Friday was my last day of school. Ever. Until college, that is. So I think I’ll take a moment to
reflect.
Does college still scare me? Yes. I
thought this day was doomsday, the last day of school, I’d be fighting to hold
it together, terrified to grow up. But in all reality, high school is not a
place for children. It’s a place for wannabe grownups. And actually, I think I grew
up a long time ago. Well, not grew up, but matured at least.
This year has been really key for
me. I learned a lot about myself. I couldn’t explain it to you right here and
now, but I understand. I’m a different person from when I started this. I’m a
lot … calmer. I know I haven’t seen much, but I feel like I have. I learned about
people, how they work.
A lot of things have happened, but
at the same time, it’s really nothing much at all. My dad says this is the time
he remembers when his life started; nothing really mattered before that.
That gives me mixed feelings. It’s
good partially, because it means the best things are to come, but at the same
time, I don’t want to forget everything I’ve learned from being a high
schooler.
Here’s the kicker.
I like myself.
There. I like who I am. I’m
comfortable being myself.
Freshman year, I hated myself and I
wanted to die, if only cleaning me up didn’t have to be a problem for anyone
else.
Now, I feel like I have self worth,
confidence almost. Well, not quite, because I still don’t feel valuable to be
loved enough by guys, but I have a feeling that someday, that’ll come.
So. That’s all that.
I feel like this has all been very
anticlimactic. I don’t really like things to go out with a bang. It makes me
uncomfortable. And it’s ironic. My whole life seems to be pretty damn ironic.
It’s always the opposite of what I plan/expect
to happen that happens, but things end up turning out the way I usually want
anyway. Like me and Colin. Our whole relationship is essentially a CF, but we’re
still strong friends and we’ll look out for each other in college. Maybe we’ll
be fuck buddies.
And college itself. I used to look
forward to it so much, then I dreaded it, and now I’m coming to terms with it.
And I used to be so adamant about not going to state, and it was my first
choice. Not sure how that happened.
And I’m giving Emily all this advice
I would have given myself as a freshman, and she said that she feels better and
I changed her as a person. I became for her the person I wished I could have been
friends with then. I see myself in her. And I believe in her because I see how I've changed in the past four years, and I know she can do it too. It kind of brings things full circle for me.
I’m still not sure how all of this
happened.
And my sister made section leader,
and it’s awesome, because now there’s a dynasty. And I’m letting go of front ensemble
just fine.
And finally, me and Taylor are going
to the same school again- first time since preschool.
And my phone is no longer missing, but not having one was more liberating than anything else and I almost don’t really want a new one. But
it’s harder for everyone else if I don’t have one.
So that’s that. I’m cleaning my room
right now. And my contacts list. I put up a status on facebook telling people to text me with their numbers, and the people I don't want to talk to anymore, I just don't put them in my contacts. I'm starting over. I'm going to college.
