Epilogue

Okay, I caved. I'm already doing an epilogue.

Reading this again, I learned a lot. I saw how I've changed. That's why I keep my journals and shit, so I can learn from them. Compared to where I once was, the place I am now is darker. A lot. Things back then were so much lighter, and I had no idea how good they were. It's a lesson in appreciating things, I suppose. Or not letting the bad things get you down so much.

I don't mean to say that you should appreciate the way things are now because in the future they are going to be so much worse. But in an open letter to my past self, this is what I am going to say.

Dear Past Carolyn,
There are two categories of things in your current life. A few things that will change and a few things that won't. And there's no way to tell which things fall in which category. It's all tits up.

In a way that's also comforting. It's how life is. It's a big story with a lot of variables. You have to learn which things you can control and which things you can't, so you avoid either wasting time or becoming too fatalistic to function.

You will learn the demons in your head and you will name them. One will be bipolar disorder. One will be rape. One will be self-harming. One will be delusions. One will be alcoholism. One will be daddy issues. There are a few demons you have now that will fade away. And there are more to come. You will learn how to fight them in time.

You will fight your entire life. And you have to keep fighting.

I'm sorry I couldn't resolve all the issues that you had, and I'm sorry that I was responsible for creating more. But the thing to know is this: in the past you were a fighter. You knew how to learn from the things that happened to you, and you knew the importance of keeping an open mind and trying to loosen up and let go.

I read some of those older posts and I realize I still struggle with the same thing. But... things take time. Not every issue is fixed simply by getting older. Some things you have no control over, and mental illness really knows how to muck everything up for sure, but sometimes you have to realize... maybe you do have control over this.

This is what I am learning. And I'm going to try my best to use everything that we both have learned.

Mkay. That's it. Now it's the end.

The end.

Hey friends. I'm still here and I'm still alive, but I'm officially going to retire this blog. I still keep extensive journals and I, frankly, still obsessively write down every little thing that happens in my life. It's just not online anymore, because fuck that noise.

I might try to get published on Thought Catalog and if I do, maybe I'll do an epilogue post directing anyone still lingering here around, but if not, I'll see you turnips later. It's crazy to know that this blog has been around for nearly 7 years. That's like... a third of my life, jesus.

Anyway. Everything will be immortalized. Since I've lost most of my 2012 journals, this is pretty much the only record that I have left. The sidebar is pretty much stuck in 2013.

I mean, I looked back at all this shit and... it was a super blast from the past, yo. A lot of it is entirely cringe-worthy. I feel ... completely different.

Older.

More than anything, I feel older. I just have a different perspective. All my bitching about James and Kaitlin and everything... it's way gone.

The shit with Colin disappoints me the most. It still feels raw to me. I haven't found anyone else. I had a one night stand with some guy. Me and Colin had more sex after this. He's still dating Rebecca. I'm still viciously bitter about this. Somehow, we're still friends.

But the dog is still dead and I'm the one that fucking kept it. I have a dead fucking dog rotting and decaying in my rib cage. that's what this still feels like, and honestly, it's disappointing that this situation is really not much better. So, to past me, I'm sorry.

So that's an update. And that's where I'm leaving this blog. Until next time, if there is a next time, goodbye, friends. It's been ... enlightening.

The end.

Hi.

I'm still alive.

Sucking at it.

But alive.

bored.

bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored

Ugh I'm bored. Now that word just looks like a noise.
Well, I have two jobs now. And they keep scheduling me for the same day because for whatever reason it's written in the stars that i will never get a normal, regular work schedule. ugh ugh ugh. 
I get to work at 5pm.

On an unrelated note, my sister is helping her boyfriend's family clean their garage, because he's leaving for college in like a week or two. She came home looking for a mop. We didn't have any mops, but we did have some dusters that looked like they hadn't been used in 20 years so we sacrificed them to the cause.

ok our garage is so messy i'm terrified of my parents suddenly dying because that'd mean I'd have to clean it. Our garage is full of shit that probably hasn't been touched since the 80's no joke. So we came up with a plan- we'd clean most of the house and get the stuff we care about out, then we'll "accidentally" burn it down. I'm sure that the insurance companies would feel terrible for us. Just lost our parents and then in our time of grief lost our house too. I mean we'd have to pay for someone to clear up all the rubble... but at least we wouldn't get tetanus or other strange infections from the depths of the garage lol. 

10 ways to get better.

Okay, I haven't done a 10 on sunday in like 2308471 years.  So here's 10 ways I'm getting better. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, academically, the whole 9 (or a million) yards.

1. I'm getting healthy. For real. No more bullshit. I'm exercising daily, like doing these girly-ass-yet-super-effective-and-actually-kinda-kickass Blogilates videos and running and going to the gym and stuff. also I'm food journaling, which means taking pictures of stuff before I eat it and writing everything down and totaling and calculating and stuff to keep myself healthy, and I'm just eating healthier in general. I've been doing this all summer but now I'm really kicking it up cause I wasn't getting any results.

2. I'm gonna do more shit for myself. I am a grown ass lady now and I can do more stuff. I'm gonna take my own sorry skin to the doctor when I think I break my toe. I'm gonna buy my own medicine and order my pills for myself. I'm gonna buy my own stuff for my apartment next year and pay my own rent and my own bills and manage my own budget. Yes. I'm a big girl now. And I'm also gonna open letters like an adult and not like tyrannosaurus rex.

3. I will try harder in my classes. Next year I'll be taking 19 hours as well as possibly balancing two jobs. My parents are also paying out of the ass for me to have a nice apartment and I should probably show my appreciation by number 2 and  also getting good grades.

4. I'm going to let things go more. I always linger on things that haunt me. I need to let go of all my little demons. They can't hurt me if they're not around.

5. No more lying. I'm going to tell the truth more to people. I always have this web of lies around me because I feel like it makes me feel safe, but really, it just makes me feel more isolated and alone. I really hope I can stick with this.

6. I'm going to go running more, because I feel like it's a healthier way to deal with pent up anger, or panic.

7. I'm going to be nicer. I'll be more generous and a better listener and complimentary and I should probably curse less too lol

8. I'm gonna recycle more and learn my shit. Environmental science is my major, after all.

9. Somehow I need to figure out how to be sexier. Seriously though. I'm like the most awkward person alive, romantically speaking. I don't know how I'll accomplish this. Probably through further trial and error. sigh

10. This is the most important one. I WILL NOT BE SELF DESTRUCTIVE. In my thoughts or in my actions. No more of that shit. I can't get better if I keep beating myself down.

A wild Cypress appears.

Cypress uses BLOG REGULARLY.

It's not very effective.

So here's an update of my life.

-I don't feel like talking about most of it.

-I'm mostly just tired.

-I have a job that sucks at a pizza joint which I'm quitting within the next two weeks because it's full of shit and I might have a job at Chipotle lined up. I'm praying.

-Literally nothing interesting in my life is going on aside from

• most of my friends being more than 20 miles away, including several scattered across the state, and a few scattered across the world. 
• i'm taking a stats class which sucks.
• most things suck and i actually really want to go back to school.

kbye. 

hi.

just letting you all know i'm still alive, and too lazy to post.
nothing interesting has happened.
later, assbutts.

I'm going to be better.
I'm going to kick fucking ass.
I can do this.

10 healthy things.

So I'm back haha. And it's spring break. And it's Sunday.
To keep up with this moving pictures trend I seem to be making, here.








I'm done. not really

All right, so here's 10 healthy things I do with myself because I'm sick of feeling unhappy with my body and fat.

1. I'm a vegetarian. Which makes it very easy to not eat fast food. I don't eat fast food. Or sodas. :D
2. I work out! (see this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyx6JDQCslE) Maybe next week I'll post the shit I do. It's not very regular. It's just if I feel like it. Which is... half the time, usually when I'm supposed to be studying or when I'm in class or right as I'm about to go to bed.
3. I walk everywhere, like 3-4 miles a day. College, bro. And I don't take elevators except to like 9th floors and stuff.
4. I don't wear a lot of makeup or use lots of products, which in my mind, is healthy for your skin because you're not putting crap all over it.
5. I'm pretty OCD about brushing my teeth and flossing.
6. I don't skip meals. I used to feel tempted to do that all the time. My stupid ED creeping back up on me. But nope, I beat that bitch, and I eat something anyway.
7. I don't keep junk food in my dorm.
8. Out of all my friends, I have the best hearing. Honestly I realize maybe my dad is right. I listen to headphones at low volume, like he always told me, and I don't have any hearing damage. *shrugs* huh. I'm also crazy about wearing earplugs at concerts haha and all my friends give me a hard time for it but hey, I'm not deaf, bitches.
9.  On the subject of mental health, I'm learning to just say "fuck it" to things that don't matter.
10. And I think going outside and spending time in the woods is healthy, which I do, so there. bye.

spshhhh.

Just kidding, I can't let go. 

what is love? (baby don't hurt me... don't hurt me... no more...)

Today I was reading a paper about shale oil for my environmental science class, and the following thought randomly occurred to me.

I don't think you ever really stop loving anybody. I don't think there's such thing as falling out of love. If you really love somebody... I don't think that will ever die.

Maybe you can say you loved somebody in the past, but maybe you were just blinded by something else you mistook for love, like lust or infatuation.

I mean... for a long time I was never sure what I thought love is... but now I think I have a better idea (why shale oil made me think about this, I have no clue). I mean, I still don't think I can define it, but I'll try. So here goes. (Nazi-note: using poor grammar- "their" replaces "him/her" because i'm too lazy to type that out lol ;D)

• When you love someone, their happiness is your happiness. When they're happy, it makes you happy. You'll do everything you can, including sacrifice your own happiness, to make them happy.
• You smile when you see them, like, really smile. 
• You get truly angry at them.
• But you forgive them.
• and you give them another clean slate.
• You want to take care of them. I guess this connects to the happiness thing.
• You don't really give a shit about what they look like. It's great when they look cute but if they wear sweatpants or have a bad hair day or a zit or something, who gives a shit? Not you. You don't care if they fart in your presence. Whatever. 
• You can tease each other and point out each other's problems. You genuinely care about helping the other person to be their best.
• You've seen them at their best and worst and you stay with them anyway.
• Like, even if they make stupid mistakes, act like fools, or have a particularly annoying habit, you still care about them. 

I don't know. Now I'm out of ideas.

I kept telling myself I shouldn't love Colin.

Now I'm like... 

What the hell? Why should I stop loving him? Love is a good thing. You can still love someone without exclusively focusing all of your energy on them. I can go about my life. I can date other guys. And I can still love him. Maybe it's not giving up; it's not forcing myself to change the way I feel and to beating myself up when I can't. It's living with it, accepting it, embracing it, and keeping on just living life. Not tied down by how I should or shouldn't feel. 

People have big hearts. Maybe we're capable of spreading love around to more than one person. Maybe we won't have just one great love in our lives. I mean, how lonely would that be. Maybe there are more, and maybe love doesn't have to end when the "relationship" does. 

Maybe in time I'll "get over" him and realize that perhaps it wasn't love after all. Maybe I won't. But I'm not going to let "love" tie me down anymore. Word on the street is, love is supposed to be a liberating feeling. Feeling caged by love, that's not what love does. That's what fear does. 

So now I'm letting go of my fear. I'm not going to be afraid to feel the way I feel for him. I'm not going to fear that that was it, that was the end for us, and he's gonna marry some other chick. Who cares? That's nothing I can control and it can't change how I feel for him. That doesn't mean some part of him doesn't still love me too. (Which deep down, I know there is some part. Somewhere! He told me that, cryptically, a week or so back.) But if you love something, you can let it go and not be afraid. Letting go doesn't mean you have to stop caring.

here goes nothing. 

*lets go*

*but doesn't stop loving*

thoughts?

tuesdays are the worst days of the week.

^my life.
I feel like my blog is kind of turning into tumblr maybe i've been spending too much time on there

oh and also i'm sorry for my ups and downs i've been having a wonky month and i'm taking it out on this blog! Woohoo.



ever wonder if you're crazy?

so today,

I just realized that I've been taking my birth control pills backwards for a week so now my emotions and shit are all like

And it happens to be Valentines day. Not that I care. Feeling left out  on February 14 is really no different than feeling left out every day of the year.

gahhhhhh. 

that's funny because i found this on tumblr but it's actually exactly how i feel.

10 (okay, 11) shits not given.

So lately, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been trying to convince myself to stop giving a shit. In fact, I even ordered this book off Amazon called Fuck It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way. The guy is basically saying that "fuck it" is the perfect Western way to describe the Eastern philosophies of letting go of attachment and desire to attain inner peace.

Eh. Realistically speaking, I don't think I'll be able to exactly let go any time soon. But maybe I can cool the fuck off. Or just stop caring about other things to conserve my energy for other shit. Whatever.

So here are things I currently do not give a shit about:

1. Judgement about my diet. I'm a vegetarian. People judge me. I don't care. I don't have to explain myself. I do if they ask (it's primarily a personal choice- I just don't want to eat animals and if they press I'll explain every other reason). But I don't care if people think I'm a raving left-wing lunatic for it. Fuck em.

2. Taste in music, books, etc. I used to think people would be weirded out by my music but whatever. I can like what I like without having to defend it. People call me a fangirl sometimes because I like nerdy shit like Star Wars and Doctor Who and Hitchhiker's and Supernatural and Harry Potter and all that. I also don't give a shit about anyone else's artistic or literary tastes. If you enjoy Twilight, that's cool. If all you read is Hemingway, also cool. If your iPod is primarily Nickelback and Justin Beiber, that's cool too. It really does not affect me what your tastes in art are.

3. How many parties my friends go to that I don't even get invited to. Whatever. Partying is honestly not my thing anyway and just cause they're going out and having fun doesn't mean I can't have my own fun night in.

4. Politics. I don't give a fuck about politics and naming your beliefs. If you believe something, vote for it. That's how I feel about that.

5. Religion. Don't care. I have my set of beliefs. You have yours. I respect yours, but I don't care if you respect mine. If you think I'm a heretic, okay. Doesn't change my mind. No fucks given.

6. Race, diversity, and all that shit. I don't give a hoot if you're purple. We don't live in the fucking 1960's and I wish people would stop making such a bfd about race.

7. Body functions. Okay, maybe this is a little weird, but I think humans are fascinating. we are all very, very strange animals. And I love sensory proof that we exist and our little bodies are truckin' away without giving a shit about what goes on in our small social lives. Every human functions the same way (well, almost). Every human breathes. Every human poops. I'm kind of a five year old; I think burping, farting, itching, pooping, sneezing, etc. is all hilarious. I feel like most people would raise their eyebrows at a silent-but-deadly one but I'll high-five you. You have a fascinating, working body, man.

And here are things I am in process of not giving a shit about:

8.  Fashion. I used to feel threatened by girls who dressed up nice all the time because I'd always feel inferior. I'm learning to not give a shit about that. Your clothes may say things about your stylistic preferences but it really doesn't say a damn thing about you. I'm learning not to judge by outward appearances. I'm learning to not give a fuck about wearing sweatpants. Whatever. There's a time and place for every outfit and when it don't matta, it don't matta.

9. Texting. Some people text quickly, some don't. Sometimes people are busy. If someone doesn't text back it doesn't always mean they hate me. I'm gonna calm the hell down about texting. If I really need to talk to somebody I can call them. Also, how much somebody likes me cannot be reflected by how often they text first.

10. My weight. I used to be all obsessive about being skinny. Now I think I'm just going to take care of my health. I'm not going to torture myself over exercising. I'm going to exercise because I want to, not because I'm forcing myself to. Also, I read once in some Cosmopolitan article or something that you look 20% more attractive to other people than you do to yourself. So maybe it's possible that I'm being a little hard on myself.

And now for a bonus shit i'm learning not to give.

11.

Well.
I don't know.
I'm going to reserve this spot for not giving a shit about Colin and what he does.
He's my friend, too, though, so it's hard to find a balance.
I'll let you know how this goes.

Ciao!