbook.
4. Worrying about boys.
5. Soul searching.
6. Studying for the SAT/ACT.
7. Working out and actually losing weight.
8. Some inkling of a social life.
9. College applications.
10. Everything other than AP English, work, and marching band.
While I'm here... perhaps some long term goals for the year.
oh screw it, I'm too stressed. Back to completing my extensive to-do list and getting as far ahead as I possibly can bye.
So I need to set my priorities straight and stop screwing around. This is going to be excessively personal and I'm sorry about that, but I need somewhere that I can just lay out my thoughts really fast, as well as keep to my soul searching and blog duties. (haha. duties, like doodies. trololol.)
Anyway, here's my list of things to do short term.
Today - finish Invisible Man, get a good chunk of the reading journal done, and start finishing up the 1984 journal.
Tomorrow - finish reading journals, and then do the poetry part. All day is up for working tomorrow.
Tuesday - not worry about Colin (who said he'd try his luck asking that girl out), marching band 5-8, finish poetry part or whatever's left from the other days, and get seriously cracking on the HTRLLAP.
Also picking up little sister from wherever she needs to be picked up from.
Wednesday - work 11-2, marching band 5-8, further serious cracking on HTRLLAP.
Thursday - work 11-12, marching band 5-8, wrap up everything.
Friday - work 11-2, environmental youth council meeting 2-5, marching band 5-8, final stressing over assignment, and SUBMIT.
Saturday - study group for AP Bio, and commence stressing about AP Bio.
The following is a list of things I was previously concerned with but will now no longer be worrying about for this week:
1. Practicing Japanese.
2. Playing piano.
3. Practicing drawing, keeping a sketchbook.
4. Worrying about boys.
5. Soul searching.
6. Studying for the SAT/ACT.
7. Working out and actually losing weight.
8. Some inkling of a social life.
9. College applications.
10. Everything other than AP English, work, and marching band.
While I'm here... perhaps some long term goals for the year.
oh screw it, I'm too stressed. Back to completing my extensive to-do list and getting as far ahead as I possibly can bye.
8.13.2011
things, part 1.
Okay. So I'm going to continue my soul searching with a couple of lists. I like lists. Lists I can do.
But anyway...
Things that are tough (for me).
1. Talking about myself. And really telling the truth. I just hate to put myself out there. I desperately, desperatly want people to like me. I secretly crave attention. I don't think people realize that. I actually think strangers I've never met might know me better just from reading this blog than the majority of my closest friends. It's hard for me to say what I mean. By speaking your mind, sometimes you offend people. Being afraid of this, I usually just shut my mouth and lie.
2. Saying no. I cannot say no to anyone who asks me for a favor. My mother tells me this is my biggest flaw. She always says, "you can't work to please everyone unless you take care of yourself first." But I don't like taking care of myself. I've got it pressed into my head that I don't matter as much as everyone else does. And so, everyone else goes first. It was probably from that one time in CCD when I was eleven, when the teacher lady told us what JOY stands for - Jesus first, others second, yourself last. As an eleven-year-old that rocked my proverbial boat a bit, and so I turned everything around in that order. Haha. Who ever thought being a Catholic could be emotionally or socially scarring. jk.
3. Saying yes. I don't know what I want. I don't want to press my desires on other people. So I usually just go with it. That was why Colin probably left. Because while I never said no, I realize I never really gave him the yes he was looking for. I guess this in conjunction with #1. I never told him what I really felt.
4. Calling people and asking for stuff. I hate, hate, hate calling businesses and stuff. My mom says I should call back my boss-who-might-not-be-my-boss because he was supposed to send me a work schedule, then never did, but I'm terrified to. I always sound sooo dumb on the phone.
5. Letting stuff go. It's hard for me to let stuff go. I don't mean that as in I hold grudges. In fact I always let things go in confrontational situations. I just mean it's hard for me to move on sometimes. I had a really tough time letting go of my family for six weeks at governor's school. When I was a little kid I had a super tough time letting go of pacifiers. When I was seven, I went to sleepaway camp and for the first time I had to give up my blankie. It was awful. 0.o
6. Confrontations. I guess this ties in with #1, or possibly 2 or 3. I hate stepping on people's toes and making a splash. I don't like to tell others they're wrong. I don't like to hurt other people's feelings. And I don't want to embarrass anyone, or make a scene, so usually I just don't say anything and let it slide. It's my way of trying to be laid back and cool, but sometimes it backfires.
7. Math. I'm a dreamer. There is nothing mathematical, logical, or scientific about me. And it's unfortunate, because for the longest time, I thought I'd be a marine ecologist, which is, you know, a scientific job. My dad always teases me about being lazy (which is funny, because I'm actually not) and he jokes that if I don't "get my ass in gear" then I'll be "flipping burgers" or whatever. But now I kind of might be since I've realized I don't have a prayer in the science community.
8. Being aggressive. It's hard for me to make the first move. I usually just follow what everyone else does. I never quite considered myself a shy person. I just don't want to upset anyone, and I test the water first. I guess that's another reason why Colin moved on. I'm painfully slow.
9. Not comparing myself to others. I can't help it. I always feel second best. I always feel like people are one-upping me. But I never do anything. I think I might be the only eldest sister in history who lives in the shadow of her younger sisters. My younger sister is beautiful. She's tall and thin and ridiculously smart, and athletic, and she just got the boyfriend of her dreams, and she's a standout student, and she's head of the Beta club, and I'm like... nothing. And my youngest sister is charisma and cute personified. She's like Shirley Temple -she's got the hair too. Sure, she can be a brat sometimes, but she steals people's hearts like you wouldn't believe, she has literal genius-level IQ, she paints, she rides horses, and she's good with computers. Me, let's just say that while they're on Nintendo Wii's, I'm stuck on Gameboy Color. I'm really the dumbest one in my family. And I'm short and stubby and a little chubby. Whereas my sisters, beautiful. God. Look at that whole paragraph. Case and point.
Well... that's all I can think of. I've got to get a move on on all of my SAT/ACT prep stuff, and my AP English assignment is due next week. Where on earth did the summer go?
Next time, on things... (bahahaha i'm kidding.) I don't know what I'll talk about next. byeee.
But anyway...
Things that are tough (for me).
1. Talking about myself. And really telling the truth. I just hate to put myself out there. I desperately, desperatly want people to like me. I secretly crave attention. I don't think people realize that. I actually think strangers I've never met might know me better just from reading this blog than the majority of my closest friends. It's hard for me to say what I mean. By speaking your mind, sometimes you offend people. Being afraid of this, I usually just shut my mouth and lie.
2. Saying no. I cannot say no to anyone who asks me for a favor. My mother tells me this is my biggest flaw. She always says, "you can't work to please everyone unless you take care of yourself first." But I don't like taking care of myself. I've got it pressed into my head that I don't matter as much as everyone else does. And so, everyone else goes first. It was probably from that one time in CCD when I was eleven, when the teacher lady told us what JOY stands for - Jesus first, others second, yourself last. As an eleven-year-old that rocked my proverbial boat a bit, and so I turned everything around in that order. Haha. Who ever thought being a Catholic could be emotionally or socially scarring. jk.
3. Saying yes. I don't know what I want. I don't want to press my desires on other people. So I usually just go with it. That was why Colin probably left. Because while I never said no, I realize I never really gave him the yes he was looking for. I guess this in conjunction with #1. I never told him what I really felt.
4. Calling people and asking for stuff. I hate, hate, hate calling businesses and stuff. My mom says I should call back my boss-who-might-not-be-my-boss because he was supposed to send me a work schedule, then never did, but I'm terrified to. I always sound sooo dumb on the phone.
5. Letting stuff go. It's hard for me to let stuff go. I don't mean that as in I hold grudges. In fact I always let things go in confrontational situations. I just mean it's hard for me to move on sometimes. I had a really tough time letting go of my family for six weeks at governor's school. When I was a little kid I had a super tough time letting go of pacifiers. When I was seven, I went to sleepaway camp and for the first time I had to give up my blankie. It was awful. 0.o
6. Confrontations. I guess this ties in with #1, or possibly 2 or 3. I hate stepping on people's toes and making a splash. I don't like to tell others they're wrong. I don't like to hurt other people's feelings. And I don't want to embarrass anyone, or make a scene, so usually I just don't say anything and let it slide. It's my way of trying to be laid back and cool, but sometimes it backfires.
7. Math. I'm a dreamer. There is nothing mathematical, logical, or scientific about me. And it's unfortunate, because for the longest time, I thought I'd be a marine ecologist, which is, you know, a scientific job. My dad always teases me about being lazy (which is funny, because I'm actually not) and he jokes that if I don't "get my ass in gear" then I'll be "flipping burgers" or whatever. But now I kind of might be since I've realized I don't have a prayer in the science community.
8. Being aggressive. It's hard for me to make the first move. I usually just follow what everyone else does. I never quite considered myself a shy person. I just don't want to upset anyone, and I test the water first. I guess that's another reason why Colin moved on. I'm painfully slow.
9. Not comparing myself to others. I can't help it. I always feel second best. I always feel like people are one-upping me. But I never do anything. I think I might be the only eldest sister in history who lives in the shadow of her younger sisters. My younger sister is beautiful. She's tall and thin and ridiculously smart, and athletic, and she just got the boyfriend of her dreams, and she's a standout student, and she's head of the Beta club, and I'm like... nothing. And my youngest sister is charisma and cute personified. She's like Shirley Temple -she's got the hair too. Sure, she can be a brat sometimes, but she steals people's hearts like you wouldn't believe, she has literal genius-level IQ, she paints, she rides horses, and she's good with computers. Me, let's just say that while they're on Nintendo Wii's, I'm stuck on Gameboy Color. I'm really the dumbest one in my family. And I'm short and stubby and a little chubby. Whereas my sisters, beautiful. God. Look at that whole paragraph. Case and point.
Well... that's all I can think of. I've got to get a move on on all of my SAT/ACT prep stuff, and my AP English assignment is due next week. Where on earth did the summer go?
Next time, on things... (bahahaha i'm kidding.) I don't know what I'll talk about next. byeee.
8.12.2011
my seven step plan isn't going so well.
Bitch, moan, bitch moan. I really don't have the mental capacity to think about anything else. I just finished the series Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (go ahead and judge me, but it's actually really, really, really good) and I'm like... dammit. I am just like Queen frickin' Beryl. Of course the guy of my dreams would fall for the blonde, while leaving me feeling like the villain trying to come between them.
There, I said it. Guy of my dreams. That freaking jerk. He won't text me back or anything. What if he's avoiding me? then what? What am I supposed to do? And how can he do this? Just a little over a week ago he was all like, "I love you" and stuff. He couldn't not mean it! I know he was telling the truth! So what the heck happened?
Anyway, here's the status of my seven step plan.
1. The shorts. I gave them back yesterday. Three days later than I meant to. At least I washed them. And I also gave him the shirt I bought him when I was in Florida and he still liked me. And this thank you note thing I drew. A little desperate? Probably. I'm such an idiot. Here, I took a picture of it. (several, actually.)
The notes say - haha doesn't look like either of us but whatevs. (It doesn't. haha.) LOL State hat. (forgot what it looks like *sigh*).
And I put XOXO on the bottom. Was that desperate sounding? Probably. I just put it, then realized what I wrote and thought, well, whiteout would look lame. So I just put it.
2. I did purge all the cute texts.Even though I still look at where I wrote them down in my diary.
3. I didn't eat any ice cream because I'm on a diet and feel fat lately.
4. I successfully haven't texted him like crazy over nothing. but I do find myself waiting and waiting by my phone for him to text and he doesn't. However... I've resisted the urge to text for what feels like a million times now, so I am proud of myself for that.
5. I didn't go out with my girlfriends because they still apparently hate me. Sigh. Not really, I'm just being dramatic. I didn't even tell my sister about this, and we tell each other almost everything.
6. I remembered what a giant crush I have on the drum line, but also that all of them have girlfriends or are unattainable by someone of my social status. Sigh. (also, my sister is dating one of them now. i'm happy for both of them, but i might shoot myself because this is so unbelievably unfair.)
7. I'm still listening to sad piano music.
So basically, I failed my entire seven-step plan. And all I have to cheer myself up is AP English and AP Bio summer assignments, and studying for the SAT, and Sailor Moon. God my life is so awesome right now.
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By the way, thank you so much for reading this, interwebs. I am sorry for just bombarding you with posts about bitching about crap like this. I just have absolutely no one I can tell and if I write one more page about this in my diary it might burn itself. Or I'll go crazy from not telling anyone. I'm soooo tired of bottling everything in. So thanks for at least putting up with this.
There, I said it. Guy of my dreams. That freaking jerk. He won't text me back or anything. What if he's avoiding me? then what? What am I supposed to do? And how can he do this? Just a little over a week ago he was all like, "I love you" and stuff. He couldn't not mean it! I know he was telling the truth! So what the heck happened?
Anyway, here's the status of my seven step plan.
1. The shorts. I gave them back yesterday. Three days later than I meant to. At least I washed them. And I also gave him the shirt I bought him when I was in Florida and he still liked me. And this thank you note thing I drew. A little desperate? Probably. I'm such an idiot. Here, I took a picture of it. (several, actually.)
And I put XOXO on the bottom. Was that desperate sounding? Probably. I just put it, then realized what I wrote and thought, well, whiteout would look lame. So I just put it.
2. I did purge all the cute texts.
3. I didn't eat any ice cream because I'm on a diet and feel fat lately.
4. I successfully haven't texted him like crazy over nothing. but I do find myself waiting and waiting by my phone for him to text and he doesn't. However... I've resisted the urge to text for what feels like a million times now, so I am proud of myself for that.
5. I didn't go out with my girlfriends because they still apparently hate me. Sigh. Not really, I'm just being dramatic. I didn't even tell my sister about this, and we tell each other almost everything.
6. I remembered what a giant crush I have on the drum line, but also that all of them have girlfriends or are unattainable by someone of my social status. Sigh. (also, my sister is dating one of them now. i'm happy for both of them, but i might shoot myself because this is so unbelievably unfair.)
7. I'm still listening to sad piano music.
So basically, I failed my entire seven-step plan. And all I have to cheer myself up is AP English and AP Bio summer assignments, and studying for the SAT, and Sailor Moon. God my life is so awesome right now.
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By the way, thank you so much for reading this, interwebs. I am sorry for just bombarding you with posts about bitching about crap like this. I just have absolutely no one I can tell and if I write one more page about this in my diary it might burn itself. Or I'll go crazy from not telling anyone. I'm soooo tired of bottling everything in. So thanks for at least putting up with this.
8.08.2011
no more emo.
I can't believe how easy it is to change your heart in just the span of a week.
I really, really can't.
So, I've decided it's time for me to do a little soul searching. Right now, I'm going to focus on finding out what I want.
At first, I thought I'd just go for the jugular and start with, "who am I?" but I don't think any of us ever truly know that. I don't think it's possible to know yourself. I don't know. Maybe it's just impossible for me to know myself.
Instead, I'm not going to take crap from any more people. I don't want to get pushed around. At least, not blindly. I'm going to ask myself, "Well, what do I want?" I miss so much convincing myself what I don't want. This time, I'll go running because I want to, not because I'm worried about people thinking I'm fat. This time, I'll hang out with whoever I please without worrying if I'm going to stay in the 'in" crowd. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.
Okay, maybe things won't quite happen like that, but at least I'll be thinking about if it's what I want or not.
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While I'm here, here is my seven step plan to getting over that jerk who stole my heart and ran away with it.
1. Tonight, I'm going to wear his shorts that he let me borrow when i went to his house (because i came wearing stockings because of a meeting, didn't have time to change before i came, and was dying of discomfort - i hateeeeee stockings >.<). I'm going to wear them to bed tonight, and then wash them with my clothes tomorrow to erase myself from them, and give them back to him. Forever.
2. I'm going to purge my phone inbox of all the cute texts from him I've been saving, so I can peek at them when I'm feeling down or insecure. No more, since now I'm just looking at them and getting upset, because I keep thinking of how he lied. I know he didn't mean to lie. But it still hurts.
3. I will drown my sorrows in a giant bowl of ice cream for breakfast tomorrow.
4. I'm going to not care that he all of a sudden stopped texting. I'm not going to text him. I'll text other people instead. In fact, I just might turn off my phone for a while to remove temptation.
5. I'm going to go out with my girlfriends who will remind me what a creep he is. Though I'll never tell them about what almost happened between us that I'm now forgetting about.
6. I'm going to remember what a giant crush I have on half the drum line.
7. I'm going to listen to sad piano music for only today and then death metal tomorrow because I know I'll start getting really, really pissed,, and then super happy stuff the day after that when I get sick of metal.
And there. Broken heart recovery plan is now under way. Hold me to this, because I do not want to slip back into wallowing in this hole of self pity and sadness again.
I really, really can't.
So, I've decided it's time for me to do a little soul searching. Right now, I'm going to focus on finding out what I want.
At first, I thought I'd just go for the jugular and start with, "who am I?" but I don't think any of us ever truly know that. I don't think it's possible to know yourself. I don't know. Maybe it's just impossible for me to know myself.
Instead, I'm not going to take crap from any more people. I don't want to get pushed around. At least, not blindly. I'm going to ask myself, "Well, what do I want?" I miss so much convincing myself what I don't want. This time, I'll go running because I want to, not because I'm worried about people thinking I'm fat. This time, I'll hang out with whoever I please without worrying if I'm going to stay in the 'in" crowd. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.
Okay, maybe things won't quite happen like that, but at least I'll be thinking about if it's what I want or not.
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While I'm here, here is my seven step plan to getting over that jerk who stole my heart and ran away with it.
1. Tonight, I'm going to wear his shorts that he let me borrow when i went to his house (because i came wearing stockings because of a meeting, didn't have time to change before i came, and was dying of discomfort - i hateeeeee stockings >.<). I'm going to wear them to bed tonight, and then wash them with my clothes tomorrow to erase myself from them, and give them back to him. Forever.
2. I'm going to purge my phone inbox of all the cute texts from him I've been saving, so I can peek at them when I'm feeling down or insecure. No more, since now I'm just looking at them and getting upset, because I keep thinking of how he lied. I know he didn't mean to lie. But it still hurts.
3. I will drown my sorrows in a giant bowl of ice cream for breakfast tomorrow.
4. I'm going to not care that he all of a sudden stopped texting. I'm not going to text him. I'll text other people instead. In fact, I just might turn off my phone for a while to remove temptation.
5. I'm going to go out with my girlfriends who will remind me what a creep he is. Though I'll never tell them about what almost happened between us that I'm now forgetting about.
6. I'm going to remember what a giant crush I have on half the drum line.
7. I'm going to listen to sad piano music for only today and then death metal tomorrow because I know I'll start getting really, really pissed,, and then super happy stuff the day after that when I get sick of metal.
And there. Broken heart recovery plan is now under way. Hold me to this, because I do not want to slip back into wallowing in this hole of self pity and sadness again.
8.07.2011
i sure hope i don't look as worthless as i feel.
he said he would wait for me. he said i'm worth it. he said he loved me.
but all of a sudden, he decides there's this other girl he kind of wants to date.
i know we agreed that this is an open thing, so i said, of course, it's not like i own you, silly.
but the sucky thing is i've kind of realized that you own me.
am i not worth waiting for anymore?
(listening to) piano music. lizst, satie, paganini, rachmaninoff, chopin.
(wearing) constellations t-shirt, sweat pants, fuzzy blanket
(location) bed
but all of a sudden, he decides there's this other girl he kind of wants to date.
i know we agreed that this is an open thing, so i said, of course, it's not like i own you, silly.
but the sucky thing is i've kind of realized that you own me.
am i not worth waiting for anymore?
(listening to) piano music. lizst, satie, paganini, rachmaninoff, chopin.
(wearing) constellations t-shirt, sweat pants, fuzzy blanket
(location) bed
8.06.2011
Bucket List.
Let's face it. Lately, I've been feeling so let down. Sometimes, it's possible to set your hopes too high- so that if you fail to reach them, it feels like you're falling further.
Nonetheless, here's what I'd like to do someday, preferably before age 30.
1. Go to college.
2. Study in Japan.
3. Hike the Appalacian Trail (all 2000 miles).
4. Get a job in environmental journalism, marine ecology, or environmental policy.
5. Get married.
6. Have kids.
There.
Please, please don't let me down, little list of hopes and dreams.
Nonetheless, here's what I'd like to do someday, preferably before age 30.
1. Go to college.
2. Study in Japan.
3. Hike the Appalacian Trail (all 2000 miles).
4. Get a job in environmental journalism, marine ecology, or environmental policy.
5. Get married.
6. Have kids.
There.
Please, please don't let me down, little list of hopes and dreams.
8.04.2011
The opposite of the fear of heights.
This summer, I fell in love with the sky.
There's just something so enchanting and beautiful about an endless expanse of light and water and clouds. It's just... amazing. When I went to Florida, it's very flat there, and all you can see is the sky for miles and miles. So I just did what I always do, took out my red camera, slipped on my metaphorical fanny pack, and snapped pictures like a crazed tourist. Here are some of my little gems.
There's just something so enchanting and beautiful about an endless expanse of light and water and clouds. It's just... amazing. When I went to Florida, it's very flat there, and all you can see is the sky for miles and miles. So I just did what I always do, took out my red camera, slipped on my metaphorical fanny pack, and snapped pictures like a crazed tourist. Here are some of my little gems.
When I look up to the sky, I always wonder, like wtf am I doing down here on the ground? I should be up there. Flying.
8.02.2011
my favoritest names. ever.
Soooo. I can't think of a good introduction for this or justify why I was thinking about this, but if/when I have kids, here are the names I'd consider. Because they're my favorite.
Boys: Alexander/Alex, Owen, James, Thomas/Tommy, Adam, Cody, Reece, Noah, Dylan, Rory, Robin, Oliver, Riley, Charles/Charlie, Elijah, Kieran, Aiden
Girls: Celeste, Holly, Ruby, Willow, Raina, Leah, Chloe, Sienna, Hayley, Natalie, Luna, Scarlet, Alice, Nicole, Norah, Amelia, Anna, Ariana, Lily, Miya
And that's it.
(listening to) The Cars, and that playlist to your right
(schedule) Band camp for the next two days, then job training for new job at an Indian restaurant.
(fingernails) Look like crap; in desperate need of a manicure.
(mood) Tired, Eager, Confused, Curious, Contemplative
Boys: Alexander/Alex, Owen, James, Thomas/Tommy, Adam, Cody, Reece, Noah, Dylan, Rory, Robin, Oliver, Riley, Charles/Charlie, Elijah, Kieran, Aiden
Girls: Celeste, Holly, Ruby, Willow, Raina, Leah, Chloe, Sienna, Hayley, Natalie, Luna, Scarlet, Alice, Nicole, Norah, Amelia, Anna, Ariana, Lily, Miya
And that's it.
(listening to) The Cars, and that playlist to your right
(schedule) Band camp for the next two days, then job training for new job at an Indian restaurant.
(fingernails) Look like crap; in desperate need of a manicure.
(mood) Tired, Eager, Confused, Curious, Contemplative
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