life is good but i'm the one that's sucking.

I hate, hate, hate, hate this.
I'm up to my ears in nothing. It's the worst!!

Allow me to explain. Here are all the things I've forgotten/put off past the point of no return.

-I haven't gone to work in like two months because of marching band and it's seriously stressing me out.
-I feel like I'm way behind in school because I'm used to being ahead and now I'm not.
-Every other section has section paraphernalia or whatever (hats, shirts) and pit traditionally does jackets, I haven't ordered them yet (because no one's submitted me a design anyway) and the season ends in two weeks.
-Marching band ends in two weeks and for some reason I was like sobbing at the last foot ball game. No one else was and i felt like a baby. But honestly, I think I just needed a good cry.
-Got home at 3 AM from a competition yesterday and it was fucking freezing and I got my foot mashed by a marimba and it's bruised and it hurts. I was so tired after that I even slept with my head against the cold window on a three-hour bus ride on activity buses. And then I woke up at 9 and sat in bed all day pretending to write essays and I feel no more energetic at all. I just feel sick, without being actually sick.
-I suck at maintaining friendships across the board.
-I haven't had an oboe lesson since... hm, april? Jeezus. And I feel guilty about that for some reason.
-Winter drum line auditions are approaching.
-So is All-District. Seeing as I'm not in band this semester my oboe chops suck and I won't be even able to play the piece. Hell, I don't even have a copy.
-Homework and crap I'm not doing.
-I almost posted about Colin but then I remembered I'm not. You're welcome. But still, that doesn't mean he isn't on my mind. Jerk.
-I have mountains of laundry to fold that I just keep putting off.
-College apps to meet by the November 1 dead line.
-And scholarship essays.
-I forgot to go to a mandatory event today for my other internship with the museum of life science. crappp.
-For some reason I've got it drilled into my head that I'm doing NaNoWriMo even though I have neither the time nor the mental energy.
-I can't even look at a book anymore because of AP English. I 'd really like to enjoy reading again without constantly annotating that shit and worrying about writing yet more essays.

So basically... I'm not even doing anything with my days (I literally sat around all day today and I still feel totally stressed), and my head is going to explode. Honestly I kind of wish I was really getting sick, because then I could have an excuse to sit around all day and do nothing guilt free while people feel bad for me and bring me soup and stuff.
I really, really hope the source of all this sluggishness/mental exhaustion/apathy is senioritis and not my actual personality.

So.

I was just scrolling through this blog and unfortunately, it mirrors my life almost exactly. Revolves around Colin lately. How is it that I've become such an insignificant part of his life while he's still the center of mine? How could he do this to me? He said it would never be like this... but it is.

I always say that I'm going to move on. Get over it. I can't tell you how many diary entries I've started, like, today is the day I'm moving past this. Today is the day I'm putting myself first. Today is the day I'm getting over Colin. Today is the day I'll find someone new.

I can't live like this! I can't be a slave to him! God damn it, let me go!

So... my inner psychiatrist says, well, that's a step, you're realizing that you feel trapped by him.
I say, but he hasn't done anything. And yeah. I've realized that almost a month ago and look how far that got me.
You needed some time to heal, soothes my inner psychiatrist. Recovery from a broken heart takes time.
I retort, but this same shit has been going on for months. I'll get super depressed over him, then really ticked off, then I get all righteous like fuck that I don't need your shit and there are plenty of goddam fish in the goddam sea, then he'll do something nice or live me some ambiguous trail of hope and I'll fall right back in love with him.
The inner psychiatrist pauses.
Then I get pissed off and I'm like fuck this shit i'm talking to myself.

So basically... I'm going to try something else. I have no one else to vent to about Colin so that's why I put it on this blog. I know, I'm being completely unreasonable and it's stupid to think that he's the only guy I'll ever meet in my life that I'll love this much.

And the new thing I'm going to try is... I'm not going to post about him. That's it. No more Colin. And I mean it this time. Just like dieting. I'm done this time. If I can keep him off my blog, maybe I can keep him off my mind, and I'll finally be able to stop being like a zombie all the time. My parents are so mad at me because they think I'm so tired and moody all the time because of mental exhaustion from school. Nah. It's emotional exhaustion and confusion trickling into the rest of my life.

So no more of that shit!

I wonder how long this is gonna last.

I brought my own sweatshirt today.

I did that so I wouldn't be tempted to ask Colin for his.

I'm trying to get over him. Desperately. This girl on the colorguard is flirting with him. Even my sister gets a little nice with him, and she has a boyfriend! Suddenly... everyone is all over him and I can't even get close. So I just back up and give him some space. I don't think he even knows. I'm doing all I can to be near him but I know I shouldn't. It's so dumb. I'm so dumb.

But let me actually tell you a bit about him before I burn up and my head explodes. I kind of want to settle this once and for all. This is kind of a post I'm doing for me so nobody feel obligated to read it all. Unless you want to xP

So what does he look like.

Well, he's ridiculously tall - 6 foot 3, and really thin, like it makes me look obese next to him. And he's really strong too. He's got pretty nice arms and pecs and shit. I love it when he picks me up because he treats me like I weigh nothing. ego boost thank you. He's got pretty short brown hair, but when he used to wear it longer, you could tell it's pretty wavy. He has these gorgeous sea green-blue eyes. Like this:

But better. He's got this really cool thing where the freckles on his cheek line up to look like the big dipper. I call him my Star Man or Spaceman or Buck Rogers or something. He usually calls me Care Bear (it sounds like my actual name a bit haha. it was my nickname as a really little girl by an old babysitter) or brown-eyed-girl (like the Van Morrison song :] he used to say he'd listen to it and miss me. that was before his girlfriend, when things were good.)

And he wants to join the air force and fly planes and stuff. And let's see... we want to go to the same college, and he's like all game to go.

Personalitywise... I'd say he's... very hard to describe. At his worst he's childish, insensitive, hard-headed, rash, selfish, unforgiving, and touchy. But most of the time he's really chill. He's chivalrous, generous- actually, I lied, when he's not being hard-headed and slows down enough to really listen to you, he's quite sensitive. He's usually too stupid to know how to cheer youu up, but he cares enough to give you a hug and a cookie. My parents love him because he's always polite and helpful and they think he's "a very good boy." Let's see... He's pretty smart too, not in all AP classes but in several. He's really good at math and history and stuff. But he's failing physics and his grammar and spelling rot.

But now. Why do I like him.

Well… first of all, he’s my best friend, and I know him better than almost anyone. I can trust him with anything. He won’t judge. Too hard. Haha.

Hang on. List time. Color coded by positive/negative- as in, why I do like him and don’t, why I should like him and shouldn’t, etc.

• We understand each other. We always know when the other needs us. It’s this weird connection we have that I can’t put my finger on.
• While we have that special connection of togetherness, there are a few things we share, attitude-wise. I can’t put my finger on those either. I think we both believe in going above and working hard and helping others and stuff. And I think we’d have similar parenting styles. Judge if you want.
• Oh right, Colin doesn’t judge me. =]
• We’re good balances to each other and we could teach the other a lot. It's like... futurewise, I'm Earth and he's sky (I want to study the planet, he wants to fly) but personalitywise it's backwards. I’m a dreamer. Sometimes, I’m fickle and vain and set my sights too high. He’s the solid ground that stabilizes me and pulls me back down to Earth. But sometimes he’s too hard-headed and simple, and I can come up with a solution that he was too narrow-minded to see before. We’re good foils for each other.
• We have very few common interests and tastes. In fact, I’d say that sometimes our tastes are complete  opposites.
• Neither of us is “experienced.” ahem.
• He wants to join the military. I think this is hella admirable and a little bit sexy.
• But this would mean that either I go with him wherever he gets sent, or get left behind. I don’t know if I’d want to raise a family by myself.
• But then again, if he’s happy, I’m happy, and luckily, it’s vice versa.
• He’ll support me. And protect me. And take care of me.
• Also, he’s literally big and strong. That’s a perk too. Since I love it when guys pick you up.
• He’s got a giant soft spot.
• And he’s sweet and sensitive.
• When he’s not busy being an IN-sensitive jerk.
• At the very least, he’s honest and faithful. I suppose that his leaving me hanging is his way of making a conscious effort to stay 100% faithful to his girlfriend. Which I appreciate.
• Most of the time, he’s an immature fool.
• And he has no idea about most of the world.
• While I always lie to cover up, saying I’m the one who needs to grow up… he does too.
• HIS MOTHER. she's a nice lady, but controlling and manipulative and passive-agressive at her worst.
• I actually think it’s cute how he works to escape her and do his own thing. Again, military. Not afraid to defy for good reasons. Love that.
• He’s persistent. He tried again with me. Sort of.
• He has that wink and grin that melt my heart. And the wolfish grin that once a guy flashes me, it's all over and I'm all his.
• He’s younger. (which is against my ideal guy list.)
• Off said list, he fits numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 13, 14, 15, 16, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 24, 25, and 28. So actually, not damn bad.
• He’s quite a good sport.
• And my dad loves him. So does the rest of my family. I think it’s important that a guy gets along with your family.
• He’s richhhhhh. :D hahaha
• But cocky sometimes.
• And naïve.
• Not to mention hardheaded, and sometimes pretty rash.
• He genuinely cares about me, though. And we’ll definitely be friends after college.
• Like my mom always says, it’s important to fight with your fiancée before you get married to see how the other reacts to problems. Me and Colin have had our fair share of “fights.” And we handle them. So that’s good.
• Oh, he wants kids. Yay!
• He knows how to kiss.
• He gets immature about it.
• Fuck it. He’ll go my pace.
• Chivalrous and courteous to a fault!! :D
• Sometimes socially awkward. But he’s in high school, so he’ll probably get over it, I hope.
• He holds grudges like an old prejudiced woman.
• Sometimes he doesn’t know when not to make a joke.
• But he apologizes when he knows he did something wrong.
• And he’ll let you hit him too, which is always satisfying.
• He works out. xD
• And he immaturely takes his shirt off whenever possible so you know. :P
• He thinks with his dick a lot.
• But… he sees love as some permanent thing and doesn’t think relationships are just stupid things to be thrown away.

But yeah. That's that. And that's Colin. Most of the time, I don't know what the hell I see in him... but when I get caught up in whirlwind emotions and bad teenager decisions I'll think of all this and remember. I don't know if it's worth it. I don't know if I should wait for him. I mean, he waited for me, and I finally came around... but too late. We'll have to wait and see haha.

everything is everything.

On mondays, I used to take walks. It's because monday is the only day I get home from school at 3:30 and have time to take a walk in daylight. Autumn is slowly arriving in the South, but the only way you can tell is because the days are shorter. The weather is now threatening to cool down from the usual balmy 74 degrees. Trees here usually turn late and then very fast- right now they look like little green matches with a tiny red flame at the top which will eat them up in a matter of a few weeks.

Today, I decided to start my monday walks up again. I went for exercise because I was tired of being fat, and I brought my iPod with my little pedometer app and went for a jog like a boss. Unfortunately, my iPod died, but I kept the headphones in my ears to keep myself inspired. Eventually, I slowed down and pulled the earbuds out of my ears.

And suddenly... nature.

That was when I kind of just stopped. I was on the greenway; I sat on a manhole cover that jutted out of the grass and looked up at the trees. I feel like I've never missed something so big before. The fact that I'm worrying about being fat and exercising and AP classes and marching band and college applications and work and friends and Colin... and then the fact that all around my little world with all my little life-ending disasters and woes and triumphs and everything in between, the earth keeps spinning... I suddenly feel very small.

My favorite thing in the world is quite possibly leaves. For one, I'm an herbivore and I eat salads like a shark. But they're very beautiful things. Tiny colored leaves on the blacktop crunch beneath your feet- that's nice. I love how in the fall, they paint the world my favorite color, yellow. I love the way they sway in trees, light as air, the way they rustle as the wind whispers through, the way they dapple the ground with soft shadows, and the way they glow when you can look up and see the sunlight through them. They're vibrant, soft, supple, alive, and the best thing is... they come back all new every single year.
 
In the forest, you can hear chirping crickets, patter of squirrels, the soft babble of the stream, peeping of frogs, the flutter of falling leaves, rustle of branches in the breeze, twitter of birds, the shuffle of small unseen creatures, swaying grass, sleepy shade... and in the dull october warmth you can still hear the muted echo of far-off cars and airplanes.
 
I found myself wondering... someday all of this will be gone. And it's sad. We're all going to die one day. And yeah, it sucks, but life goes on. Life always goes on. It's just a fact. And to me, it's sobering, but at the same time, insanely comforting. Left to its own devices, nature always wins. We each as humans create this complicated world of mess with all our little social intricacies and machines and customs and shit, but nature is so simple... does the same crap every year. The leaves come back every year. The stars come back every night. The world will always be the same rock spinning around the same star hurdling through space. We're floating. We're flying.
 
Why am I so worried about everything all the time?
 
I don't mean that fatalistically, as in like why worry if it doesn't even matter. I just realized... no matter what happens, the world will keep turning. And bad shit will happen, and leaves will fall off trees, but they always grow back.
 
Sometimes, life sucks, but mostly, it's pretty damn beautiful.

I really should be doing my lab report for AP BIo...

But I just wanted to take a moment to share with you the absolute beauty of this piece.
I literally get goosebumps every time I hear it. Gahhhhh.
And this is why I will never get an A in AP Biology.

procrastination

has the prefix "pro"
which has a positive connotation
which is odd
because there is nothing pro about procrastination.

And now, the post about college apps.

I'm mad at my mom right now.

She's trying to help me with college applications. The thing is, I've been mentally burned out for almost a month now and I just can't focus on anything for more than three hours. She's literally making me rewrite my entire college application, insisting it isn't good enough and I'll never get in when I act the way I am in writing.

You know what?

Why can I just be me? Why CAN'T I write in my normal voice? Why do I have to put on YET ANOTHER face just to please someone else? Can I be anything other than just a number? Not everyone can be standout all the time, because then.. no one would be standout. I just don't get this.

And the other thing is, I'm tired of not being good enough all the time for her. For the rest of the world. I was Oceana's Junior Ocean Hero finalist.  I got my gold award. I have more recognitions from senators than I can count. Even the Obama administration has sent me a certificate. I'm the percussion captain. I'm in NHS. I'm in all these environmental councils and religious crap. I've got a 4.2 GPA. Really, what more do you want? How can I possibly make myself better by your standards? Why can't you just take the time to look at me as more than a conglomeration of numbers and grades? How can a tiny slice of what I did in high school determine exactly who I'll be in the future?

And my mother doesn't realize ... her writing this with me... My application right now is sounding a lot more like her than me. The last thing I want to do is spend any more time on this... so I'll worry about it later.

But honestly.
I'm tired of the bullshit. I thought that ended in college. I guess not.

And I'm especially tired of the lying. that's what I do all the time. She is telling me to suck it up and stop being so passive in my essays. Well... I'm a passive person. I dont' want to lie about how great I am. Wouldn't I stand out a lot more if everyone else is bragging about themselves and brushing themselves up and I'm just presenting me for me?

Besides, I spend all day bullshitting and lying. I lie my way through friendships. I never tell people what I really feel. I have wrecked so many relationships in my deliberation of my next move and then lying about what I'm thinking. I lie through all my classes, pretending I'm smart, studying my butt off. I lie to my parents, telling them I'm studying and working when I'm really just reading or something. And the only way I can escape my own lies is through other peoples' lies. I read books. I watch Doctor Who. I write my own stories. My life has always been on lies and pretending.

I'm really sick of lies and making shit up.
So long story short...
i'm pissed.
and the world is looking kinda crappy today.
:( :( :(
Oh wait. My mother told me to stop whining all the time. She says I need to grow up and  do it.
Doesn't anyone else see the irony in that? Grow up and lie about yourself? How can that be something we aspire to?

Okay, I could write and rant about this all day, so I better go back and resume my bullshitting now. Byeee!

Octoberrrrrr.

I'm writing this on my iPod. It is just about the coolest shite ever. Like freaking magic! I can just tell I'm going to be one of those grandmas who doesn't know that there is such thing as email and texting. I can just tell. xP I'm just a bit technology-impaired.

But anyway, that's not the point. Typing out a whole blog post would take me hours haha and I totally don't have time or energy for that (I meant to go to sleep like three hours ago...) but I figure I'll give y'all a taste of what I plan on posting... Provided that I get a free second. Cause guess what! The soul searching is not over! and I am not giving up!

First of all, thanks to the lovely people out there on the interwebs who have ever given me help or advice or even the coveted comment. I don't get much attention in my actual life; I mean, no one really stands still long enough to listen to me. So the fact that you're taking several minutes to cheer up a complete stranger, well, you are indeed a fabulous and all-around good sort of person. :)

Anyhow, the posts.
- one about Colin. He's not quite as douchey as I make him sound (I hope.) and I'll just throw some crap up about him and attempt to justify myself for... Okay, *loving* him.
- something about how Doctor Who is literally changing my life. i know how nerdy this sounds.
- perhaps some crap about college.
- I'd like to finish that questions series I was doing; you know, the one with all the impossible questions.
- my apparent love of semicolons.
- why marching band is good but stressful.
- why I'm ready to leave and why I'm not.
- books I'd like to read, movies I'd like to see.
- my sister and I are hopefully getting free flight lessons and might get our licenses. Should be frickin' awesome!!
- perhaps a detailed history of my love life?
- and maybe the essay I wrote for English about why I'm a vegetarian and how it's changed me.

 I'm up to my ears in work, but given the five minute breather, I'll hop on to my lovely little Internet escape and spill my heart to lovely people that actually listen.

Kay my pointer's falling off and iPod is dying- gotta goooo byeeee!

kay so i just realized...

... my life is really, really pathetic.

I've drafted this post a hundred times to try and come up with an interesting way to say it, or perhaps to come off like some tragic, witty, charming genius trapped in a mundane lifestyle, or maybe just to not sound like a total whine bucket like I'm about to. But there is no interesting way to tell you my life story.

That's what I'm realizing from procrastinating on doing college applications. Really. "What makes you stand out from your peers?" Um... I write fan fiction can pretend to play the ukulele. "What is a challenge you have overcome and how has it shaped you as a person?" Well... I pretty much haven't solved any of my problems yet, otherwise I'd be happy as shit. Actually, there was this one time where I got hoplessly lost the first time I drove myself further than twenty miles and I had a mental breakdown and realized at that moment that one day I was going to grow up and one day I was going to die; the spark of that epiphany was just because I got lost this one time. But that's embarrassing and I don't want to put that in an essay. "What qualities do you have to offer to better this college?" I'll probably pretend to study a lot and follow all of your rules and generally not make a scene. You're welcome.

But here's the other thing.
There is also nothing remotely interesting about me. Everyone says that. Or I'm just not special.

In pit, my own section members even joke about that. They call me a not-fun bitch. And they tell me I'm old and fat. I know it's just jokes and sometimes they are pretty funny... but they're right. And it's stupid because I actually feel more alone than I've ever really felt before... I'm kind of tired of pretending to myself about how popular and well liked I've become when in reality, no one would pick me over anyone else, to face it bluntly.

Know what just randomly occured to me today? I don't really have a best friend. I pretend I do but honestly... I'm back to feeling where I wouldn't mind moving to a new place and starting all over. I guess that just means I'm ready for college. But I can't go when I'm this low, feeling this worthless.

I really want to blame Colin for all of this, for not treating me like I'm special. Or all of my bitchy girlfriends who have this fantastic habit of leaving me out of stuff. I really want to blame my sister for just getting everything she wants without trying. I really want to blame my parents for cracking me up to the world to be this great person I pretend to be, while I'm really just some lazy bitch who's pretty good at BS'ing.

and blah blah yada yada I know the only one to blame is myself yada blah blah blah. Yes. I know that. Gah.
Sorry, world, for having next-to-nothing to offer.

I really hope my self-esteem comes back because I've been feeling like this for about two months on and off and it's getting soooo old.

I think I'd like to do NaNoWriMo.

We'll see how well this is going to work.

It starts... in 28 days. November 1. Okay, november, get ready to smd because my novel's gonna be tmi for you and youll be like idk wtf and i'll be like lol smh.

Ha.