I think I'm gonna rethink my life.

At the moment I'm going through an existential crisis.

I need to rethink my life, my choices, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. I want to get my shit together. I'm tired of being battered around by everyone else's bullshit.

What I really want to do is move. I have never been happier than being up in the sky or out on an open road. I love moving. I love seeing the world. I love just sitting in a cafe and watching the world pulse around me. Everywhere in the world is fascinating and just waiting patiently for the rest of the world to notice that. I love getting on a bus and seeing the strangers. It's incredible to me that everyone in the world is living out their own life stories and while they look like extras to my life, I just look like an insignificant extra to them. I walk for an hour into the city just for a scene change. I love tramping around in the woods and creeks and I'm so tired of bullshit and routines and obligations.

My parents keep nagging me to get a job and do something with my life. I'm trying. I have a free spirit but I'm so trapped. I'm stuck. Everything holds me back. Me most of all. I'm the biggest thing separating me from the world. People have always told me I'm an introvert, but maybe that's not true. Nobody ever listens so I've got it in my head that nobody actually cares so I just shut the hell up and squish it down.

Out in the big world, nobody does care. You can do whatever the hell you want and nobody's gonna give a shit.
I don't want to start over because that's scary. I was supposed to get out of my stupid town where everyone shared chocolate milk in kindergarten together. I was going to go to a gigantic school of 35,000 people and make lots of new friends and be wildly popular and not give a shit and I was going to be free and nobody could tell me what to do and I wouldn't worry about anyone judging me and shit.

I see other people do that. Lots of my friends are going out and making more friends. Kaitlin has an entirely new group. i don't know why she even keeps me around, a lot. Even Colin can make new friends. Me, I'm the only one who hasn't moved on. I whine to myself that making friends is hard, and I'm shy and introverted and everyone always tells me I'm weird and awkward or whatever so I've got it in my head that I can't do it, I can't make new friends.

I mean, who really give a shit. It's my turn to move the fuck on. I'm not in fucking high school anymore. I need to stop giving a damn what my parents think. I want to be young and live my life.

I want to shed all my guilt and hurt and disappointment and insecurities and let the fuck go. Someday I'm going to learn that.

What I really want to do is go on a huge road trip and see real America, like some fucking Jack Kerouac thing or fucking Charles Bukowski and just go all over the fucking place, drinking and fucking and camping and betting and writing. Being free. I want to ride with a biker gang because hell, biker gangs have probably got it right. The open road. that's what i want. i want to get the hell out of here. Everyone sucks.

I want to hike up the Appalachian Trail. For real. All 2000 plus miles of it. It's a huge undertaking and I'll be tired as shit. Whatever. Get me the hell away from Facebook and fake bitches and texting.

Maybe I'll be a flight attendant. Where you get paid to fly. I fucking love flying. I don't even care about dealing with all the high-maintenance public on airplanes and boring-ass safety briefings.

I want to be really nice to strangers. I want to like, change someone's life. I want to chill with homeless people and take them to dinner and shit. the only problem would be what to do after, I mean, I don't want to just drop them off at their shopping cart or something. That'd be awkward. But really. I want to do nice things for people. I want to sell all my shit and help people.

I want to stay in hostels and motels and drink stale coffee in local diners, and shower at truck stops and have picnics on the car hood on the side of the road, and i want to stargaze on blankets and laugh at tourists. I don't know. maybe I've been reading too many beatnik books but.

Honestly this sounds stupid as shit but I'm giving a small fraction of a thought to becoming a whore. yeah tell me, oh honey, you don't want to do that, you'll fuck up your life and get an STD or whatever, and you're worth more than that. You know what? Don't judge people.

And want to know a secret? Sex doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. I don't give a shit. The act of copulation is so stupid and simple it's ridiculous to me that people make such a big fucking deal about it. I just keep my mouth shut cause I don't want to offend anyone. I mean honestly the idea of porn and masturbation used to horrify and embarrass me, but now I don't really care. Everybody has their needs and everybody deals with them in different ways. Fucking deal with it.

Maybe whores have got it right. Get paid to fuck and have some fun. Sell some love and make somebody else feel desirable for a night and walk away with 200 bucks. Be fleeting. Burn bright and then burn out. I mean, who wants to die old, wrinkled, and tired after life in a fucking cubicle anyway.

Okay, maybe I don't really wholeheartedly mean all of this. I'm just having an existential crisis right now and I  have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I can see myself spiraling into another hole again. I am so hanging the fuck onto that edge right now.

Bye, friends!

I was so close.

When am I ever gonna learn to throw my hands in the air, fuck it, and walk away?

God.

Dorm Cooking (AKA, Get On My Level)

This post is about my nonconventional cooking adventures involving a microwave, a hot water heater, and a poorly functioning refrigerator (as well as a completely broken pieceofshit blender). 

RECIPE ONE: FAKE ICE CREAM (1) which masquerades as being healthy

 

Ingredients:

Greek yogurt

Frozen fruit

Sugar of any sort (read: out of packages stolen from coffee shops ok)

1. Microwave fruit to the point where biting a piece would not break your teeth. Should be slightly squishy to the touch, but not mushy.

2. Procure bowl. Add Greek yogurt and stir in sugar, any quantity you like. Add fruit and stir well.

3. Place bowl into freezer and wait. How long you wait depends on how well your freezer works. when it feels like ice cream, eat.

RECIPE TWO: FAKE ICE CREAM (2) which doesn't even try to be healthy, really

Ingredients:

Greek yogurt (or any yogurt, really, you don't have to be as big of a snob as me)

Chocolate syrup

Chocolate chips or whatever

Sugar if you want

1. Same thing as above. 

RECIPE THREE: FAKE COOKIE DOUGH

Ingredients: 

Flour

Peanut butter

Milk/Soymilk

Coffee creamer

Sugar

Chocolate chips

1. Just mix all the shit until it tastes remotely like cookie dough. this one's hard. 

RECIPE FOUR: BREAKFAST TORTILLA

Ingredients:

Tortilla

Peanut butter

any fruit

1. Take tortilla and slather with peanut butter

2. Add fruit in a cute design or whatever

3. Roll it up and nom. 

RECIPE FIVE: VEGGIE PASTA WITH CHEESE (kinda)

Ingredients:

Pasta

Water

Bag of mixed veggies

1. Boil water 

2. Put veggies into a bowl with a little bit of water and microwave em

3. Put pasta into boiled water and put that in the microwave until noodles are softened

4. Combine your bowls

5. Strip up some string cheese and put it on top; hopefully it'll melt

RECIPE SIX: PEANUT BUTTER MOUSSE 

Ingredients:

Greek yogurt

Peanut butter

Sugar

1. combine until satisfied

2. Freeze until satisfied

3. Eat that sucka

10 things i do when i procrastinate.

So here's something I haven't done in a long time. A Ten on Sunday. Here goes! What I do when I procrastinate:

1. Check the following in the same order: phone, Facebook, email, blogger, tumblr, iwastesomuchtime, other email, then this fascinating site called allwomenstalk, fitocracy, calorie count.
2. Eat. *sigh*
3. Watch Supernatural. *sigh* I've convinced myself that once I finish it, I'll be able to return to normal life because I won't be consumed with the thought that I Shouldn't Be Here I Must Watch Supernatural What Is This Bullshit, Peace
4. Write in my journal.
5. Make stupid videos where I talk to myself, usually because I'm bored and there's nobody to talk to. Embarrassing, but true.
6. Make lists of all the things I'm gonna do but then don't.
7. Complain about my hair. Actual restyling optional.
8. Do ridiculous amounts of stretching.
9. Clean like a severe OCD patient in a mental institution.
10. Shave. I don't know what it is but there is an eerie correlation between the amount of unwanted hair on me and the amount of anti-productivity that occurs in any given day.

And that's that.

Revelation.

I don't have time or energy for an artsy introduction or whatever to this
so i'm just gonna say it.
I think I'm my dad's favorite out of my two sisters. Let's be real. I'm a daddy's girl. He thinks I'm really smart and really funny and for whatever reason he's amazed by me and he can't stay mad at me and I've pretty much got him wrapped around my finger to get whatever I want. He thinks I understand him best and he and I like old stuff and the same music and the same movies and all that. He always puts me first.

He's retired Navy. He loves kids. He's got a wicked temper. He likes manual-transmission cars. He likes classic rock. He has a strong sense of duty and responsibility. He can be awfully closed-minded and is a big-time creature of habit. He's stubborn. He can dish out jokes better than he can take them. He puts up this big tough-guy facade but really he's a big softie.

Colin is the exact same way.
I've known for a while that Colin and my dad are really, really similar.

But I just now figured it out that maybe I'm clinging to Colin how I shouldn't be, like I'm expecting that because he's like my dad, he'll give me the same kind of love my dad gives me.

Which is, I guess, a little fucked up, huh?

so i'm at school again.

Blah blah blah.
I'm tired of being bored,

So I guess it's time for me to make my own life interesting.

I'm gonna get a new job.
I'm gonna sign up for campus radio.
I'm gonna start volunteering at the museum again.
I'm gonna actually reach out and make some new friends this year.
I'm not going to wear sweatpants every day and I will look like an approachable human being.
I'm gonna actually kick some butt in my classes this year.
And I'm gonna go running three days a week and quit feeling fat and fugly.

Cool man!
I feel like that was just sixty New Years Resolutions, but those are bullshit and i don't believe in them. Okay bye, friends!

pause, more bitchery

I want everyone to shut the hell up and leave me alone. I hate when people ask me questions. Everything I say gets used against me. I’m done with that. I’m done opening up. I used to think communication was the best thing, but I feel like my idea of good communication was me slashing myself open over and over and now my insides are all over the place grossing everybody out.

Sigh.

And what’s weird is I’m dreading talking to my parents lately. It feels like all they ever do is grill me with questions and tell me all the things I’m doing wrong in life. So I just don’t want to talk to them. They ask me things about little details in my day which gets totally annoying. I should be grateful that they’re taking an interest in my life but little details leads to conversations and somehow they always end up getting awkward. Somebody’s GOT to bring up the topics of Colin or sex or both in the same sentence. I swear they know. I just want to let it go. How can I let go of him if nobody else will let me.

I just ate dinner with my family and case in point. Always we end up talking about my apartment next year and the topic of Colin and me playing house or whatever came up and I blushed and my mother and her fucking big mouth just HAD to say “yeah, it was like kissing her cousin, she’s over that now.” Like my dad must have already known because he didn’t even blink. She totally told him. I’m gonna fucking kill her I swear to God. It’s like they’re all testing me to see my reactions to jokes like this. Then mom started trying to tell this thing she read about how you can tell how compatible you are with someone by your saliva and then dad had to go and fucking comment that I was so red my BOOBS were blushing.

Fuck that.

I'm done with 2012 and I want it to stop following me around NOW.

Happy new year, bitches!

:)