Fifteen...

...in exactly one month.

Well, here I am. I'm done being fourteen. This is hell, and also boring as hell at the same time.

But here I am, being alive for nearly one more year. Almost one more year closer to my dying day.

And here I am, still a nobody.

Still a wallflower. Though a bit more wall than flower. (Okay, a lot more.)

I think I can finally get my learners permit once I turn fifteen. Which eventually turns into a license. One day. And then I'll be able to get a job that pays and drive there myself, and get the hell out of here.

Of course, marching band isn't as cheap as it looks and I'll be stuck paying for that. Plus insurance for when I crash my eighth car. Oh, and I'll probably be paying college loans off until I'm fifty, and my sisters' too since there's no way there's enough money for us all to go to college. *sigh* There's no money anymore. Anywhere.

I'm one year closer to living in a refugee camp thanks to Obama, says my very cynical dad.

I'm now starting to think that being fifteen isn't going to be so much greater than being fourteen. Maybe I should just stay here forever, never having to move forward.

Never having to choose. Catholic or Pagan?- I get Confirmed next year, and I went for a meeting today with this lady who is supervising my home school class for this all. Boyfriend or not?- I've got two to choose from. Fucking yes. Over him, or not?- my old crush has a frigging girlfriend, but better girlfriend than boyfriend I suppose. Push for more or settle for less?- I just want to sit down and chill, but I want to go further. Be who I want to be, or who society wants me to be? I guess I'll never know...

Ugh. I just want to crawl in bed, throw the covers over my head, and sleep forever.