Harry Potter vs. Edward Cullen Smackdown

In this corner, weighing in at 135 pounds, the boy magician with a heart of gold and Coke bottle glasses, the Heartthrob of Hogwarts, the Wizard Whose Wand You’d Like to Touch… Haaaaaarry Poooooootter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the other corner, weighing in at a muscle-rippling 165 pounds, we have the vampire with amber, no wait gold, no wait black eyes, the Bloodsucker Who Ditched His Girlfriend, the Undead with Sex Appeal… Edwaaaaard Culleeeeeeeeeen!!!!!!!!!

[Temporary delay in the match in order to kick screaming teenage girls out of the ring so Edward can actually breathe.]

Live from Neverland, for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world, ladies and gentlemen, let’s get ready to rumble!

Ding!

Round 1: Edward rushes at Harry with puma-like speed. In an attempt to conjure a Patronus, Harry instead invokes the Expecto Patronans spell, accidentally hawking a loogie on Edward, who is so disgusted he retreats to his corner to be wiped down and pep-talked by his trainer, Carlisle.

Round 2: Bella arrives fashionably late at the stadium, her crap car having broken down on the way. In an attempt to impress her, Edward tears off his own shirt, followed by a long speech about how Bella’s his “own personal form of heroin” but they can’t be together because he’s too dangerous and he has “issues” blah blah blah. “Yeah, control issues,” says an annoyed Harry, and incants a Hair Loss Curse, upon which Edward’s unruly bronze mane falls out, rendering him completely bald. But when a shaft of light shines through the skylight of the arena (even smackdowns need mood lighting), Harry is temporarily blinded by Edward’s Beadazzled –marble-whatever skin. Harry stumbles back to his corner, where he is tended to by Ron.

[Temporary delay in the match in order to break up a ringside cat fight started when Hermione calls Bella a "Muggle." For the record, Hermione is winning.]

Round 3: As the contenders again approach the center of the ring, Harry prepares to cast an Obscuro spell to blindfold Edward, but the vampire is able to read his mind. With lightning speed, Edward climbs the ropes and lunges at Harry in a Flying Clothesline before the wizard can get the word out. Harry is knocked to the ground, but the referee pulls them apart before Edward can sample his sweet, sweet half-breed blood.

Round 4: Driven delirious by Harry’s bloody lip, Edward says the name of He Who Must Not Be Named. The crowd gasps and Harry loses concentration when he glances around to make sure He Who Must Not Be Named But Was Just Named has not jumped in the ring. With Harry distracted, Emmett Cullen rips a ringside chair from the ground and tosses it to Edward, who then hurls it at Harry. It barely misses Harry, who uses an Aresto Momentum spell to slow it down. The chair drops on the ground, and Harry stands on it to do an elbow drop on Edward, who barely feels it, throwing Harry with a flick of his wrist back to his corner.

Round 5: A horrible storm rolls in, out of the lightning comes J.K. Rowling and out of the thunder comes Stephanie Meyer. They begin to duel with pen and paper to see who is the better writer. After three sentences Stephanie Meyer becomes horribly exhausted and stressed due to the fact she has no creativity or talent. Therefore she forfeits the round. The smackdown continues between Harry Potter and Edward Cullen.

Round 6: Harry conjures from the air giant maneating squids to attack Edward. This causes Edward, who finds normal people food gross, to become nauseated because he’s reminded of calamari. He returns to his corner to spew vampire chunks and have his now bald head stroked by Esme. Too bad, Squidward- I mean, Edward. The squids then become nauseated by Edward and fly away. They can fly because JK Rowling said so.

Round 7: Edward comes back from his corner and stands in the shaft of light again, his bald head blinding Harry yet again. Then, he proceeds to beat the crap out of Harry again. The ref again interferes and Harry is nursed quickly back to health by Romilda Vane, who pushed Ginny asde and tried to give him some more love potion but is stopped by Ginny, who is absolutely livid, and then Harry is pushed back out into the ring by Ron.

Round 8: Remembering that, as a wizard, he should have no trouble using his magic powers to win a wrestling match, Harry bellows “Incendio!” at the top of his lungs. Edward is saved by a mob of screaming teenage girls who push him aside and die in the fire themselves. As Bella exits the stadium, she is attacked and killed by Sanguini, a former member of the Slug Club. Hermione hired him. Edward goes home. At night, Voldypoo sneaks into Edward’s house and kills him after interrogating him for information about the Elder Wand.

Winner : Harry Potter, no questions. Amen.

After the match: Remus Lupin and Jacob Black become best friends. Alice Cullen fails to foresee that Emmett will be hit by a giant purple triple-decker bus. Romilda Vane is seduced by James and he bites her, but then Victoria locks her in a safe and drops her into the Gulf of Mexico. The Volturi and the Wizengamot face off, but it's hard to tell who won because Fudge is a moron and denies everything. JK Rowling proceeds to rule the world.