closed door, open window

"I’m scared.

I often get the feeling that I should pack a duffel bag and run away from home. But I have no money or means of transportation, and I would easy be caught by the cops because they’re already suspicious of random teenagers roaming the streets, especially with duffel bags.

Policeman: Where are you headed?

Me: The heavens.

I’m too young, too naive, and I fall in love with every boy that even glances at me. Yeah, being human is complicated, being a teenage girl is Rubik’s cube level of difficulty.

Good thing I’m able to get one side."

.....

I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. Sorry for lack of posting, if anyone cares. XP

Made

Made is coming to our school. Actually, it already has. You know, that lame MTV show or whatever where they turn some scrawny little white boy into a bodybuilder? Yeah, it's the same here, only it's a scrawny little black boy, and the rumors say he's going for bodybuilder too but I don't trust them. =_=

*going off on a random tangent (Hey, we all know MTV has commercials, right? ha.)- I just got back from a band competition, we kicked total ass! A scale of 1-6 with 1 being superior and 6 being poor, we played our music for three judges and got two 1s and a 2! And in sightreading we got straight 1s all down the page! I'm totally psyched. We're the only band to get 1s at my school, of three. Okay, back to Made.*

So, there were TV cameras here today. I walked past one on my way to the band room. They were following this boy around, and they were interviewing random kids too. Well actually, I don't know if they were random or not, maybe they're his friends. I don't know.

It's just kind of cool. It's the random little things that make your day. I could be on MTV's Made and have no idea whatsoever that I was. *shrugs* We live in the most boring town in America, and for us, this is excitement.

Guess what?

I have decided that everything Greek is amazing. Particularly Santorini, the food, the music, the clothes, the art, the architecture, the literature, the language, the water, the mountains, the olives, the pita bread (shhh), the folklore, the islands, the names, the Mediterranean, the sky, the baklava, the spices, the herbs, the smell (though I've never even been there but I guess it would smell like salt water and fish and sky and boats and olives and grapes and Greece!), souvlaki, the music again, the little jingly scarves, the dances...

Ha. Greece is amazing. Much more amazing than America. We suck. XP

I Lied

If I knew what was wrong, I could fix it.

a song for today

Tell me where our time went

And if it was time well spent

Just don't let me fall asleep

Feeling empty again

Cuz I fear I might break

And I fear I can't take it

Tonight i'll lie awake

Feeling empty

I can feel the pressure

It's getting closer now

We're better off without you

I can feel the pressure

It's getting closer now

We're better off without you

Now that I'm losing hope

And there's nothing else to show

For all the days that we spent

Carry away from home

Some things I'll never know

And I had to let them go

I'm sitting all aloneFeeling empty

I can feel the pressure

It's getting closer now

We're better off without you

I can feel the pressure

It's getting closer now

We're better off without you

Without you

Some things I'll never know

And I had to let them go

Some things I'll never know

And I had to let them go

But I'm sitting all alone

Feeling empty

I can feel the pressure

It's getting closer now

We're better off without you

I can feel the pressure

It's getting closer now

You're better off without me

So, this is happiness...

I knew it. I just knew it. When January, February, and the first half of March were busy sucking, I was praying that some magic switch would flip the day I turned fifteen and it would be all better. Yesterday, obviously I didn't feel that great about my theory.

But today ... It was like ... I was right! That magical switch that turned on the light and made the darkness stop and the monsters go away... it worked!

Today, my best friend got her first kiss (I'm not going to say who in case she wants to say it herself), and I was so happy I was finally brave enough to try sitting at an actual table at lunch with actual people. And they didn't kick me out! They actually talked to me! It was amazing!

Band class, I could actually play everything for once. I laughed along with everyone else. I smiled for real when I smiled at people, not just to be polite.

So, this is happiness... This is the dog's bollocks, man! I don't think I've been truly happy for months. Just plastering on a smile for the rest of the world, or else trying desperately to make myself happy. Or maybe it was one of my lucky, fleeting hours where I actually feel good.

Too many inner battles are raging in my head, I'm losing count. But today, even though it's raining on the outside, the sun is starting to shine on the inside.

And after writing all that profoundness and all, I'm just ready for tomorrow to suck and the rest of the month to keep sucking. But at least the sun's shining today. =)

Hi

Hm... well, it's finally my birthday... but life doesn't feel much better as being fifteen than fourteen. Not bad. Just not better.

Today...

Jeez. I don't even want to say it. I got a text from one of my guy friends who is interested in something more (but I'm not sure if I am) saying that he saw a condom commercial on TV today. Oh, that's just great. Sees a condom commercial and thinks of me? Joy. Joy, joy, joy.

Sorry for not writing... This week's been kinda weird. I had an asthma attack on... hm, Wednesday? Or was it Tuesday? I dunno, earlier in the week, and then had an emotional breakdown on Thursday and cast out a nightcrawler, god poked with literally 140 needles on Friday to find the source of these asthma attacks... oh, by the way, I found out that I'm allergic to some trees, fall weeds, weeds at all, cats, dogs, dust, dust mites, mold, bee stings, fire ants (isn't everyone?), and very allergic to all types of grass. My right arm and back look like they've been through a freaking cheese grater. Ugh.

Anyhow...

Life's boring.

Still confusing.

But it isn't like I thought all this would change on my fifteenth birthday.

In Hans Christian Andersen's version of the Little Mermaid, the mermaids get to go to the surface once they turn fifteen. I'm kinda not feeling that sunshine yet, I'm still feeling a bit bottom-of-the-ocean-ish.

my brain is melting 0_o

I got home from school today, ate a bowl of cheerios, sat down and watched like three episodes of People's Court because nothing else was on. Got online, checked my email, spent like an hour on gaia doing absolutely nothing, and then I went and looked up pictures of "Epic Fails" because a certain post in the GD inspired me to.

Now that I've wasted nearly three hours of my life on this crap.

I can feel my brain melting for sitting here so long, seeing all the stupid people in the world. I mean, suing each other for stupid things like holding their stuff while they were in jail and God forbid, actually using it. Wow. And dogs running into trees and people faceplanting on trampolines.

I swear, the human race is so stupid.

And my brain is melting. Stupid intenet. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I think I need a new adjective.

A new life.

And a new brain that just melted.

Well, at least if my brain's melted, I can't think about anything. Which is good. Because if you can't think about it then it's not a problem really. Twisted logic. *sigh*

Nothing else to say

I just cannot crawl out of this hole. I try, and every time I start to get somewhere, the mud slips out from under my feet and gravity drags me back down.

Key:

Hole = My Life

Climbing = Trying To Return To Normal (AKA Once Upon A Time, Long Ago, In A Faraway Land, Happy)

Mud Slips = Something Bad Happens (Again)

Gravity = Life, People. My "Friends."

Mud = Problems, Confusion, Sticky Shit That Won't Even Let Me Breathe When I'm Facedown In It.

Me = Someone Very, Very Lost, Lonely, And Confused

Ten Words... okay, more than ten

1. Life

2. Is

3. A

4. Wandering

5. Road

6. That

7. I

8. Can't

9. Freaking

10. Find

11. Anywhere

12. Because

13. Usually

14. If

15. You're

16. Lost

17. You're

18. Probably

19. On

20. The

21. Wrong

22. Road

23. Or

25. Not

26. At

27. All

28. And

29. I

30. Have

31. No

32. Freaking

33. Idea

34. What

35. Is

36. Going

37. On

38. PLEASE

39. HALP!

40. And you said I couldn't write poetry. I call it... the pointless list form. This is the new haiku.

Rodney

Well... I went finally to Marsh Woodwinds to get my oboe fixed and Rodney was there (well, he always is, after all he is the owner) and so was Jacob. And they fixed my oboe and la de da...

We talked about music.

Some interesting points Rodney made...

Classical music, sadly, just cannot compete with hip hop. It's like, people will blast their basses and their hip hop and rap at stoplights and whatever and make you feel like you want to tear your hair out or something. He said that blaring classical or jazz is good too. After all, your bass speakers will still most definitely be thumping. He said there's a certain charm to baroque, romantic, and classical music. (Those are three of the periods that classical music is divided into- right now we're in the contemporary period.)

And Rodney said that if he ever meets one guy who is blaring classical music in his car, he says he will put his car in park, get out, walk all the way around, and shake the guy's hand.

I'm going to be one of those people... anyone want to join? XP

Hi again, and sorry...

Hey everyone...

Sorry for being such a pessimist. Really. I just realized that every time I talk to you all (especially on here) I'm groveling or bitching or moaning about something. So I'm sorry you have to listen to all that negative crap and feel obliged to tell me I'm not all those bad things I say I am. I didn't create this just for sympathy. *sigh* But that doesn't mean I don't appreciate it! XP

Thanks for listening.

And now I'll stop being a bitch about my pitiful, pathetic life. Because it's really not that pitiful... just kinda pathetic, know?

Byeee

Well...

EDIT: I take it back. My real friends do not ignore me. You know who you are. The rest of you, who probably also know who you are, fuck whatever you.


I've decided to stop the whole Self-Portrait Tuesday thing for a number of reasons.

1. I don't want to put pictures of myself online that anyone could piece together. I don't know who'd care enough to find me, but anyways.

2. Because all I have to take the pictures is a shitty little cell phone. *sigh*

3. And because I have no freaking time and I wrote half these blog entries in my written journal already.

So there you have it. If I'm super bored I might do one but it probably won't even be on a tuesday. =)


Well..... I just kind of want to say... life still sucks. Since I'm in a kind of list-y, bitchy mood, I'll make another list and share my woes with you, if anyone cares enough to read this.

1. My parents are taking me somewhere on the 8th for a birthday surprise (even though it's not until the 15th...) and I spent a whole month thinking they were taking me to the mountains or the aquarium or Virginia Beach or the art museum or whatever... but can you guess what it is? Jesus Christ Superstar. A Christian musical. I could just die. I should be happy they spent money to get good seats but... ugh they're so insensitive.

2. How the hell could I still call myself a Pagan/Wiccan/whatever the fuck I am yet still love Jesus and strive to follow his teachings?

3. Is my imaginary boyfriend actually real, like a lost soul or something that needs my help? Call me an idiot but I really think it's true. I just have no idea where I'm supposed to help send him on to, why he chose me to latch on to, if I'm right, if he's even real or I'm making him up...

4. I just lost a very important screw off my oboe and one of the keys is now hanging off. I played it yesterday and it was fine but today in class I looked down and it was goooone. I'm so tired of going to Marsh Woodwinds, and I'm pretty sure they're so tired of seeing me too.

5. I just got my ears pierced again (two holes in each ear now) and I went to school and tried to subtly show them off and nobody noticed. *sigh* And I felt like I was instantly so cool too, haha. I guess not. (*lame-o*)

6. Today, after lunch, I was sitting in the hall in front of my class, and two of my girlfriends walked by who I used to be really tight with. I said hi, one of them also said hi, and then they went and sat down the hall maybe thirty feet away from me and ignored me. I just don't get it.

7. One of my girl friends is being sooooo rude to one of my guy friends. She really talks shit about him behind his back and it's like she expects me to agree.

8. My mother is still making me do so much stuff I don't want to do. She finally realized that maybe she's pushing me a bit too hard. Naw, ya think? Let's make a mini-list. Join an orchestra which I majorly don't want to do but am still doing anyway, join like eighty million clubs, start working on my stupid Gold Award already, talk to all these people who will flick me away like you'd flick lint off your socks, be Christian when she doesn't even know what I am (well, I don't even know, so I guess it doesn't count) and Catholic at that... I'll stop there. Ugh.

9. I'm still ignored everywhere I go... still nobody, still a wallflower... With Georgie, major PMS that isn't just the P part, bitcy, itchy, and maybe a witchy. But I have no idea. I never do. And people always want me to have an idea. But I just don't fucking know.

If you didn't read this, then go away. XP

Bored

Life is boring. It snowed here again. Iced, rather. I should be happy, it's quite amazing to have three snow days in one year when you live in the south.

But I am soooooooo bored.