new phone and all that crap.

I got a new phone because some bitch stole it. Hahahahaha.

Friday was my last day of school. Ever. Until college, that is. So I think I’ll take a moment to reflect.
Does college still scare me? Yes. I thought this day was doomsday, the last day of school, I’d be fighting to hold it together, terrified to grow up. But in all reality, high school is not a place for children. It’s a place for wannabe grownups. And actually, I think I grew up a long time ago. Well, not grew up, but matured at least.
This year has been really key for me. I learned a lot about myself. I couldn’t explain it to you right here and now, but I understand. I’m a different person from when I started this. I’m a lot … calmer. I know I haven’t seen much, but I feel like I have. I learned about people, how they work.
A lot of things have happened, but at the same time, it’s really nothing much at all. My dad says this is the time he remembers when his life started; nothing really mattered before that.
That gives me mixed feelings. It’s good partially, because it means the best things are to come, but at the same time, I don’t want to forget everything I’ve learned from being a high schooler.
Here’s the kicker.
I like myself.
There. I like who I am. I’m comfortable being myself.
Freshman year, I hated myself and I wanted to die, if only cleaning me up didn’t have to be a problem for anyone else.
Now, I feel like I have self worth, confidence almost. Well, not quite, because I still don’t feel valuable to be loved enough by guys, but I have a feeling that someday, that’ll come.

So. That’s all that.

I feel like this has all been very anticlimactic. I don’t really like things to go out with a bang. It makes me uncomfortable. And it’s ironic. My whole life seems to be pretty damn ironic.
It’s always the opposite of what I plan/expect to happen that happens, but things end up turning out the way I usually want anyway. Like me and Colin. Our whole relationship is essentially a CF, but we’re still strong friends and we’ll look out for each other in college. Maybe we’ll be fuck buddies.
And college itself. I used to look forward to it so much, then I dreaded it, and now I’m coming to terms with it. And I used to be so adamant about not going to state, and it was my first choice. Not sure how that happened.
And I’m giving Emily all this advice I would have given myself as a freshman, and she said that she feels better and I changed her as a person. I became for her the person I wished I could have been friends with then. I see myself in her. And I believe in her because I see how I've changed in the past four years, and I know she can do it too. It kind of brings things full circle for me.
I’m still not sure how all of this happened.
And my sister made section leader, and it’s awesome, because now there’s a dynasty. And I’m letting go of front ensemble just fine.
And finally, me and Taylor are going to the same school again- first time since preschool.
And my phone is no longer missing, but not having one was more liberating than anything else and I almost don’t really want a new one. But it’s harder for everyone else if I don’t have one.

So that’s that. I’m cleaning my room right now. And my contacts list. I put up a status on facebook telling people to text me with their numbers, and the people I don't want to talk to anymore, I just don't put them in my contacts. I'm starting over. I'm going to college.


Cypress's Feelings About Prom: The Animated Series

A series of annoying gif's that are crazy and will make you dizzy because this is how i feel today.

If Ben likes me.

Wondering what the fuck to do when he put his arm around me.

When Kelsey shows up in Colin's convertible, and he puts his arm around her.

How boutonnieres went. Seriously those things should come with a manual.

How I felt the whole night while trying to look cute.

What my dancing was like. 

Telling people that prom was the night of my life.

Looking at pictures of myself from last night.

Everything conversation between me and Colin.

Going to the movies in a prom dress.

When prom turned out to be lame.

When Ben looked at me romantically.

I left from prom and none of my girlfriends noticed.

My parents are like, you're quiet. prom was great, right? Or did something go wrong?

Why can't I figure myself out.

There's a first time for everything 5: Prom

 (I'm on the right, in purple.)
Well, in a word. Disappointing.

I mean I didn't have a bad time.
Here's all the things that went well.
-We had a really good dinner at Ginza.
-We had a personal stylist actually come to our house to do our makeup (for me and my sister) and she did our hair too. How sick is that?
-Our dates spent a shit ton of money on us.
-My sister's date, Michael, drove us in his hilarious car, which is a red minivan we call Republivan for all the republican stickers on the back of it. He has a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from his rear view mirror, and a giant penis is like engraved on his windshield (we scrubbed it, but there's always gonna be a thin reflective spot haha), and he put glow sticks on the inside of it on the ceiling. He was secretly afraid we'd be upset at that, but I thought it was hilarious and I honestly didn't want to go any other way.
-A lot of people told me I looked really pretty.

In reality, I felt horrendously awkward. I had no idea what to do. I'd never worn so many sparkles in my life.
I was just about to say that Colin calls me nature girl, since I walk around barefoot all the time not giving a shit.

Which brings me to my next point. Now don't get me wrong. I was happy go to with Ben. I thought it would be low pressure. My parents wanted me to kiss him. They were shocked when I said I didn't. Um. I'm sorry, but no, I'm not going to kiss him.

When we got to prom, it was really lame. No one was really dancing, just grinding. The music wasn't very loud and it just kind of sucked. We awkwardly sat around, looking for our friends, kind of dancing, for like an hour and a half, hoping it would get better, but it didn't, so we left. And we went to go see Avengers, in our prom clothes. Oh, the stares we got. Add that to the good things list:)
But Ben put his arm around me halfway through. Ohhh that was soooo awkward. His hands are even sweatier than mine, which I didn't think was possible. I snuggled back up to him, just to be nice. I mean he did spend a shitload of money on me. And then he did this horrifyingly awkward arm stroke thing from time to time and I was like oh god please stop.

My parents and my sister both think he's "sweet on me." I was like... shit.
I don't like him back.
I'm stuck.

People I told about him think it's so bad, I need to terminate contact with him, and get the fuck over him immediately. Look, I wouldn't spend time with him if I thought he was a bad person. I'm really sick of people being like, oh, get out, he doesn't deserve you. Whatever. I'm my own fucking person and I can like who I like thank you. But anyway. The whole night I didn't really see him. His crazy ass girlfriend flounced over like three times, told me I look pretty, then ran away giggling.
Uh, whatever.

After we realized that prom was lame and wouldn't improve, and after we left for Avengers, we went to Mike's house. Our plan originally was to bring tablecloths, candlesticks, and like vases with flowers and go to Waffle House and outclass everyone there, but no one was hungry. So we went to Mike's house and played COD. By then it was like 3 am, and we were tired, so we all just slept there. Me and Caity (my sister) shared a bed in his autistic brother's room, who was at his grandmother's. And we woke up to find that our parents had stopped by with clothes for us (we borrowed some haha) and Bojangles. And then we went home and now I'm here. Studying for the AP bio exam that I have tomorrow. Woo-fucking-hoo.

So yeah. Prom was anticlimactic and kind of disappointing, but at least I did it.


I'm writing again.

I had writers block for the past two months but then magically, in first period, a deluge of ideas flooded my brain and now I can write again!


Wow, you really read all that? Danggg. Props! =]

Well, I see you've just had the imponderable joy of stumbling onto the blog of an 18-year-old girl who can't really describe herself in 500 words or less, such as in little text boxes like these. She didn't intend her blog to really become so much like her online diary (she was hoping it would have an interesting, helpful purpose to serve the world and all) but blogging is just kind of fun. This girl's a bit of an environmentalist and a full-tilt vegetarian, a bit of an artist who can't draw, a bit of a writer who can't find time to read, and a completely hopeless romantic. She enjoys white chocolate, coloring, wading in creeks, music, Doctor Who, and speaking in third-person when it's unnecessary like this.

Now go read the rest of the blog and meet her, if you like of course. :)