Epilogue

Okay, I caved. I'm already doing an epilogue.

Reading this again, I learned a lot. I saw how I've changed. That's why I keep my journals and shit, so I can learn from them. Compared to where I once was, the place I am now is darker. A lot. Things back then were so much lighter, and I had no idea how good they were. It's a lesson in appreciating things, I suppose. Or not letting the bad things get you down so much.

I don't mean to say that you should appreciate the way things are now because in the future they are going to be so much worse. But in an open letter to my past self, this is what I am going to say.

Dear Past Carolyn,
There are two categories of things in your current life. A few things that will change and a few things that won't. And there's no way to tell which things fall in which category. It's all tits up.

In a way that's also comforting. It's how life is. It's a big story with a lot of variables. You have to learn which things you can control and which things you can't, so you avoid either wasting time or becoming too fatalistic to function.

You will learn the demons in your head and you will name them. One will be bipolar disorder. One will be rape. One will be self-harming. One will be delusions. One will be alcoholism. One will be daddy issues. There are a few demons you have now that will fade away. And there are more to come. You will learn how to fight them in time.

You will fight your entire life. And you have to keep fighting.

I'm sorry I couldn't resolve all the issues that you had, and I'm sorry that I was responsible for creating more. But the thing to know is this: in the past you were a fighter. You knew how to learn from the things that happened to you, and you knew the importance of keeping an open mind and trying to loosen up and let go.

I read some of those older posts and I realize I still struggle with the same thing. But... things take time. Not every issue is fixed simply by getting older. Some things you have no control over, and mental illness really knows how to muck everything up for sure, but sometimes you have to realize... maybe you do have control over this.

This is what I am learning. And I'm going to try my best to use everything that we both have learned.

Mkay. That's it. Now it's the end.

The end.

Hey friends. I'm still here and I'm still alive, but I'm officially going to retire this blog. I still keep extensive journals and I, frankly, still obsessively write down every little thing that happens in my life. It's just not online anymore, because fuck that noise.

I might try to get published on Thought Catalog and if I do, maybe I'll do an epilogue post directing anyone still lingering here around, but if not, I'll see you turnips later. It's crazy to know that this blog has been around for nearly 7 years. That's like... a third of my life, jesus.

Anyway. Everything will be immortalized. Since I've lost most of my 2012 journals, this is pretty much the only record that I have left. The sidebar is pretty much stuck in 2013.

I mean, I looked back at all this shit and... it was a super blast from the past, yo. A lot of it is entirely cringe-worthy. I feel ... completely different.

Older.

More than anything, I feel older. I just have a different perspective. All my bitching about James and Kaitlin and everything... it's way gone.

The shit with Colin disappoints me the most. It still feels raw to me. I haven't found anyone else. I had a one night stand with some guy. Me and Colin had more sex after this. He's still dating Rebecca. I'm still viciously bitter about this. Somehow, we're still friends.

But the dog is still dead and I'm the one that fucking kept it. I have a dead fucking dog rotting and decaying in my rib cage. that's what this still feels like, and honestly, it's disappointing that this situation is really not much better. So, to past me, I'm sorry.

So that's an update. And that's where I'm leaving this blog. Until next time, if there is a next time, goodbye, friends. It's been ... enlightening.

The end.