HILARIOUS

Today I was eating a cupcake when the phone rang. I panicked and stuffed the entire cupcake into my mouth. I still don't know why I did that. MLIA

Last night, my dad walked in on my girlfriend and me. He asked if he could join in. We were playing rock band. MLIA.

Today, I woke up with a piece of toast on my face. I have no clue as to how it got there because I live alone. All I know is that my window was open overnight. MLIA

Today, I was texting in class. My 20-something teacher looked at me, and asked me to stand up. Cunningly, I hid the phone between my legs. My teacher asked me to open my legs. I winked. I got detention. MLIA

Today I joined a new website and used the word "penis" as my password. The website said my password was too short. MLIA

Today, I came home to my mom scowling, my dad smirking, and my little sister grinning. Apparently, my sister got into a fight with a fellow 5th grader, saying that the Beatles pwned the Jonas Brothers. My sister and the girl argued until my sister tackled her while yelling, "I am the walrus! Goo goo g'joob!" I have never before felt like such a positive influence to my siblings. MLIA

Today, my little brother asked me what "porn" is. Not wanting to tell him the truth, I immediately told him it was the abbreviation of "popcorn". Later at night he told my parents that he wanted to watch a movie with porn. MLIA

Today, I had a chemistry test I didn't study for, so I stayed home from school. When the school called to ask why I wasn't at school, I panicked and told them I was having menstrual cramps. They accepted my story without question. I'm a guy. MLIA.

Today my doctor told me I need to take Steroids for a week. I asked him if it would shrink my testicles. He politely reminded me that I am a girl. MLIA

Today, I realized that the word OK is a sideways person. I totally forgot about what I was doing and proceeded to make a whole family of OK people on a word document by using different colors and font sizes. MLIA
Today, while driving to work I passed a Catholic Church who's sign read "Happy Rosh Hashanah to our Jewish Neighbors." Next to the the church is a synagogue who's sign read "Thank You!" Its nice to know that they get along despite thier differences. MLIA

Today, my dad pointed the TV remote at me. I started making beeping sounds. My dad looked confused, so I explained, "You turned me on." I immediately regretted this. MLIA.

Today, my teacher saw me texting under the desk and grabbed my phone. She didnt grab my penis. MLIA.

A fortnight ago I finally solved my rubiks cube. I waited two weeks to post this so that I could use the word fortnight.

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She yelled out the name Tommy. My name is Tommy. MLIA

Last night, I was really hot in bed, so I took one leg out of the covers. Then I got scared because it was too dark and my leg felt unprotected from somthing hiding under my bed. So I put it back under the blankets. MLIA

Today, I realized that I am unemployed, live with my mother, play video games all day in my basement, and I am still a virgin. It's alright, I finish 9th grade next week. MLIA

Today, as I was waiting on line at a store, I noticed the cashier had a British accent. When it was my turn, I faked a British accent in conversation. He asked me where I was from, so I admitted that I was faking. His British accent disappeared as he said, "Me too." MLIA.

Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold. MLIA

Today, my boss passed me in the hall at work and asked me "Do you have a sec?". I was trying to be flippant and replied "I have tons of secs". We both pretended I didn't say that. MLIA.

Today, the whole world came crashing down on me, so I got some tape and stuck the map back onto the wall. MLIA

Today, I wanted to comment on a friend's status, but it was only a few seconds old and I didn't want to seem like a stalker. I waited a few minutes and then commented. MLIA

Today, I was trying to telepathically communicate with my teacher in class. He didnt look at me the whole time I was calling out 'sir' loudly in my head, then I thought I'd lie and tell him I slept with his wife, he glanced at me from the corner of his eye. I know he can hear me. MLIA

Today I ate a tootsie pop. It took 473 licks to get to the tootsie roll center. You're welcome world. MLIA

Today I had rice. I'm asian. MLIA

mylifeisaverage.com Best site in the world.

after the war

Today the flowers were looking a little thirsty, so I decided to go out and water them. We have one of those windy hose box things where you turn the handle and the hose winds up inside. However, the hose was really tangled up in there. I spent the next half hour untangling it.

After the climatic battle, I had managed to accidentally separate the joint between the two parts of the hose, spraying myself with water - not only soaking through my shirt so you could see my bra, but making me look like I wet my pants. Out of spite and to show the hose who was really boss, I didn't go inside for a change of clothes and watered those flowers anyway.

Well, somebody had to do it

So, today I was in band class and we're sightreading a bunch of music. We're about to play some pops thing and My Heart Will Go On. I have this giant solo but every time I see the word "solo" and 16th notes in it, I freak out and freeze up. I've been trying to stop this, but no success thus far. "Think Celine Dion! Think Celine Dion!" my band teacher calls across the room to me. Nonetheless, I botch it.

I go up to my band teacher after class and hand him my music. "Sorry," I say, "I forgot to hand this in with the flutes."

"That's all right," he replies and takes it.

"Oh, also, I'm sorry for killing Celine Dion," I add with a grin.

He smiles back. "Well, somebody had to do it."

HA! Officially my favorite moment of the week.

Argh.

I have recently been informed that my commenting doesn't work. I checked it out myself.

It doesn't. You can try too if you like. If you can get it, you get a cookie. But it doesn't, so I don't plan on baking any for you.

I don't know why it's not behaving. I'm working on fixing it. It's quite perplexing, becuase I just changed the layout, but then it stopped working. I figured it was the layout, so I cleared everything and started from scratch. It still doesn't work.

Argh.

If anyone has any tips, I would beg ask you to share but you can't comment.

ARGH!

PS. I have changed it now so that to post a comment it goes to a separate page. I didn't want to do this because I personally find it annoying, but that's the way it will have to be from now on. Now, if only I just had some more people to actually comment, life would be good. (I'm just kidding. I love my loyal readers. You make me feel so important when you comment and tell me I'm awesome. Which is kinna sad, but whatever.)

Revelation

My goal is to replace my soul with coffee and become immortal.

vegetarian chicken

This is a fail. My mother is trying to get me back into eating meat, so she buys me meat flavored vegetarian food. Why even sell this? Why would a vegetarian want to be reminded of chicken?

Fail.

This calls for a BOYCOTT!

Found this on the internet -

" Recently on Harpercollins website and barnes and noble I across two new covers for Pride and Prejudice and Wuthering Heights, and the redesigned covers really annoyed me. The wuthering Heights one is like the other one with the Edward and bella circle but for the US. Heres the two covers:

Okay, this really has gone overboard. They are trying to sell these books based of twilight. I'm so sick of twilight and it's so annoying that they are doing this to classic, well written books. I mean the color scheme and the flower are so twilight. And the font is the exact same font, Zephyr, that is on the twilight covers. And they have the bella and edward's favorite book on the wuthering heights cover. It ashames me what they are doing to these amazing works of literature just to profit off the sucess of twilight. I mean, it could be a good think, getting people to read the classics, but the Twilight thing really has gone to far. Don't even get me started on the perfume, jewlery, clothing, etc. lines based off the books...."

I am sick of people when they get obsessive over Twilight and try to shove it down everyone's throats.

Some people don't want to hear it. In some ways, this may help the sales of the books but it can be a complete instant turn-off to anyone who doesn't like Twilight and could completely repel them from ever reading it.

Besides, doesn't that defeat the point of the actual books themselves? As if Stephanie Meyer isn't rich enough! Gah!

I am so boycotting Twilight. Who's with me?

*sigh* the world's a critic...

In response to the last post, my mother told me that she thinks I'm full of shit since I hate shopping. She thinks that next week my passion is going to be gardening, then soccer.

...............................................................................

I'm full of shit? Ow. There go my hopes and dreams, thanks mom for your support.

Well, yes, sometimes I really am just full of shit but oww!

GUESS WHAT!

Today, I finally think I realized where I truly want to go in life. I can barely describe what I want to say but I think I finally found my path.

I am dumping math and science and all that. It psyches me out. I can never, ever work in an office. I couldn't do anything athletic for my life, and, while I love to help people, I am terrible at talking to them.

So, I have decided that I truly do want to pursue art.

This is really weird to say for those of you know me, but today, I realized that I have a serious passion for fashion. I don't know where that came from. But I really do. I love clothes. I love to see them, I would love to make them. I adore something that looks good. I love colors, especially paired with black. Granted, I have no self confidence whatsoever and don't feel good stepping out of jeans-and-a-t-shirt to wear most of this I'm talking about, but I love them. I am going to pursue art and fashion and design. I'm going to go for music and poetry and writing and painting and all that.

Now, if you're wondering what happened to marine biology, don't worry. I still love it. But I just don't think I can do the whole "scientist" thing. It's so... I don't know. I love it, I love the sea, I love the life that lives in it... but everyone and their sister wants to swim with the dolphins because they think that's what it's all about. Now me, I know it's not. But still...

Well, my dad tells me I'll make no money either way, but for once he says that I should just go where I want. And that is great. Finally. Being accepted, being allowed to go where I want to go. I always tried to do so well in science and math because I knew they thought I was perfect for scientist and that's what I would do, and I didn't want to disappoint them. But hearing that my dad says that I should follow my dreams and go for it, that is awesome. This is the cynical man who says we'll be living in refugee camps in a few years thanks to Obama's health plan.

I can't even tell you how awesome this is. I mean, just a blog post when I finally know where I want to go...

I mean, I thought I'd found my path and my calling before this, but it's never actually felt so right. You just know when something's right. And you can tell it's different from when you thought you knew before.

I guess I'm not making any sense, so I'll just shut up. (wow, I just typed shit up, wow.)

sad, i know

This is one of my journal entries from a month ago (note my epic eloquent answers):



Girl also in pit : Hey, do you know *this girl*?
Moi : Uh, yeah.
Girl : And, do you know *stupid idiot boy*?
Moi : Uh, yeah.
Girl : Did you know they’re like, together? (She puts up her first two fingers and taps them together, then crosses them.)
Moi : Uh, yeah.


Thanks for the visual, love.
GOD.
I know this is a horrible thing to wish, but I wish I was sunburned again, so no one could tell when I’m blushing.

The official story of my life