Query #2

Shit.

Why does my life feel so complicated so suddenly? Gah. I almost preferred middle school when only girls cared about me and only a few guys did. Now it feels like nobody really cares about me that much...

Now my life is in reverse. Everything I did is becoming undone. I thought I found my religious path, now I’m teetering once again on the line between There and Not. I knew I would do this, then I knew I could do this, then I thought I could do this, and then suddenly I’m not so sure. Instead of getting better at life, I’m getting worse. I’m losing grip, going from Found to Lost again. Marching band is over as soon as it started and my weekdays are empty again, just like my heart feels right now.

I know that sounds so emo. But it’s all going backwards.

In middle school, I had all girl friends and only girls cared about me as far as I knew, with only a few guy friends. But now... I’ve spent all this time wishing, and now that I’ve got it I’m wishing it away. (I'm not telling what that wish is.) I was confident, like I knew where I was going, but now I just wish I could turn back.

We were born from the darkness and clothed in the light, but now I feel naked, alone, and in the dark. Everyone can see me, who I am, yet they don’t know or accept or understand me at all.
I never wanted to be emo, but it feels kind of inevitable right now.

I should be happy. I’ve always been happy. Some days I am, some I’m not. I guess this all comes with the wonderful package of being a teenager.

But even though I have clean clothes, warm meals every day, a good school, clean water, a house that we own, cars, a full unbroken family, no drugs, perfect health, every material thing I could want, and my father having a job… I’m not happy. I feel so selfish. There are some people in the world who have no clothes, no food, no water, and no place to sleep at night. No family, no friends, no medicines for when they’re sick, no comfort, no hope.

But sometimes I too feel like I have no hope.

I just don’t get it. What would I even hope for? I don’t know what’s missing in my life. My social life has a lot to be desired, but when you think about it, I’m so lucky. I have no effing idea anymore, I’m just going through the motions. And I’m wishing all my wishes away. And here I am, I said I wanted to grow up and get a job but I’m too scared for an interview.

My little sister has now thrown her name in the hat for all the kids on the street as their babysitter. I don’t get it. Why didn’t I do that? Why wasn’t I as brave? That’s not even bravery. That just says here I am, call me and give me money for eating your food while your kids watch movies while you're out getting wasted or whatever.

I wish for attention occasionally, but when I have it, I shy away from the spotlight. Should I just wish for nothing because I’m no happier once I get it?

What is wrong with me?

On second thought, don’t answer that.