I'm an INFP.

It means I'm introverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceptive or something like that.

It's the Myers-Briggs personality thing and I find it endlessly interesting.

And... I share a personality type with the following people: Mary (as in mother of Jesus) Virgil, Shakespeare, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow,  Helen Keller, Dick Clark, Amy Tan, George Orwell, Princess Diana, Aldous Huxley, J.R.R. Tolkien, and best of all...Audrey Hepburn!
SHE IS MY FAVORITE.

that is all.

things, part 4. (things i'm tired of)

1. I'm tired of being fat. I don't feel fat, really, but then I look in the mirror like... ohhh god. And I put on a pair of jeans that fit me a while ago, trying to convince me that these were the jeans that never really fit that well anyway. And, my face looks a lot better when it's not roundisher and fat. I'm tired of fat, flabby upper arms. I'm tired of disappointment when I look at the scale. I'm tired of being shocked at how hard it is to go up two flights of stairs every day. And I'm especially tired of looking around and being jealous of skinny people.

2. I'm tired of being gross. I just went to the doctor because there's a cyst behind my ear and my foot still hurts where I ran over a marimba. Turns out, the cyst behind my ear should go away in a few weeks (or else get removed, which means needles 0.o), and the reason my foot still hurts is because i have a ganglion cyst in there too. Why am i so lumpy. it's probably cause i'm fat. And and and, I also have this nasty thing called hyperhidrosis which means i sweat way too much and usually it's under control, but it just sucks. Oh, and I am so tired of having zits.

3. I'm tired of laundry. I hate unpacking from a trip and doing laundry. Just saying. By the time I stop being lazy and fold it, there's a whole nother load to do. #first world problems.

4. I'm tired of school. Really. I'm sick of studying all the time and focusing all the time and printing crap out and sharpening pencils and buying new paper and writing homework in an agenda.

5. I'm tired of due dates and deadlines. there's ALWAYS some looming, impending thing I need to do that I don't ever feel like doing.

6. I'm tired of the cold. It's barely dropped below 40 here for more than a week and I'm already sick of it.

7. I'm tired of my period. I hate it. I'm sick of cramps and... oh, you know. Also, I'm tired of feeling obligated to use tampons and I'm tired of (confession) being afraid of them and I'm tired of feeling bad about that.

8. I'm tired of freaking out about everything. I've been working for three months and I'm still nervous for several hours before it's time for me to go in. It's not that scary and I know that. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I just freak out.

9. I'm tired of my first instinct when that happens being to text Colin. (that whole last sentence probably wasn't gramatically correct but whatever.) Come to think of it...

10. I'M TIRED OF COLIN. I'm sooo tired of worrying about him. I think actually, I might be more in love with the idea of him than the boy himself. There's nothing for us to talk about anymore. I need someone I can have deep conversations with. I texted him yesterday during a little anxiety attack or whatever, and asked him to tell me a story [stories, we used to tell each other as a way to let each other know our feelings or some deep thing or something real or interesting. we'd tell it in like the third person... oh, it's hard to describe, anyway, he'd tell me a story] or something and all he did was give me some gossip. He's more of a girl than me. Also, he acts shallow and dumb sometimes. I'm sick of waiting for him to grow up. I'm sick of waiting for him to dump his bubble-headed girlfriend. Maybe they should be together. I'm tired of waiting for him to be there for me again just like I used to be there for him. I'm tired of it. I'm so tired of it.

11. I'm tired of lying. I always just smile and tell everyone it's okay. Maybe that's why Colin never asks if I'm okay when I want him to. I never tell him. I never tell anyone anything. I'm tired of bottling it in. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I might not be.

12. I'm tired of feeling not worth it all the time. I don't like feeling like this. I should say, I deserve better, but I honestly don't think I do. And I know I shouldn't think that. But I totally do... it's a little twisted.

13. I'm tired of whining. I whine so much. But i don't know what else to do.

14. I'm tired of being tired of shit.

[remember when i said i thought that humans are biologically inclined to be pissed off as teenagers? yeah, that we all feel a degree of angst and rage or whatever as a way to get us pissed off enough to leave the nest and grow up? Yeah, that's why I'm usually patient with other kids my age, becuase we're supposed to get pissy, i think. It's nature's device for kicking us out. i mean if you think about it being a teenager is nice... free food, no rent, party all night, usually free car, etc... But anyway... Is that what all of that ^ was? maybe?]

Please tell me this is senioritis and not my personality.
Thanks for listening, blog world.

Bellyaching.

When I'm pissed, I do one of three things: I blog, I text Colin, or I grab my red camera and go for a walk.

I'm not texting, and I'm tired of bitching on this blog. So I'll share with you my third and often most effective method of stress relief.  Here's a few pictures I took from the fall. I loveeee nature. It's nice, right? :)

Doldrummmmmms.

I'm really, really bored, and the only thing I have to entertain me is work, and the prospect of going to New Jersey to see my family (all of whom talk like they do in My Cousin Vinny).

Sighhh. I love that movie though. Have some clips.

I think this one illustrates the cultural differences quite nicely.

This is what I did today.

I dared my sister's boyfriend (who is notorious for his love of food) to go to McDonald's and order a McFatass. I taped the scene as we went to lunch today with our other friend. The camera was in my lap cause I didn't want to be too creepy, and then, it shook like a lot apparently from me trying really hard not to laugh. The funniest part though, was probably the people laughing in the background.


I don't know if you'll find this funny... But it made my week.

a post about failure.

Failure, it hurts. It stares you in the face, punches you in the gut, and laughs at you while you curl into a little ball trying to get your breath back.

I honestly think that this year, I've had more failures than successes. I wrecked it with Colin. I'm not doing well in my classes. I'm not first chair oboe. I had the worst last marching band show of my life (it was at Bands of America Grand Nationals in Indianapolis, and I couldn't play to save my life- i forgot parts, botched timing, and just generally sucked D: ). I'm at least a week behind in NaNoWriMo. And overall, I'm just not where I want to be.

Senior year, I wanted to be wildly popular. I wanted everyone to love me. I'd be such a drastic opposite from who I was as a freshman- I'd turn myself around and it would be great. Underclassmen would kiss the ground I walked on, teachers would adore me, I'd make my parents so damn proud, everyone would be calling me up to hang out all the time, and Colin would wish he hadn't dated Kelsey...

But you know what? We don't learn the most from succeeding; we learn the most from failing. From failing, and from trying again and again to learn how to get it right. If everything was perfect, we'd have nothing to perfect.

It hurts, but I'm learning. You have to hit rock bottom before you can spring off from anything.

I need advice.

Blog readers, I have a quick poll.

My not-posting-about-Colin-mission failed. Because I need some help.

Its freaking November. And almost every night, I go to bed remembering the day in July that he told me he loved me. And I know how this must look, because I'm very bad at painting the situation to parties that don't actually know either of us.

So my questions... How does our strange relationship look from the outside? Should i bother waiting for him? And third... Is this healthy? (its not, is it. -.-)

Sorry to beg for help here but I'm floundering and I'd genuinely love to know your honest thoughts. Again.

If you have an opinion, please share!! Thanks <3

so i'm feelin' stressed, again.

I don't know what it is, but for some reason, before I go to work, I stress out. A lot. That's why I always ask for morning shift. So I have less worry time. My shift starts at 5, and I'm leaving at 4:40, and it's 3:20 now. I have like an hour and 20 minutes to get ready. I've been chilling (stressing) all day long. I don't even know wtf I'm so worried about. It's not like it's my first day.

GAHHH.

And also, NaNoWriMo is stressing me out becuase I'm something like 5000 words behind the daily pacing goals. wtf am i doing this for lol

Either... I need to chill out, or it's back on anxiety meds. which is not what i want.
so... off to cross things off my to do list and take a bubble bath. byeee.

NaNoWriMo

Is when you write a minimum-of-50,000-word novel in 30 days or less. And I'm gonna try my damnedest to do it.

This is actually a really dumb idea seeing as i have really no free time... But you know, I guess I'm out to prove that I can still be dedicated to something that I'm not obligated to do. So, you might or might not see a lot of me over the next month... But here goes!! :)