on grades.

Here's my grades.
Environmental Science - A
Chemistry 101- C
Calculus - B
Understanding music: Global Perspectives - A
Agricultural/Resources Economics - C+

In calculus, I got tutored by Colin. It's funny how often tutoring sessions dissolved into passionate sex. We joked about that a lot. Looks like it worked though. It's funny. Some people might say that boys are a distraction to girls in school. By the contrary, in my case: the more sex I had, the better my grades were. Probably because I wasn't so distraught and distracted about the idea of losing him. The security and peace of mind it brought me was good. I know that just because you have sex with a guy, it doesn't mean he loves you, but at least it's some part of him that you have. It's one part of him that you're stealing back from some other girl who's trying to steal him from you.

Anyway. I realized something else. In chemistry, I felt washed away. That was a hard, disgusting class. I spent a long time studying. And economics, I definitely should have done better in. that was a fascinating class and I genuinely enjoyed it. I did so badly on one test though. That was the one on Halloween. The night before, I was probably so distracted by the idea of Colin and Kelsey possibly getting back together I forgot I was supposed to be studying for it. (I found out that day that my suspicions were correct and they did. sigh.)

I also realized that I excused poor performance by calling myself stupid. And then, I started to believe it. I started to hide behind it. So I could use it as a shield against disappointment in myself. That friend I just told you about calls me stupid a lot. So do Colin and Luke sometimes. I do. It's all just joking, but nobody jumps to assure me otherwise.

A few years ago, nobody called me stupid. Maybe I used to be smart. But then I started feeling stupid so I just excused myself, brushed off my feelings of inadequacy by calling myself out before anyone else could. I’ve always been told that you should laugh off your mistakes because it doesn’t give anyone anything to hurt you with if you act like you’re okay with it. So now, me doing anything dumb is the butt of a lot of jokes. And people just assume I’m really stupid, and now I’m molding to that stereotype. I can see this happening. But I don’t know what to do about it.

I started it. It was my stupid defense mechanism that brought me to this. Same with me calling myself fat. If I were anyone else I’d say I look just normal; average. But because it’s me, I’m jumping to call myself fat and beat myself down before anyone else can. And when they do, it just feels worse because that was what I was trying to hide from.