I love this.

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy..., every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.


And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.

-Aaron Freeman

I'm not tired.

Instead, I'll post all the pictures I've found that have cheered me up in the past ... while. :)

Ha.

Love again.

I NEVER thought I'd be able to fall for another guy until everything that happened this month.

Now, I spent a bit of last semester English kind of looking at this guy named Marc, and he was kind of cute. I mean he had a really big nose. But he seemed really intelligent and funny and kind of sweet and stuff. And he had a tattoo and I know he had a band.

And last week, in English, we had to make these videos explaining our lives so far in high school and his was sooo good. He's so funny and he tells stories so well and he has a way with words, and he's artistic, and he can laugh at himself, and appreciates good music...

I have very minimal chance with him because we didn't talk once in class, and I don't think he realizes I exist, and I have no excuse to talk to him because it's second semester senior year and we have no classes together. sigh.

And tonight I finally listened to his band online and they are SOOOOO GOOD and his voice is AMAZING and he is just SO GOOD and he's SINGLE-

and now I know what I want in a guy.

Someone who can make intelligent conversation. Someone I can sing in the car with. Someone who appreciates good literature. Someone who admires nature. Someone who's not afraid to say I Don't Know. Someone braver than me who can take me by the hand and show me life. Someone who can just let go and do something for the hell of it.
Someone.
Anyone.
kthxbai.

catharsis; an explosion of humany-wumany feelings in a very long blog post.

I have officially broken up with Colin in my head. This is funny; most girls have a first relationship before a first break-up. Hm. Well, I guess things just can’t be normal. They can be crazy and boring at the same time, which puzzles me just as much has having a break-up before a relationship.

FML.

I’m mad at Colin.

There, I said it. I’m mad at him. Why? I don’t know. A lot of things. Mostly, it’s just me cracking under the past few months. My trust in him is gone.

I don't know if I said this, but I managed to help him get a job at the same place I work at. He nagged for months, asking me to help him find a job. But he was only partly serious. He was a little shocked when I told him that my boss could use some extra hands.

He worked a grand two shifts before my boss fired him. The one we worked together was pretty good. Then, he was on his own on a Tuesday, when I don’t work. He had just come back from a big ROTC interview in Raleigh and was a little stressed. Apparently his performance was bad- according to my boss he wandered around like he was lost all the time, and he messed up tips so badly it took my boss an hour to fix. And he also said that Colin never asked any questions, just went ahead and did it.

So he fired him. Not permanently, I don’t think. He just never had time to get trained properly. My boss said to me, "What I need is someone like you. You're wonderful." (If only a guy my age would say that.) "But when I look at you two, you're as different as night and day." (If only he knew how much that statement cut. God.) But anyway, he's asked me to make all these checklists and my boss mentioned to keep Colin in mind.

And after that I called Colin, and we talked about it. I asked him to at least have the decency to call my boss back and apologize for his performance and stuff, or ask to reschedule a day for official training, and thank him for the opportunity, but he didn’t. Then I was like, do it for me, since I recommended you and I don’t want to look like I have terrible judgment. I begged. He insisted no.

So then I got pissed. What, I have to spoon feed him everything? I gave up then.

We didn’t really talk much after that. I mean, we didn’t not talk…

It’s just that we have nothing to talk about.

…Which hurts, because up until now, I really thought I knew and understood him. And it turns out, I don’t know him well at all. (footnote. It's weird, I've never been able to say when something hurts me. Due to my strange self-esteem problem idk if I've explained, I have this weird conception that I'm not worthy of hurting because I don't really deserve much more than that... I mean, I can say something sucks, but it's hard to say that it "hurts me." *shrug* i know, it's kinda twisted.)

The other thing, was when I told him how I felt about him, which was honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, he still couldn’t be straight with me. He kept beating around the bush. And I was like, I understand if you don’t want to be friends… and his reply was, “no way! You’re way too fun to mess with.” And that bothered me. I know that’s his way of trying to be light-hearted, but honestly, couldn’t he have said, “you’re much too good of a friend” or “you’re way too fun to have around” or something. No, he’s got to be his immature, thinking-with-penis, i-need-a-micro-managing-mommy self.

And I’m not going to be his damn mother, because goodness knows, he's hen-pecked enough.

So, I stopped liking him, because I realized that it’s probably never going to work between us. Not until he grows the fuck up, at least.

I’m texting him right now. He didn’t even get accepted into his alternate school. Good thing he’s joining the military…

He never gives me any texting material. I always have to be the one to keep it going. And I usually text first.

You know what? Fuck this.

On the way to work today, I cried in my car. And I screamed. I was listening to Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra, and it was dark and storming, and I was feeling fat, and I was driving to work while my little sister made out with her boyfriend and all my other friends were probably hanging out. And I just thought, damn it, life is not fair. And when I get pissed, I just get in my car and shriek and shriek until my throat gets raw. Which it did. And I cried.

And I went to work, pissed but covering it up, and my boss called me Caroline. I almost cried. He calls me Caroline and I’ve been working there for like six months. God.

Then, as I plastered on my happy face, it stuck. And I thought of what the Nazis put over those concentration camps, that saying, Arbeit macht frei, “Work sets you free.” And I hate to say it, but I understand what they meant. Usually, I’m all bitching about going to work because it means getting out of bed. But when I get there, it’s not bad. I’m free from my own problems; I become someone else. I have to act the way the job requires, so I do, and I forget about my life for a while. I become Caroline.

When most people first meet me, I’m Caroline, because most of the time, they don’t realize that it’s Carolyn. Sometimes they don’t take the time to check. I never correct them though. I don't know why. I like being Caroline, because everyone else likes her. When I'm her, I’m usually smiling and happy and witty. Then I run out of jokes and energy and cheeky one-liners and I get boring, and then I’m Carolyn again. And that’s when people walk all over me because in an attempt to keep friends around I get way too nice. And that’s okay, because it keeps people around. <-- That is a little bit sad.

I don’t understand why I’m not Caroline all the time. Maybe I should be. I think people like her better. Carolyn is … the same as Caroline, just not as funny or interesting. Both are pretty nice, thoughtful, hard-working, I guess... But I think only a few people know Carolyn. I only let a few people in.

I wonder who Colin knows.

And I wonder if that would have changed his mind.

But you know what? I’m glad we’re not together. I don’t have time for a boyfriend. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m so glad it isn’t him.

things, part 6 (things i want to do in life)

1. Hike up the Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine, all 2000 miles.
2. Learn Japanese, and go study in Japan.
3. Go to Australia, work there, live there.
4. Hitchhike somewhere.
5. Fly in a biplane.
6. Stay in the Burj al-Arab.
7. Drive across the country.
8. Live at the beach.
9. Grow my own food.
10. Drop to a size 4.
11. Write a book.
12. Significantly help a stranger.
13. Break a law.
14. Get a cartilage piercing.
15. Watch every single Doctor Who episode.
16. Cut my hair in a bob.
17. Win some big contest.
18. Go to a live concert for some band I really like, like Vampire Weekend or Starfucker.
19. Throw money in the Trevi fountain.
20. Get married and have kids, of course :)

PS. Right now, I'm sick of Colin. I think I'm giving up on him. I always say that, though. Although this time, I think I might mean it.

I know I shouldn't say this, but I really feel like I'm gonna be one of those girls who sleeps around in college. Not because I'm needy or because I'm a whore or because I'm just being rebellious, I think it'll be just cause I honestly don't give a shit and I'll do what I want. I'm tired of letting anyone govern me. Now that I've said that, I'm afraid of actually becoming that... but whatever. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling constricted. I'm tired of feeling deferred. And I'm sick as fuck of getting used.

Now it's what I want to do and, and it's somehow convincing myself that I'm worth it.

Gems of advice 1, 2, and 3.

1. My mama always told me that you should fight with your husband before you marry him. Not on purpose, she amended, just... fights happen in any relationship, no matter how good. And, she said, you'll know how he acts when things aren't smooth sailing and you'll see how he handles problems. That, she said, is very important.

2. I once had a babysitter who told me that my sisters and I would one day be best friends. We looked at each other, stuck our tongues out, and shook our heads. "Doubt it!" we all said. And now... we are best friends.

3. My friend's Japanese grandmother told me I should only eat until I'm 80% full. That way, she said, you'll never have to worry about overeating or feel sick if food expands in your stomach... and you'll have room for suprise deserts! She then served me and my friend some of her homemade cookies. :)

Making money.

I've got to leave in ten minutes for work, but I figure I should take a second to write.

Interesting factoid: I had my first break-up... but I never actually had a relationship. Well, here it is:
Me and Colin broke up. Colin and I, whatever. We ended our agreement to date in college, we ended our open relationship that would let us date other people. I felt like a whore. We never did anything. We just had that name tying is together, leaving us open, letting in infection like a festering wound. So, together, we closed it.

And now we're closer than ever.
Hm.

This isn't quite how I wanted things to work out, but he's happy with his girlfriend he thinks he's serious about, and if he's happy, I'm happy, and honestly, I'm just happy with this too. Somehow I got him a job at the same restaurant I work at - we work Wednesdays and Fridays together, i think - and it's okay. We work really well together.

It would suck if all we were meant to be was friends...

But then again, I guess it's not so bad.

Shot down.

What a great way to start the new year.

i'm eating fun dip right now, not givin' a fuckkkkk.

I'm about to be so done with this town, it's disgusting.
Dubstep is honestly the only thing making me happy right now.
Good thing I've got a ton of it :)

For example: