HILARIOUS

Today I was eating a cupcake when the phone rang. I panicked and stuffed the entire cupcake into my mouth. I still don't know why I did that. MLIA

Last night, my dad walked in on my girlfriend and me. He asked if he could join in. We were playing rock band. MLIA.

Today, I woke up with a piece of toast on my face. I have no clue as to how it got there because I live alone. All I know is that my window was open overnight. MLIA

Today, I was texting in class. My 20-something teacher looked at me, and asked me to stand up. Cunningly, I hid the phone between my legs. My teacher asked me to open my legs. I winked. I got detention. MLIA

Today I joined a new website and used the word "penis" as my password. The website said my password was too short. MLIA

Today, I came home to my mom scowling, my dad smirking, and my little sister grinning. Apparently, my sister got into a fight with a fellow 5th grader, saying that the Beatles pwned the Jonas Brothers. My sister and the girl argued until my sister tackled her while yelling, "I am the walrus! Goo goo g'joob!" I have never before felt like such a positive influence to my siblings. MLIA

Today, my little brother asked me what "porn" is. Not wanting to tell him the truth, I immediately told him it was the abbreviation of "popcorn". Later at night he told my parents that he wanted to watch a movie with porn. MLIA

Today, I had a chemistry test I didn't study for, so I stayed home from school. When the school called to ask why I wasn't at school, I panicked and told them I was having menstrual cramps. They accepted my story without question. I'm a guy. MLIA.

Today my doctor told me I need to take Steroids for a week. I asked him if it would shrink my testicles. He politely reminded me that I am a girl. MLIA

Today, I realized that the word OK is a sideways person. I totally forgot about what I was doing and proceeded to make a whole family of OK people on a word document by using different colors and font sizes. MLIA
Today, while driving to work I passed a Catholic Church who's sign read "Happy Rosh Hashanah to our Jewish Neighbors." Next to the the church is a synagogue who's sign read "Thank You!" Its nice to know that they get along despite thier differences. MLIA

Today, my dad pointed the TV remote at me. I started making beeping sounds. My dad looked confused, so I explained, "You turned me on." I immediately regretted this. MLIA.

Today, my teacher saw me texting under the desk and grabbed my phone. She didnt grab my penis. MLIA.

A fortnight ago I finally solved my rubiks cube. I waited two weeks to post this so that I could use the word fortnight.

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She yelled out the name Tommy. My name is Tommy. MLIA

Last night, I was really hot in bed, so I took one leg out of the covers. Then I got scared because it was too dark and my leg felt unprotected from somthing hiding under my bed. So I put it back under the blankets. MLIA

Today, I realized that I am unemployed, live with my mother, play video games all day in my basement, and I am still a virgin. It's alright, I finish 9th grade next week. MLIA

Today, as I was waiting on line at a store, I noticed the cashier had a British accent. When it was my turn, I faked a British accent in conversation. He asked me where I was from, so I admitted that I was faking. His British accent disappeared as he said, "Me too." MLIA.

Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold. MLIA

Today, my boss passed me in the hall at work and asked me "Do you have a sec?". I was trying to be flippant and replied "I have tons of secs". We both pretended I didn't say that. MLIA.

Today, the whole world came crashing down on me, so I got some tape and stuck the map back onto the wall. MLIA

Today, I wanted to comment on a friend's status, but it was only a few seconds old and I didn't want to seem like a stalker. I waited a few minutes and then commented. MLIA

Today, I was trying to telepathically communicate with my teacher in class. He didnt look at me the whole time I was calling out 'sir' loudly in my head, then I thought I'd lie and tell him I slept with his wife, he glanced at me from the corner of his eye. I know he can hear me. MLIA

Today I ate a tootsie pop. It took 473 licks to get to the tootsie roll center. You're welcome world. MLIA

Today I had rice. I'm asian. MLIA

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