spshhhh.

Just kidding, I can't let go. 

what is love? (baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more...)

Today I was reading a paper about shale oil for my environmental science class, and the following thought randomly occurred to me.

I don't think you ever really stop loving anybody. I don't think there's such thing as falling out of love. If you really love somebody... I don't think that will ever die.

Maybe you can say you loved somebody in the past, but maybe you were just blinded by something else you mistook for love, like lust or infatuation.

I mean... for a long time I was never sure what I thought love is... but now I think I have a better idea (why shale oil made me think about this, I have no clue). I mean, I still don't think I can define it, but I'll try. So here goes. (Nazi-note: using poor grammar- "their" replaces "him/her" because i'm too lazy to type that out lol ;D)

• When you love someone, their happiness is your happiness. When they're happy, it makes you happy. You'll do everything you can, including sacrifice your own happiness, to make them happy.
• You smile when you see them, like, really smile. 
• You get truly angry at them.
• But you forgive them.
• and you give them another clean slate.
• You want to take care of them. I guess this connects to the happiness thing.
• You don't really give a shit about what they look like. It's great when they look cute but if they wear sweatpants or have a bad hair day or a zit or something, who gives a shit? Not you. You don't care if they fart in your presence. Whatever. 
• You can tease each other and point out each other's problems. You genuinely care about helping the other person to be their best.
• You've seen them at their best and worst and you stay with them anyway.
• Like, even if they make stupid mistakes, act like fools, or have a particularly annoying habit, you still care about them. 

I don't know. Now I'm out of ideas.

I kept telling myself I shouldn't love Colin.

Now I'm like... 

What the hell? Why should I stop loving him? Love is a good thing. You can still love someone without exclusively focusing all of your energy on them. I can go about my life. I can date other guys. And I can still love him. Maybe it's not giving up; it's not forcing myself to change the way I feel and to beating myself up when I can't. It's living with it, accepting it, embracing it, and keeping on just living life. Not tied down by how I should or shouldn't feel. 

People have big hearts. Maybe we're capable of spreading love around to more than one person. Maybe we won't have just one great love in our lives. I mean, how lonely would that be. Maybe there are more, and maybe love doesn't have to end when the "relationship" does. 

Maybe in time I'll "get over" him and realize that perhaps it wasn't love after all. Maybe I won't. But I'm not going to let "love" tie me down anymore. Word on the street is, love is supposed to be a liberating feeling. Feeling caged by love, that's not what love does. That's what fear does. 

So now I'm letting go of my fear. I'm not going to be afraid to feel the way I feel for him. I'm not going to fear that that was it, that was the end for us, and he's gonna marry some other chick. Who cares? That's nothing I can control and it can't change how I feel for him. That doesn't mean some part of him doesn't still love me too. (Which deep down, I know there is some part. Somewhere! He told me that, cryptically, a week or so back.) But if you love something, you can let it go and not be afraid. Letting go doesn't mean you have to stop caring.

here goes nothing. 

*lets go*

*but doesn't stop loving*

thoughts?

tuesdays are the worst days of the week.

^my life.
I feel like my blog is kind of turning into tumblr maybe i've been spending too much time on there

oh and also i'm sorry for my ups and downs i've been having a wonky month and i'm taking it out on this blog! Woohoo.



ever wonder if you're crazy?

so today,

I just realized that I've been taking my birth control pills backwards for a week so now my emotions and shit are all like

And it happens to be Valentines day. Not that I care. Feeling left out  on February 14 is really no different than feeling left out every day of the year.

gahhhhhh. 

that's funny because i found this on tumblr but it's actually exactly how i feel.

10 (okay, 11) shits not given.

So lately, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been trying to convince myself to stop giving a shit. In fact, I even ordered this book off Amazon called Fuck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way. The guy is basically saying that "fuck it" is the perfect Western way to describe the Eastern philosophies of letting go of attachment and desire to attain inner peace.

Eh. Realistically speaking, I don't think I'll be able to exactly let go any time soon. But maybe I can cool the fuck off. Or just stop caring about other things to conserve my energy for other shit. Whatever.

So here are things I currently do not give a shit about:

1. Judgement about my diet. I'm a vegetarian. People judge me. I don't care. I don't have to explain myself. I do if they ask (it's primarily a personal choice- I just don't want to eat animals and if they press I'll explain every other reason). But I don't care if people think I'm a raving left-wing lunatic for it. Fuck em.

2. Taste in music, books, etc. I used to think people would be weirded out by my music but whatever. I can like what I like without having to defend it. People call me a fangirl sometimes because I like nerdy shit like Star Wars and Doctor Who and Hitchhiker's and Supernatural and Harry Potter and all that. I also don't give a shit about anyone else's artistic or literary tastes. If you enjoy Twilight, that's cool. If all you read is Hemingway, also cool. If your iPod is primarily Nickelback and Justin Beiber, that's cool too. It really does not affect me what your tastes in art are.

3. How many parties my friends go to that I don't even get invited to. Whatever. Partying is honestly not my thing anyway and just cause they're going out and having fun doesn't mean I can't have my own fun night in.

4. Politics. I don't give a fuck about politics and naming your beliefs. If you believe something, vote for it. That's how I feel about that.

5. Religion. Don't care. I have my set of beliefs. You have yours. I respect yours, but I don't care if you respect mine. If you think I'm a heretic, okay. Doesn't change my mind. No fucks given.

6. Race, diversity, and all that shit. I don't give a hoot if you're purple. We don't live in the fucking 1960's and I wish people would stop making such a bfd about race.

7. Body functions. Okay, maybe this is a little weird, but I think humans are fascinating. we are all very, very strange animals. And I love sensory proof that we exist and our little bodies are truckin' away without giving a shit about what goes on in our small social lives. Every human functions the same way (well, almost). Every human breathes. Every human poops. I'm kind of a five year old; I think burping, farting, itching, pooping, sneezing, etc. is all hilarious. I feel like most people would raise their eyebrows at a silent-but-deadly one but I'll high-five you. You have a fascinating, working body, man.

And here are things I am in process of not giving a shit about:

8.  Fashion. I used to feel threatened by girls who dressed up nice all the time because I'd always feel inferior. I'm learning to not give a shit about that. Your clothes may say things about your stylistic preferences but it really doesn't say a damn thing about you. I'm learning not to judge by outward appearances. I'm learning to not give a fuck about wearing sweatpants. Whatever. There's a time and place for every outfit and when it don't matta, it don't matta.

9. Texting. Some people text quickly, some don't. Sometimes people are busy. If someone doesn't text back it doesn't always mean they hate me. I'm gonna calm the hell down about texting. If I really need to talk to somebody I can call them. Also, how much somebody likes me cannot be reflected by how often they text first.

10. My weight. I used to be all obsessive about being skinny. Now I think I'm just going to take care of my health. I'm not going to torture myself over exercising. I'm going to exercise because I want to, not because I'm forcing myself to. Also, I read once in some Cosmopolitan article or something that you look 20% more attractive to other people than you do to yourself. So maybe it's possible that I'm being a little hard on myself.

And now for a bonus shit i'm learning not to give.

11.

Well.
I don't know.
I'm going to reserve this spot for not giving a shit about Colin and what he does.
He's my friend, too, though, so it's hard to find a balance.
I'll let you know how this goes.

Ciao!

Spoons.

So I just babysat for an old babysitter (weird, I know). She watched me when I was 3 and now I get to return the favor for her two-year-old kid, Everett. And I made 40 bucks which is hella sweet!!!

Anyway, I just wanted to point out how refreshing little kids are. Everett is just the CUTEST thing; he's a little blonde toddler with grey eyes and he's obsessed with trains and milk and toes and everything is so fascinating to him.

and he doesn't get how to use spoons. Spoons. How fascinating is it to realize that you have to teach somebody to use a spoon. I don't know. It's incredible. Everybody starts from scratch. Humans are so incredible. We have spoons.