talking about things people don't talk about.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I've been going running a lot too, trying to drag and yank my body into the shape i want it to be. (It ain't workin' :P) And then I get all angry when I run and get all self-righteous and confident like shit I don’t need no man! and all sorts of other things. Then once my heart rate slows down and my headache goes away (I'm probably running wrong somehow but then again... asthma sigh), I sit at my computer and type all the things I mulled over in my sweaty anger.

I hate running, but I keep going anyway. It’s like a life lesson. Even when things hurt and you hate everything, you should still keep going and keep pushing through, because you’ll be stronger in the end. If you stop and cut corners, you’re only not helping yourself.

Now to the meat and potatoes of this post (or whatever vegetarian substitute you prefer; perhaps quinoa): How many people have sex? I don't mean statistics. I mean, around me, how many people do it? Who? Why?

We’re trying to do adult things when we’re not adults. He can’t grow up and think about things and the consequences of his actions. Me on the other hand, I think too much, I worry too much. Does that fit the bill of being an adult?Isn't worrying too much something adults do? Am I trying to grow up too fast? Because, let’s think… I was so firm in my self-discipline of not having sex, but just like the running, I hated resisting because resisting was hard, so I stopped and caved in. I don’t have as much willpower and determination as I pretend I do.

In reality, I give up pretty easily.

I give up trying to get any other guys than him. (Oh, that word, HIM, who can mean anyone but you probably know who I mean.) I don’t try because I’m afraid. Being afraid of nothing, that’s more of a child thing than an adult thing,isn't it.

And I also thought, what's the difference between sex and making love? What is love? I said I was going to think about that. I’m pretty sure he and I love each other, but what kind of love is it? And… why are we trying so hard to be adults? We’re not having sex to fit in. We’re having sex because we want to. Because it brings us closer, as friends, and as whatever else we are. We're having sex because we're bored, and sex is something that people hide and don't talk about; and having a secret, that makes you interesting, that makes your life exciting, somehow.

But in reality, we’re just two shaking kids getting it on.

I finished a book of short stories by Charles Bukowski, as recommended to me by a friend named Scarlett (whose social group I've always admired for their free-spirited, who-gives-a-fuck, beatnik generation kind of attitude). I told Scarlett I liked it. I did. Bukowski’s fascinating. I don’t get why people don’t talk about sex and stuff or why they find it all so offensive. Our sex lives are things we all keep secret. Who the fuck cares? If we all have the same secrets and the same hidden sexual desires, why try so hard to keep them holed up?

I don’t know why people can’t talk about sex or their sexual urges. Those are something everyone has. Just like everyone has the urge to pee. If you announce you have to pee, I mean, some people will be like, ok, tmi, but it’s not completely taboo. Why don’t people talk about sex? What’s so bad about it that it’s got to be hushed up? You don’t talk to children about sex, sure, but you also don’t talk to them about politics. That doesn't mean politics don’t exist. Doesn't mean they’re horrible things that should be kept private. Sure, you can offend somebody with it and sure it’s complicated and serious, but the more people know about it, possibly the wiser choices they’ll make.

I don’t know,

Look at me getting all philosophical and shit. I'm all by myself on campus. I have no idea where everyone is. I feel like the world just left me behind. That's how i feel a lot. like even coming to college with 35,000 people and i still feel totally alone when he's not here.