catharsis; an explosion of humany-wumany feelings in a very long blog post.

I have officially broken up with Colin in my head. This is funny; most girls have a first relationship before a first break-up. Hm. Well, I guess things just can’t be normal. They can be crazy and boring at the same time, which puzzles me just as much has having a break-up before a relationship.

FML.

I’m mad at Colin.

There, I said it. I’m mad at him. Why? I don’t know. A lot of things. Mostly, it’s just me cracking under the past few months. My trust in him is gone.

I don't know if I said this, but I managed to help him get a job at the same place I work at. He nagged for months, asking me to help him find a job. But he was only partly serious. He was a little shocked when I told him that my boss could use some extra hands.

He worked a grand two shifts before my boss fired him. The one we worked together was pretty good. Then, he was on his own on a Tuesday, when I don’t work. He had just come back from a big ROTC interview in Raleigh and was a little stressed. Apparently his performance was bad- according to my boss he wandered around like he was lost all the time, and he messed up tips so badly it took my boss an hour to fix. And he also said that Colin never asked any questions, just went ahead and did it.

So he fired him. Not permanently, I don’t think. He just never had time to get trained properly. My boss said to me, "What I need is someone like you. You're wonderful." (If only a guy my age would say that.) "But when I look at you two, you're as different as night and day." (If only he knew how much that statement cut. God.) But anyway, he's asked me to make all these checklists and my boss mentioned to keep Colin in mind.

And after that I called Colin, and we talked about it. I asked him to at least have the decency to call my boss back and apologize for his performance and stuff, or ask to reschedule a day for official training, and thank him for the opportunity, but he didn’t. Then I was like, do it for me, since I recommended you and I don’t want to look like I have terrible judgment. I begged. He insisted no.

So then I got pissed. What, I have to spoon feed him everything? I gave up then.

We didn’t really talk much after that. I mean, we didn’t not talk…

It’s just that we have nothing to talk about.

…Which hurts, because up until now, I really thought I knew and understood him. And it turns out, I don’t know him well at all. (footnote. It's weird, I've never been able to say when something hurts me. Due to my strange self-esteem problem idk if I've explained, I have this weird conception that I'm not worthy of hurting because I don't really deserve much more than that... I mean, I can say something sucks, but it's hard to say that it "hurts me." *shrug* i know, it's kinda twisted.)

The other thing, was when I told him how I felt about him, which was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, he still couldn’t be straight with me. He kept beating around the bush. And I was like, I understand if you don’t want to be friends… and his reply was, “no way! You’re way too fun to mess with.” And that bothered me. I know that’s his way of trying to be light-hearted, but honestly, couldn’t he have said, “you’re much too good of a friend” or “you’re way too fun to have around” or something. No, he’s got to be his immature, thinking-with-penis, i-need-a-micro-managing-mommy self.

And I’m not going to be his damn mother, because goodness knows, he's hen-pecked enough.

So, I stopped liking him, because I realized that it’s probably never going to work between us. Not until he grows the fuck up, at least.

I’m texting him right now. He didn’t even get accepted into his alternate school. Good thing he’s joining the military…

He never gives me any texting material. I always have to be the one to keep it going. And I usually text first.

You know what? Fuck this.

On the way to work today, I cried in my car. And I screamed. I was listening to Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra, and it was dark and storming, and I was feeling fat, and I was driving to work while my little sister made out with her boyfriend and all my other friends were probably hanging out. And I just thought, damn it, life is not fair. And when I get pissed, I just get in my car and shriek and shriek until my throat gets raw. Which it did. And I cried.

And I went to work, pissed but covering it up, and my boss called me Caroline. I almost cried. He calls me Caroline and I’ve been working there for like six months. God.

Then, as I plastered on my happy face, it stuck. And I thought of what the Nazis put over those concentration camps, that saying, Arbeit macht frei, “Work sets you free.” And I hate to say it, but I understand what they meant. Usually, I’m all bitching about going to work because it means getting out of bed. But when I get there, it’s not bad. I’m free from my own problems; I become someone else. I have to act the way the job requires, so I do, and I forget about my life for a while. I become Caroline.

When most people first meet me, I’m Caroline, because most of the time, they don’t realize that it’s Carolyn. Sometimes they don’t take the time to check. I never correct them though. I don't know why. I like being Caroline, because everyone else likes her. When I'm her, I’m usually smiling and happy and witty. Then I run out of jokes and energy and cheeky one-liners and I get boring, and then I’m Carolyn again. And that’s when people walk all over me because in an attempt to keep friends around I get way too nice. And that’s okay, because it keeps people around. <-- That is a little bit sad.

I don’t understand why I’m not Caroline all the time. Maybe I should be. I think people like her better. Carolyn is … the same as Caroline, just not as funny or interesting. Both are pretty nice, thoughtful, hard-working, I guess... But I think only a few people know Carolyn. I only let a few people in.

I wonder who Colin knows.

And I wonder if that would have changed his mind.

But you know what? I’m glad we’re not together. I don’t have time for a boyfriend. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m so glad it isn’t him.