on why despite all this, i'm okay.

(note: hi! I'm finally back in the blogging world. This is the last in a series of like a zillion posts so if you want to start on the first, scroll alllllll the way back down. I'm having a feels-dump right now. you're welcome. ;P )

I'm okay because I'm learning. I'm okay because I refuse to go down without a fight. I haven't gotten into my self worth issues and all that shit yet. That would be hard to explain. Very hard. And you'd probably feel obligated to give me advice on it. Which I probably won't be able to follow, as much as I want to. So thanks in advance, you kind, beautiful person, you, but please don't feel obligated. :)

I like myself. Really. That's why this is weird. I'd be friends with myself, sure. I'd want to hang out with me. If I were a guy, what the heck, I'd fuck me. I don't consider myself an all around bad person to be. If I were anyone else, I would like me.

But I don't care about myself. I don't know. Everyone always yells at me for being a doormat and getting walked on and getting used. They say I should value myself more. Well, that's a load of shit. Honestly... you'll probably think this is twisted, but I'm done caring what other people think. (possibly the fourth or fifth time i've said that this semester, so that sentence doesn't carry much weight, but whatever).

I only feel valuable when other people are using me for something. That's how I feel important.

I'm okay with getting used and shat on and forgotten. I run with it by lying back and pretending it’s okay, and hiding behind this face of everything’s-awesome, and I parade around trying to be what I think other people want me to be, and that’s the basis of my life. I'm used to it.

Maybe you're gonna tell me that's fucked up as shit and I need therapy. If this were any of my friends telling me this, I'd probably smack them across the face and tell them otherwise.But for me it's different. I don't know. Besides nobody wants to listen to me bitch for hours about the same things I've been bitching about for months on end and tell me things I already know I can fix and how and I just don’t get why I can’t. And my parents shouldn’t spend that kind of money for something so stupid and trivial that I don’t really need. And I really don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. A lot of this shit is unfixable.

Let’s face it, I’m never going to convince myself that I love my body. Not until I look like Miranda Kerr or something. I’m never going to convince myself that I’m worth it. I don’t know. I can tell other people everything they should do and I would pad and support everyone’s body image but all I ever do is throw myself under the bus. Am I worth that? Yeah. I guess so.

Things have gotten so bad where I feel guilty about eating again. I feel like I'm not worth it. That's dangerous, because that's what started my little anorexia thing in high school. And I'm never going back there ever again.

The only value I have is to other people. And if I’m the one who needs help, than what value am I then? I’m not such a great helper if I’m the one who needs help all the time.

Why have I been away for so long? I’ve just been busy, I guess. Studying. Exercising. Obsessing over fitness and food and body image.I mean. I tried to explain it to that girl friend when she told me I was a freak for going running and calorie counting. It’s how I keep my mind off beating myself up over failing with Colin. It gives me something to strive for that will actually help me. Not give me another (romantically speaking) wasted year. It's me trying to take the emptiness he left and turn it into room for improvement. It's making light of a situation, and giving me something positive to obsess over.

It's just... i'm so jealous.

It hurts.

It hurts that he’s gonna tell Rebecca all the things that make him happy and sad instead of me. it hurts that I used to be all that. It hurts that he’s come back to me before and that I have to go to through this It hurts that I’m not strong enough to break free and face the unknown darkness where there are no colins and maybe not anybody but the glimmer of hope that there’s someone better for me just isn’t inspiring enough to get me out of this hole. It hurts that no one else can see what is happening to us. To me. it hurts that he’s gonna move on and act like nothing happened and maybe treat some other girl the way he treated me (and the sad thing is, I don’t even know if that’s good or bad because I have no idea what I deserve or what guys are supposed to do in a relationship or if we count as a relationship or what a relationship is)

And it’s times like this when I look at myself and I’m sad. (maybe i should have put this bit under disappointment or on why i don't like accepting help. oh well)

I’m sad with what I’ve become and how I would be such a disappointment to myself in the past. I said I wasn’t gonna have sex with him and here I am begging for round 5. I think this would be the fifth now. I said I was going to find some other guys and break out of my shell and meet new people and I’m essentially tying myself to him. We’re living together. And no, I don’t regret any of it, and I don’t think that this is a bad idea, I just don’t see any other way that this could be. I mean, I can’t see through the darkness of the unknown without him.

I don’t really want to, either.
And that's what keeps dragging me down.
I don’t want to be saved.

But despite all this...
I'm learning.
I'm keeping on keeping on.

When something hurts, I smile. Physically, too. When I get jabbed with a needle (terrified of that shit), I’m grinning because it fights off tears. When I don’t want to take another step from running, I smile cause I know that every step is a step away from being fat and out of shape. When you smile, you feel better. So I figure, what the fuck. It’s a good life lesson. I smile when people hurt me too. It just works out better.

So through all this, I'm gonna smile.
I'm going to stop wallowing.I

'm the only one who can help me. It doesn't matter anything anyone else says to me, because let's be real. People try to tell me to get some self-respect but it doesn't work that way. You don't magically wake up and earn your own respect. You don't magically open your eyes and see that you don't have to practically be somebody's slave to be useful to the world.

So that's why despite all this, I'm okay. And I'm back. :)

Thanks for listening to me bitch, blog world. If you read all of that, I love you. Now go have a wonderful week and merry christmas!