betrayal.

Today my mom said she'd order me a vegetarian sandwich for lunch, since it's the first day of full band camp. she came back with a BLT marked as vegetarian. Thank goodness I checked.

For dinner, my sisters and I ate pizza hut food. I was ordered pizza bites, and I figured that since they were ordered specially for me, they were okay. It wasn't until after eating two of these that I noticed how flat and not oozy the red sauce was. I realized it was not sauce, but pepperoni.

And all I can think about is how probably fifteen or so pepperoni's are just sitting in my stomach. Why didn't I recognize the taste or the texture? Why didn't I examine the sauce sooner? All I can do is cry, and apologize over and over and over, and feel like a monster, unclean, impure, savage. I feel sick. Time will tell to see how physically sick I might or might not be.

I just didn't think the world would betray me twice in one day... The worst part was, after my mother found me, tear-streaked, picking apart the rolls so I wouldn't waste any money, she was like, "Oh my God, I can't believe you're really crying. You're being way too serious about this." Um hello. I told you this wasn't a phase and I'm not going back to eating meat. I know she didn't try to sabotage me but still...

Bad. day.

you're plastic. cold, shiny, hard plastic.

Sooo I'm back from governor's school with only a few things to say. Friday was our formal dance, and the whole night was like... mean girls come to life.

Nobody did any backstabbing or whatever, but the body image thing? It's ridiculous. Seriously who out there doesn' hate something about their body? What was the line... Regina was like, "I wanna lose three pounds." Then she looked around like "omg guys you're supposed to tell me i'm not, duh" and everyone instantly said, "ohmigod Regina, you're so skinny," or "no you so don't." Or whatever.

So my friends and I were getting ready for the formal on Friday night, and everyone always was commenting about how fat she is, or how awful her hair looked, or how her face looked gross or she had pimples,no boobs, or how fat her butt was, or how fat her thighs were, or how stupid her makeup looked, or whatever.  It was disgusting, looking back on it. We wanted to make everyone else feel prettier than us while fishing for compliments at the same time. It was like we needed approval or jealous compliments from the other girls. It was sick, and reminded me of my anorexia phase.

We're just like plastics... we want to be just like what we see in magazines. No one wants to be "plus size" and feels bad wearing anything over 9.

We all want to be skinny and look more like this.

Well, America, what's wrong with the people at the top? They aren't ugly women. But they're "fat??" Check this out.  Boobs pushed up, belly flattened and smoothed, face lighting perfected, hips narrowed, arms and thighs shaped, teeth perfectly whitened, etc.

 I mean how can we compare ourselves to magazines and movies when we can't even tell if it's real or not? I went to an elective called Reviving Ophelia, and this is a weird statistic I'm about to share - since how do you get numbers out of this? - but 8% of the information you are fed by media or whatever is received consciously, the rest is all subconscious.  And there was some other one like... within 3 minutes of reading a fashion or beauty magazine, something like 75% of women feel guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed.

I know I'm being a bit of a hypocrite saying that we, as in America and the whole world, needs to change, because all I do is complain about my own "fatness" and "ugliness" but still. Let's not be "cold, shiny, hard plastics. "

Rant over.

artificial rainbows

Image by Amy Lloyd via Flickr

Oh, artificial rainbows... optimism at its extreme.

cypress has been formsprung!

Actually, don't tell anyone, but I made two. There's something not mysterious about it if you all learn my real name and see all my real life friends or whatever, and plus it's weird to have to direct them all to one where I'm named Cypress.

Here it is: http://www.formspring.me/lipsinspace

Yeahhhhhh i'm awesome. (no you're not dude don't lie.) Wow, has Governor's school turned me into even more of a nerd. *sigh*

i don't really have anything interesting to say today.

apparently, i'm just not a very interesting person.

the little things bring tears to your eyes

So as you all know I'm at Governor's school. Everyone here is like awesome. There's this one kid, though, who is in a wheelchair. I don't see him with a lot of friends, just with some staff member dude guiding him around and holding doors for him. I always felt sorry for him, because he never looks happy.

Last night we had a variety show, which of course, was epic, but that's not the point of this story. The lights dimmed, and then this kid rolled out on his little wheelchair to the center of the stage. We were silent as he took his hands off the motor control thing and put them in his lap. Then the music came on and he began to sing.

It was a pretty little Christian song about always having faith in God to catch you and be there for you. I cried. Not just because it was a beautiful song but because this kid who evokes pity and misunderstandings was cool with putting himself up there and letting us all know what he's really like. Someone who I judged and never expected to be able to sing, or someone who would hide in his shell his whole life.

We all stood and cheered when he rolled back off the stage.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Social interview question - would you (male) want to have (female)'s baby?
male's answer: That's not possible.
female: haha wow. I could see no, but impossible? ouch.
male: Well, I don't have a uterus.

HAHAHA because there are all these jokes about her having a dick. So funny!

and there was a blinding light...

Sometimes I forget to turn to God with my emotions. Upon remembering that God has the best shoulder to cry on and the best ear to listen to others, I also remember what an awful, busy Christian I am. What kind of christian is too busy to remember God? Gahhhhhh.

oey.

This is weird. I'm home for a weekend break - the rest of today, tomorrow, Sunday, and most of Monday, and then it's back to Governor's school with me. I'm not crying. I'm just afraid to settle in here because I have to keep myself thinking that Governor's school is home for me. It will be weird sleeping alone without a roommate tonight.

I'm on my own computer again and it's weird to see things in widescreen. My mother is shopping, my dad is working (for now yay!) and both my sisters are at summer camps. This silence is so weird after three weeks of input and noise. I can't believe it's already been three weeks. If only band camp would go this fast.

I feel like I'm afraid to relax though. I mean it's only three days of sleeping home then back to the dorms.

Here is what I hate about Governor's school:
- Waking up at 7 AM because of my bloody roommate blow drying her hair with no consideration for her sleeping roomie.
-  Classes on Saturday mornings.
-  Missing home.
-  No difference between silence and awkwardness and loneliness.
-  No doing things on my own schedule.
-  Hard beds.
-  Upcoming concerts.

But here is what I miss already:
-  Always having something on the agenda
-  Always having friends right down the hall
-  Freedom in classes
-  Good food
-  Fun electives

etc.
so that's that.